Treasure five made quite a debut at the Memphis a week after it was introduced, starting up with a new title song, with lyrics done by Won Bin, which he has left with Jae Jin before he left by the name ‘Moon light angel’ followed by an original track by Hong Gi, named ‘You and I’

The respond that the group received was more than enough, enough for the five of them to perform more and more at the Memphis, gaining the hearts of many fans old and young. Within two months, the income that the Memphis received was immense. The restaurant extended itself with a bigger stage and a dining hall to gather up more people, the popularity that the group received went from one person to the other, somehow until it reached the ears of FNC agents. Two months after Treasure five’s arrival at the Memphis, a strangely familiar man approaches me with a smile as I sat in a table on my own, watching the band perform.

“Anneyong hassaeyo!” He greets me with a smile, and since I need t be more polite, I keep my bear aside and climb up on my feet to serve him with a bow. “Anneyong hassaeyo Ahjussi…”

He smiles and takes the seat beside me. “I don’t think Miss Lee did recognize me…”

I narrow my eyes and look into him, trying to go back in time in my mind, unfolding my memories searching for where he took place in them.

The memories of him hits me like a thunder. “Ahjussi! You…from the FNC…BOTB Judge Panel…”

He nods with a smile. “That’s right…”

The group begins playing one of our old tracks, the teacher looks up with interest, and turns to me.

“I see you have done some changes here…”

I nod with a smile. “Yes…teacher…our previous vocalist went abroad…FTFOUR disbanded, came up with Treasure Five since we didn’t want to lose our dreams…”

The teacher nods appraisingly. “Very ambitious…you are. I always liked that about you, Miss Lee”

I give him a shy smile and look down at my bear can.

“And your group is doing so well too…in fact…they’re great…I guess it’s because of you ambitions, Miss Lee…”

I keep hanging my head, not believing I’m being complimented this much.  The teacher clears his throat.

“CNBLUE…is doing fine…but it’s quite…hard…FNC is going down…we want to debut soon…but CNBLUE’s standards are not enough…yet…”

I quickly look up, feeling as though I just got electrocuted. Is it him or am I hearing right…?

“But miss Lee…with the standards of your group…you can enter the industry only in six months!”

I say nothing, but watch him, anticipating just one fact, examining all his actions…if only what I sense is right…

Just as I expected, he lays a hand on the table before him. “So…what do you say…Miss Lee…Would you still live your dreams? Or make them come true…?”

“Make them come true” I answer without thinking at all. But what else is there to think if what I’m hearing is real!

“Cromm…your group…you agree to it if we are willing to take you under training of FNC?”

I smile and place both my palms on the table making a sound. “Of course I do! I agree to let the group come under training of FNC! Gosh! This is fabulous! I can’t believe this oh my god-!”

The teacher cuts me off with a laugh. “Very well then…I would like to see you and the group at the FNC offices tomorrow…”

Two days later after quite a lot of arguments among the members, the group agrees to sign contract under FNC for five years, training of six months included, me assigned as their manager. For six months Treasure five receives training under the teachers of FNC in many competencies, starting from singing to composing, lyric writing, stage performances, voice training, instrumental training and even acting. The group goes under many changes, Hong Gi was made the lead vocals while Seung Hyun is the second vocals as well as rapping, the other three members remained in their positions, and Jong Hun was made the leader of the band. I too, receive special training on managing musical groups, being assigned as the group’s official manager, Treasure five debuts on stage six months later under the name of Five Treasure Island, FTISLAND in short with their first hit album ‘Jump up’, gaining millions and millions of fans in Korea, and also around the world, their music sells earning millions for the agency, FNC rises in the music industry with the first ever rock band to hit daebak in the KPOP industry.  The following year, Hong Gi, Jong Hun and I graduate, all three of us take the same subjects at the Kyonghee University.  Like this, two years pass by.

As for me, it’s as though I have come into a completely different time period in my life. Strangely, I have gained weight about which Hong Gi always make fun off, saying that I looked like a barrel, but I really don’t see anything true about it, my curves are still there. I have become busier, too busy that I don’t find any time to speak to my brother even. He’s now working as an engineer at the Hyundai automobile company, even he hardly finds any time to catch me. We move into a new house in the city of Seoul, leaving our old suburb lives, and as for Mi Ja and Grandma, well…they’re now spending the happiest time of their lives, the income we both receive is more than enough to feed a family of four. I never moved on though, I couldn’t even find any time for a relationship on the first place,  And I didn’t want it to be anybody else, just as Won Bin said, its either Hong Gi or Jong Hun or just nobody.

No matter how hard I try, I don’t find any kind of feeling for Jong Hun, whenever I look at him; he only seems like the leader of FTISLAND in my eyes. He has gotten over his living-single policy now though, and he since debut, he has begun to have interest in girls. In fact, he’s a member of FTISLAND who has the most interest in girls while everybody else go around worrying about making any scandals. Its not long after he gets accused of beginning a scandal with a member of the girl group Kara that I had to go on a press con explaining it that it’s my Best Friend Lee Ha Ra. As for Minhwan and her, well…they broke up a month after we began playing at the Memphis, saying that Minhwan is too busy to spend time with her. I got into a fight trying to settle it down finally losing my best friend. It was a sad time, to know that I lost my fit, but after our Debut, and after Ha Ra joined the girl group, things got into a settlement, we’re still together. Jong Hun’s scandal was settled although I’m still not sure where his interest in girls is going.

I still do have a tiniest feeling towards Hong Gi, I will never deny it that I do. But no matter how hard I try to divert the feelings I had for Won Bin to Hong Gi, I end up falling into this complicated state of mind where I can’t choose what’s right and wrong. I told Hong Gi all the necessary things that he should know. At first, back when we were not busy as much as we are now, both Hong Gi and I tried a lot. We went on dates together, to see movies and amusement parks, but none of this worked. Finally Hong Gi suggested I wait for Won Bin, he understood that I’m making no progress in my love life. We got back into our state of being only friends. But being around each other, and also being past lovers, we DID get into complicated situations. A month or two after the debut, Hong Gi got to be in a TV show where he had to date a girl two years older than him. They were supposed to date for a week, but even after the show ended, he dated her behind my back. In spite of my slightest feelings, I truly got jealous of her.  One Friday, I hid myself up on the rooftop of FTISLAND’s dormitory with four bottles of soju and finished one and a half bottle of it, restraining myself from crying, but somehow Hong Gi found me, he joined the soju party and seeing him, I begun to spill all my tears out along with what I felt. He held me, muttering his apologies, this way we went on drinking until we finished all four bottles, until we could hardly stand up, and suddenly, probably in spite of the drunkenness, Hong Gi leaned over and kissed me. It was different from all the other times that he had done it two years ago, it was more…I don’t know…unlikely of him. I always considered him as a childish friend of mine, my best friend after Ha Ra in fact, a friend who always cared for me as equally as I cared for him. But when he kissed me, after not having it done for two years, I simply responded. It went deeper and deeper until he broke off and scorched his lips down my jaws and neck, we practically made out, nothing went beyond though, but when it hit me that nothing has ever gone beyond between me and Won Bin, I screamed and pushed him away, eventually ending up in my bedroom all alone, crying the hell out of myself. His move was enough for me to get sober again. The next morning, he sweetly apologized and we decided to live as though it never happened. I was left back to wait for Won Bin ones more, and it was good.

Because no matter what, although two years have passed, I know it deep in my heart that it’s him who just took me away to wherever he is now. It’s him whom I belong to after all…

 

 

 

Starting his new life in Netherlands was hard for Won Bin. He had to go through hell for it all by himself, get used to the language and the people with mean and strange attitudes, of all, get used to the life with no love. He had to change his appearance since he got bullied by those who said he looked like a girl. He turned his hair back into its natural colour and cut it short, lost weight being unable to get used to the western food and lost his interest in doing anything, he just wished he could go back in time and change everything so that he could still be in Korea, still be at home with his family, with the band and finally with Lee Joone. Thinking of her was the only way that he could live through all he had going in his life. He couldn’t practice the violin with the very hands which he used to play the guitar for many years, he couldn’t focus on his German during lectures,  the notes began to dance around his head only after spending twenty minutes in a two hours long lecture,  and somehow, time went along, it surprised him when he passed the first year exam with a B plus, he never expected that much since he flunked his first year, its during his second year that he finally found himself some company.

To relief the stress that he gained during the day, every evening he took a walk around and out of the campus all by himself. It was another rainy evening in the spring that he finds her, huddled in a corner avoiding the rain, practically damped and completely ignored, he just couldn’t help the feeling he got at her sight, many memories from the past returned to his mind, without thinking, he just took her into his arms and took her home. Later on she became his biggest company, the only one who really loved him, who really cared for his existence in a place where nobody cared for him. When he was sad and lonely, he’d take her into his hand and run his fingers over her head, kiss her and hold her, he did everything for her, for a man left alone, it was pretty much all he could do for her. And all the other times, he’d sit with her and tell her all about Lee Joone and all that he did with her, she slept in his bed beside him, had breakfast with her, only he couldn’t be with her during the lectures, but all the other times, she was his companion at home. And so he named her Pelo; she was his pet cat.

Five months passed by and he got even busier along with the lack of work, his semester exams got closer but playing with Pelo all day long and singing for her playing the guitar which he bought with the money he collected working at a Chinese restaurant, he killed all his time. It’s  a week before the exams that he received a call from his parents saying that they’re coming for a visit. Apparently, it was his biggest nightmare. It was then he began to study, fearing his parents visit although he knew he would never make it this time.

He goes for the exams alright, but as he sat there, unfolding his memory trying to jot down all he remembered, he truly begins to hate his life. This is not him, this is not what he loved or he’d follow. He doesn’t want to do this. Although he thought this is the best choice, although he thought he’s doing all this for his mother, he can’t stand it anymore. This is not what he always had in him, what he always wanted, and the thought of it concealed all the answers to the questions dancing before his eyes, he manages more than half of it, and in the end, he just lets go.

The results come out a week later, exactly on the day that his parents arrived in Netherlands. He has no idea that his parents are waiting for him at the restaurant , already aware of his very bad results. He almost gets a heart attack seeing his parents already seated in a table, his father’s hands folded on his chest as though he has waited an eternity to catch him alive. He gulps hard. For two years, somehow he lived without his living nightmare, its two years later that he’s seeing his father again, whether it’s the past or the present, the sight of his father nauseates him, he feels as though it’s the end of his life.

Without a word, he walks to where his parents are sitting,  and bows as hough he’s meeting them for the first time. Its his mother, as expected of her, who gets up on her feet and walks to him, finally folding him in a hug.

“Won Bin~Ah…” She mutters, her voice breaking. He says nothing but hugs her back.

“Gwenchana?” She asks in her ever concerened voice. Won Bin nods. He manages to mutter; “Gwenchana…”

His mother pulls back and hold his face in his hands. “Look at you…you have changed a lot…how many meals have you skipped…?”

He smiles and looks down at his feet. After two years, he’s receiving his mother’s affection.

“You look so tired…honey-,”

“That’s enough Yoo Bin.” His father’s voice sounds from behind his mother. Won Bin gulps, feeling his nausea for the second time and steps away. He can’t believe his father could do this to him. Why does he pull him away from everything important in his life? Even his mother?

His father climbs up on his feet. “Let’s go to where you stay”

Won Bin looks down at his feet and nods in agreement.

For his personal travelling, Won Bin’s father’s friend who also gave him the scholarship, has given him a car. He has been permitted for left hand side driving, been given an appropriate vehicle which he suses to drive from where he stays to the university and to where he works.

He takes the car keys out of his pocket and opens the front passenger door for his father, the rear seat for his mother and loads their baggage into a the trunk all my himself.  With a long breath, he takes his place in the driving seat and soon brings the vehicle into life.

When he’s half way down the road, his father begins what he feared the most.

“You have disappointed us again…Won Bin…”

Won Bin intakes a deep breath. He’s tired of hearing the same phrase although it has been two years since he last heard it from him, every time he hears it, he just feels as though he’s completely useless and as though he’s not worthy enough to be the only son to his parents. He knows they have high expectations on him, higher than his own, but if his father’s classical music never clicks for him, what on earth is he supposed to do?

“I wasted millions just to send you off to here so that you can make a future out of this, but instead what are you doing? C minus? You might as well work at a dog shed than being a shame to values of music.”

“Teacher Ji Won…please…” His mother, as expected, pleads from behind.

Won Bin says nothing but stare out into the road, but deep inside, his inner self is cursing him. ‘Disappoint you father alright…but your mother Won Bin…your mother’

Yes, his mother, he made a promise to her, a promise to somehow succeed in this field before he came here.  It’s for her that he came here, all the way to Netherlands to satisfied his mother’s expectations, but is it his fault that he can’t bear the pain of being alone in a world unknown to everybody, his only company being a cat who doesn’t even understand whatever he tells her?  Is it his fault that he can’t concentrate on studying something he has hated all his life? But surely his father will never understand. He doesn’t know whether his mother will either.

“Yoo Bin, I’ve had enough of this brat. I gave him a chance, he wrecked it. He’s wrecking his whole life!”

