It has been ages since I had lunch with my oppa, and today, after around a month or so, we’re here, sitting together, munching on a Dobu soup and well…again conversing about my love life. Although he hasn’t been involved in a relationship for a while, by his past experiences, he has a lot to advise me about. And yeah, he’s true. Whatever I do, I shouldn’t be negative. I mean, by the way he’s treating me now, there’s a possibility that there can be something! But then again, it’s a mere fairy-tale. A perfect prince loving a beautiful princes and an ugly small town girl waiting for him to look at her for just once, a fairy-tale which will only have one happy ending. But at least Won Bin will be happy when he gets her, and it will be enough of a reason to keep me happy.

“But does the guy who went out with you know?” Oppa asks after swallowing a mouthful of Dobu.

“Hong Gi?” I ask and nod. “Yeah…well, he’s the first one to got to know all about it…so does Jong Hun, the leader of the band…and Hong Gi was really sweet…he let me choose what I should do…I feel sorry for him…”

Oppa smiles. “Don’t be…I’m sure Won Bin will turn up one day…who can’t love a wonderful girl like you?”

I smile, feeling touched. No matter who really loves me or not, I’m pretty sure that oppa will always love me.

“Gomowo oppa…well…Won Bin has been pretty nice to me lately…but I don’t know…he’s really complicated…”

“Well, I don’t know about advising on guys, but I say, this is your life…don’t ever be unsure of it…”

I shake my head. “It’s not being unsure…I’m just-,” I start saying, but I’m interrupted by my phone ringing in my pocket. I excuse myself and pull it out. Seeing the name on the phone, I look up at oppa and smile. “Guess we have a lot of luck on him…”

He smiles. “You sure do….just pick it up!”

I nod and place the phone against my ear. “Nae?”

Won Bin’s voice sounds sweetly on the other end. “We have the semies today, remember?”

I nod. “Ara…when do I have to come? Usual time?”

He’s silent for a second, and answers. “A bit earlier is better…Around at two thirty? We’ll come and pick you up”

“Sure…I’ll be ready by then…is that all?”

“Yeah” He answers shortly. “Catch you later”

“Sure sure…bye then!” I say and soon the line goes dead. I sigh and turn to oppa. “I have to go a bit earlier…you coming today?”

He nods with a smile. “Of course I will…how can I miss my sister’s band’s win? And yeah…I have to have a good look on your love interest too…”

I smile widely, obviously running completely red. He’s seriously going way over this Won Bin thing!

So after a while, I find myself standing in the sidewalk, waiting for the jeep to turn up any minute. I’m feeling really light and pleasant though I know I must be feeling nervous or paranoid right now. Maybe I have all my trust on them. I know my boys will always make it through, and I know of no other band so perfect…well, FT FOUR comes after them, but I know, more than anything else that my band will do their best, so what reasons do I have to be paranoid anyway?

I look down at myself to see I look good enough to represent the treasure tonight, and tonight will be the first time that I will be up on stage as their supervisor so I have to look good. I’m in a simple gray and black dress, my hair undone, just the way they like it. My hand bag is hanging on my arm, and most importantly, the chain that Won Bin gave me is around my neck, which, as I think, matches me so perfectly well. And in addition to that, I’m highly expecting that tonight, he will finally do it…Won Bin will finally confess to her. Although the thought makes my heart swell, I feel so happy for him. I know how much he likes her. I’ve seen how beautifully he smiles whenever he’s talking about her, and if he finally gets a chance to own her, I will get to see that smile on his face every single day, and I’m sure I will be fine.

It’s about ten minutes later that the jeep turns up before me, I let out a long sigh and walk to the back door, but Jae Jin rolls down the shutter and says; “House full, go to the front seat”

I make a face. “I-gon-mo-ya?”

I see the front door opening by itself and hear Won Bin calling me. “Lee Joone, get in, we don’t have enough time”

I sigh and give Won Bin a good look before I climb into the front seat.

Beside me, looking as pleasant as never before is Won Bin, and it surprises me to see him this way. I don’t know…it’s like he’s…shining, so happy and cheerful in a way that I have never seen in him before. He doesn’t smile very often, even if he does, it will be slight, almost nothing, but now, he’s driving with the biggest smile ever plastered across his face…

And only then it occurs to me…maybe she’s coming…the girl…and maybe he will be confessing to her…a moment that I’ve been willing to encounter for days…

I know it will really hurt me though, seeing my biggest love going for somebody else, him offering that wonderful smile to her every single minute they spend together…but no matter how much I wish for it to be mine, how can I ever change things from how they are? I can convince myself of what oppa said and pretend that everything’s alright, but I can’t lie to my fate right? If we were fated to not to be together, if my fate is to only love him from a far, never having him being mine, what point is there to lie to myself? It’s not like things will ever change even if I do…

“So you guys ready?” I ask, turning around as Won Bin drives through the Seoul roads. All the guys being squeezed into the back has made a complete fiasco, and unlike what I expect, none of them looks nervous and paranoid as much as I am, but as though they have been given some kind of a booster that they keep on playing around like a pack of kids.

Gosh! Something has seriously gone wrong while I was gone, I mean, isn’t this enough of a moment to be paranoid? This is the semi-final round of the competition for heaven’s sake!

Jae Jin stops laughing, probably surprised by my cold glare and looks up at me.

“Nae? Noona?” He asks. I shake my head, frustrated. “Seems like you guys have had a good time without me…great, I’m so glad…”

“Yeah, you bet!” Jae Jin says and lets out an annoying laughter. I roll my eyes, turn back and watch nothing but the road. I remain silent, feeling happy underneath to hear their happy laughter after a long time. Maybe they’re so sure that they will get through tonight, and it’s really good, I mean, feeling confident about how much they can do, there’s nothing more that I actually expect from them.

It’s a moment later that Won Bin speaks to me, it kind of surprises me since it has been two days since we last spoke to each other in person, and also because this is the first time that I’m actually speaking to this new, wonderful, happy and lovable Won Bin.

“So your oppa is home now?” He asks, and even his voice sounds different…so gentle…and makes me wonder…what could possibly happen for him to change so instantly…

…it’s her…something must have happened while I’m gone…

But instead of letting anything show, I smile and nod. “Nae…he’s feeling a lot better now…and he said he will be coming tonight!”

Won Bin smiles. “Is that so? That’s great…maybe I will get a chance to meet him…”

I nod. “He wants to…He says he couldn’t even thank you…”

He shakes his head, his bright eyes focused only on the road ahead. “Ani…gwenchana…I was just being…a good friend…”

I nod with a smile, but say nothing. I don’t know why I’m even trying to convince myself, I mean; isn’t it so obvious that he has absolutely no feelings towards me rather than having only a mere friendship between us?

It doesn’t take us long to arrive at the Dome art hall where the BOTBs are usually held, and today, although we have arrived earlier than we usually do, the place is completely crowded with an uncountable number of people who, as I assumed, fans of the four bands who are performing tonight. And what which makes me really happy is to know that one fourth of the crowd there must be fans of the treasure, maybe more, and I’m proud of it that I have the confidence to be so sure that half of the girls are here to see my boys singing tonight.

Just as usual, I lead my boys to their suite, where I order them to dress up for the first round tonight, and unlike all the other days, they’re not already dressed for the concert but has brought cloths so that they can change their appearances from one track to the other. Then I set off to do my usual errands. When I return to the suite, feeling practically dead after running all over the place, the make-up unnies are already there, doing the make-up of the last boy of the line Minhwan, and all the others are ready, already seated in the sofa, still not done with their laughing. I wanted to dress them all up alike, and now seeing them that way…

…gosh! I’ve never thought that they could be so hot, dressed alike!

They’re all in simple white shirts with loosened ties, topped with different coloured coats with sleeves rolled up, I feel more than just satisfied. Oh how wonderful they can be!

When all of them are done, I make them stand in a line and start speaking.

“Okay, pirates, now we’ll be the intro act for tonight, and what will we be starting with?”

“Meeting” Jong Hun gives a simple answer, and I nod. “Fabulous! And aren’t we glad we’re the intro act? We’ll show the massive audience out there what music really means…are we ready pirates!?!”

“Nae!!” Minhwan and Jae Jin yell together, and my confidence and trust on them grows even stronger.

“Are we going to win tonight!?!” I yell back, and happen to get the same answer. I smile wider, happening to actually enjoy it and go for my last one. “Can your noonas trust you on this?!?”

And the last yell I get makes my heart somersault. Seeing them, I see it that I can always trust them. Although I don’t see it enough so since I’ve seen it many times, the talents of my boys are immense, almost incomparable, they have the confidence, courage, trust, belief, they know they can win, and they have enough of courage to do so. What reasons do I have to be nervous after all?

After speaking them out, I leave them to complete the errands I have left to do. And when I feel like I’m done, I decide t have a little visit to the suite of FT FOUR.

