Title: The Last Goodbye

Author: --Shattered

Reviewer: Royalblueblood

Title: (3/5)

Perhaps not the most eye-catching (or original) of titles; it sounds like something that many writers on AFF would normally use. I don't find it memorable. It's just plain. However, I did feel that it fits well with the mood of your story since "The Last Goodbye" gives off a rather melancholy, tragedy feel.  

Description and Foreword: (8/10)

It definitely stands out from the usual, ridiculously-long and irrelevant description that most AFF writers have. I think that factor alone would be a hook. Your description was very "clean" and it sets up the scene well without going into too much details about the characters or plot. The quote (or prompt) you included at the top does a fairly good job of capturing the essence and theme of your story. I was particularly intrigued by the paragraph (or poem) that follows right after, as it was short yet clearly well-written. A very minor (and tiny) mistake I spotted was that a the first letter of the word, 'the' after the second line (Again and again, it was tainted by death.) should be capitalized since you ended the sentence with a full-stop earlier. 

Your foreword includes an exerpt from chapter one and I've to say that I'm certainly pleased with your choice of exerpt because it provides an impactful snippet of your story. This is what I'd call a 'punch line'. It's short, concise and straight to the point. It catches readers' attention immediately. Most interestingly, it relates back to the quote (or prompt) once again. In fact, this is some sort of a writing technique which I've seen writers using as a hook to capture the attention of their potential readers. While you introduces the prompt '... love ... that death can touch' in your description, you refutes or answers it back with 'Love ... so strong that death can't possibly break' in your foreword. I can clearly see your intended writing style, with an ideal balance of anticipation for the story.

Would I subscribe after I read your foreword? I think I would.

Take note of the use of grammar as your tenses seem a little inconsistent here. If you've decided to use past tense (which you did), stick to it throughout. "His crying has stopped ... " should be replaced by "His crying had stopped ..." Another thing which I'd like to share is the use of 'awhile vs a while'. In your case, you started the sentence with a preposition (for), thus you should be using 'for a while' instead of 'for awhile' because unlike 'a while', 'awhile' is an adverb (not a noun) and it literally means 'for a while'. Besides that, 'it's' refers to the contraction of 'it is' so you do not really have to include 'is' after 'it's' because it will only end up as a repetition. 

Originality of Plot: (13/20)

If I were to find one word to sum up the plot of your story, it would be 'cliché'. In fact, I've also written a story with a similar plot and I'm certain that you can easily find stories with such a plot on AFF too. However, please do not be discouraged just because of that. An unoriginal plot or a cliché storyline will still be able to stand out from the rest, paradoxically. You may have the same beginning and ending, but the progress and development is what really matters. The question to ask yourself when you write is how exactly did you arrive to the ending?  Find your selling point. Description, Development and Depth are the 3Ds you should keep in mind because they play a major part in the originality of the plot of a story. 

The theme of abandonment, though common, definitely has the potential to be developed into something 'big'. It was quite a pity that you did not manage to fully grasp such a plot with massive potential. The way both Taemin and Sulli had been abandoned as the common point was something I found to be fascinating and endearing. This is where your originality comes in. You could have give it a little push by showing the subtle attachment between them, the fear of losing each other, the quiet promise they held. Disappointingly, I felt that you simply 'touch and go' on this part. 

Moving on, your story was lacking in development especially on the relationship between Taemin and Sulli. Somehow, I didn't like the time-skip in your story. If you've decided to have a time-skip, you need to find something major, something impactful to portray the progress of their relationship. What exactly make Sulli realize her feelings for him? How did Taemin fall in love with her? And then, I was extremely surprised when Taemin left Sulli right after they their love story started even though there wasn't a love story to begin with. Everything just happens in your story. Do you see something lacking or missing here? Rather than love being something that occurs "naturally" between them, you've to describe their emotions explicitly. Plan their progress and build their relationship up from something fragile to an unbreakable bond.  Rather than presenting a time frame to your readers using the time-skip, it made you seem lazy as a writer due to the poor development. 

And after which, everything was, unfortunately, in a mess. What happen during the two years when Taemin left Sulli? It's definitely sad and painful when they were apart from each other. Sulli's part was rather well-developed while Taemin was obviously neglected in your story. Though it was said earlier that he was used to moving from places to places due to his father's job, it's different now. He has developed an invisible bond with Sulli. Address this issue. What happen to the promise they had? And remember how he was abandoned once? Considering that, wouldn't it be painful for him to make such a decision to leave her behind? Did he struggle with her absence from his life? Did he ever regret leaving her behind? How did he spend the two years without her in his life? Their emotions, that two years of being apart from each other is pivotal to the development of your plot.

When you revealed that Sulli was deaf after Taemin returned, it was supposed to be an impactful scene. However, I couldn't really feel the impact because it was all too sudden and partly due to the lack of development. I couldn't feel the love they have for each other. Imagination is one of the greatest tool in writing, make full use out of that. It was also intriguing how Sulli suffered from the same illness Taemin's mother had. I don't know if that was intentional or a mere coincidence, but I like that idea very much. I can imagine the pain he would have to go through once again. As far as I recalled, you dedicated one whole chapter to portray the feelings of Taemin when his mother left him. I thought it'd be rather impactful if you've explored this part on his feelings when he discovered that Sulli had suffered and died from the same illness. If you've added that one layer, I could have felt the real depth of your story. 

Looking at the big picture, I could figure the flow of your story, where it was going and what to expect from it. But when I read in close details, I realized there were too many questions left unanswered. In other words, there were loopholes in your plot. As a reader or a reviewer, I think there is still massive room for improvement because like I've said earlier, this is truly a plot with potential.

Mechanics (Grammar, Vocabulary, Punctuation and Spelling): (16/25)

Undoubtedly, the story was written fluently with no major or glaring spelling mistakes throughout the five chapters. Range of vocabulary could still be widened but it was decent. There seemed to be a repetition of adjectives, making your speech seem almost clumsy. The most obvious and common mistakes which persisted throughout your story were the misuse of grammar, mostly inconsistency of tenses, and inappropriate use of words. Below are some of them, along with my suggestions for corrections. 

Original:  His eyes, which was once full of life, was fixed intently on the floor.

Suggestion: His eyes, which were once full of life, were fixed intently on the floor. 

Original: But she could understand his pain- losing someone you love is never easy.

Suggestion: But she could understand his pain- losing someone you love was never easy.

Original: The said boy nodded, face void of any emotions. He was long use to moving from place to place due to his father’s job. 

Suggestion: The sad boy nodded, his face void of any emotions. He was long used to moving from places to places due to his father's job. 

Original: No longer had he cried like the first time, begging his father to stay, begging him not to make him leave the house. The house filled with her memories.

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