Won Bin decides to simply ignore him for a moment along with his nausea and takes a smooth turn entering the high way. He knows only the road from his home to the uni and to the restaurant, and also to the town. Although he has stayed there for more than two years, he hasn’t gotten used to the roads other than those which he always use, he had no interest to know any roads, in his mind, his life in Netherlands is just as pointless.

And just as his father said, his life in Netherlands is wrecking his whole life.

He feels his father’s cold glare on him from his side. Just as a red Fiat Dublo passes by him, he raises the pace of his car.

“He’s a disgrace to what I have been doing for more than forty years! Forty years of my determination, forty years of my pride! And this worthless brat! He’s destroying them, all of them!”

“Please not now, teacher…he’s driving…” His mother mutters again, and Won Bin can clearly sense her tears. He has now grown to understand how far his mother’s love for him goes. If not for her, his father would have practically killed him; it’s her who has kept him alive for twenty years…and if he’s to die tonight, it will be her who will save his life.

But if he’s a disgrace to her too…he can’t be a disgrace, he loves her, and he needs to keep the promise for her, and also for that one girl who’s obviously expecting success for him being miles away. There are enough people who don’t treat him like , but against the force of his father’s pride, nothing can break through for his salvation. His pride is immense, but Won Bin has seen nothing so good in it. Just all his lack of harsh words and anger and erratic, egoist attitudes…

Without even his awareness, his anger rises, the speed of the car takes up along with it, and in a moment, he’s driving in 100 kilometres per hour. The drive to where he stays is an hour long. He drives as though he’s venting his anger on the road, but his father doesn’t even seem to waver.

“Now what must Min Woo be thinking!?! The great teacher Oh Ji Won, maestro of the symphony orchestra, graduated in Germany, all of this and a father of a son who’s not even a fit to clean my shoes!”

Won Bin steps harder onto the paddle, a car passes by as though its life depends on how fast it goes. Not fit enough to clean his shoes…so that is how he thinks of his son. Then what point does he have to remain being his son? He might as well go ahead cleaning shoes for others than living in his nightmare! How great he is? He’s greatness goes way past the sole of his shoe if it’s also where Won Bin belongs…

“Don’t even think of following after your father, you will only destroy the path I made on my own, not even your shadow fit to become a part of classical music. Mozart, Beethoven, they all went through hell for what is left now, and worthless fools like you could only leave dirt in it. Don’t even dream of it”

“Please…Teacher…Won Bin~ah! honey drive slower!”

But Won Bin doesn’t seem to hear. All that his father is telling him fills up his mind, a layer over another, until it fills his mind. His anger rises along with the speed meter before him, once one ten, gradually growing. Vehicles, trees and even the sun shining bright in spite of the warm summer pass by so fast, Won Bin drives on, muttering in his mind, repeating all the things that his own father called him.

Of course he wouldn’t be like him, of course he has no desire to take after him and become a devil that’d rather if his son dies…Mozart, Beethoven? What a joke! Could any of them be compared to Oh Ji Won? He’s just as a worthless fool as much as he is to his father! Yes…he won’t leave dirt in his gracious path, in his magnificent field or rather, his pride. He might as well disappear, disappear out of his father’s sight, fade away from his life so that he won’t hurt his pride anymore…so that they wouldn’t see each other or know each other anymore…so that Won Bin wouldn’t have to hear all this anymore…so that he won’t have to live this pointless life of a nightmare anymore…

“One word for a fool like you Won Bin…Its Piece…of…!”

Hundred and eighty kilometres…he has reached daebak, he feel like laughing. Who’s the piece of now? Won Bin is going to die…The great teacher Oh Ji Won’s son is going to die. Who is the worthless fool now? Who’s hurting his pride now? Just one word…one moment…one minute and just one mistake…Who will be suffering? Hurting? Regretting?

Won Bin steps on the paddle even harder, hunched forward, hands clutched onto the wheel as though he is a mad man, his eyes focused on the clear grey western road. The road is made for him. Straight and clear…and nothing could stop him. He’s laughing underneath. This is what I have left now oh dear father! This clear straight road! What will come of it? Where will it end up? Will the road go on forever? Then he will put an end to this!

 

“Won Bin! Jebal Won Bin~ah!!” He hears his mother behind him, now certainly in her tears. His heart gives him severe pains. I won’t stop…omma can’t stop me…But I love you…

He loves her…but nothing stops him…her cries are nothing against what he just got called by his father. Worthless fool? Piece of ? Then does he even fit to be alive anymore? Minus C. He can even see it floating above his head, laughing at him. If he dies tonight, it’s the Minus C which will be responsible for it…and then his father…

Another car whizzes by them, now almost invisible…

“Won Bin! Are you mad! Slow DOWN RIGHT NOW!” It’s his father’s voice now. He really wants to laugh. Afraid of death, aren’t you oh high and mighty father of mine? Wait and see…I will die…and I will show you…I won’t hurt your pride anymore…

180…183…

“Won Bin~ah! Listen to your mother Darling! I LOVE YOU!” His mother says.

A sudden pain hits his heart. She loves him…His mother loves him! If she loses him…no…he can’t die…it will hurt her…he just can’t die…

The car never seems to stop although he wants it too. The Bright sun has casted its rays against the glass before his eyes, almost blinding him, he can hear his mother cry…he can hear the whisper in his heart…a slow song…a slow tune…what is it? Why can’t he hear it? Isn’t that a force? A force much more powerful than his father’s pride? Something much more important? Something which is important to him as much as his life is? …It’s his whole life…it’s his whole world…

His hands on the wheel slowly loosens…he can almost hears his heart beating…but no…one moment…one mistake…the speed never seems to go down…

The sun light has blinded him, the hush of the wind and his heart beat has made him deaf…the heat of the moment has muted him…his father’s words have filled his head…up to the last point…

…to the last point where he sees nothing…hears nothing…feels nothing…

It’s a bright red truck…the color of it blinds him…and he senses it…it’s the color of his death…but only he should die…if one should die tonight…it should be him…it should be him and nobody else…

The speed has begun to slow down, but it’s just too late…

He should save them…his parents…they shouldn’t die…

And so he turns the wheel to the right, the car holds up its speed…it speeds through, flies through off the road, away from bright red…and suddenly towards something darker and stronger standing still…He closes his eyes, and the only he hears it so clearly, the slow hum in his heart. It has been her…it has been Lee Joone…

“Won Bin~ah…I love you…”

And the sound of the collision echoes throughout the city…is heard from miles to miles…

Only the tree responds with the falling of its leaves…

And he is silent…

 

 

For a week…for a week with her hand hanged, with her unhealed bruises, she sits there beside him and cry. She still doesn’t know what came of him, she still can’t recall everything which happened at that moment, all she knows is that she’s here, crying all the tears she has, and waiting for his return. It has been a week ever since the brutal accident put him into this state. He’s silent, almost lifeless, even his breathing is unheard, his eyes closed tight, his skin white as chalk as he lied among the white sheets, the very sight of him breaks her heart.

He had to go through surgery a few times, his head was severely injured, so was his arm which had to be fixed with a piece of iron on his broken bones, and the injury of his head, although he went through surgery for it, has put in down into a coma, he’s been in it for a week now, not showing any progress. Yoo Bin has come to Netherlands for her brother. It has been hard for her, expecting her first child and her husband being on mandatory military service, but for her brother, she has somehow made it all this way.

Hyun Bin sat still, staring into her son’s pale face waiting for some kind of a movement, her stillness scares her, she feels like its happening to her once again. She went through it, the pain twice in her life, and she doesn’t want it to happen once more, this is something she has feared all her life. She won’t bear it. If it happens again, she will die, she will surely die.

The door to his hospital room opens, and soon she hears her husband calling her name.

“Yoo Bin…”

She remains silent, not once taking her eyes off her son.

Ji Won arrives behind him and lays his hand on her shoulder. For a moment, they continue to watch their son in silence. After a while, Hyun Bin mutters in her breaking voice.

“I couldn’t do it…Teacher…I couldn’t keep the promise…”

Her husband squeezes her shoulder as she broke into tears. “He’d be fine…Don’t worry…”

Yoo Bin purses her lips, restraining herself from crying and touches the pale cold cheek of her son.

“He’s so cold…”

Her husband too, for the first time in many years touches him, slowly pushing his hair away from the plastered patch on his forehead, it pains his heart to see a faint scar on a side on gis pale skin.

“I shouldn’t have done it…” He mutters, his own voice breaking at his memories. “I couldn’t keep the promise either, Hyun Bin…”

She lets out a sigh and turns to him. “How is…your leg now?”

Due to the accident he has also injured his leg as well as few bruises all over himself, but neither him nor his wife is injured as much as their son is. The truth just hurts both of them so bad.

“He has taken a wrong turn…” Explained the policeman while they were examining the site of the accident.”…In this kind of situations, the driver generally takes the right (since the driver is left sided) so that it will save his side…”

The look on the policeman’s face scared them as they awaited him to speak. “It’s clear…” He says with a certain edge in his voice. “…He has been trying to save the passenger’s side…Be thankful, his has saved his parents with minor injuries than his…”

The last lines of the policeman hits them both so hard whenever they thought back to it. He has put his life into danger…saving his parents…Ji Won should have known…

“Hyun Bin~ah…” He mutters, as she pulls away from him when she’s done crying into him for god knows how many times she did it, she looks up.

“The doctor would like to see us…”

The two of them walk out of the room together hand in hand. The doctor is already waiting for them outside.

Since they are foreign, the doctors spoke to them in English, and luckily both of them were fluent in the language, having done their studies abroad. Since its hard for Ji Won to keep standing, the nurses helps him into a wheel chair. Yoo Bin takes a seat in one of the hospital chairs, anticipating something good to hear about her son. The white doctor looks at both of them urgently.

“How…is our son’s progress now…Doctor…” Ji Won asks, afraid of getting any negative replies himself. The doctor adjusts his specs on his nose.

“Well…as it seems…the injury of his head, after the surgery has healed up to a satisfying extent…”

Hyun Bin lets out a sigh in relief. The doctor continues.

“It’s generally by the time that he should come out of the coma…but he hasn’t…we did some examinations regarding this matter…the results explains it that…its due to the state of mind he was in, before he got into a coma…”

Ji Won looks at him questioningly. “State…of mind?”

The doctor nods. “We need to know whether he was…well…mentally sick…by the time the accident took place…”

Ji Won widens his eyes and turns to his wife for help. With her lips pursed tight, she shakes her head.

“We…were not with him…for two years…we came back just today and…”

The doctor looks at them back and forth with surprise. “Are you saying that…you didn’t know whether he had a mental sickness when this happened…?”

Ji Won hangs his head with guilt. He had never known anything about him. How could he have known whether he was mentally sick? He doesn’t know anything, how could he even have guessed?

Hyun Bin leans over and touches his hand. It’s her who speaks next.

“Doctor…two years ago…he…he used to suffer in teenaged depression…”

Ji Won lifts his head with surprise and turns to his wife. Teenaged depression? How could it be that he has never known?

“Depression? I see…” The doctor arranges his specs once more. “So…was he given treatments…for it?”

Hyun Bin nods. “He went through treatments…halfway through…he had to stop when he had to come here…but he was healed when he-,”

“Healed?” Echoes the doctor with surprise. “How could you tell if he’s healed or not Mrs Oh, Depression is a serious mental illness which needs proper treatment, not half way through!”

Hyun Bin hangs her head, tears of guilt flowing down her cheeks. He had to stop his treatments two years ago when he had to take his scholarship, but by the time he left, he looked completely normal, even losing the competition didn’t seem to trouble him…he just came to her, smiling, his hands buried in his pocket and said that he’d decided to leave the band and take the scholarship…she just thought it was normal…

 

…but if it WAS normal, he wouldn’t have left the band…

…If it was normal…he wouldn’t have left the girl…

“Do you at least know why he got into depression?” The doctor asks, she lifts her head, and without any hesitations, she replies.

“He wasn’t receiving enough love from us…we only forced him to do things in our way, yelled at him so badly when he does something wrong…and we never thought of anything in his side…he wanted love…”

The doctor stares at her with surprise and asked. “Didn’t he…ever have a lover?”

Hyun Bin nods again, still looking down at her clenched hands. “He did…but he had to leave her when he came here…”

“He lived here…alone?”

“He…lived with a pet cat…”

The doctor nods, and with a sigh, he backs away. “Then his unconsciousness is clearly a matter of his mentality…and in fact…the accident shows signs of a suicide attempt, which is generally the last point, the peak of teen aged depression…by which, we can come to the conclusion that for the past two years…or few years to be exact, your son has been suffering from depression”

Hyun Bin feels as though a strong spear is crashing through her heart. She should have known…the moment he walked into her room with his ever beautiful smile, his hand buried in his pocket, saying that he’s healed, he will take up the scholarship, she should have known she’s being tricked. Then she remembers…he didn’t want to let her go…she saw how he stared out of his bedroom window with a silver chain held out into the moonlight…his gaze far out into the depths of the summer night sky…he didn’t want to do it...what his heart has been asking him was to stay because he has known he could only be healed as long as he’s with her, but he left. For what his parents asked him to, for what his mother wanted him to do, he left all the hopes he had to be healed and left.