It has been long since I last spoke to Hong Gi at the surprise they had planned for me on my birthday, and after what happened that night, I’ve been feeling so guilty that I couldn’t figure out a way that I could actually face him again. I know that he has let me go so that I can love anyone of my desires, but after having him confessing his love to me, I can imagine how devastated he must be feeling right now to know that I can’t accept him. I feel like a complete loser whenever I end up thinking back to that night. I’m such a fool, I mean, I’m completely aware that Won Bin’s heart and soul is out for somebody else, I even help him out to win his love whereas he’s not being of any help whatsoever to win mine, who’s apparently him, and I push the man who really loves me, aside and wait for million years until Won Bin will finally look at me, which is so unlikely to happen. And now only I know…I’m such a failure, I’m such a loser when it comes to love.

I take a deep breath before I slightly knock on the suite 14 H and stand back, waiting for the door to open up. Few seconds later I hear footsteps and yelling from the inside, and soon the door flies open.

“Joonie noona!” comes Seung Hyun’s voice so loudly and without even asking me, he simply drags me inside and closes the door behind me.

FT FOUR, as the agenda for the tonight’s show read, is up to go after ours so they are also ready and are scattered around, engaged in their own work. As soon as Hong Gi sees me, he gets up on his feet, his eyes glittering brightly and approaches me.

“Joonie! After a long time! What brings you here?”

I smile. “What else? I wanted to see you guys and wish you good luck! I bring good luck for you don’t I?”

Hong Gi nods. “Yup! And I was actually thinking of going out to meet you myself. Good thing you turned up!”

“Well…I needed to see if you’re doing alright…” I say and trail off, feeling that it isn’t a good thing to bring it up again, but he responds to me with a sincere smile.

“Ani, nareul gwenchana! So, did you do the croco laugh yet?”

I chuckle and shake my head. “Andwae! He still likes her, and I’m not interrupting him…”

He reaches out and slightly hits on my head. “Pabo! If he doesn’t like you, he’s an even more of a pabo!”

I shake my head. “We’re good friends though…that’s good comparing to how it was before…”

But Hong Gi sighs. “But I want you guys to get together! That’s not fair! You want me to get involved?”

I widen my eyes and shake my head. “Andwae! I’m alright! We’re close enough so, gwenchana!”

Hong Gi smiles and punches on my arm. “Then you will have to do the croco laugh and call him a loser, and that I will get involved in…remember to not to eat anything before then!”

I hit him back. “I won’t do it even if I had to!” And I look down at my watch. “Gosh! I gotta go…my boys must be going nuts over there! Shall I?”

Hong Gi nods. “Yeah sure sure! Good luck! Fighting!!”

I clench my fist and hold up in the air. “Fighting!”

And soon I find myself running down the corridor through the crowd and soon end up before the suite, and luckily I have made it in time. And soon I open the door in a flash and begin to drag out the boys out into the corridor.

“Okay now I’m sure Jong Hun, Jae Jin and Minhwan will do just fine, but Won Bin…you’re over it right?” I ask as Ha Ra stands beside me. Won Bin nods and smiles, making relief sweep through me.

“I’m alright” He assures me. I nod. And we all get into a circle and put our hands on top of each other’s.

“Hana…tool…seh…FIGHTING!!!” We yell and raise our hands in the air and, gaining the attention of those who are around us and soon I find myself rushing down the corridor with my boys plus a few of the staff. There’s only about ten minutes before the show starts with the intro performance by the Treasure, and well, it’s enough of time to get them ready for the stage, and so I push the guys along until we’re finally in the very busy backstage.

The staff people who have been waiting for our arrival swiftly starts to attach the earphones on the guys and also on me with a small mike on it through which I can communicate with my guys and the make-up girls redo the guys make up before sending us off to the entrance to the stage. We all stand still, waiting for the second call until the lights on the audience goes off, and as we does, Won Bin suddenly makes his way through the others towards me, looking panicked.

And it scares me.

“Wae? Won Bin-ah? Naeul gwenchana?”

Won Bin shakes his head. “Lee Joone…I…I’ve got a problem here…”

I widen my eyes, horror strucks to me like a lightening in the storm as I take his hand in mine. “What is it? Tell me, I’ll see if I can settle it…”

Won Bin lets out a long breath and looks into my eyes. “The judge board…there’s my…father…in it…”

I feel my heart coming up to my throat. I know how scared he is of his father, and I know how much his father hates his kind of music…how can he play in front of him, aware that he’s there before him…even I will be completely horrified!

And apparently Won Bin is too…

“Look…” I say, ignoring my trembling voice and lower the mike which is before my lips. “Just do your best and show it to him that THIS is what you’re best at…it’s what he wants to witness, to see if you have the confidence to perform, to show your talents even before him…so don’t worry…perform while putting in all the strength you have got and do your best…I know you can…”

He shakes his head. “No, Lee Joone….he’s not here for any good…”

I shake my head even more. “No no! Won Bin! Don’t be like that! Listen to me!”

He widens his eyes and looks into mine. I stare into them, trying my best to not get lost in them, and whisper, not letting my feelings overwhelm me.

“This is your life, Won Bin…no matter what happens, no matter whoever who tries to take it up from you, it’s you who owns it…You need to have the strength to control it on your own…you shouldn’t be like this….you hear me? You should be stronger…think of it as just another challenge in your life, and do your best…everything’s gonna be alright…”

Won Bin stares at me for a while and shakes his head. “Lee Joone, it’s not going to work-,”

But I don’t let him speak. This is not the moment for it, he can’t back away. He must be stronger and be sure of what he’s doing, not letting anything else control him…and although he doesn’t know…he’s the one I love, and I will never let him do this to himself.

So before anything could stop me, I press a hand on his cheek and lean closer to him. He blinks at me with confusion and slowly I place a kiss on the soft skin on his cheek. I step back, feeling satisfied, and smile.

“And also remember, I’ll be out there, giving you my fullest support, and also many fans who are waiting for you with many expectations…don’t let any of it fall apart…there are many out there wanting to see your success, so prove it that you can…”

He stares at me, still looking confused, and making relief sweep through me, he nods and slightly smiles. I see him opening his mouth to say something but he stops when the first call comes in my ear.

“3224 treasure? Be ready…”

I nod and look at the others and back at Won Bin. “We got the first call…you okay?”

Won Bin nods. I reach out and squeeze his arm before I walk to the others. “Boys, the first call came…ready?”

The guys nod urgently. I nod back and walk to check on each and every one of them as the stuff people check on the sound devices. And soon, I get the second call. My insides run cold.

“Pirates, on to the stage….” I say and send them through one after the other and hide myself in the darkness as the crowd of nearly five hundred people start to cheer. I close my eyes and listen to the cheering crowd, feeling so proud underneath, and more than anything else, I know that Won Bin is going to blow his father away.

Before the song begins, I soon hurry my way through the crowd to my usual seat and find Ha Ra already seated in the corner. I take the seat next to hers and look up at the stage, again trying my best to ignore my arousing feelings, seeing my boys so handsome up on the stage. And as always, they sound perfect, the intro, they have practiced so well without me, and gradually they move onto the song.

And it’s more beautiful than I remember hearing it over the phone.

‘In the evening clear sky with shine lights that rise up and fall like soft waves
I had seen you crying with the bits from your heart…’

And just as I expect it, the words come out and simply touch the deepest point of my heart, transferring his feelings into me. I gulp hard and close my eyes, letting the music and his soft, wonderful voice take over me.

‘How are you now? Are you really happy like this?
The secret yearning that I've been hiding is spilling out through with my young tears
is it still time? For your return
and if I wait just few more days, will you come back to me?’

I truly believe in that promise that you've did to me saying that you'll come back to me
Is it still time? For your back
And it's all about that time when you came
Please, I beg you, don't be too late to return
We don't have much time to feel our love’

The feeling that he’s giving me is wonderful, so true…I can almost feel the yearning of his for a love he has lost, and feel my own feelings that I have towards the love that I don’t receive…but at this very moment, I don’t care. I won’t wait for him to give his unwilling love for me, I won’t force him to love me if he couldn’t but watch him, watch his happiness and success from a far, just the way I’m doing it right at this moment, and everything will be alright.

As his hand begins to run against the iron strings of his guitar, my eyes shoots open and watches nothing but how his slender hands move so professionally and casually, showing nothing but his confidence in playing it, and the sight of him makes me feel so incredibly proud. Just a few minutes ago, he was so worried to perform before his father, but right now, he perfectly does it, shows his arrogance, shows his confidence and I’m sure his father must be so completely surprised to see his magnificent talents. And what makes it more beautiful is the talents that the other boys show, all three of them does so beautifully, with no flaws, and together, the song comes out, and soon ands, leaving tears in my eyes.

