Tears blurred my vision as I walked straight out of the building. I was sobbing so hard that I couldn't even breathe properly, trying desperately to understand why everything had to turn out like that.

My hands shook and my nose began to run. Streaks of mascara stained my cheeks. One step out into the open and I'd be photographed. I just wanted to disappear. 

I watched as a black LAMBOURGUINI pulled up in front of me. A door opened, and I heard his deep voice. 

"Amber. Come on"

I climbed in the car, my fringe falling over my face.

We drove away.

Choi seunghyun kept on driving.

Silence.

He knew exactly what I needed. He let me cry it all out, until my eyes were dry. Stupid, Stupid girl. What made you think he ever loved you? Why did you- How- I was still choked up. Eventually my eyes became heavy and I fell asleep. 

When morning came, I felt so disorientated that nauteousnesss totally took over my body. He wasn't even in the car. Where was I? I peered out of the window to see huge lake and a crook beyond. We were in some sort of rural area. It took me a while to steady myself as I climbed out of the car. Each step I took ached my limbs. 

Then I heard TOP's voice. Wait-he was on the phone.

"Ji, you've just done something irreversible....she's a pregnant woman, how can you say things like that-...Aissshhh. You really didn't have to-....What do you mean how is she? She cried for three hours straight, seriously man...What exactly did you say to her?..."

Of all people, he was talking to GD. I had the urge to grab the phone from his hand and throw it. Everyone else's lives seemed to be centred around Jiyong's. I didn't get it. I never would.

I walked back the car and sat inside. Seunghyun came to join me minutes later. He obviously didn't know that I'd heard his conversation. 

"I come here sometimes...to think, you know?"

I nodded.

"Jiyong can be a d*ck at times, Amber. You just have to bear with him..."

Bear with him? Bear with him? Slagging me off in front of the whole country wasn't being a d*ck. There were worse words to describe him. The media saw me as a desperate, attention seeking and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to-needed to escape this pregnancy. But there was no where to go. 

"TOP, thanks for all of this...I just needed to get my head sorted. I'd rather we'd not talk about yesterday"

He became quiet for a second. Then got out of the car and opened the door closest to me.

"I have something to show you"

He took my hand in his, and lead me down towards the bank of the lake. We kept on walking until the car was out of sight. I began to get a little worried.

"Uhh, where are we going?"

"We're nearly there"

He lead me to an opening, and sat down in the grass. 

"We're here"

I stared ahead, and realized that we were actually very high up. The view was breathtaking. Seoul was busy below. Cars were tiny, but life oozed from the city.

"I had anger issues when I was young. My omma brought me here...to clear my head"

I could understand why. 

Peace. Something I had not felt in months.

"Close your eyes Amber"

I did so. I sat hunched, with the wind whistling in my ears. Sunlight serenaded my face and touched my skin.  I tried to let go. To clear Jiyong's name from my subconcious...but it kept returning. Images of him kept creeping back. I began to get frustrated with myself.

Tabi touched my arm and I realized that I'd been concentrating way too much. I'd clenched my fists so tightly that my nails had left imprints in my palms. My eyes welled up. Again.

"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.." He mumbled, quietly. 

"No...no...it's ok...it's fine...I'm OK" I tried to reassure him. The rapper still looked at me apologetically. 

"Gosh...I always...mess things up" I put my head in my hands. I felt trapped inside this body. This life. This situation. Everything was OK, up until yesterday. Before that scowl appeared in Jiyong's face. Before he had spoken to his mother...

TOP moved closer to me. Really, he was the paternal side of BIGBANG. He always knew what to do, and what to say.

"...So, what's your plan, Amber?"

"I don't know"

I had no where to go. Anti-fans had my appartment under survelliance 24/7. GD's house was out of the question, and I would not be caught dead staying at the houses of the other members. Being heavily pregnant, I was so slow with moving around. I had no income. My sister- I had no idea where she was or what she was doing. 

"Have you never wanted to be in control of your own life?" 

His question took me aback.

"Amber, You're always trying to please people, or run an errand, or be there for somebody. Why don't you just do your own thing?'

"Look, I'm not as free or as rich as you are. You can afford to do what you want. I just lost my job"

TOP gawped at me.

"You're FIRED?!"

"...Did he not tell you? What do you expect...I just brought a load of bad press to the company"

"...Aisshht that guy..."

"Yang Suk-"

"No, I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about GD"

"Huh?"

"...He requested for you to leave...I overheard them talking at the studio..."

I already felt like sh*t. This just made me feel sh*tter.

"Wh-When was this?" 

"...After he came back from the hospital...before the press conference"

Seunghyun must have seen the jaded look on my face, because he immediately stopped talking.

"Aiigoo, why am I telling you this? It will only make you feel worse"

"...No sh*t, Sherlock" 

The baby started kicking again. I winced and shut my eyes.

***

It was about a week later, when the texts started, and I began to go crazy for real.

I'd moved into a Gary's mom's bungalow. The woman was lovely, but her place stank of old soap and damp clothes. I hoped that the placement would be temporary. I was tired of eating beans on toast for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I rarely saw her. I just slept on the couch. It was a five minute walk to the hopsital, which helped. 

As long as I avoided the television and most forms of media, I could avoid GD. But most of my nights were spent crying myself to sleep.

The reaction of the public towards me was hostile, so I ended up wearing hoods and think scarfs most of the time. As I wondered around the local food market, my phone vibrated in my pocket. Since the press conference, no one had rang or texted me apart from Lena and Gary.

'How much longer are you going to cry yourself silly?'

...

Was this some kind of sick joke?

It was sent from GD's phone.

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