Sitting in the room where he lied lifelessly, Hyun Bin cursed herself for what she did. She should have known more, she should have just guessed it when he walked into her room that day, what made her so happy when she heard it? She let go of the stupid promise after he got sick, so she should have stopped him, saying that she’d be happy with what he already have. He just left, because just as he told Lee Joone, he wanted his parents to love him again.

“Wae…Won Bin~ah…? Why did you lie to me…? Why did you lie to your mother Won Bin~ah…?” She can’t help herself from breaking into tears. If his injury has healed, if he’s in the state to come back alive, if this is completely a matter of his mentality, isn’t this completely their fault? Then how on earth can she restrain herself from crying, how on earth can she restrain herself from feeling the guilt?

The doctor’s voice works in her head over and over again, and every time it does, she’d hate herself.

‘The head injury has completely healed…he’s coming out of the coma but he doesn’t want to come back to life…it’s because of his depression, he did it because he wanted to kill himself, but since he hasn’t, his mentality keeps him dead…which is a state of psychogenic coma…a very rare case…’

How could he be healed? The question hanged over her head although she couldn’t ask. The doctor has already come into the conclusion of them being bad parents who doesn’t understand the state their son is, but what truly happened is she couldn’t bear the shock of it. Her son is not in a real, no-hope coma, but in a state where he lies in a coma caused by his unsteady mentality.

She lets out a sigh. This can’t happen. If he has healed, if he IS in a state where he can come back to life, she can’t let him remain in this unconsciousness, he has to be healed, and she has to heal him.

Ignoring the unbearable pain in her broken arm, she walks out into the busy white corridor and hurries off towards where his doctor must be. Staying in there for a week, she knows perfectly well about his whereabouts. She releases a sigh of relief at the sight of the doctor sitting in his room. She intakes a deep breath. She has to do it…for the most precious gift of her life, she must be ready to do anything…

She knocks few times on the door. The doctor’s husky voice sounded saying something in Dutch. Hyun bin assumes it as his invite for her to come in. With her good hand, she pushes open the door.

“Ah…Mrs. Oh…” The doctor responds at her arrival in his English which is equally as husky as his Dutch and gestures her to sit down. She follows.

“May I help you Mrs. Oh?” He asks, putting his specs aside. She nods and takes a deep breath before she looks up.

“Doctor…I…I want to know how…how my son could be healed…”

The doctor watches her with something close to surprise and said. “The last time I tried to explain, young mister Oh’s parents seemed uninterested…”

Hyun Bin shook her head. “No…I think…I was shocked…”

The doctor continues with his stare, and finally nods. “For a mother…that’s understandable…”

Hyun Bin doesn’t answer but hang her head. The doctor continues. “As for what I wanted to say…the other time…I’m only a specialist in neurology…which means I’m unable to cure the mental state he’s in. I have assigned a psychiatrist to look through into this...”

He takes out a notepad and writes something down on it before he hands it out to her.

“Here…this is the name of the doctor…she will arrive around at five today…I recommend you to follow what she may say…”

Hyun Bin nods. She feels only a quite light as she leaves the room, holding the paper tightly in her hand. She has hopes…she can have him cured…

 

Around at five in the evening, the door of the room where Won Bin lifelessly laid opens up. A young blond headed lady walks in with a nurse behind her, a stack of paperwork clutched in her slim hands. Hyun Bin looks up, forcing a smile on her face, and seeing how pleasant the lady is, relief sweeps through her. She would do…her heart says to her with a hint of encouragement.

…she would do…

“Mrs Oh?” She glances at her paperwork and asks. Hyun Bin gets up on her feet and bows. “Yes…”

The doctor smiles. “Lovely…I’m Doctor Yancov…I will be your son’s doctor for now…”

She hands over the bundle of papers to the nurse and walks to the bed where pale and lifeless Won Bin laid.

“Oh…what a beautiful young man…” She comments as she took her seat next to the bed. She presses her fingers on Won Bin’s wrist and checks his pulses. Then she glances up at the screen. “Hmm...Perfectly normal…”

She turns to the nurse and says something in Dutch. The nurse nods and goes through the paperwork, finds some data and hand it over to her.

The doctor runs her blue eyes over the paper and mutters as though Won Bin hears her.

“Why…my dear, your brain injuries have healed…you’re no longer in a coma…”

She again turns to the nurse and speaks to her in Dutch, she replies in a small voice and nods.

The doctor turns to Hyun Bin. “Young mister Oh has come out of his coma…” She glances down at the boy and back at his mother. “At least the…real…coma…which means its recommended for me to continue with his treatments after having him released from the machine…”

Hyun Bin widens her eyes and looks at the small screen where normal pulse waves are running without a break. “Release him…from the machine…doctor…?”

She nods with a smile. “Yes…he doesn’t need it any longer…he needs only a mental treatment…he will be released from the machine tonight…”

Hyun Bin nods again. “Yes…I understand…”

“Until then…let’s see what could be done…” The doctor says and turns to Won Bin. And as though he can hear all she says, she begins to speak to him in English.

“Mister Oh? Can you hear me…? Mister Oh…I’m here to help you…Your mother…she’s here with you…do you hear me…? She wants you to come back…”

Hyun Bin leans over, ignoring the pain in her arm and stares into her son with expectations. But for her heartbreak, he doesn’t even flicker. The doctor leans in more and speaks some more.

“Mister Oh Won Bin…your mother is waiting for you…would you come back to her…?”

Still nothing.

The doctor straightens up and looks up at Hyun Bin. “Does he have a girlfriend…Mrs Oh?”

Hyun Bin nods without any hesitation. “Yes…but he had to leave her…in Korea two years ago…”

“Didn’t speak to her ever since?”

Hyun Bin shakes her head. “I think not…”

The doctor nods. “Do you think…they broke up before he left?”

Again Hyun Bin shakes her head. “No…it can’t be…they were together until he left…”

The doctor nods with a smile. “That’s much better…”

She returns on speaking to Won Bin.

“Your Girl friend…” She again looks up at Hyun Bin for help. “Lee Joone” She says, sensing what she meant. The doctor nods and returns to Won Bin. “Lee Joone…do you remember what you did together…? She needs you too…she loves you…she wants you to come back…she doesn’t want you to die…nobody wants you to…”

Still Won Bin remains the same, without moving a muscle. The doctor doesn’t seem to have let go off her hopes, but yet she leans over, touches his cold cheek and backs away. Hyun Bin looks at her, horrified. “Doctor…”

She smiles. “Tell me…the reason for his psychogenic coma…is, as I have my records here….his father…is there something he particularly hated about him?”

Hyun Bin takes a deep breath. Won Bin particularly hated everything about him…there was no way that she could stop it. The great secret which is hidden behind Won Bin without even his awareness was the reason for it all…in fact, Won Bin hated his so called father…

“He…hated…everything about him…”

The doctor nods. “I see…what must be the reason? Mister Oh Ji Won…he’s a musician, I suppose…”

Hyun Bin nods. “Yes…”

“Your son is studying music too?”

Hyun Bin nods.

“Does he…like it?”

Hyun Bin takes a deep breath, and shakes her head. She has to tell her the truth. “He…was forced to study classical music…the truth is…Won Bin liked rock music…he was in a rock group two years ago…”

“And he left the band and his girlfriend because his father forced him to…”

Hyun Bin nods guiltily.

“Is it true…he had depression back then too?”

Hyun Bin nods and replies. “It’s…his girlfriend…who helped him…he was getting better when he left.”

“How is his girl friend? Does she nag a lot? Or very caring?”

Hyun Bin sighs, remembering the girl. “Very caring…she was very…concerned about him…”

“So she was worried about him…did he know that she was?”

“Yes” Hyun Bin answers. “He…always wanted her…”

“He did” The doctor states with a smile. “And what about her? Their love…was it…very serious?”

Hyun Bin nods, remembering everything that he has told his sister which Hyun Bin got to know from her. “Yes…they have been quite serious…”

The doctor smiles again. “Very well…then it would be her that we would have to use as the bait…”

Hyun Bin doesn’t comprehend what she meant, the doctor continues.

“Is there…something special between them? A reminder of her? A nickname, a codename or something that he always told her to express his love? Couples usually have those…”

Hyun Bin tries to think of anything of the sort. She really doesn’t know anything of the sort, how they called each other, what kept their bond so strong, what they really did together…she only knew that they kissed on the BOTB stage on the valentine’s day for their first time, that he confessed on his sister’s wedding day, and that he-

Hyun Bin looks up at the doctor. “Well…there’s a song….he wrote it for her…”

The doctor widens her eyes, looking so happy as though she just heard she won a lottery. “Brilliant! We can let him hear it a few times…if he remembers everything about her, hearing it…then he’d probably wake up, wanting to be with her again…”

Hyun Bin takes a deep breath. “Would it work doctor…?”

She gives her a smile. “Of course it would! Your son isn’t in a coma anymore…this is pretend, so he will come back…one way or the other…”

 

 

That night, Won Bin gets released from the machine which seemed to keep him alive, and after few examinations on his external injuries and the healing damage of his brain, he gets released from the intensive care unit to a normal hospital room as any other patient, all through this, Won Bin remains unconscious.

In the morning next day, just as she was asked to, Yoo Bin comes to the hospital with a copy of Soyogi saved in a compact disk, his father brings a small CD player, and at around noon, the doctor arrives with her ever bright smile and takes a seat beside the bed.

“Hello…” She greets to those who are around her and also to the unconscious Won Bin. “Good morning! How is our patient today…?”

She checks on his pulses, takes a note down on her papers and checks his temperature, muttering to herself in Dutch. She takes notes, examining everything which needs to be examined on Won Bin’s progress, and she backs away, smiling.

“I think we can start now…everything else about him are completely normal…”

Ji Won nods and with his wife’s help, he places the petit CD player on the bedside table. They were told to bring anything there which could have do something with her so that it will occur to him how important he is for her, so remembering the stuffed cat that Won Bin told her that he got for Lee Joone, he brings one, assuming it might look the same and lays it beside her, putting the chain with the couple pendant around its neck. Being in another country and not knowing what else which reminds her of him are there hidden in his apartment, this is all that they could do. They introduce Yoo Bin as his sister and told her how badly he needed her, her being his biggest companion at home, so the doctor decided to pick her as the next bait. She takes a seat on the other side of the bed and lets out a sigh.

All three of them watches him with all their expectations as the doctor leans over and presses play.

The sound of a soft guitar being played fills the hospital room, and the smooth heart filling sensation of the song, and then his voice surprises his mother. She listens, now being dragged away by it, every single word sinking into her head, and she begins to cry. So…this is how much he loved the girl. So this is…how much she meant for him. All by the feelings hidden in his voice, Hyun Bin could feel how he had felt about the girl…guilt takes over her. She should never have let him go…she should have kept them together and this would never have happened to him…

Three minutes go by without a single movement from Won Bin, the song ends, and they remain, his family with their lost hopes, but the doctor looks cheerful as ever as though it’s working. She leans over and plays it again.

The room gets filled with the same music once more, and this time, the doctor leans over and takes his pale hand in hers, and gently rubs it with a smile. Yoo Bin speaks as she were asked to, in their language.

“Won Bin~ah….Oh Won Bin…I’m Lee Joone here…Lee Joone has come for you….come back to me Won Bin…Come back…”

The song goes on, but Won Bin never shows any progress. The doctor gestures Yoo Bin to continue, who’s already in her tears. “Come on Won Bin~ah! Let’s go to the karaoke bar together, and we’ll sing together…we will climb up the tower again…come here…hold me…and we’ll make that promise again…come and promise me you won’t leave me again…”

The song still goes on, Won Bin never moves. Yoo Bin doesn’t give up. “Come on sweet heart! What life do I have without you!?! Your omma needs you, ahbujji needs you, the treasure needs you, Pelo needs you your omma needs you and I need you…What the hell! Just snap out of it!”

He still remains the same until his mother suddenly begins it. She sat on the bed beside him and his cheek, which now feels warmer. “Won Bin~ah…sweetie…omma loves you…do you hear me? Omma loves you a lot…and your noona and appa loves you…and Lee Joone…she loves you…can you hear me? She loves you a lot! She wants you to wake up!”

The doctor looks up and gives them an encouraging smile, the song ends, and in spite of the repetition button pressed on, the song plays from the beginning, the doctor opens to say something, and suddenly, as though she just felt something creepy, she widens her eyes and looks down at her hand, all the other three follows her gaze and Hyun Bin gasps.

Won Bin…he’s grasping tightly onto her hand. He has moved…he has woken up…he’s coming back…

“Doctor…” Yoo Bin mutters with surprise, she gestures her to carry on. And so she does.

“Won Bin are you here…? Are you coming back for me…?” Yoo Bin mutters, breaking into tears. “Won Bin….Come on sweetie you can do this…We need you…please!”

And this time, they see it, it’s really happening. Won Bin’s lower lip begins to quiver, his eye lids wanting to open up, and gradually colour returns to his face. The doctor nods and Hyun Bin leans over, pressing her lips on his forehead, she backs away, to see her son’s eyes opening into the white light. He heart begins to give summersaults; she begins to cry even more. She suddenly remembers the first time she held him in her hands, the day he was born. Didn’t she see him opening his eyes that moment when she held that softest warmth in her hands? That’s exactly how she feels right now, as though it’s the moment he was born….