When it’s over, the whole audience yells out with pleasure after seeing their favourite group playing so beautifully before their very eyes. I glance up at Won Bin who doesn’t seem to mind his father’s presence but offers his beautiful smile to those who love him and the four members stands in a line before the judge panel to hear what their flaws were.

My heart begins to beat madly as my eyes remain steadily focused only on Won Bin who’s showing his obvious fear as his eyes watched nothing else but his father, anticipating whatever the comment he has to give, although it isn’t his chance yet to comment, but I understand how the state of his mind must be at this very moment. The answer of his ignorant, anti-rock fan could be anything but good.

The first of the judge board, the leader of a long-time kpop group happens to give us a very heartening comment of the vocals being very strong that the feelings of a man earning for a long lost love perfectly gets transferred to the audience, and hearing this, I practically hop off my seat and hug Ha Ra, since I can’t hug Won Bin at this very moment. My heart beats harder when he gives out the points…let it be good…let it be positive…

The massive screen behind my boys shows an equally massive 10 and I feel like flying over to the stage. What else could this mean? Only that we’re on the edge of winning!

The chance to comment passes to the next in the board, leaving nobody left before its teacher oh Ji Won’s chance. The next to comment is a lady who is actually more into louder music and who has a completely different taste when it comes to singing. I take a deep breath and watch how beautifully they all glow standing out in the white light on the stage, and obviously, the comment that she will give is positive since she has been a massive fan of the Treasure ever since they came in, which is actually the beginning of the competition so I take this moment to admire my boys on the stage, and let out a long sigh, without giving much attention to what she’s saying. The points that we get from her are 10, just as I expected it.

And as the chance passes to Won Bin’s father, my whole body runs cold, as though the horrified look on Won Bin’s pale face is being transferred to me as we both anticipated for his respond. Won Bin’s face is white as chalk and his eyes never seems to move which is making it so obvious to anybody who’re aware of the unexpected replacement of the judge board. It has been unexpected to Won Bin indeed; he looks as though he will faint the next minute!

The whole place sinks in utter silence, all those who are in the hall are waiting for the response that the next and the last member of the judge board is about to give, and while so, my breath gets stuck in my throat. If this goes bad, Won Bin will faint up there on the stage. His dad is giving him too much of pressure. I wish I can be up there and comfort him. The chalky whiteness of his face, it just worries me so much…

And so, after a while of waiting, the anticipated answer comes, making my heart get stuck on stop beating in my throat.

“Its…quit good…comparatively…” He comments casually, and I see blood slowly coming into Won Bin’s face. Gradually bringing him back to his normal self from the moments of zombification he had just seconds ago. His father continues to speak. “It’s far more superior than what I expected…the music is soothing…the vocals is strong…quit good for immature musicians…”

And surprising all of us and surely also those who are quit or more aware of teacher Oh Ji Won’s high and mighty altitudes, on the massive screen on the back appears a satisfying answer of seven points, and with this, Won Bin’s smile returns completely onto his face, and I…begin to feel tears in my eyes. It’s so good to see him smiling this way, especially for something which apparently involves his father, whom he hates to have involved in his happiness. It’s as though I’m seeing a very rare flower being bloomed before my eyes, and the happiness it brings me is undesirable. No wonder I’m practically crying here!

Without wasting any more time, I take Ha Ra’s hand and begin to hurry through the crowd towards the suite, not really caring for who I’m hurting during the process. My happiness at this very moment is unexplainable, crazy, even. It’s not them winning which makes me so happy, but how Won Bin faced his father and performed before him with such a confidence. I already knew it that my band will always make it through, their talent is inexplicable, and that’s not something that only I personally believe but half of the audience and all of their fans know. But Won Bin and his confidence before the very person he fears the most is something I don’t get to see, and also something that makes me so happy and proud inside. He’s my first and real love after all!

When we’re right before the suite door, we don’t really bother to knock and walk in but simply barge inside, surprising all those who are inside, probably celebrating their victory on their own. And we happen to find inside a complete fiasco.

Before even I could have asked them to, all of them have thrown their coats aside and are laughing and yelling around nonchalantly as though their work for the day are over. I don’t make much fuss over their change of clothes since they have to do it anyway for the next round but join the celebration. The first person that I walk to happens to be Won Bin, and before even I can recall what’s happening, I throw both my hands around him, standing up practically off the ground on my toes and hug him close.

For a moment we’re both silent, and it’s a moment later, when I realize that Won Bin’s hands are not even touching me, that it occurs to me that what I’m doing is completely irrational. Blood descends from my brain into my face as I step back, not daring to look into his face. Gosh! I’m practically giving it away! I should stay away, otherwise he will think I’m trying to push away his feelings towards his girl aside and trying to replace her with myself. Although I wish to god that I could, I will never do so. His love, it’s sincere and pure. And I will never mine towards him ever disturb the diligence of it.

So I walk to the others and wish I can make myself disappear among them. How can I be this so irresponsible! I’m supposed to help him win it, not to show that I wish I can replace her!

And when the celebrating is over, I start my yelling all over again.

“Pirates get ready for the second round will you!!? Enough playing around!”

I’m sure I will lose my voice after this. I mean, these boys don’t even seem to hear me!

“PIRATES!!! WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!!!” I yell as hard as I can, and drop my shoulders with satisfaction when finally I gain their attention.

“Now get changed fast, I give all of you two minutes until I find a make-up noona, arachchi?”

Jae Jin makes a face. “You can’t find her in two minutes noona,” He comments. I give him a mocking smile. “Try me smarty pants. Now get going, go GO!”

And with that I hurry out into the crowded corridor. It’s impossible for me to see who’s who while making my way through the crowd that it takes longer than I expect to find a pair of make-up girls who were hurrying out of one of the suits and not wanting to fail the challenge I made to the guys, I start dragging them towards our suite, and without thinking much, I barge in.

And stop dead.

I feel like I’m about to faint…and die.

In the suite, exposed to my eyes are a pack of guys changing into their shirts, and almost all of them are without any shirts. I have seen it many times since I’m so close to my brother, but this…

…I’m seeing my pirates…and Won Bin…

As soon as I barge in with the two make up girls behind me and stop dead, my eyes practically melting in my sockets, Minan happens to cover himself with whatever which he finds and they all looks at me as though I’m doing the biggest crime ever. But I can’t move. How can I?

I simply cover my mouth and hurry out of the door, dragging the girls along with me.

“I guess they’re not ready yet…” says one of the make-up girls. I gulp hard and look at her. She gives me a slight smile. “No, that’s okay, not very surprising…we have been through this a few times…”

I nod, still feeling uneasy. I have gone through such moments too, but never expected to see this! Maybe because it’s too sudden that it’s still making me feel so feverish.

“Anyway…shall we go to the next suit and come? We’ll come back soon”

I nod again, and soon I find myself watching as the two girls enter the suite before ours. But I still don’t feel like walking in. I mean…okay, I didn’t look at any of them…not exactly…not at least at Won Bin…though I had a teeny tiny glimpse of him…almost nothing…not as much as Jong Hun…

But then again…what are they doing, not using the changing room? And…where the hell is Ha Ra?

God! Ha Ra! I left her in the suite!

I stand still, not knowing what I shall do next, and that’s when the door opens and Jae Jin sticks out his head.

“Coming?”

I nod, feeling my blood draining from my face and slowly walk in to find them all now in their T-shirts and coats. I let out a long sigh. At least they’re fully dressed…

“Where are the noona’s?” Jong Hun asks, rolling up his sleeves. I shake my head and finally find my words. “They went to the other suit, they’ll come soon…” I gulp and ask. “But what were you doing…just…then? Where’s…Ha Ra?”

Minhwan points at the changing room. “She’s inside, changing…I guess…”

I widen my eyes. “Changing?”

Jae Jin nods. “She said she wanted to, since we all are getting up on the stage…”

I sigh and shake my head. She’s just so completely nuts! She’s not going up on stage even!

Suddenly the door opens and the two make-up girls walks in.

“3224 treasure?”

 

 

I sigh in relief as I and Ha Ra take our seats for the second time of the day, the mere fact that it’s the last performance of the Treasure for today, occurring to me. The four of them look as beautiful as ever, shining in the dim light of the stage, smiling as ever before and the sight simply makes me feel so proud. They’re my boys after all…

The cheerful music of the song starts blasting in the hall and the audience begins to cheer along with it. But I personally think it’s me who’s feeling the happiest since right now, I’m seeing Won Bin singing so happily, matching the tune and its words. He has gotten rid of the paranoia completely now, and as much as it showed during the first performance, his cheerfulness shows it that he’s paranoid anymore. I feel like flying. My crush, my love…he’s happy and nothing else matters.

