Title: Illa Illa

Author: -ByungKitty-

Reviewer: Royalblueblood

Title: (2/5)

The title is not something that particularly catches my attention or fascinates me. 'Illa Illa' is an expression of an innocent, beautiful first love. It does connect well with your story plot. But if I've never come across Juniel's song before, I doubt I'd have known the meaning behind the title since 'Illa' isn't really not an universal or frequently used word. 

I've never been an avid reader of song titles because they often portray the song (lyrics, melody) better than a story or drama. Writing and singing are different forms of expression thus they have different representations. Though such titles might successfully connect to your plot, they do not capture the real essence behind them. 'Illa Illa' definitely sounds different hearing from Juniel's voice. Because just like reading and listening, they use different parts of our senses. 

I see how it connects, but you can definitely put a little more thoughts into making an impactful title!

Description and Foreword: (6/10)

Thankfully, the overall presentation was clean and nothing too over the top. Though the formatting is pretty with the grey and pink colours, I thought a standard font, size and colour would have been more suitable for proper writing. (But since this was an one-shot prize, I decided not to deduct any points off.) 

I like how you extracted part of the lyrics to let your readers catch a glimpse of where the story was going and pretty much sums up the whole story. In my opinion, the theme of first love was well-repesented in your description. 

Unfortunately, your foreword wasn't much except for the characters' profile and your author's notes. Characters' profiles have always been a disputable issue on AFF. Personally, I'm not completely against it but the question I'd ask is 'Why?'. Why is there a need to reveal your characters' personalities or their roles first when the readers can easily grasp them from your story themselves? 

Originality of Plot: (11/20)

I'm almost certain that one out of two writers on AFF would have definitely touched on the theme of first love. And that includes myself. There's nothing wrong with exploring a common theme because writing has no bounderies. Different writers have different writing styles and thus the outcome of the same theme would differ. It's how you distinguish yourself from other writers. 

Unfortunately, the story screams cliché. You attempted to develop their relationship by using flashbacks and memories, which I thought wasn't much of an issue. But none of the developments actually made the right impact, what I'd call the 'punch'. There wasn't really a to intrigue or hook your readers. Even the triangle-love between Tao, Kris and Juniel, which I thought would be the most impactful, didn't make much of a difference because it wasn't executed well. Their relationship ended before it even really started. And then, Kris left abruptly. In fact, everything just flashes past quickly. Nearing the end, you addressed the theme of unrequited love and regret. I really thought it was too late (and typical) to reveal that she was in love with Kris all along when she had decided to date Tao. 

My suggestion would be to develop each portion further, draw out the characters' emotions more. It's a pity to set up new scenes because most of the time, your writing was merely touch-and-go. 

Finally, I'd love to compliment you on putting the extra effort in writing the meanings behind the roses Kris gave her. That was one thing that actually kept me going on with the reading.

Mechanics (Vocabulary, Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling): (18/25)

In general, your mechanics were decent. No persistent or major mistakes throughout except for the lack of punctuations (most commonly commas) and inconsistency in your tenses. Overall, I could enjoy reading the story without being disrupted by any grammtical or spelling mistakes. Good job! 

Original: In fact, she didn’t even know what he looked like, exactly.

Suggestion: In fact, she didn’t even know how he looked like, exactly.

Original: ... so she doesn’t have to face him and possibly make a fool out of herself.

Suggestion: ... so she didn't have to face him and possibly make a fool out of herself.

Original: His back is all she sees.

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