“Won Bin…?”

He doesn’t speak…or he doesn’t find his voice after being so lifeless for seven days….he just stares at her, he stares at his mother, his eyes slightly open, his hand holding tightly onto the doctor’s hand…Its as though he just woke up from a long long dream…

 

Hyun Bin places both her palms on the either sides on his face and tries to smile, her warm teardrops falls onto his face and rolls down his cheek but he doesn’t even waver, he only watches her.He goes on watching her…his wonderful brown eyes searching in her face…and Hyun Bin feels as though she just won a world. She did it…she’s finally done it…her son, her most precious treasure is back in her grasp…

 

And of all the things…she has kept her promise…

The promise that he’s bound to know…

 

 

 

 

“Wake up, sunshine…Time to eat!” He hears her mother whisper in his ear, but its take loads of courage for him to wake up from his dream. Dreaming about Lee Joone and all the times he has spent with her is the most wonderful thing he can ever think of. He turns to a side and continues with his sleep. For the first time in two years of his stay in Netherlands, he feels great in his sleep, the sight of her, even in his deepest dreams can make him feel like he owned the world…

But his mother wants him to eat…and then return to his dreams…but what the hell? Its not like he can pause it and play it again when he wants to?

But when his mother calls him so sweetly and penetratingly, its just as inevitable. He rolls on his back and opens his eyes like a two year old waking up for his diaper change. He sees her mother sighing with a smile, a silver tray held in her hand.

Hospital food. He’d rather eat Pelo’s food if he had to, but not hospital food.

He takes a deep breath and straightens up into a seating position.

It has been two days since he woke up from the longest dream he had had ever in his life. He’s still wondering if it ever happened, in fact, how it really did. He wanted to die alright, and he did die! He remembers walking on the clouds…or that’s what he thinks he saw…but he surely as hell remembers dying although he doesn’t have much memory on going to the heaven or the hell…but he died just as he wanted to…and for some stupid reason…he’s still alive…

No…its not just some stupid reason…

He looks down at the food with disgust. “Not that…” He swallows his disgust looking at whatever the green thing is. “…algae lump again…”

His mother smiles and slowly keeps the tray on the bedside table, and soon produces cup o’ noodles in her hands. “I thought so…” She says with a smile.

Won Bin smiles back. “That lump is NOT for humans…”

His mother nods and twirls the chopsticks in the cup. “It is…but not for us…You’re not allowed to eat anything hot…sweetie…I had to make this with mild water…” She looks up and makes a face. “Might taste a bit funny…”

“Gwenchana…” He says and moves closer. “As long as its edible…”

His mother twirls the sticks a few times and lifts it with the noodle tangled up with the dripping soup. Won Bin takes a mouthful and closes his eyes. It DOES taste weird but a hell lot better than the algae.

“Is it fine?” His mother asks with concern. He nods. “much better…”

And from the side of his lips, the line of the soup drips down. His mother presses a tissue against it, wiping it off and smiles. “You’re just like you appa…” She says, backing away.

Won Bin widens his eyes. His father? His clean freak father is actually a messy eater? That’s the strangest thing he has ever heard!

“Ahbujji?” He asks with surprise. And making it even worse, she shakes her head. “Ani…not ahbujji…your appa…”

His mind floods with confusion. What does she mean? Isn’t ahbujji and appa the same?

“A-a-appa?”

She nods, not a least bit surprised. “Honey…you live in a strange world…A world where every person alive has a secret behind his life…”

He stares down into her hand, trying to comprehend what she’s trying to say. A secret behind his life…? How does it make appa and ahbujji two different people? Then a secret? Is she trying to say that either she or Won Bin has a secret behind her or his life? No…if every person alive has a secret…then they both should have one…

“Secret…?”  Won Bin asks in a slow voice as his mother leans over with more of the noodles. Without really concentrating on it, he opens his mouth and lets her stuff the food into it.

The n she backs away and nods. “Yes…you and I…somehow…share the same secret…which is also the very reason why…” she lets out a sigh and looks away. “Your ahbujji he…treats you that way…”

 

Won Bin stops munching and pauses to think. Then…the secret is what which makes him treat like ? It’s the secret that…

Won Bin doesn’t get it. If…he doesn’t really believe this but if…by any chance, his father is somebody else…how could it be that Won Bin looks exactly like his ahbujji? If there’s a way the world functions, if the features and qualities are passed from father to son through the genes, and if Won Bin looks like teacher Ji Won…they should be sharing the same genes…

Won Bin shakes his head. No…then it becomes even more complicated. Won Bin’s and his father’s genetic structures should be the same…otherwise they won’t look alike…

“Honey…you know, I TRIED to stop him doing that…but how can I blame him? I’m the one…who did the mistake...” Then she shakes her head. “Andwae….You…you can’t be a mistake….”

Won Bin widens his eyes. Then…could it be...that the assumptions he made are true?

Andwae…that can’t be…Why? If he looks into a mirror what he sees is a resemblance of his father’s past. How could he be…a mistake? Or not be a mistake? This is too confusing for him to bear.

“Omma…” He asks as calmly as possible. She looks up. He intakes a deep breath. “What…exactly is the…secret?”

“Would you mind listening to a long story?” His mother asks. Won Bin nods. “Not at all…shall I do the eating?”

His mother nods, hands him over the cup and sits back. Won Bin, still wondering what the secret could be, sits straight, all ready to hear the story and twirls the chopsticks round and round in the cup.

His mother takes a deep breath and begins.

“Well…this…happened…I think it was when I was a high schooler, that’s where I should start.”

Won Bin swallows hard. She continues.

 

“So…When I was a high schooler, I was in a middle class family, I was the only child, my mum and dad worked in the government sector and I was given all the freedom I wanted.

I went to a school where both girls and boys studied, just like you did. And one day, I think it was at the beginning of the second grade at high school that two boys entered our school. They were freshmen, and most importantly, they were twins. But the strangest thing was, although they looked exactly the same with no way that we can tell them apart just by the appearance, they had completely different personalities. One was a clean freak, hated almost everybody in the world, treated others so badly while the other was the complete opposite. Everyone at school loved him. He always smiled, helped others and knew how to keep another smiling.  Few months passed and everything began when I became the organizer of the school talent show. The two twins were to do a performance, a piece of classical music with the piano and the violin. The mean and the older one played the piano while the cheerful younger one played the violin, but no matter how he tried…he was a bad arse at it. And during those two months of the talent show practices, I got tangled up in an incredible love triangle. I loved the cheerful one while the mean one liked me. The happy one gave up on the violin, on classical music completely when he embarrassed himself at the talent show. He then joined an indie band from our school. Their parents allowed them to do anything too, so it didn’t really matter to them, but it really annoyed the older one, he tried everything to stop him…and while so, the younger one, well…just like you did to Lee Joone…he confessed to me. We were together for a while then…but the older one was broken. He liked me…and most of the others didn’t like him despite his mean egoist personality, but the younger one, he let go of me and asked me to be with his brother for his sake. It was sad…and I had to do it…”

Won Bin listens intently as he could, eating in the process, half way understanding what she meant before. Wiping her tears, his mother continues.

 

“The younger one was Oh Jung Won…the older, was Oh Ji Won…they were fraternal twins. Fraternal twins generally look identical but in all the other ways, they are different. They think different, their personalities are different, and that’s why Jung Won was the complete opposite of his brother…

 

However  after high school, their parents let them take their own ways. Jung Won continued with the indie band as a guitarist and Ji Won took up classical music. He entered a university in Germany, and since I was with him, I also went with him.

Its not like there was anything particularly bad about him, he was really good as a lover, and living with only him, having only him for me, I fell for him. Four years went by and we returned to Korea four years later. By the time we returned, Jung Won had moved to Busan with his girlfriend. Two years later, Ji Won and I got married. Ji won started his carrier as maestro and made his own orchestra, and a year later I had Yoo Bin. It was such a wonderful time, and I loved her with all my heart…it was when she was two that Jung Won returns to Seoul. He has never gotten married to his girl friend, in fact, with his career as a guitarist, all he had managed to do was playing at a bar. All he had earned wasn’t enough to have a wedding ceremony, and since their parents have moved to Japan, leaving their sons to decide on their own, he had no one to turn to. He had to beg his brother to let him live with us, and also with my force, Ji Won agreed.”

 

By that time Won Bin thought he has completely understood the story, but he doesn’t interrupt. He puts his finished cup of noodles and leans against the head board seeking for comfort. His mother goes on.

“So another year or two passed by without any trouble. Jung Won helped out with house hold work and also with your sister’s work. He did the driving and cleaning, all this without once complaining. This way, time passes, and soon, I got pregnant of a boy. Just as before, it was such a pleasant time, and I always wanted a boy child so that one day when he grows up, by husband, my brother in law and also my son would look alike, I thought of how wonderful it would be. Both Ji Won and Jung Won were happy for me…I got a beautiful baby boy…I was so happy…and time passed, we went on so happily until…”

“Until?” Won Bin asks, pushing her to continue, assuming she would leave him hanging, and so she does, wiping off her warm tears.”

“I named him Yoo Won so it goes with Yoo Bin’s name and mine….and I think it was when he was four…he was in the garden, playing, and I was there, watching him. Yoo Bin was at school, Ji Won was at home, Jung Won wasn’t at home…I don’t exactly remember where he could have been…and Ji Won called me for something…it was the biggest mistake of my life…I left Yoo Won all by himself…and it was when I was upstairs that I heard a sound, something so loud…I ran all the way out into the garden and…Yoo Won he…”

Won Bin couldn’t stand it when she cries, he leans over and holds her in his hands. But she never stops her narration.

 

“The cause of his death was severe head injury. He has climbed up one of his garden toys and has ended up falling onto the stone path in the garden, hitting the back of his head…

I was broken after his death…it was all my fault after all…I thought I would even go crazy…and Ji Won, he got tired of me. He hated to have me around him, crying every time I see something to do with Yoo Won, and so, he left me. He said he had a workshop with the orchestra in japan and went away, I was left alone, crying all by myself. It’s the kind of time that a woman needs her husband by her side…a loss of a child? How could I bear it? That was when I had to turn to Jung Won. I looked out for his warmth, and being lovers in the past, I got so close to him, and unlike Ji Won, during the days Ji Won was away, he did everything for me, made me feel better…and…somehow…I don’t know it was for smother my pain or it was to fulfil my likeness to  be a mother to a coy child…but however, Jung Won fulfilled it…and I was gifted…with you…”

Won Bin sits still, unable to make he really believe it. But it has been true…his assumptions had been true…Then there IS a difference between appa and ahbujji…Ahbujji is the one who  takes the roll of the father in one’s life while appa is the one who loves him for real. Then its him who he really belongs to…it’s the answer for everything…the answer for why he’s being treated like . The answer why…he’s nothing like his ahbujji…the answer to why…the violin never works out for him…the reason why his father’s kind of music never clicks for him…

But if he does belong to his appa…then shouldn’t he be somewhere out there, waiting for his son to come looking for him?  But then again, if he IS out there then…otherwise he’s…what could it possibly be…

 

Won Bin gulps hard, and looks up at his mother. He has to know. If he’s there, waiting for him or if he’s…

 

He just has to know…

But he fears the answer…

“Omma…” Won Bin begins after a long breath. His mother looks up with tear filled eyes. Won Bin gulps before he asks. “Then…what about my appa?”

 

She never does answer. Instead, she leans over to him and places her hand on his cheek. “Won Bin you…you’re the exact resemblance of your father…there’s no difference at all…”

“Omma…” He tries again. And this time, she takes a deep breath and sits back.

 

“Five months later after I got gifted of you, Ji Won returns to Seoul, and seeing me in that state, it shocks him…he immediately realizes what has happened, he doesn’t bear it…he simply throws Jung Won out of the house, but that moment I promised him I will find him, and I will somehow get him to meet his son one day when he’s born, and he left. Another five months passed by with no news of Jung Won’s whereabouts, then you were born. I named you after our names, Won from your appa and ahbujji, Bin from my name…and another year went by. Never hearing from your appa really worries me, and so you grew up with all my care. I cared for you a lot more than I cared for Ji Won, you just meant a lot for me, a precious gift I received from the man I really loved. And then, he returns, your appa. It isn’t as he always does. I expected him to be leading a better life, but what has happened instead is that he has fallen down more and more into the pit. He has continued playing the guitar, it had never worked out for him, and he has lost everything…worse of all, he were sick. Ji Won refused to take him back to live with us but yet found him a place to stay a few blocks away from our place. A few days later we realized, he had been addicted to smoking and now he’s suffering from a cancer. We tried everything for him, to keep him alive. He got the chance to hold you too,…and believe me, you said your first word ‘appa’ when he was holding you…he was so happy that he got such an opportunity…but he got weaker and weaker until there was nothing left for any of us to do. I spent ages at his place, treating him, but in the end, we had nothing left to do…he had never given up on smoking.  Before he died, he called me, Ji Won and both you and Yoo Bin were there. He called us closer and said. ‘Hyun Bin~ah…Ji Won…Listen to me…can you make me a promise?’