At the end of the song, the response that the crowd gives is ear pitching, and it makes me feel stronger underneath. For a moment, I’m almost so sure. We’re going to win, and we will…

…and it doesn’t surprise me when the thought sticks to me like an eternal flame even while we’re up on the stage, waiting for the votes to be read. This is the kind of a moment that I must be trembling, unstably breathing and practically dying, but it surprises me when I don’t. Instead, I feel so strong, so sure and certain of our winning. The band just did so well, they’re beautiful and multitalented at the same time, they’re confident, they are steady and are capable of facing anything just how I witnessed Won Bin doing. Don’t I just have every reason to be so sure?

On the either sides of us are FT FOUR and another band by the name of CN BLUE who happens to be the only group who has gone further than us only by one point and also they’re the only barrier we have against making it to the crown. But I’m sure we can make it through…
Next to them are a Japanese-Korean mixed band called One-OK-Rock, against which my boys have something which even I can’t recall myself.

And soon, the two hosts arrive. Thus the reading of the results begins.

The voting is gone on five competencies. Singing, Lyrics and composition, stage performance, music and BOTB votes which are the votes given by the international and online fans over the net, The group who gets the biggest count in all five competencies will become the best performance of the day and will easily make it to the next round, in this case, the finals. And the rest will be picked accordingly. The group which receives the lowest amount of votes will sadly leave the contest.

The votes on each competency appears on the screen, one by one, and with a heart beating hard in my throat, I begin to do the math.

“Vocals…TREASURE 6547 votes…”

That’s 6547…

“Lyrics and composition…TREASURE 4533 votes…”

That makes the count…11080…still not up enough to pass CNBLUE…

“Performance…TREASURE…5521 votes”

16601 votes…still not enough…two more to go…come on, we can do it…

“Music…TREASURE 4085 votes…”

20686 votes…one more to go…

And I don’t think much when I feel sudden warmth in my hand. My mind is fully engrossed in doing the math in my head…

“And then the BOTB votes…”

And the rest, I can’t recall.

It’s as though it has been planned, as thought we were waiting for it but frankly I can’t figure out whether it is or not at this very moment because all I can do now is feel it, feeling my heart being about to explode in my chest. It’s not sorrow, or anger…it’s a feeling that I can’t recall…
Yes…it’s the edge of my mere happiness. Although I had all my certainties, I was not certain that they were certain either. Although I kept on uttering giddy prayers under my breath, I didn’t think that they will actually be of use. But now, as we stood here, having confetti raining above us, hearing nothing but the ear-pitching cheers of the crowd, I make all of it certain, because we have won. The treasure has made it to the finals and also the Treasure became the best performance of the day, the Treasure, once again, has brought tears to my eyes.

Without thinking anymore, I start hopping up and down, beginning to realize that my happiness has gone so far up to the state where I’m aware of what I’m actually doing. I’m being held hands by two people on my either sides, but I don’t know who they are. I’m just happy, and that’s all I know.

I’m not stopping even when we walk back to the suite, feeling nothing but hyperactive. When we are all inside the suite, re-enter it, feeling completely different from how we were when we last left it. We all start screaming and yelling than ever before. I knew all my hard work for them will be of worth, because with or without me, they always did the best. Inside the suite, it’s like the independence day, no one is NOT contributing to the craziness, each and every one of us play a part in it, and after a while, it’s all gone, and all are all around the place. Jae Jin and Jong Hun, just as they did the last time we got the best performance award, left with the massive glass structure so that it can be taken to the Lee house hold afterwards leaving Won Bin, me, Ha Ra and Minhwan in the suite.

But unlike any other day, all those who are left inside get together in the process of cleaning, and the truth is, it really is entertaining. Especially given that I’m with Won Bin who is an outrageous anti fan of the MinRa couple who is more flirting and less working at the moment.

I can’t help laughing when Won Bin keeps on giving weird remarks on the couple. But seriously! When it comes to dating, what really matters is love right?
But frankly, Won Bin doesn’t seem to understand.

“I’m not going to stay here if this goes any longer…” He mutters, zipping up a coat cover with his well experienced hands. “It’s like we’re in the middle of a movie filming!”

“Relax” I say, folding the shirts before it goes into the bag to the dry cleaners. “It’s just talking, nothing more…”

Won Bin hangs another coat covered in a suede bag in the cupboard. “How can he be so soapy? I never understand this nonsense…”

I try my best to hide my laughter. He has a girlfriend but he doesn’t even understand why these things are this way?
I can perfectly understand where his relationship is going. I wish the girl he likes will understand why he’s so boring when they begin to date one day.

“Won Bin…” I say in a low voice. “Just let them be and imagine they’re not here…”

“I can, if-,” Won Bin begins. But stops in the middle and widen his eyes. I lift my head from what I’m doing and follow his gaze.

Minhwan and Ha Ra are in quit an argument.

“But you said it’s fine for you guys to change here! Plus you SAID it takes time to take chances! That’s why I did it!” Ha Ra says, her eyes filled with a soft fire, which means nothing but immature love.

“I did say, but we made Joonie noona upset! And the other two! They must have thought we were crazy!”

I slyly look at Won Bin, and he too, glances down at me. Soon we both turn back to the conversation.

“I said I’m sorry Minhwannie! I couldn’t help it!” Ha Ra moans, and Won Bin’s right, it’s simply so unbearable.

“You said that already Ha Ra noona! What I’m saying is you didn’t even have to change!”

Ha Ra says nothing and looks at Minhwan longingly. “You’d rather if I look ugly?”

I feel like I’m about to get into the core. I’m not hearing this…I’m so SO NOT…

There’s an awkward silence between them, which is also a silence between us as we look at each other. And then I hear Minhwan muttering. “No, you always look pretty to me…”

I see Won Bin press his lips together and he runs as red as a berry as he holds back his laughter, which is practically making me laugh.

But it hits us both when suddenly Minhwan hops up and begins to kiss Ha Ra so passionately.

Now I really want to be through the floor. I really REALLY want to! How can I sit here and watch this nonsense? But when I’m about to turn around and leave, I get a sudden glimpse of Won Bin watching me so strangely, and I stop in the middle. But no matter how much I stare into him, I can’t recall what he means. It has been long since it occurred to me that Won Bin’s eyes are so strangely brown, light brown more likely when it’s exposed to the light, with a hint of silver or platinum, he has the most flawless creamy white skin ever and a pair of rosy lips at which normal girls will stare at all day long. It has been long since I learned to read many of the expressions that the smooth lines on his skin make, and every time I do it, I enjoy it. But what I learned the most is that not all of his expressions can be read, and this is just one of it.

And it probably doesn’t mean anything since what he actually says is;

“You spoke to them?”

I nod, feeling my heart beat going down. “Yeah…to the both of them…I have always been against dating younger boys…”

Won Bin makes a face. “But you haven’t done much good that it seems”

I sigh and look at the couple who has still not broken off their passionate lock of lips. It makes me feel so strange to see Ha Ra kissing someone…she’s like a sister to me…and also, Minhwan…he still seems so younger in my eyes…

But seeing how much they’re involved in it, how true the connection between them seems, and how much Ha Ra trusts him which shows by the way they hold each other, only one single thought occurs to me…

I sigh hard and slightly smile, feeling Won Bin’s eyes behind me. I mutter so that it’s loud enough for Won Bin to hear.

“Maybe there’s no limit when you love…no limit at all…”

Won Bin says nothing, but remains the same. I feel down by the reaction. Maybe I have limits…when it comes to me loving Won Bin; I might have limits to it…

But a moment later, he answers, making my heart fly although it makes no sense to me after all.

He sounds closer, so close to me, and so he mutters in a deep low voice, almost a whisper.

“No…it has not…and that’s why I love her…”

 

 

 

Although she doesn’t know, now he has every reason to love her, every single one of them and the limits, barriers, whatever, they never concern him. He knows, for her that age barrier matters, so what? She loves him, and now he’s making sure it is true. Otherwise he has no desire whatsoever to go on loving a girl of her imagination for this so long, and yes. It seems to work. Now that he know what is known to be the truth, whatever she does involving him add some sense to it, which is actually good. Now he feels he has not much to go, only that he’s confused, he doesn’t know where to start.

All the way home, his mind runs all over the place, his odd smile never seems to leave his face. It’s now only that he’s seeing it that what she has been doing all these days had been for the feelings that she had for him, and he feels like a fool. She has been right; he really is a pabo that he couldn’t sense any of it before.

It’s a good thing that he’s all by himself, or else if she or anybody else was in the jeep with him, they’d think he’s not right in his head. But fortunately he had to leave on his own since he was asked to, by his sister earlier. He wanted to take Lee Joone along but she wasn’t going to come all along, she was off with her brother. Won Bin met him after the show for the first time, and just as he expected it, he was of the kind that he’d immediately like. And he did. Lee Joone’s brother, very unlike her had a height that he didn’t expect, and beside him, Lee Joone was like a tiny china doll in his eyes. But they both had the same smile, the same pair of big, shining eyes and by the simple words he said, Won Bin caught his communicative talent, and surely he must have the same ability to convince people, and it made him wonder how two siblings can hold the same features, how wonderful it could be…

By the time he arrives before his house, he sees his sister’s car pulling into the lot. The house is still busy with more and more people running in and out, the sight of it gives him headaches, Oh how complicated marrying is! And how many people have to put effort into it! And apparently, having him skipping the fun of victory his fellow band members are having at the moment, his taking a part of it too.

