Title: Working Overtime

Author: YG-Takeover

Reviewer: -Kaara

Title: (2/5)

To be honest, I didn't really like your choice of a title. It came off as plain, overused and boring to me and if I hadn't known better, I would have assumed that your headline had meant for the story to revolve around working late hours at a restaurant or a cafe.    You really have to keep in mind that titles are crucial and definitely one of the most important elements in attracting readers into your story. I have seen a lot of cliched titles and some obnoxious ones that really do not match the maturity of writing— obviously enough, yours fall into the 'cliche' category. I understand that the term 'time' in the title refers to the bond TOP and Bom share as official Demon and Angel partners, but maybe you could make it a more dramatic title. The story does revolve around TOP trying his best to save Bom so I don't really get what your original title really implies on. If you're trying to say that he is 'working overtime' just to search for her, then I understand, but you don't have to put it as the title because it just doesn't suit.   The main idea of the story is a fantasy romance so normally, the title would be made a mystical headline; something that really attracts the interested audience in. It doesn't have to be too unique or out of this world, but it just has to be suitable to the story and relates to the readers more. Try "A Timeless Bond" for example. The readers can already grasp the unbreakable bond between TOP and Bom so that title can really make them feel as though they understand just a snippet of the story. You may or may not reveal the real meaning of the title later on in your story, but as long as it is appropriate, then you are one step closer to a well- written fiction.   Description and Foreword: (6/10)   It is such a mystery to me how some authors on the site do not seem to understand the meaning of 'Description'. To me, I don't really get the concept of writing a message at the start of the description like how you did, saying how "the world needed more TOPBOM." I'm not saying it is wrong to write that, but that's just not the right place for it.   First of all, you have to burn the meaning of description into your mind: it means an act of describing; specifically: discourse intended to give a mental image of something experienced. So in the writing field, description literally means a small summary on how your story goes. You don't have to reveal almost everything in the plot, because then you will lose your readers. Descriptions are made to give the readers an insight of the story— to get introduced to the characters, the struggles and the suspense element you can whip up. This really helps the readers to confirm their interest in the story and not get them disinterested later on because of the lack of information.    A perfect example would be when you can't decide between two storybooks. The second thing you judge after the title is the summary at the back! Don't you see how crucial it is? By getting to know just a small bit of the story, you can easily decide which one to read without any qualms of changing your mind after that. Other than that, I am not saying that inserting a message or putting the review list on the front page is wrong— you must at least separate it from the description you've prepared so as to not confuse readers. It is much more tidier that way. For your foreword, you really nailed the concept and I can honestly give you full marks. It really prompted me to read on and that is a good quality.    Originality of Plot: (14/20)   I have got to say, your plot was really unique! I've never come across anything like this before and it really suits my taste in fantasy. The partnership between a Demon and an Angel was phenomenal and the representation of that bond is a mystical watch on their wrists; that was really amazing.   In addition, your fighting scenes are very well-described and it was enjoyable since you pictured them quite meticulously and that really helps the readers to imagine on their own. The interactions between the other characters are also well- written as well as their own superpowers and weapons are made specially for them and it was just fascinating to read. However, the only thing that disappoints me is that behind all the elements of a really great alternate universe fantasy fiction, all I got was a typical romance plot— where the hero sets out on a perilous journey to save his partner. I was really expecting more on how both TOP and Bom adjust themselves as counter- partners and ward off any evil that threatens the world, but the plot has already been made, so I have no right to actually complain.   Nevertheless, I really have to stress out on the cliched romance plot. The only thing I found quite out of this world was how TOP sometimes meets Bom in his unconscious state and they communicate on how they are weak without one another and that Bom really needs help. But other than that, it was filled with their endless cheesy love conversations and that tires me out. There was no kick in the romantic field or a plot twist to make the readers all jittery— in other words, there was no surprise element; it was straight to the point and plain.    Maybe you should have made a small plot twist to keep readers interested. Also, for the romantic scenes, please refrain from always picturing them kissing because there are other things they could do in that situation. They could talk of their inner desires and their own experience while the other is not by his or her side. That should really develop your story more so keep this in mind.  

Mechanics (Grammar, Vocabulary, Punctuation and Spelling): (13/25)

Well, now, I don't think it takes two to say that your grammar performance was quite low. It didn't exceed my expectations and you clearly ruined my mood as I read, but that doesn't mean the mistakes were too evident. They were not the glaring types that would jump right ou