Title: Mirage

Author: Choi_Kimmy

Reviewer: Royalblueblood

Title: (5/5) 

I really liked the title, which is odd considering how I’m usually not a fan of using single words in my own titles. I felt that single-worded titles tend to be overly-sophisticated. However, I thought that this was one, intriguing title which instantly drew me in with its beautiful simplicity yet ironically ambiguity. And simply put, I'd click on the story if I came across the title. 

Description and Foreword: (9/10)

Your description was very well-written; it sets up the scene - creating a background story - without going into too much details. In my opinion, vague descriptions tend to be more successful because they leave questions behind to hopefully pique curiosity that cannot be done if you ‘describe’ too much. Here, I thought you managed to balance the mystery and clarity very well. 

Again, the foreword was close to perfect. It had the right amount of details and ambiguity. The only minor mistake I could pin-point in your foreword was the inconsistency of tenses. Instead of 'that has entered his life', it should be 'that had entered his life' and similarly, 'what were the odds?' instead of 'what are the odds'. 

Originality of Plot: (18/20)

It's definitely no easy feat to explore the genres of psychology and tragedy. While many of the writers on AFF had attempted in their writing, there had been rarely successful, original cases. That being said, you managed to pul off both genres nicely. And your story definitely stands unique, at least in my opinion. 

I'd say that this was one, original plot. Because throughout my reading on AFF, I've yet to come across a similar one that had successfully weaved in the fairytale of Rapunzel into their writings. The fairytale fitted in your story flawlessly and I could really feel the amount effort you put into your writing. I was particularly intrigued by the development of plot and how the relationship between Sooyoung and Changmin progressed further. There was evidently an inner voice and the plot was really well-developed, with a certain level of depth and maturity in your writing.

The only part which I thought needed some working on was the initial stage of their relationship. I was kind of mixed up by the feelings each of the characters have. There need to be a clearer narrator's voice in order to better present your characters. 

Mechanics (Grammar, Vocabulary, Punctuation, Spelling): (15/25)

Overall, the categories in this section were met and you presented the story with a decent range of vocabulary. However, there were quite a number of repeated, minor mistakes that I spotted throughout your writing. Nothing major, for instance: inconsistency in tenses, misuse of punctuations and spelling mistakes.

Original: She lets out a loud gasp; her eyes widen to find ... 
Suggestion: She let out a loud gasp; her eyes widened to find ... 

Original: Her hand trembled so badly she could barely press the numbers on her phone.

Suggestion: Her hands trembled so badly that she could barely press the numbers on her phone. 

Original: You need to safe your strength ...

Suggestion: You need to save your strength ... 

Original: Years of psychology he had majored in, but when it came to his own friend's matter, it was all fairly useless.