He hops out with his guitar hanging on his arm and soon walks to his sister who is in pulling out massive duffel bags from the back seat.

“Can you give me some help here sweetie?” Yoo Bin says as she takes one of the bags in her hand, nearly falling on her back. Won Bin arranges the strap of his guitar bag on his shoulder and pulls another one out. His eyes go up, surprised by the weight of it.

“God! What are in there? People?!?”

His sister makes a fake laughter. “You bet! They’re my stuff…the Hangbok, jewellery, shoes…”

Won Bin straightens up. “Weddings are so complicated…”

Yoo Bin smiles. “Well, you’d have to go through it one day too…”

Won Bin doesn’t answer but smile, and it keeps on sticking to him all the way to the house after her, but his mind is still thinking of what she just said. Weddings have never concerned him before, like he always thought, it was his way to a miserable life with Hyun-A, but now that he and Lee Joone share the same feelings among them, it just makes him think that there’s a possibility that things can change. But only if any of them realize that he and Hyun-A makes no sense at all. Although he never thought of it before, now that he knows what real love is by the way that Lee Joone treats her, it occurs to him that what the Kim’s have been doing all these days is an act. It’s almost obvious, looking through it. Oh Ji Won, classical musician, owner of the symphony orchestra who earns enough to feed a south American nation a year, and his only son; what other reasons should there be for him to be arranged for her at a very young age of sixteen? Oh how stupid he had been! He knew he has no feelings whatsoever towards her, but then again, he had no option back then…but now…He has someone to love for real…his miserable married life which is to come in years has to wait…maybe even forever…

He follows his sister all the way to her study and lays the bag in the same corner of the room where all sorts of things are neatly placed. There are a few card board boxes, another two or three bags, and from each of it, hung a tag. One read ‘clothe’ and he gets nothing about it, there’s another smaller bag which has a tag reading XXX. Won Bin makes a face and looks up at his sister who is pulling her things out from one of the bags.

“What’s XXX?” He asks. She smiles, closing the box where probably her Hangbok is in and says. “Personal things…you know…stuff…”

Won Bin nods, his face turning red, and straightens up to leave. He gives a slight wave to Yoo Bin and walks towards the door. But stopping him, the door pushes opens, practically on his face, and his mother walks in, in her hurried walk, and pauses seeing him, her eyes widening with surprise.

“Won Bin…you came…” She says, seeing him after how long, he can’t tell. He nods and tries to excuse himself and walk out, but she calls him back.

“Won Bin, come here”

He lets out a long sigh and turns around to see his mother already in a sofa seat, wearing a straight face. He sits beside his sister. His mother clears and speaks, looking directly at him, making him feel as though he is being interrogated for doing some crime.

“Won Bin…Congratulations on winning the semi-finals, your father and I are very impressed…he’s saying your group did well…”

Won Bin nods, wondering it if she really means it. In fact, this is the first time that he’s hearing his talent being complemented, the truth is, they never do. He feels odd. There’s definitely something more to this. He continues to listen.

“But there’s something you need to be reminded of…The Kim’s are very unhappy that you ditched their daughter again…and your father’s concerned about your relationship with this girl from your band…is there anything going on…?”

This hits him like a lightening in his head. Lee Joone…his parents had no idea about having her in the band, and tonight he must have seen her, him holding her hand, enjoying the wonderful warm feeling of it…

He didn’t think his father was watching him; he only wanted to hold it in spite of his paranoia because even her feel will always calm him down…like a spell…

But then he remembers that even Jae Jin was holding her and on the other side…maybe it will occur to them as merely a friendly gesture…only if they knew they both had concealed yet strong feelings towards each other.

But his lips are sealed.

Instead of saying anything, fearing it if his voice would break, he shakes his head. He finds himself an answer. “Just our supervisor…”

His mother looks straight into his eyes and nods, looking so unsure. “I see…” She answers, after a while. “And let the supervisor to be…just the supervisor…”

Won Bin nods, feeling it that it won’t be the same any longer. But he can’t help it, he just fears any bad move he takes, he will end up hurting her.

And the next thing he knows is, he’s once again, left alone in the room with his sister, who is now going through some pretty, pearl white boxes, muttering to herself. Won Bin finds those interesting, so he moves to her and peeks into her hands.

“What are those?” He asks, sounding interested. Yoo Bin puts aside the one she held, muttering something which sounded like ‘Lee’, and looks at him. “Wedding invitations”

Won Bin makes a face and takes one in his hands. “Jinja? I thought you already sent them.”

Yoo Bin nods. “I did…those are the ones who are left, also of some of my school friends and….ah!”

She suddenly exclaims, practically making him jump and she rams through the box, muttering to herself, and finally pulls out one.

“Here…this is for you…”

Won Bin widens his eyes. “Are you inviting me for the wedding?”

Yoo Bin laughs and hits him on his head. “No dummy! This for you to bring someone along…there must be someone representing you on that day…plus some points of it will be pretty boring for you…”

He doesn’t take his time to reply but with a wide smile, he takes it in his hand and undoes the ribbon tied around the pearl white box, pulls off the lid and finds a pearl white card with a white orchid kept on top of it. He places the orchid aside ant takes out the card, on which there are golden embossed lettering, inviting the one who will receive this, to the wedding. But only the one who shall be invited is not written.

“Why is it blank? Isn’t there anyone specific I need to invite?” He asks. She shakes her head in response. “No…you can bring anyone along with you…it doesn’t matter…but don’t ask the Lees, they’re already invited.

Won Bin says nothing and looks at the empty space between ‘Mr & Mrs/ Miss’ and ‘are invited…’, trying to think of the names that could fit in. Since Jae Jin is already invited, his older sister being one of his Noona’s best students at college, it only leaves him three options. He can take Minhwan, but he will be sort of like a packaged deal. He might as well, bring Ha Ra alone, and personally, She has never been in the list of people that he likes, not in his disliked people’s list either. But one way or the other, he can’t have her being there, following him around no matter where he goes, and asking for some freaking autograph. And sadly, he leaves his favourite magnae out. Next on the list is Jong Hun, and obviously he can’t invite him either. By any chance if it will reach Minhwan’s ear, it will also hurt him to know that both Jae Jin and Jong Hun were there, he will feel left out…

Which leaves only one single person…the best and the most wonderful option…

He smiles to himself and looks up at his sister. “Do you write the invitations?”

Yoo Bin smiles and gives him a look. “Why? You have someone in mind?”

Won Bin nods and smiles. “Yeah….can you write it for me…?”

“Sure…” Yoo Bin says and takes the black carbon pen and lays the card on top of the coffee table. “What’s the name…?”

Won Bin takes a long breath, and looks straight into her eyes. “The girl I love…”

 

 

The next day after the semies is declared a free day by Lee Joone, and so Minhwan and Jae Jin are supposedly staying home or wherever they are, it doesn’t concern him but Jong Hun is with him since he declared to have nothing to do after school and also because he thought he’d like some company. So Won Bin, together with Jong Hun, walks to the cycle shed at Lee Joone’s school and both waits, engaged in a conversation of their own. Won Bin and Jong Hun has been long-time friends and when it comes to these kinds of points, they both know each other’s facts. Won Bin knows all about Jong Hun’s long gone girlfriend, he has met her a few times too and he always liked her. She was seven years older to Jong Hun, which named him the noona stalker afterwards, but even as a noona, she played a great part being his girlfriend. Won Bin remembers her appearance quit well. She had a pretty round face and little brown eyes which will look bigger if she puts on fake lashes or if she sees Won Bin smile which very rarely happened back then. She had the kind of a voice that you’d have expected from a kindergarten teacher. She spoke very slowly, pronouncing each syllable clearly one after the other and liked to smile very often. Even now, he feels it so sad to think that such a wonderful girl had to die. It is one of the many times that he cursed the means of time and fate.

It doesn’t take long before Lee Joone arrives in her usual skip; Won Bin almost smiles seeing it and stops himself somehow when she approaches them with her eyes as widened as plates. Ha Ra comes after her.

“What are you guys doing here? I thought todays a free day!” She asked and complained, her face made up adorably. It takes Won Bin quit long to answer. Think he was just mesmerized by lee Joone’s cuteness.

“It is…but we thought we could have a road stroll together since we’re bored”

“Road stroll?” Ha Ra asks, looking excited. “Is Minhwannie coming?”