 

‘Promise me…that you will never let my son to do the same mistake that I did. Make him follow Ji Won’s path…if he doesn’t want to, just force him…but never let him do what I did. A man can somehow make it through with the violin being his weapon…but if he chooses the guitar instead…the ending I had will be the ending that any man would receive…why I did this was I always expected my parents to cover up for me…I thought I could depend on them…but I couldn’t. Its not reliable, so don’t be too close to him and let him do whatever he likes. Let him grow on his own and learn on his own…but never let him do the same mistake that I did…Hyun Bin…You don’t want all of this to happen all over again, do you? If not…protect him for me…promise me you would…’

And I did. I promised him that I will do exactly as he said. A week later…he left this world…leaving you for me…and you…sweetie, you’re all I have left of him, you’re all that your ahbujji and your grandparents have left of him is you…so I had to keep the promise…just to protect you…now do you understand why I had to treat you that way? I or Jung Won never thought you will end up being sick because what I did…but after you did…I let go of the promise. It didn’t matter anymore…but you did…”

 

Won Bin feels his own tears welling up in his eyes as he watched his mother in tears. Then that’s it. That was the reason why his mother stayed away from him, why his parents forced him take up his father’s path. They have feared it, if Won Bin too will end up in the same state that his true father did. Oh how much he cursed them for doing that! How much he wished they were not his parents! But now only he realize…they had been trying to protect him…they were trying so hard to do it that they never realized what was coming of him…

Won Bin leans over and runs his hands around his mother. When she hugs him back, he really begins to cry, reminding very much of his young years. Didn’t he do the same when he  was young and when he was hurt? He feels exactly the same, as though he had returned to his younger years.

“Mianne…omma…mianne…” He muttered into her shoulder. She patted on his back. “Gwenchana Won Bin…just promise me you want end up that way…promise me you will somehow make your dreams come true…”

Surprised by her statement, Won Bin pulls back. “Omma?”

She smiles through her tears and wipes his cheeks with her hand. “Your ahbujji and I…we have decided to take you back to Korea…and make your dreams come true…”

Won Bin shakes his head. No. He has to make THEIR dreams come true. It can’t be the other way around!

“Omma” He mutters in a low voice. “I won’t return to Korea…I should…I should try my best and-,”

His mother too, shakes her head. “aniya…Won Bin~ah…you can’t do this, not even you forced yourself to. You’re just like your father…so its fine…I’m sure you won’t just…break down, just like that…you’re my son after all…so you would make it…I know…”

He still doesn’t want to give in. “But omma…”

Won Bin’s mother smiles and from the bag lying on the end of the bed, she takes something out, and lays it on his lap.  “I thought this might interest you…”

He looks down and widens his eyes.

It’s a CD, a music album to be precise. It takes him some time to recognize the five people on the cover of it, they just look completely different from how he remembered…

‘FTISLAND’ it says in brown bold letters. ‘Cross&Change’ says the album title underneath. And he recognizes them one by one.

First Hong Gi, then someone who looks someone close to Jong Hun, then Jae Jin with a totally unrecognizable hair do, then the rapper boy from FTFOUR who’s name he can’t exactly remember, and then Minhwan. He smiles and looks up at his mother.

She smiles back. “FTISLAND…Your previous band…right? Its quite famous now…Your girlfriend, she did so much for it…and somehow made it through to FNC entertainments…the band made it through in six months and now they’re doing great!”

He smiles and looks down at the album again. Then she has done it…she has kept the promise for him…and all because of her…the band is has raised, and now shining…

But Lee Joone…if he’s returning to Korea…has she ever…what if she had…?

“Omma…” He asks, although he knows she might not know anything. “Lee Joone she…?”

His mother smiles and squeezes his cheek. “Lee Joone is doing great! I met Jae Jin before I came here…and he said she’s doing very well. She has moved houses and now lives few blocks away from ours…she’s working as the band’s manager now as I know it…and…” She makes an odd smile and says. “For some reason…being a very beautiful young woman, she still doesn’t have a love interest!...or…that’s how they know it…”

Won Bin smiles even wider, and for some reason everything has begun to work out just right. And maybe…just maybe…in spite of his deepest desires…she must be still waiting for him…

The door of his hospital room flies open and a familiar voice sounds through it. Both Won Bin and his mother looks up in surprise.

“Okay…now what did I miss out…”

Won Bin almost gets a heart attack.

Standing before the closed door is his sister, who he’s meeting after two and half years. He widens his eyes, and stares down at her big round belly. Then glances up into her face.

“Noona?” Won Bin manages only two mutter, taken up fully by surprise.

She smiles. “Ah well…I was waiting until she’s finally out…before I let you know…”

 

 

 

Six months pass by.

During six months, he finishes his next semester of his scholar ship while going through his treatments and also resting after the accident, and somehow, at the end of the six months, he passes to his third year with a minus A. He continues no more.

After his return, he takes some time to settle down and return to his past life. He brings Pelo alone, and the return becomes a great joy for him along with his sister giving birth to a little girl and him keeping a big step as an uncle. Yoo Bin names the child Joone, and since her new surname is Lee, her name becomes Lee Joone, just how Won Bin preferred it.

Speaking of her, Won Bin still hasn’t met her. He has seen the band quite a lot on the TV, but yet he doesn’t know whether or not to meet them, he’s afraid they’d hate him for what he did.

A week later he enters the Kyongee university, he does a crash course to cover what he missed during his first year of it and easily enters to the second year as a student in digital music, and after three years, he meets his best friend Jong Hun who’s following the same course as he is. From him he learns to know that Lee Joone is also in the same university studying Human resources, and just as he wished for it, she has never moved on, but Jong Hun certainly has, which makes it better.

It’s winter in Korea now, just a few days before Christmas and the thick snow makes it just as impossible for people to travel through the roads, but he never misses out on any of his lectures, he’s enjoying it that much, he loves what he’s doing, and returning to his normal life is just so fabulous. Only that he’s not with his band anymore…and he still hadn’t met Lee Joone…

It’s another chilly morning when he catches a glimpse of her at the parking lot, and seeing her, it just surprises him to death.

Beautiful. It’s all that he can think of.

She stands there under the winter sunlight, the slow breeze passing by her, making her long dark mane of hair fly along with it. It’s so long, longer than he remembers, slightly wavy and fringes falling on her  face. She has certainly gained some weight, and her face seems brighter and even more beautiful than he remembers. On her gorgeous rosy lips forms a slight smile as she stared in to her opposite direction few feet away from where Won Bin stands, and Won Bin can’t help thinking…she has grown up. She has grown up to become a fine young woman.

He watches her when she raises her slender hand up in the air and makes a slow wave; he quickly looks at the direction where her eyes are, only to see Hong Gi coming running to her. He watches him with his doubts, wondering whether what he heard about her is true, but his doubts get answered when another girl follows him. She looks older though, but when Hong Gi runs his hand around her waist and pulls her close to him, Won Bin lets out a sigh. Then it’s true…Lee Joone HAS waited for him…she has never moved on.

Another two days go by without another glimpse of her, and soon the Christmas eve comes by. After the lectures, Jong Hun hands him a hand out. “Come to the mess hall…tonight…it’s a college thing…and we’re performing…okay?”

Won Bin nods. And that was with all his expectations. Maybe…just maybe…he will get to meet her tonight…

As he hops out of his jeep into the snow filled parking lot, he clutches the hand out tightly in his hands. In his clenched fist are all his expectations to see her, and they’re so strong that it makes so hard for him to move on, but yet he does, and in slow steps, he makes it over to the college’s main hall.

It surprises the hell out of him when something suddenly crashes into him. And if not for his rubber boots, he’d have fallen on his back into the cold snow. He turns to the direction where whatever he ran into is headed to, and his heart…inexplicably runs so fast. And stops.

Its…her…he’s finally met her…

His jaw falls slack as her hair swifts by the graceful curves on her waist as she turns to him with a smile. She smiles in a hurry and begins to apologize.

“Miannaeyo-,”

And she pauses on her words, just as much as surprised as he is, and for a moment, their eyes meet. He feels like he’s falling into her eyes for million years. And slowly she mutters.

“Wo-Wo-Won Bin…Neaul…?”

“Lee Joone~ah…”

She never seems to make a move, and also for his surprise, he’s frozen to the spot…unable to move a limb, and from a distance he hears a voice.

“Noona? Noona are you there?”

Both Won Bin and Lee Joone looks down into her hand, her phone is clutched in it, someone on the hold.

He sees hoe she trembles as she lifts her hand to answer, even her voice does when she speaks.

“Ah…yeh…Minari…I-I’m coming…”

She lets out a sigh, and looks back at him. His heart freezes when their eyes meet again. And she mutters.

“Ah- I…I’m..in a hurry now…but oh Please…come to the concert…”

Won Bin nods, he’s trembling himself! Is it because of the cold? Or because of their sudden encounter? He still can’t recall…

“I-I-I was…on the way…”

Lee Joone nods with a smile, and turns away. Won Bin is still unable to move. It gives him a heart attack for the second time when she turns back to him.

“Won Bin...?”

He raises his brows. “Eh?”

She smiles. “Ani…just…You look…great…”

Won Bin nods, and looks down at his feet, embarrassed. “Ah…You…too Joonie…”

“Then…see you…”

He watches her, still unable to breath as she hurried away from his sight.

 

 

 

I return to the crowded hall with the drum sticks clutched tightly in my hand, feeling like I just got a minor heart attack. For a moment, I wonder, Am I dreaming? Hey! Pinch me! I’m lost in a dream!

But then again…I felt him…I felt him hitting on me hard…

I’m not…dead…am I?

“Joonie noona… You alright?”  I hear a distant voice from somewhere but for a moment, I try to move…only to realize that I can’t. Is it the temperature? Or because I…

A hand lands on my shoulder, but I still don’t move. It takes me quit long to realize that I’m breathless.

“Thanks…” Another voice says, I see Minhwan’s hand coming to me, and the drum sticks are gone. I shake my head to come back to senses. No…this is real…this is true…it was him…it was really him…

But then again…he was fatter…shorter…and had red hair…

I take a deep breath. No…it was him. By the look I saw it. It WAS him.

“Noona are you sure alright?” Another voice mutters, and soon I see a face before mine. I gasp. Seriously!  Jae Jin’s new hair do DOES freek me out!

“You don’t look fine! Hey! You look pale! What happened?”

I shake my head and finally force a smile. I mean, what could I say?

“Ani…just tired…”

Another someone comes to me. “Hey! Aren’t we supposed to go on stage now?”

I nod, suddenly realizing that I’m actually in the middle of doing something.

“Go on! I’ll come along”

Tonight FTISLAND and a few other groups of which some or all the members are stuents of Kyonghee gather together and perform for the coming Christmas and the new year, it’s a college tradition for the music group which have something to do with the uni would hold a get together event, and also it has nothing to do with the general public. Its just us, and the fact is just a relief. I can’t imagine how it would be like if we had somewhat thousand fans, or ‘primadonnas’  buzzing around here, it would take light years for me to shoo them away. And the next most important thing is, even I get to play there tonight. Since the complete performance will be live, many instruments will be played. I will be on the piano. I take a deep breath, sigh out all my fears and doubts and take of my scarf and the coat, revealing a simple black sweater, I push my hair off my face, grab my notes from where I left them and run off into the mess hall.

 

 

Won Bin burries his practically frozen hands into his pocket and follows after the pool of students, assuming they are also on the way to the mess hall. Being here only for around week or so, he still hasn’t become familiar with the places and halls of the whole place. Without someone’s help, he can’t imagine where the hell he will end up. He climbs up a wide staircase, still following alone, and he sees it, a sophisticated wide entrance with a massive red and gold ‘meery Christmas’ sign placed over it. Finally, he has found the place.

He walks in to find a very cheerful hall. Its darkened, and everyone sat in a massive circle on the floor, the last few circles were seated on chairs and a petit performance area, quite a small stage built up in the middle with an electric piano  and a few mike stands and a drum set placed conveniently. He sees a few girls holding up yellow flags on which the name of the band in printed in black. The hall is fiiled with cheerful conversations and laughter, the atmosphere is very pleasant, but yet Won Bin’s still unable to keep himself steady. He feels as though he’s about to faint.

He met her…Won Bin actually met her…three years later they met each other again!

But he has this slightest feeling…did she look very happy seeing him again? He just feels she wasn’t. What if she has lost interest in him? What if she feels he’s not a fit to her anymore? Then what will he do?

It really surprises him when a great light takes over the darkness in the hall, and a loud music begins to play. Won Bin stops to wonder a while, trying to figure out what is actually going on. Then he realizes, the concert has begun.

The first few performances are just as boring for him to watch, He stares at them, the strange girls performing those bone breaking dances with dresses as short as not wearing any. In fact, his impatiently waiting for FTISLAND to perform, so that he can catch at least a glimpse of her, somewhere around them, busying herself with her usual work. A slightest view of her could really help him to make through the rest of the day.

A few more boring performances go on, and around half an hour later, the whole audience goes completely dark again. Won Bin lets out a sigh. This can’t be the end of this! He waited an eternity for FTISLAND to perform!

For his relief, a sound of a guitar riff sounds from somewhere on the stage. The stage lights come back on again, and the girls begin to scream the hell out of themselves.