Won Bin shakes his head. “He must be hanging out with Jae Jin or something…”

Ha Ra shrugs and looks at Lee Joone. “Then the road stroll is a no-go for me…boring without Minhwan…I’ll leave first…”

Lee Joone nods, looking not very pleased of herself. “Gwenchana….Anneyong!”

And soon, Ha Ra is out of their sight.

“But you could have done the road stroll by yourselves! Why need me?”

Jong Hun makes a face. “Otherwise we will seem like gay partners”

Lee Joone sighs and looks straight at them. “Alright…but you have to buy Ice cream for me, or I won’t come”

Won Bin smiles. “Sure…no problem”

And soon he finds himself and Jong Hun walking beside her as she dragged the bicycle along with her, her bag in the basket of it. For a moment, the three walks in silence, it’s Lee Joone who speaks first.

“Who suggested a road stroll…because this is actually so boring”

Won Bin points at Jong Hun although it is a part of his plan. “He did, and I joined in…”

“Then he suggested dragging you along” Jong Hun adds.

“Great! Now entertain me before I’m a sleepwalking road-kill”

Won Bin sighs, unable to think of a way to entertain her with his busy mind and looks at Jong Hun for help. Jong Hun looks back at him, Lee Joone giving expressions to them, and Jong Hun nods.

Won Bin stops walking, which makes Lee Joone stop along with him. She gives him a look as though he will be the next road kill, not her. Won Bin lets out a long sigh, trying to figure out a way to putt his words in order before he speaks.

“Lee Joone…the reason why…I wanted to take you along is…”

Won Bin sees her eyes widen, and he can almost see her irises widening and narrowing by the sun light, but he says no more and s his bag to pull out a pearl white card board bow with a ribbon tied around and hands it over to Lee Joone.

“This?” She asks, her eyes still widened, holding the box as though she’s holding a bomb.

Won Bin nods. “That…is an invitation…for my sister’s wedding…”

Lee Joone’s uncertain look never leaves her face. “Then why are you giving this to me?”

Won Bin gives her a slight smile. “I’m inviting you…”

Lee Joone remains the same, still holding the box like a bomb, and suddenly returns it to Won Bin.

“I can’t take it…Mianne…” She mutters in a low voice, which catches both Won Bin and Jong Hun off guard.

“Why not?” Won Bin finally asks. Lee Joone stares at him blankly and mutters. “Because you’re rich…and the son of a famous, respected person…and it’s your sister who’s marrying…and I’m just poor…and ordinary…it’s not good for you…”

Won Bin feels it like a thunder hitting him. He hasn’t thought of her that way! He will never think of her that way! He loves her and that’s all he knows!

“It’s…” Won Bin mutters, trying to find his words. “Not…not good for me…you have always been good-,” He stops dead, having practically said that and soon changes it. “Good-good friend…a good friend…and you promised me you will help me to confess to her…aren’t you going to?”

He sees guilt sweeping over her face as she bites her lower lip, a gesture she makes when she’s asked to do something he doesn’t want to do, and the sour expression on her face really hurts him inside. He wishes he can simply say it all to her right at this moment so that he doesn’t have to see that sad, unhappy look on her face anymore. How sad must she be feeling to help her own crush to confess to somebody else…
and how happy will she be when she realizes that that somebody is nobody else than Lee Joone herself?

That’s exactly why he can’t let this one go.

“You have to go…Lee Joone…there’s nobody else who he can take along for help…” Jong Hun adds. They both watch her face, and after a while, she lets out a long sigh and nods. “Okay…I will…Guess a promise is a promise…”

Won Bin smiles wide. “So you’re accepting it? The invitation?”

She smiles and snatches it off his hand with a smile appearing on her face. “Yes…what do you expect?”

“Good, cause that invitation can’t go for waste…”

Lee Joone looks around at the box, without much bothering to look inside of it and says. “Confessing…finally?”

Won Bin nods. “Confessing…finally…”

She smiles and puts the box into his bag so gently as though she’s afraid she’d break it and says;

“You owe me big time anyway…and you still have to buy me Ice cream”

“Sure sure” Won Bin says with a smile. “Whatever you want…”

“Whatever I want?” Lee Joone asks looking interested. “Can I change the ice cream plan to something else?”

Won Bin nods. “Say it, anything”

Lee Joone smiles. “Get me lunch…I’m starving”

Won Bin smiles, feeling light underneath. And her company will make him always feel this way, always. Doesn’t he have every reason to have her made his forever?

“Sure…Anything else?”

She shakes her head. “Nothing…just get me lunch…We eat, you pay”

Anything. He mutters underneath. Anything for you Lee Joone…because I love you too much…

 

 

 

When I’m back at home, it’s already around four and I’m pretty much exhausted, but it still is good. The road stroll with Jong Hun and Won Bin went pretty much good…well, wonderful and that’s not exaggerating because even a second spent with him is simply wonderful…you get the picture what I mean if it’s two hours that I spent with him, it was beyond splendid. We couldn’t think of many things to do after lunch which we had at a road-side food place, so we still went with the ice cream. Instead of bying a tub, we got ourselves corns so that we can continue the walk while eating, and on the way, we spoke about so many things. Jong Hun told us everything about him. He said that he was the only child of his family and also that he received enough attention, I kind of already thought of it even before he mentioned it because one way or the other, he seemed nothing more than being a child brought up with great care. And also he said about his girlfriend, how he met at school, how they became good friends, then lovers, how he confessed on her engagements day and then…how she died in a car accident. It was really sad to hear it, and he really was a good speaker although I haven’t come across it before, but his speaking style was what which made the story sound so sad. Then I told him briefly about my family, I didn’t want to repeat the whole thing I said to Won Bin that day, and we were all out of things to do, I suggested going to my oppa who’d probably ended the enrolments for college already. So together we took the bus and we happened to find him at the bus halt, it really surprised him to see me. I explained everything and the four of us together, got into the next bus home. On the way home it occurred to me that Won Bin and Jong Hun are going pretty well with oppa…okay, a little too well that they kind of left me out in the process of getting to know each other. Oppa thanked Won Bin for donating five million won for his surgery, for which I couldn’t even thank him before and all the way until Won Bin and Jong Hun got off the bus before we did, the three of them went on speaking about all sorts of guy stuff which didn’t interest me, and the only person who saw it that I was left alone was Won Bin, but he didn’t do anything much for me either. After they got down, the rest we rode with oppa giving me his opinion about Won Bin, and what’s more…He sounded as though I’m to marry Won Bin in the near future!

So now, here I am, drying my hair after a shower, walking all over the place in my bath robe, muttering nonsense to myself, well, cursing myself, in fact. It’s just now that I realized that I haven’t washed my clothes for almost a week.

Still in my bath robe, I put on a pair of flip flops and walk to the dirty back yard of my house where there is our old, practically-not-working washing machine settled in a lonely corner and drop all my cloths into it without any care, and it’s when putting  a spoonful of detergent that oppa comes to me with my phone blasting with Treasure’s ‘Loving you’

He puts the caller on and places the phone against my ear as I wipe my hands on the robe. It was Hong Gi on the other end, and just hearing her voice, it gives me a pang of guilt in my heart.

“Hey! Croco? You home?” He asks, in his usual, cheerful voice. I sense it, by the sound of his voice that he’s not at the Memphis, obviously somewhere else. I take the phone in my hand, nod at oppa with a smile and concentrate on my phone conversation.

“Yeah….doing the washing….what reminds you of me so suddenly?”

Hong Gi laughs on the other end. “Well, except for the part where I’m thinking about you all the time, what else is there to remind me of you?”

I shrug, guilt sweeping through me. “Hong Gi~ah…that kind of hurt me…Mianne…but I still like you, you know that…”

He laughs again. “Miannadha…let’s forget I said that, and ara~ I like you too, and that’s why I was thinking…”

“Thinking?” I ask, twisting the knob of the machine. “Thinking what?”

“Well…if you’re free, we can go out for a while…with Seung Hyun so it won’t bother you…”

I smile, feeling light that he doesn’t hate me for what I did and answer: “Yeah…I’m, count me in! Where are we going?”

Hong Gi’s silent for a while, and answers. “Shopping”

I pause on carrying the basket inside and widen my eyes. “Shopping? At this time of the day?”

“Wae?” Hong Gi answers still sounding cheerful as ever. “I heard you’re going to your future Namja Chingu’s noona’s wedding!”

I still don’t move. I mean, who the hell told HIM anything about it this so soon!?! He couldn’t have sensed it by any chance!

“How do you know that?” I ask, leaving the basket in a corner of my room and walking towards the cupboard.

“Jong Hun told me, and you HAVE to come, it’s my birthday on the wedding day, so I want to give you an early treat…”

I again, stop in the middle of pulling out my cloths and practically yell into the phone.

“Jinja!?! Gosh! I never even knew! Then I will definitely come! Where shall we meet?”

Hong Gi’s silent for a second and says. “Open the door and see when you’re done, we’ll meet there…”

“Sure…” I say but I can’t say no more, I fall into the bed trying to put on my cloths. I sigh hard and say. “Look, Hong –Gi~ah…I’m still in my Bath robe, I’ll rush to the door when I’m ready, okay?”

Hong Gi begins to laugh as though I just cracked some major joke, when he’s done, he says; “Yeah yeah sure…But I’d rather you’d come to the door like that, Must be interesting!”

I make a face. “Yah! Get lost you ert!”

He starts to laugh and along with that, the line goes dead.

I throw the phone to the bed and quickly dress up in a simple skirt and a frilled blouse, throw my bag across myself and brush my wet hair, all in ten minutes of time and run off to find granny after pulling on a pair of sandals. Granny rushes out of the kitchen, panicked by my doing with her eyes widened. It gets her mad to see me with no damages as she expected.

“Aish! This little devil! I thought you were being followed by Gyu-Rim’s DOG!!!”

I smile, remembering that devil like hound who lives a few blocks away and shake my head. “Ani…I just wanted to say I’m going out for a while…might not be home for dinner…”

Her eyes widenes even more. “Is your boyfriend here?” She asks, referring to Won Bin. I quickly nod, can’t help lying, I mean, she can’t end up imagining things again!

I stop her before she starts moving towards the door. “Ani Ani Grandma! He’s down by the slope….”

She stops, and gives me a look. “Wae? Is he the king waiting for you down there?”

I shake my head, wanting to save him from her. “Andwae…He…he..” I stutter and finally end up saying; “He….can’t walk, he fell and he can’t walk! I’ve got to help him! Kayikkae!”

She moves towards me to stop me but I’m faster. I somehow make it out of the door and nearly start running but end up in Hong Gi’s hands.

“Whoa! Hold it there pretty lady, you’re going with me!”

I stop dead and step back to see Hong Gi’s ever smiling face.

“Wae? Was someone following you?”

I nod. “Yeah…grandma….let’s hurry up and vanish…”

He nods with a smile. “Sure, let’s vanish! Come on!”

And soon I find myself being dragged down the slope where his little red car is parked, and out of the opened door hops out Seung Hyun wearing the biggest smile ever.

“Noona!” He yells out as we approach, but Hong Gi with no word, pulls open the back door and pushes him inside. I run around to the passenger seat while Hong Gi gets into the driving seat and soon he drives away, laughing all along as though it is the Tokyo drift.

When we’re half way in the city after riding in silence, Hong Gi suddenly breaks into a full laughter which, more or less, freaked me out and end up thinking if he has a hysteria problem.

“What the-?” I say, giving him my best WTF look. He looks at me. “Seriously! Joonie! Why are we vanishing exactly?”

I  raise my eyebrows. “That’s why you’re laughing?”

I hear another crazy sounding laughter from the back. Gosh! Those two can never get over the laughing sickness!

“Seriously guys! There’s nothing to laugh about!” I say as loudly as I could, in the end, I succeed. The two ended their hysterical laughter and after a moment, Hong Gi asks; “Where do you want to go?”

I look out of the shutter at the coming evening, feeling quit happy. I don’t really want to shop for the wedding, really! What I really want to di is to spend some time with him to somehe make it up to him. I know that I never will. It’s impossible to heal a wound after leaving it inside, but I won’t miss on my chances. I will try, and this will be only an attempt to do so.

The sun has already begun to set on the west, gradually bringing the night to the seoul city, and I wonder how fast the days pass by. It’s like a train ride, you will only know where it starts and ends; what’s in between, what happens, you will never know. Just this morning, I remember it so clearly, Won Bin’s smile which has brightened him up so completely. There was more to it than just merely being just a smile. The first time I saw it, I didn’t see all of it. I have missed out on the creased lines in the corner of his eyes, the massive dimples on his cheek, the perfect line of his pearl-like teeth and that beautiful, platinum shine hidden in the light brown-ness of his eyes…But now, it makes me so happy to see them, although it can’t involve me. I wish I can make him give me the same smile each and every day, I can’t think of anything else more beautiful which can make my whole day…
But right now, it’s not what which should concern me. As much as the thought of not receiving my love hurts me, it must be hurting him, Hong Gi. I can’t hurt him, it’s me who started it all, I don’t know how things ended up this way, and my mind doesn’t allow me to go through my past to see how and where it did, what exactly I should do is somehow make it up for him.

He repeats the same question over again, this time, closer along with my name. I swiftly turn to him. “Eh?”

“Where do you go for shopping, usually?”

To be frank, shopping never concerns me; neither does the way I dress. It has been long since I last attended a wedding, before my mum died that is, and as far as I remember, it was a dress that I borrowed from Ha Ra that I wore, so I have never in my life, done shopping for pretty dresses.

I look at Hong Gi and shake my head. “I don’t go shopping much…”

“Jinjayo?” Seung Hyun asks from the back. “My mum’s obsessed about shopping! It’s really annoying, and once I asked why she always does it, and she was like; ‘All the girls love to, it’s a girl’s thing’ it’s odd that you don’t…”

I smile. “Welcome to my world…”

Hong Gi ignores me and turns to Seung Hyun. “Where does your mum buy clothes?”

Seung Hyun’s silent for a moment and suddenly leans over through the space between the front seats and says; “Myeondong…mostly, but the things are expensive there…”

“Myeondong?” Repeats Hong Gi thoughtfully. “I remember mum taking us there…she bought pretty much a lot there…I think I can pull some strings for something…”

“But Hong Gi!” I begin to protest. I mean, I seriously can’t let him buy anything expensive! I’d regret it all my life!

But I’m stopped when he holds up a hand. “Please, Joonie…only this once, because I won’t be doing any of this for you anymore…”

This immediately stops me, hurting me like a sudden thunder in my heart. Guilt sweeps through me like a wild fire and I decide to not say a word afterwards. I feel like a fool, a complete fool who shouldn’t even exist. Although I can’t love him back, Hong Gi, is the man who truly loves me, and for some reason, for some stupid reason, because of some idiot with whom I’m crazily in love, I can’t give him what he expects. And I’m hopeless. I don’t know how I can change myself for him, I’m afraid to do it, afraid that I might lose them both, but just now, he made it obvious to me that it’s hard for him to let me go. I’m a fool, I don’t have to just feel like one because I AM one. I’m letting the man who loves me go, trying to get closer to the one who apparently doesn’t.

For the next few minutes, we ride in silence. Hong Gi’s smile is slight, unlike the smile he constantly wear when we’re together, and I feel so guilty that I did this to him. I really do like him, but I can’t make myself love him the way that he expects.

It doesn’t take us long to arrive at the Myeondong night market. It’s crowded with high class people than I expected, many carrying carrier bags and star coffee cups, laughing and some flirting all they want. It’s as though it is an all new world. I hate the way that half of the people looked at me, probably because I’m walking sandwiched between two equally beautiful guys. This is something I have never experienced in normal night markets, in Dongdaemun, people would always look at you with a bright smile, no matter how you look or who you are with, they will always treat anybody the same. I don’t get what’s with the high class people, given that the sole high class person I know is Won Bin, who spends a life of a beggar boy to be frank so it never made any difference but this, here, the people around here, they’re just so alien to me.

After a while of walking, I feel Hong Gi’s hand wrap around mine. I feel an electric shock when he does so, which makes me immediately turn to him. He keeps on looking ahead.

“Why so silent?” He asks me in a low voice. I shake my head as though he sees me and mutter. “I’m…not…”

“Yes you are…say something…I’m bored…” He says, a slight smile overtaking his lips.

I look down at my feet and take a deep breath. “Hong Gi~ah…I’m sorry…that I can’t…like you the way you want…”

He’s silent for a minute and answers. “Don’t say that again…I can understand how you must be feeling right now, so don’t…”

I shake my head. “I don’t know if what I’m doing is right…He will reject me…if he does…will you still accept me…?”

“What makes you think he will reject you?” He asks as a girl with a whole lot of carrier bags passes by.

I sigh hard. “He has a girl he likes….I’m afraid he’d think I’m trying to replace her…I don’t want to…really…”

Hong Gi squeezes my hand. “I’m sure he’d drop her for you…it’s a joke if he doesn’t…”

“But if he does, will you still accept me?”

It takes him a moment to think, and finally answers, “It has been a long time since I did…That’s why I’m ready to let you go any time you want…But I’ll always be ready to take you back whenever you want me too….”

For the next few minutes, we walk in silence, after a moment, I ask. “But will you hate me? If I turn to you one day?”

He shakes his head. “Never….I might call you a loser and just take you back…”

I let out a small laughter. “Do you think I’m a loser?”

“Ani…” He answers after a while. “I think you’re brilliant….”

“Really?”