Girls. Won Bin mutters to himself. They are all the same.

Along with the bright stage lights, few girls in black walk into the view with classical music instruments in their hands. Three violins, a cello, and another walks over to the piano, and Won Bin’s heart gets stuck in his throat. It’s the most beautiful pianist that he could ever imagine, even in his dreams. As he watched her, his eyes glued on her, following whatever she did, the band comes into view.

It surprises the hell out of him when the guitars, the cello, the violins and also the piano begin to play. Won Bin suddenly looks up to see the whole group for real before his eyes. His band, the band which he had to hide behind many lies to somehow bring up to a better stage has now gotten to the peak. He sees Jong Hun glancing down at him, he smiles as though to show it that he has kept his promise, Jae Jin doesn’t see him but goes on playing, the next person who sees him is Hong Gi, even despite of singing a rather emotional song, yet he gives him a smile. Won Bin smiles back. Although he thought they will never want to see him again, he has this slightest feeling if they’d like to.

The song is a mixed rock and classical music track, and by the way Hong Gi sang the same word over and over again as the chorus, Won Bin assumed its name as ‘Missing you’.

His eyes darts back to Lee Joone, and it surprises him how his heart stops everytime he sees her, but yet he watches her. How her fingers move, how her eyes follow the notes on the sheet, how a beautiful smile is casted on her lips. He lets out a sigh. He feels like he has gone back to the past, to the moment where he realized when he was in love. No…maybe he’s falling in love once all over again, with the same girl.

The song ends sooner than it should have, and except for Lee Joone, the other four girls leave. Lee Joone lets out a long sigh and lifts her eyes, simply landing on his.

That very moment, he feels like he’s dying inside. Why can’t he own those beautiful eyes again? Why can’t he hold her and tell her how much he loved her like he did three years ago? Why are they acting like…total strangers? Won Bin can’t stand this, but he doesn’t know whether or not he should make the very first move.

The next song begins a few minutes later, and even that surprises him, its not any other reason, its ‘Moonlight angel’ they’re singing, the song that he wrote for her before he left.

Hearing thwe song is just a relief for him, and it sounds just as perfect. He has always admired Hong Gi for his unbelievable talents in singing, and his voice being just as fair for the song, blending along with the skinny little boys voice who’s name he still can’t recall. Lee Joone, just as before, plays along, her eyes still focused on him, and he too, glances at her then and there as though they’re meeting for the very first time.

The song ends soon, the girls begin to scream the hell out, and it breaks his heart at the sight of her leaving the stage. The next two items are rock songs performed by FTISLAND with a certain cheerfulness hidden in it, after it ended, a girl group comes onto the stage and simply wears  him out. He lets out a sigh, still thinking about the moment when their eyes locked and slowly walks out of the hall and into the snow.

Its when he’s practically in the jeep when he hears someone calling his name. Surprised by the sudden encounter, Won Bin turns around to meet his best friend Jong Hun’s eyes focused on  him. He gives him a smile.

“Mwo?” Won Bin asks in a small voice. Jong Hun smiles in response and gives him a card. Won Bin takes it in his hand and examins it. It’s a photocard of FTISLAND.

Jong Hun makes a fake laugh. “Not this side silly, turn it to the other side!”

Won Bin nods, and follows. His eyes widens without his awareness at the characters neately written in the white card.

“Come to the big arch, at 3.00 tomorrow…” It said in the Japanese characters. And at the bottom of it, there’s another line written in Hangul.

“I’ll be waiting…”

Won Bin lifts his eyes back to Jong Hun.

“Who gave you this?” He asks, only slightly curious about the real owner of these letters. Jong Hun buries his hands in his pockets and smiles.

“You would certainly know it…tomorrow…”

And he simply walks away. Won Bin watches him go, his lips parted as though he has something to say, and his eyes goes back to the card.

“I’ll be waiting…”

And his heart stops beating again.

 

 

 

“You’re coming or not?” Oppa asks standing in the doorway to my room looking annoyed as ever. It has been hours since I started this, no wonder he’s pissed off, but come on. Am I not supposed to look pretty when I’m to meet my boyfriend three years later? Plus without the make up, there’s nothing specifically beautiful about me, although he suggests me to go without that because he’s getting late for work.

Only if my stupid car didn’t get stuck in the snow…

“Gimme a minute okay?” I yell back, smacking a bubble gum lip balm on my chipped lips. He certainly won’t like those.

“Paboya” Oppa comments, probably watching me from the mirror. “You don’t even have to do that! You’re pretty enough without it”

I make a mocking laugh. “Yeah right…”

“Then were you wearing makeup when he liked you three years ago?”

I pause on what I was doing and wonder. He’s kind of right. I mean, we didn’t even have enough money to get any make up back then, I looked like a complete wreck back then but still he liked me…

I shake my head. That was when we were young and stupid and when we thought holding hands was real love. I have to look pretty. He came from Netherlands! I don’t know anything about there, but I’m sure as hell that there are plenty of pretty girls there.

“Done” I say as I put on the finishing touches on my face. I stand back and get a full view of my self. I let out a disappointed sigh. I wish I never gained any weight!

“Come now, I have work to do” Oppa complains again. I decide to not to think much about my weight. It’s not like there’s any possible way that I can get rid of it in six hours.

I put on my coat, wrap a knitted scarf around my neck and wish Grand ma and Mi Ja for a good morning  and run out of the house.

 

There’s no specific reason why I don’t like Hyorin, I have known her ever since I got into uni and it’s not like she’s not pretty or anything. She has a pair of exceptionally big eyes and a straight set of teeth in her always smiling mouth, but I just hate her for a reason that I can’t recall.

“What’s with the pretty face?” She asks as I gather my project files getting ready to run out of the lecture hall. And when I’m really in a hurry, I just can’t stand hearing her speaking to me. I roll my eyes, let out a long sigh and turn to her. “I’m in a hurry…can we speak later?”

She stares into my eyes as though I just said something insane, her lips parted slightly, and moves away with a nod. “Ah, alright then…”

Feeling that I treated her bad, I give her a smile. “I’ll tell you tomorrow okay? Wish me luck!”

She smiles back. “Alright! Good luck then?”

I give her a quick wave and hurry out of the hall.

Inspite of all the strange feelings I have right now, I feel as though I can’t find my way out of the crowded corridor.  The pool of students flooding out of their halls after their afternoon lectures are immense, and as I make my way through to my locker, I end up running into Hong Gi.

“Hey!” I greet with a smile. “What are you doing around here?”

Hong Gi smiles. “I thought you might need some help there…”

“Jinja?” I ask with surprise. He nods. I hold out my project files to him. “Know my locker?  Code number 3490. Stuff those in okay?”

He nods with a smile and takes my files. “You look pretty today by the way”

All I manage is a smile before I made my way through and out of the crowded corridor.

It’s the Christmas day, to be exact, but since it’s the end of the year and also since we couldn’t finish half of the syllabas for the semester end paper, we had out afternoon lecture, morning and evening ones cancelled. Its good though. No lectures at the beginning and the end of the day but in the middle, that’s all I can really handle.

The snow has practically covered all my ways out into the college garden but my feet somehow work it out, that’s how far my courage goes, my vits go, and my doubts go.

I’m still with all my doubts whether he’d actually turn up,  but I’m taking all my chances, its not like he has any big reason to not to turn up tonight…only that…

I let out a sigh and look out into the snowy white path. What if he has lost all his interest in me? What if he really doesn’t want to take me back? What if THAT is why he asked me to move on? Last night when I saw him, he wasn’t the same Won Bin I used to know. He seemed as though he was…surprised to see me…as though he has really expected me to move on…or as though he already has someone in interest , whatever the case is, I sensed it as though he’s not really happy to see me.

As I walked along the snow, my feet sinking into it, crushing it in the process, my mind runs back in time to the past. Suddenly I begin to wish we were still in those stupid young ages where nothing was serious, just sweet candy love. I just wish we can love in the same way. But what has come of us now? Ain’t I living with my doubts? Plus he didn’t even try to come see me, it can’t be that he has rely yesterday, it must have been long before we accidently met…

It doesn’t take me long to arrive by the big arch of the university. I bury my hands in my coat pocket and look up into it. Every time I look at it, I feel like I’m looking into a massive fish bone, It’s all silver, an exceptionally wonderful work of modern art. I don’t know any significance about it, only that this a place where couples enjoy their time sitting out in the sun, flirting. The only person who hasn’t spent her time here is me. I walk to it and sit on a cold concrete step.

The Kyonghee university is not the kind of a place where they start something and leave it ignored, and the great arch, somehow is never left out. No matter what season or atmosphere we’re in, they will always, always clean it out.

I press my chin against my palm and let out a sigh. For a moment I wonder if there’s really any sense in what I’m doing. What if he never turns up? Wouldn’t I be left here to be freezed in the snow waiting for something which will never happen? Plus I took plenty of time just to come here, and its not like it’s a long way from the music department although it’s a lot far away from the human resources departmet, in which case he should have come here all before I did. Then shouldn’t he be here already?

Time passes by, slower than I have ever known, but no matter how long I stare out into the depths of whitness, I see no trace of him, he’s just far away from me, just as he was for the past three years. What point do I have in doing this? Its crystal clear he’s not coming, I gave him pleanty of time, and he surely as hell got the note, its not like he never did or never knew…

Without my awareness, tears begin to flow down my cheek. I will stay. No matter if he ever come or not, I will wait for him. I waited for him for three years, comparing to all that time, why can’t I keep steady for just a few minutes. I will wait. For the love which I once I had and I lost…I will wait no matter how long it will take-,

And that’s when I see it. A dark shadow, almost invisible coming through the snow to the direction of the arch. For a moment, I lift my head and begin to wonder if anyone else would bother to visit the arch during this kind of a temperature, and also if Won Bin’s not coming for me then…

The shadow comes closer and closer until it grows into a man. Into the man that I have always loved…into the man that I had been waiting for three years…

He has come…he has come for me…Won Bin…he has really come for me.

My heart beating faster and faster in my chest as though we’re meeting for the first time. I climb up on my feet.

The wonderful figure of Won Bin stands still under the gleaming sunlight only a few feet away from me. His brown eyes glitters under the sun, the platinum shine explaining it all for me. He still loves me, he’s still ready to accept me…then…he hasn’t moved on…

He has his hands buried in his pocket, and he makes a few steps towards me. I smile, my heart beating crazily in my throat, and slyly look into his eyes. No matter how many times I blink away his gawk, all I see is him watching me. Slowly, making a step towards him, I ask, loud enough for him to hear.

“So…You came…?”

He smiles and nods at me. He too makes a few steps towards me.

“And you waited…”

I nod in reply, and everything happens in a flash.

I can’t recall how so many things could happen in such a short period of time. His feet crashes through the thick layers of snow as he makes his way towards me, his eyes watching only me, and I too walk to him in a fast movement, almost running as though I don’t want to lose him again. As he approaches me, ending up right inches away from me, he’s as breathless as ever. I stare into his eyes with wonder. Who am I fooling? Those are the same eyes that I fell in love with three years ago, the same hands that I once was held in, the same heart which once took me away, and when he presses his lips on mine, I know it, those are the same lips that I used to cherish.

My heart simply stops beating in my chest when his warm hands circles around my waist, his lips parting mine, and without giving him more pressure, I part my lips myself, allowing him to explore, I just close my eyes. He kisses me, deep and long, making sweet subtle pecking noises in my ears, filling me with the warm melting feeling in my heart which I missed receiving for three whole years, and I too, place my hands on his shoulders and let the feeling run through me, letting it overwhelm me and take over me.

It just surprises the hell out of me when he soon pulls away. He presses his forehead on mine and lets out long slow breaths.

“Wae?” I ask, my voice sounding worried. “Anything wrong?”

He shakes his head and bites on his lower lip. “Why…do your lips taste like… bubble-gum?”

I widen my eyes with surprise, remembering the bubble-gum lip balm I used in the morning on my chipped lips. He smiles. “Never mind…I like it that way…”

And he presses his lips on mine for a second time, this once, his hand lifting my face up to his, in spite of my height, he has bended down enough to reach me, but he doesn’t seem to care. I make a step behind so that I will be up on a stone step, making it easier for him, without once breaking apart from him. He goes on kissing me, deeper and deeper as he goes, and I feel just as wonderful. I waited for this to happen, for three years I waited for it, so I kiss him back, never wanting it to end. For the three years I spent loving him without even a trace of him, now, at the very moment when he held me in his arms, I promise myself, I will never, ever let him go, never again…

 

 

 

“Where are we going?” I ask as he drove through the main road with a smile on his face looking as though he’s gotten back something so important which he lost ages ago. He doesn’t give me a specific answer though, he just turns to me, and replies; “There’s someone who you should meet”

I smile and ook ahead, wondering who that must be. It just feels wonderful to be driving like this again, having him right by my side, just like the old ties, and  I truly do like the new change in him. Unlike how he was three years ago, he’s less serious, more carefree and fun loving and prefers to say all those nasty things to me, I know he doesn’t mean any of it, but to piss him off, I pretend to be annoyed. And I get this feeling that our relationship is going to be a lot better than it was before.

I turn to him with surprise when he suddenly stops by a road side gift shop which is still open for Christmas.

“O-di ga?”

He smiles and hops out of the car, and without a reply, he hurries off into the store. I await, my hands clasped together on my lap until he returns, and he does, a few minutes later with a massive carrier bag.

“What’s that?” I ask. He leans back and places the bag in the rear seat and turns to me. “Presents” He says and brings the car back to life.

I take a deep breath and stare out of the shutter.

In spite of the heavy snow, the whole city has now completely buried itself under the thick cloud of white snow. Celebrating the Christmas season, many children and young couples have gotten out into the road, enjoying themselves among the cold snow, and for a moment, I get my own desire to get out into the road and run through the snow. I restrain myself from my childish desires though. Spending time with Won Bin is a lot more better than playing like a kid in the snow.

It doesn’t take long for us to arrive by his gate, and as I live only a few blocks away now, its not very unfamiliar for me, the only thing I’m worried about is meeting his parents who, as far as I know, are not very much into me. Remembering the first and the last time I met teacher Oh Ji Won, I feel my Goosebumps rising under my coat. He was horrifying for me, and surely he won’t accept my arrival at his house hold.

The gate opens up, the skinny man I remember from three years ago welcomes us with a smile and Won Bin pulls in, ending up parking in a petit park lot where another car is parked in. Won Bin pulls out the key and lets out a sigh before turning to me.

“Come on”

I widen my eyes and touch his arm. “Wait a minute”

He turns to me, his brows lifted questioningly.

I retrieve my hand. “Well…are we…are we here to meet your…parents?”

Won Bin laughs and kisses me on my cheek. “Chill, Joonie…there’s nothing to be scared of…”

“But-,” I begin to argue, but immediately stop myself. Frankly there’s no point of arguing…

Won Bin takes the bag from the back seat and comes to me, he takes my hand.

“Come on…Lets go…”

The green lawn which I remembered from the past is completely covered in thick white snow, only the stone path is cleared out but yet its still wet and slippery of the snow crushed under boots. With a snow filled garden, the newly painted grand white house seems more than beautiful, only the petunias in the two massive pots which also I remember from the past are gone inspite of the winter. For a moment, I feel like I have entered a real, live snow palace. Won Bin never lets go on the grip around my wrist as we climbed the few stone steps up to the front door. He simply opens it up, without even bothering to knock, and we both walk in.

Inside its completely white. I now really feel like I have entered the snow palace. In spite of my first time entering his house, I look around the place with wonder. A few ladies walk by, giving us pleasant smiles, there are Christmas decorations on the walls and up the staircase, he leads me to the direction where many cheerful voices could be heard. And suddenly I hear the sewwt mellow sound of a crying baby.

A baby? How is it possible I’m hearing a baby crying in Won Bin’s house?

Won Bin leads me through the opened door, and soon we enter the living room of the house.

The living roo, just like the hall way of the house, is completely white with a glass coffee table and a white sofa in the middle, a rack of books on a side, massive French windows with white lace drapes and another cabinet of awards. What really catches my attention are those who are seated in the sofa. I never take my eyes off the,.

Won Bin’s family, his whole family seated in the room altogether, and in Yoo Bin noonas hand is a little baby.

Her attention taken away by our arrival, his mother looks up at us and smiles. “Won Bin~Ah…You came? And hello Lee Joone! After a long time!” Both Won Bin and I bow, I see his father looking up at us, and surprising me, he flashes us a smile. Yoo Bin unnie too, looks up at us with a smile.

Won Bin leads me to the empty seat of the sofa, next to Yoo Bin unnie.

Yoo Bin smiles and hands over her crying child to Won Bin. I watch the baby with wonder.

It’s a girl, a little baby girl with the exact resemblance of her mother, the same rosy lips, the same brown eyes and the same thick black hair yet simply beautiful. I watch her as she made sweet little laughters at what Won Bin is doing, I smile. Won Bin, just as I always thought, will mke a good daddy one day.

“Joonie…” He suddenly calls me, I turn to him with a smile. He keeps looking down at the girl.

“She’s who I wanted you to meet…”

“Really?” I ask, and he slowly hands her over to me. I hold her with care, and for my surprise, unlike I would have expected any baby girl to do, she doesn’t cry. Instead she tries to reach out to get hold of the fringes of my hair.

“I think she likes you…” Won Bin’s mother says, I look up and smile. For a moment, all the dark memories I had about his parents fade away. They have changed, a lot. It’s a good change, and somehow, I feel like I’m a part of them too.

“No wonder…” Won Bin comments, playing with the baby’s stubby hand. “When they both have so much in common…”

I look up at him in surprise. “Common…?”

He smiles and looks up at me. “I’m the one who named her…and I named her after you…”

I felt like my words are getting held up in my throat. He named his niece…after me?

“You…did?” I manage in a small voice. Its Yoo Bin unnie who replies. “He really wanted to, and it’s a really pretty name for a pretty girl…Won Bin’s practically her daddy now, while he’s away…”

I laugh and take her up and hold her against my shoulder, her cheek pressed against mine. “Won Bin has really grown up…”

The child begins to make small moans that I soon return her to her mother.

“There there sweetie…Don’t cry……ssh…”

Yoo Bin unnie gets up on her feet and turns to me. “I think she needs a nap…is it alright if I go?”

I shake my head with a smile. “Not at all unnie…wish her good night for me…”

She nods and smiles. “I will…”

I let out a sigh and watch her as she walked out of the room, and since I’m so engrossed in thinking about the little girl, it surprises me when Won Bin’s father’s voice sounds in the hall.

“We better have dinner now…” He says and walks to the door, inviting us to join in. I await for them to walk out, and sigh.

Without even my awareness, I let out my deepest desires. “I…want a baby too…”

Won Bin turns to me with surprise. “You do…?”

I widen my eyes, my face probably turning red and lower my head, and nod.

Won Bin laughs. “All those things that you want!”

I lift my head, annoyed. “And what else? I’m going to name him after you!”

I watch his face when the cheerful smirk disappeared, being replaced with something…tender and nice. Then he leans over and leaves a sweet peck on my lips, just as always melting my insides before he moved away, and whispers, being only inches away from me.

“That will be…impossible…Joonie…”

“Mwo?” I ask, not comprehending what he means.

He smiles and my cheek. “I…don’t really think that you can name him after his dad…”

I widen my eyes, all the blood in my brain rushing into my face. He has thought of us THAT far?

“y-y-yah…”

He smiles and moves away from me, then takes my hand. “Come on…we are late for dinner…”

I get up on my feet, and simply follow after him, but for a moment, I feel like I’m not in this world anymore…

 

 

 

Three years ago, he always, always family dinners and family night outs, for him, there was nothing so exciting about them, but after the accident,  everything in his family has changed. Now there’s nothing as exciting as much as his family being together. His father has changed, his mother has gotten out of her stressed out moods, and little Lee Joone has brought happiness among them, with his sister staying with them until her husband returns from the mandatory services, and he feels as though he’s spending the best years of his life.

And apparently his father has found Lee Joone pretty interesting.  Won Bin never thought they’d accept her three years ago, but now, that he has learned everything about the Kim’s and their plans, Won Bin has this slightest feeling his parents will make her to take the place that Hyun-A held in the past.

“So…Lee Joone…what courses are you taking at the college?” His father asks casually, while taking his dinner. Lee Joone who is seated next to Won Bin answers, wearing the most serious face ever.

“Human resources…That was what we were asked to study to continue my work as the band manager…teacher…”

His father nods, looking satisfied. “Do you find your job interesting?”

Lee Joone nods with pure confidence. “Very…It’s quite hard, being in the field, But I love it. I get to meet so many people, and I certainly enjoy it Teacher, so it doesn’t matter to me no matter how hard it is…”

His father widens his eyes with surprise and turns to his mother. “Won Bin certainly has found himself a very interesting girl friend!”

Won Bin smiles, seeing her smile and bowing at his parents unstoppably. Won Bin feels as though he has won the world. Lee Joone, only now after he got her back that it occurs to him that he has missed her so badly. Slowly, he moves his hand beneath the table and takes her hand in his. She too, slowly squeezes it, as if to say that she will never let him go.

Late that night, after dinner, Won Bin takes her up to his room.

“Why are we going to your room?” She asks, seeming quite panicked, but he replies only with a smile as he opens the door for her to enter, and just as he expected, Pelo turns up from nowhere and comes running to him, meowing as she does. Won Bin examines the surprise on Lee Joone’s face as he picked Pelo up in his hands.

“Is that…a cat…?” She finally asks, looking up at him with surprise. Won Bin nods. “My girl friend from the Netherlands…”

He just feels he can put it in that way, only that Lee Joone has always held the place in his heart.

“What’s her name?” She asks, moving her hand towards her, and quickly pulls it away as though she’s afraid of it. Won Bin smiles and holds the cat out to her.

“She’s Pelo…You can hold her…”

With much hesitation, she takes the cat in her hands. It’s such a pleasure for Won Bin to watch her excitement as she held the cat with as much as care as though she held a child.

“Oh! She’s so soft!” Lee Joone exclaims, running her slender fingers through her fur. And in a low voice, she adds. “Just like Won Bin…”

“Won Bin?” He exclaims with surprise. He never thought he was soft as a…cat?

Lee Joone smiles and hands the cat back to him. “You remember the stuffed kitty you gave me that day?”

Won Bin nods, remembering how tenderly she held it in her hands.

“I named it Won Bin, and spoke to him while you were away…”

“You did?” He asks with surprise, remembering what he did was quite similar. “I spoke to Pelo while I was in Netherlands, hoping it was you…”

The cat becomes impatient that Won Bin puts it down on the floor. She quickly ran out of the room, and Won Bin closes the door after her.

“You missed me that much?” Lee Joone asks as Won Bin leads her more into the room.

“A lot more than you know”

 

He opens the French windows of his room, and they both sit on the bed, staring into the sky out through the chilly winter breeze, Won Bin feels her cuddling against him. He kisses her slowly on her head.

“Why? Cold?” He asks. She nods. “But its fine…hold me…it will go away…”

Won Bin wraps his hands around her and holds her against his chest. “Better?”

She looks up and smiles. “Much better…”

It surprises him to know how much he has missed this warmth, these moments when he held her close and wished for the time to go slower. He can’t believe how he has made it through for three years without her. Three years? Now that he has gotten her back, he can’t imagine a second without her.

“Won Bin…?” She asks, after a while, in a small voice.

“oh?”

Lee Joone runs her fingers through his and held tightly onto his hand.

“Did you…ever try to move on…?” She asks, and she suddenly bringing this up surprises him. In fact, he never moved on, he never even gave any thoughts of doing it, by  the time he left her, Lee Joone was all that his heart was asking for.

But to be on the safe side, he lies. “Yeah…once…but it didn’t work…”

“Really?” She asks, looking up to face him, and she lets out a sigh. “That’s a relief…”

“What about you?” He asks, just out of his curiosity. She takes time to answer, as though she’s wondering if she should say it or not, then finally answers.

“I…tried too…that was Hong Gi…Jong Hun…isn’t the type, but even Hong Gi never worked out…”

She looks up, leans in and presses her cold lips against his, electrocuting him. “I just never wanted that place to be replaced…that corner of my heart is for you…”

Won Bin lifts his hand and her cheek. “Thank you…for keeping it out for me…no matter what, I will always take that special place in your heart…Lee Joone…”

She sighs and makes a smile. “Then tell me something nice…”

“Like what?” He asks, looking down into her eyes.

She makes a thoughtful face. “Something…that I would love to hear…”

“Saranghae…” Won Bin answers, without wasting a second to think. Lee Joone smiles. “What?”

“Saranghae…” Won Bin says again. Lee Joone still looks as though she couldn’t hear him. “What was that?”

“Sarang-,” Won Bin begins to repeat, and realizing what game she’s playing, he shakes his head. “Joonie neaul-,”

He doesn’t say anymore, but suddenly places his hands around her waist and pulls her into a passionate kiss. When she takes time to respond, Won Bin feels how surprised she is, but he doesn’t stop. He kisses her, deeper and deeper as he goes, until she responds him herself, he closes his eyes tight and explores her tenderly as he could. He slowly pulls away, and scorches his lips down her neck, placing sweet kisses on the graceful curve between her neck and her shoulder, her jaw line, gives the same treatment on her right and returns to her lips, finally pulling off with a long sigh, realizing that all the feelings he has been keeping stuck in side has simply poured out of himself. He looks up to meet her eyes filled with surprise, and place another slow peck on her lips and moves away with a smile.

 He intakes a deep breath, and finally speaks out something he really wanted her to know.

“Joonie…I’m debuting solo…”

“Mwo?” Lee Joone asks breathlessly, surprised to hear something of the such right after a passionate lock of lips.

”I decided to debut solo next year…”

Lee Joone widens her eyes and moves away, obvious excitement taking up her gorgeous features.

“You are? Omo! That’s great!”

Won Bin smiles. “Yeah, right? I’m so excited too…and we’ll be working under the same agency too!”

Lee Joone’s excitement gets even better. “Jinja? Won Bin! I’m so proud of you!”

Won Bin leans over and hugs her close. “I feel so great…” He whispers into her ear. “Everything has started working out great…”

Lee Joone nods against his chest. “Everything…and I’m so happy too…”

She suddenly moves back and looks up at him. “But…what about your parents…?”

Won Bin smiles. “They’re fine with it…”

She nods, and looks away with an expression of obvious curiosity clouding her face, then looks up at him.

“Your parents…they have changed a lot…” She then looks down at his hand holding hers. “And you too…I don’t know what it is…but…”

Won Bin smiles and lifts her face with his palms. “Well…some things in this world HAVE to change to make it better…Joonie…”

She makes a face. “But…Won Bin-,”

But he doesn’t let her speak anymore. Instead, he leans in and closes the gap between them, folding her into yet another sweet long kiss. He closes his eyes as he held her face in his hands, feeling her pulses against his palms, he can feel her curiosity still flying in the air between them, but he will never give in. The accident, his depression, they all will be hidden beneath the buried truths of his past, and he will never, ever let her know….

And so he lets the moment to go on…

 

 

The next year comes sooner than they expect, and Lee Joone sets out a date for the band and Won Bin to meet up. It surprises him when they accept him with such an affection, just like the old days, and even Hong Gi and the rapper boy welcomes him with a smile and gratitude, the news of him joining FNC as a trainee that year excites them, and even when he does, around a month later, they welcomed him with pleasure and helped him out with every way they could. He receives training as a solo artist under many competencies, with many difficulties since he’s alone most of the time, and as the first male artist to go solo from the company, he receives as much as attention and affection from the teachers and the directors. Along with all the work , training , college lectures, exams and short but sweet and lovable times spent with Lee Joone, eight months pass by faster than he knows.

Eight months later, he debuts solo under the FNC agency as the first male solo artist from the company with his first digital album with the title song ‘I love you and I love you’, a collaboration track  with another girl group artist Miryo. He gets even busier along with his debut, invites for many musical programs come in a row, he somehow works them out, and for his greatest surprise, he even ends up doing his stage performance twice with his ex, Hyun-A, it relieves him when she acts like a complete stranger to him.

A few days after his debut, he visits Taiwan, and performs at an FTISLAND concert, gaining many international fans, goes through a photo shoot, and his album earns millions to his agency, and a few more months, he gets to do his first acting debut as a sub actor, acting along with Song Se Hyun, Song Seung Hyun’s brother and two other members from CNBLUE and also the lead actress from the drama that Hong Gi acted in two years ago, although he’s not very good in acting, he tries his best. Afterwards he gets a chance to take part in a musical, ‘three musketeers’, afterwards getting a chance to take part in a sitcom drama where he has to act as a hopeless university student, he takes part in concerts with FTISLAND twice, all this, not once letting his work affect the unbreakable bond between Lee Joone and himself. No matter how much work they had to themselves, they will always, always find a moment to themselves, although they thought while working at the same company, finding time for themselves won’t be hard, it is harder than they thought.

Won Bin soon puts a pause on all his activities in Korea, finding it quite difficult for him there, and with quite a lot of arguments with Lee Joone, he begins his work in Japan and lets out his first Japanese single ‘Come on girl’ gaining much attention from his Japanese fans, then releases his next major album ‘to the star with a track composed by Jae Jin for him, afterwards releases another mini album a few months later, do his first concert, ‘REVENGE’ tour. He also takes part in one episode of a drama that Hong Gi plays the main roll in. Time goes by faster than he can catch up. Won Bin then begins to wish if he can set all his work away and spend all his time with Lee Joone, things begin to back fire on him.

But when their relationship seems to get on the edge, when Lee Joone becomes tired of all his work and him living most of his time in Japan than in Korea, she stops speaking to him, practically cutting off all the ways that he can keep in touch with him and hides away. Won Bin feels like going back in time and somehow making it all up to her, saying good bye to all his dreams, but now when he has no hope, he feels completely devastated. He asks out from all his work and spends half of his time at home, scribbling nonsense on papers and playing tuneless guitar chords, saying all his desperations to Pelo although what she understands is nil. A week or two passes by with no way to contact Lee Joone who is busy with FTISLAND and their comeback. That’s when it really hits him, a light bulb, a brainstorm, and the best way to get her back…FTISLAND’s comeback…

He soon pulls out a music sheet and a well sharpened pencil, and begins to write down. A smile spreads across his face, and he knows…he knows it that he’s somehow working it out.

 

 

I’m pissed off, seriously pissed off, I mean, work? Is that really the best excuse that he can ever come up with? I’m busy too! I’m a hell lot busier than he is. A hell lot more frustrated and simply sick than he is with all the work I have going on with the band, and whenever I try to find some time for our selves, busy. The best excuse that he can ever come up with. Then what do I have to say?

Muttering nonsense to myself, I grab all the project files and schedules all signed and confirmed from the director’s office and hurry down to my room. Even seeing the people passing by piss me off enough, at times, okay…mostly when they pass by giving me those half hearted smiles, I seriously feel like kicking up their arses, I mean, busy? Hell! What AM I THEN?

It has been six years since we started dating, we’ve broken up and gotten together enough times during those six years, but now, I just feel like making this permanent. I’m not, NOT speaking to that busy man again. Why would I? As it seems to me now, it has always seemed like he’s seconding me to his work. I’m really regretting it feeling so excited when he said he’s going solo. He should have stayed in Netherlands and done whatever he’s doing without coming here and playing with my feelings. Some busy man I love.

Cursing under my breath, I drop all my heavy files onto my desk and fall into my chair. Or maybe I should never have listened to him on the first place! Never joined the band, never supervised it…Hell! I shouldn’t have been born then!

But when I see the framed photograph placed on my table, I let out a sigh. With an inconvenient slight smile, I take it in my hand. It was a photograph which I took two years ago in Taiwan after his debut, we were on the beach, him holding me tight, we both are smiling so happily, soaked in sea water from head to toe under the warm sunlight…those days…even two years ago nothing was this so complicated.

 

I let out a long sigh, ignoring the tears welled up in my eyes and look up into the sky. I wish time never passed by. I wish we’re still eighteen and still an indie band…

And somehow…this is my entire fault…

I hop in surprise when my phone begins to ring on my table. I take it in my hand to see Hong Gi on the line.

“What?” I ask, sounding annoyed. He laughs from the other end; I can hear the others joining in.

“What is it? I don’t have time you idiot!” I yell. I feel my blood boiling in my face.

“Hey hey, chill Joonie! We have some problem with our tracks here…can you come around?” Hong Gi says, still in a voice which sounds as though he doesn’t even care. I frown at the table and sigh.

“What did you do now?”

Hong Gi’s voice suddenly sounds serious. “Just come around Joonie…”

I bite on my lower lip, taking my time to think and finally mutter.

“Okay, where are you?”

 

 

I take the lift to the fourth floor where our practice room is, where FTISLAND is supposed to be right now, and when the beep sounds from somewhere and when the iron doors parted, I hop out and hurry off to the direction of the room.

Passing by the room where Won Bin usually does his practising, I let out a sigh and pause before it. Speaking of him, I haven’t seen him for quite a while, the thought suddenly hits me hard. What if he’s taking my silent treatment bad? He’s not very steady…he has records of being a depression patient in the past after all.

I shake my head. No…maybe I should give it all a time. Everything and everyone needs time to settle out after all.

I push the door of the practice room hard and walk in, and then let out a loud gasp.

All five members of the group are seated in a line, their instruments in their hands, mikes set up before them, and more than that, the room is somewhat…decorated with lovey dovey garnishes.

I make a face. “What the hell? You guys having valentines in advance?”

Hong Gi smiles and shakes his head. “Aniya…we just…got a new song…we needed to try it out and show it to you…so we can add it to the album…”

I fold my hands on my chest. “Funny…you get songs right out of the blue?”

Jae Jin pushes a strand of his strange blond hair behind his ear and looks up. “Not really…we got it from someone…”

“And I recommend you have a listen…” Jong Hun adds.

I give a look at Minhwan who’s sitting in the middle with a minor set of drums before him. “And you are…?”

He smiles. “Singing…a collaboration act…”

I nod. “I see…let’s hear it then…”

It starts with Jong Hun’s low music with an acoustic guitar, the vocals begin with Minhwan. I give a close listen to the lyrics.

 

‘Now I confess my heart to you

 

Only heavens know my heart

At the thought of telling you the truth that I’ve kept so preciously’

 

And somehow, the lyrics got into me…

The next verse goes with Jong Hun.

‘I feel tears coming out

All the memories pass by me

 

Today wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you

The day we first met

I was awkward and young’

 

And slowly, things begin to occur to me….

I did meet someone…a young man…it was an awkward moment…being hit with a news paper…? Ripping the skirt before his eyes…why do the lines sound so…familiar…?

‘The times you waited for me

Just because I told you to trust me

 

At times, I hurt you with my mistakes

But you never once blame me

And you gave me strength, smiling, it’s okay, It’s okay’

 

 

Hong Gi sings the chorus, and slowly, things begin to fall into place. I waited…for three years I did…because I trusted him…because although he didn’t say it himself, he wanted me to…

He must have hurt me…he must have felt that he has…but never did I blame him…because I loved him…

And tears begin to well up in my eyes. What the hell am I doing? Who the hell am I fooling? Myself! I’m fooling myself!! He has been trying…he has been trying to tell me, but did I ever think of him? All I thought of was myself…I’m the biggest fool here…

‘Whenever I made you upset by saying I’m busy

you could have blamed me

But you believed in me, saying don’t worry, don’t worry

I selfishly hope

your heart will be the same forever

I will try my best everyday for you’

Then it really really hits me. It’s him…Won Bin…he has written a song for me, apologising for all he did…Why? Why can’t I see it myself? He’s trying! He has his own stress to go through? Why couldn’t I see before?

“Hold it right there…” I hear my voice saying, the music stops, and the guys look up. I take a deep breath and wipe off my tears. The boys don’t seem to notice.

“Who….who was it who gave you the song…?” I ask, through my tears. Hong Gi looks at the others, the others look at each other, and Hong Gi opens his mouth to speak. I stop him.

“Was it…was it Won Bin…who gave you this…?”

Hong Gi widens his eyes, and stares into me with surprise. I can practically read their lie in his face. I take a deep breath and try again.

“Was it…Won Bin…who wrote this song….?” I ask, and await for them to reply.

But it’s not Hong Gi who does.

“Six years….” I hear another voice from the doorway, and by the sound of it, I freeze to the spot, slightly trembling. I have to keep my silence, I have to keep it steady…

But in his presence, even staying alive seems impossible.

“Six years…and yet you take ages to realize, Lee Joone…you haven’t changed a bit…”

I hear the sound of boots hitting the granite floor, even the tone of him placing his feet, I know it just too well…

And when his presence is nearer, I lift my head, I see Hong Gi seated among the other’s, he gives me a cheerful smile, and nods. I can’t recall how I do it…but I too…nod back…

And turn around to face Won Bin, right in front of me, waiting for me, his hands buried in his pocket, a smile spread across his face, his thick dark hair fallen on his eyes….

He watches my face intently, his eyes bearing into mine and makes a step towards me.

“You haven’t changed a bit…Joonie…you haven’t changed a bit…”

And before even he can come to me, before even I can stop myself, I rush towards him, my whole body trembling with the anger I have against myself for being such an idiot and simply throw my hands around him and bury my face against his chest. I begin to cry.

“Mianne….mianne Won Bin~Ah….I’m such a stupid, stupid…idiot-,”

Won Bin places his palm against my cheek and lifts my face in his hand, bearing his eyes into mine and shakes his head. “Ssh….Joonie…You’re not….I’m sorry too…I couldn’t find any time too…”

 

I say nothing and stare into his wonderful brown eyes, and every time I get lost in those, I feel like I’m falling through time for six years, to the moment where we first met. These are the same brown eyes I remember from the past…the same brown eyes I loved….

But only the platinum shine seems clearer and clearer no matter how long I bear my eyes into his.

Won Bin then leans over and slowly presses his lips on mine for a slow peck and moves only seconds apart from me. “I love you…” He says in a low whisper. I smile. “And I love you more…”

Then he really begins to kiss me, folding me in his arms, pressing me tightly against himself, his lips subtly grazing on mine, exploring me like he always does with the same diligence he has given me for the past six years, and along with his slow kisses, I begin to feel the same feelings from the past, and I too, feel it that nothing has changed. Nothing has changed between us. Although it has been six years since met with an awkward incident, nothing has changed. We love each other, I love him, he loves me, and how we love each other, nothing has changed in it, we’re still the same, and so is our love…Our love is still the same, and also will remain the same for all the years to come.

And so I place my hands against his shoulders and kiss him back, he kisses me, deeper and yet more tenderly, and making it a lot better,  FTISLAND begins to play the song that he wrote to apologize me all from the beginning, their voices sounding so angel like in my ears, the lyrics roaming in my heart.

For a second or two, Won Bin’s lips part from mine, he watches my face breathlessly and mutters in a low whisper blending into the warm air between us.

“I confess to you…Lee Joone…I’m falling in love…once all over again…”

I smile and move up on my toes to his face, folding him into yet another long, blissful kiss…

And along with the band singing behind us, I let the time go on…..