He nods. “And very strong…I have never heard of a girl who would help the guy you love to confess to the girl he likes….any girl would simply start crying and let everything go, but yet you still help him…”

I smile. “I promised him I will…”

“That’s a strong promise to make…”

“But still I made it…”

He smiles and squeezes my hand. “And make another promise for me, can you?”

I nod. “Nae…ne ga mal hae jwo…..”

He smiles wider and I see how beautifully his eyes smile along. “Promise me you will let me make this my last date with you before I let you go…That’s my little wish for my birthday…”

I look down at my feet, unable to bear the sentimental feelings he’s giving me. This can’t be our last date, he can’t say so, because the word ‘last’ is something I have always hated in my life and I don’t want to promise him that I can make this his last one with me. I shake my head.

“No…I can promise I will make this a fabulous date for you, but I can’t promise this is the last…there’s no such a thing called ‘last’ Hong Gi…Let it just be a fabulous date…”

He nods. “Sure, then…A fabulous date with you…Love the sound of it…”

I smile. “So do I”

So after a while of walking, this time, laughing and commenting on various things, we come to a halt on Seung Hyun’s demand. It’s a little boutique for girls clothing, I smile at Seung Hyun, trying to figure out the last time I visited such a posh little boutique before and together, we enter as he suggested.

I love the sweet smell of something close to vanilla and new plastic that the place gives as soon as we enter the small two storey building. And it seems to me like an all new experience after not being in such places for a while. I try to act as naturally as I could as I run my eyes over the really pretty clothes and accessories which are displayed inside, but really none of it catches my attention. The glitter and the bling never interest me.

A lady in specs which are too big for her face approaches us with a massive smile, I give her a once-over. She looks as blinguish as much as the boutique is, with massive earrings and a whole lot of clothes worn over one after the other which makes me wonder how she survives during the spring afternoons. She’s wearing a skirt long down to her ankles, a pair of sequenced flats is visible underneath and the stack of multi-coloured bangles and bracelets makes a slow jingling sound as she shows us the way through the place. Soon she leads us to where they display the party dresses.

And not very surprisingly, all of the dresses displayed are way too blinguish to be worn at a decent wedding ceremony, and I SO don’t want to look like a walking talking jewellery box for that matter, and also since I will be there helping Won Bin out when he confesses to the girl, I don’t want to be there catching everybody’s attention. Even Hong Gi doesn’t like the looks of them.

“You’re too cute to be wearing anything like this” He comments, holding up a dress with loads of sequins and stones hanging about. “For a cute girl, we need something cute…and simple…”

“How about this?” Comes Seung Hyun’s voice out of the blue. He turns up holding the most hideous outfit ever. I know I shouldn’t be laughing, especially being in a place like this, but I really can’t help it, I break out laughing, to which Hong Gi joins in. Seung Hyun makes a face. “People seriously have something against my taste” He says, hanging the dress back in its holder. “I thought it looks fine…”

Hong Gi reaches out and pats him on his back. “Don’t worry brother, you will get a girl friend of your taste who will go around wearing the hideous dresses you pic, so don’t be upset…”

Seung Hyun smiles at me. “Sure, I wasn’t going to dress noona up in that anyway…”

So we decide to check out another store.

The next one we go to is so pink and white and it really annoys the three of us although we decide it’s a place where we can find what we expect…okay, where they will find what they expect coz I’m not very interested in finding dresses myself, but still, we walk in.

The girl behind the counter looks a lot pleasant than the lady from the store before although she’s wearing bunny ears and a dress with a massive bow in the back which is very annoying, but she greets us so pleasantly and shows us the way to the place where they had the dresses. “Pic any piece you want….” She says with a smile. “we have a special offer on dresses on this wedding season!”

We only smile at her and so we start going through what they have.

Being a lot better than those from the other store, the colours and the simplicity of what they have, simply catches my attention. I stand back and wait, running my eyes all over the place, looking at the baby-girl garnishes and displays until the guys pick up anything of their choice.

“Aren’t you going to pick anything? We can go somewhere else iif you want…” Hong Gi says at one point, seeing me standing by myself. I shake my head and smile. “I like it here….I mean the dresses…they’re so simple and pretty…”

Hong Gi smiles. “That’s what I thought so too…why won’t you pick one then?”

I smile. “Ani….I’m waiting for you to pick one…only you two will know what I will look best in…”

He nods. “Good point…”

Few minutes later, the two of them comes to me with a whole lot of dresses in their hands in various colours, the piles are so huge that I can barely see their faces!

I widen my eyes. “This many dresses! I can pick only one!”

“Pick anything you want, I’m sure anything will look pretty on you…”

“Let me see…” I say and approach Hong Gi. The girl at the counter turns up and starts laughing.

“Your boyfriends have pretty much in mind I guess…”

“Tell me about it” I comment with a smile, and soon, she helps me put away one by one.

“I say you should try them on…” The counter girl say as I lay a light yellow dress in her hands. I nod. “Yeah well….I can’t try them all…I’ll choose one from each pile and let you guys choose the best…”

“That’s a good idea!” Seung Hyun comments from behind the pile of the dresses he picked for me which I still haven’t gone through.

I pick two dresses from each pile, two equally beautifully yet simple dresses of my choice at which the counter girl comments as a great choice, I smile. Hong Gi and Seung Hyun certainly know how to make girls feel so happy.

I walk into the dressing room and pick the one on the top, a light blue dress with a stone design and when I put it on, I feel like a completely different person. It’s a bit over the knee length though, revealing a bit too much of my legs, but then again, it really is pretty and suits me really well. I try to figure out who picked it for me as I look at myself through the full sized mirror and smile. It’s Hong Gi…no wonder it reveals too much of me!

“Come on out!” he yells from the outside to me, I’m glad that there’s nobody else in the shop or I’d be a complete embarrassment. I arrange my hair on either of my shoulders and take a long breath before I step out.

Walking out towards the three of them, I feel like one of those weird girls in movies and it’s totally embarrassing although I’m doing this for Hong Gi’s sake. But it makes me really happy to see his face full of wonder and something more, something close to sadness or jealousy, I can’t tell, and seeing me smile, he smiles back.

“Wow, that surely is pretty on you…” Says the girl with a smile. “And it comes only in that size, it suits you perfectly well…”

“Yeah…well…it’s pretty…short isn’t it?” Seung Hyun comments, moving a hand across his legs, inches over his knees to indicate its length. But Hong Gi doesn’t answer for a while, and finally rips his eyes off from me.

“Yeah…it’s a bit short…but yet, it’s beautiful on you…really…”

I smile and look down. In a way, it isn’t a good idea to look good before the very person whom I can’t love…more or less, I’m making him like me even more, and at least that’s how it seems right now. I can almost sense it in the atmosphere.

“But I think you better check the other one too…and decide.” Says the counter girl. I nod and walk back into the dressing room.

The other dress, the one that Seung Hyun picked for me, on the contraire of what I expected in spite of his natural taste, is simply so beautiful. Its simplicity immediately catches my attention. Its white, simple and white, and wearing it, I get the kind of a feeling when I might feel being among the clouds. The colour is so calm that it can help one’s disturbed ming. Its not short either. The flared skirt is knee lengthed from the front, gradually getting longer from the sides until it’s a bit over the ankle length from the back. It has no sleeves or straps but fits me perfectly and around where it’s short bodice ends, there’s a silk, light pink bow, fallen to a side. On the whole, it’s simply so beautiful. And although I’m not going to catch Won Bin’s eye at the wedding, I’m sure the dress will catch his slightest attention.

I turn around, smiling at my own reflection on the mirror, knowing that I’ve kind of made my choice. I know I shouldn’t make Hong Gi feel bad, I feel like I should get the one that he picked for me, I love it too, but its length really bothers me. But I will take it, no matter how much it reveals, if I had to. I mean, I’m not going to be representing his girlfriend or anything at the reception, I will be there, helping him out with his confessions…

I take a deep breath and sigh hard before I step out of the dressing room, and it feels so right even to be walking out in this dress. I don’t dare to look up into the faces of the two guys, I only look at the counter girl who has widened her eyes.

“Now THAT…is perfect….I’m telling you, you should pick this one, it’s beautiful on you…”

I smile and turn around so that they can have a better look.

“I KNEW it will look gorgeous on noona!” Seung Hyun says, smiling so happily that his choice finally did it and with a simple glance, I see Hong Gi smiling. Although it doesn’t give me the same feeling that Won Bin does, it’s enough of him to make me happy.

“What do you think?” I ask, standing before them and wait for a reply.

“I say this…” The counter girl says, nodding at me with a smile. “It suits her innocent look really well…”

“And noona looks gorgeous in white!” Seung Hyun comments with a smile. “Finally I made a great choice!”

I nod with a smile. “Yes, indeed it is…thank you Seung Hyunnie…”

With a long breath, I turn to Hong Gi. “Well?”

Hong Gi looks up and down on me, the same wonder filling in his eyes, and finally smiles. “You are an angel in it…We’ll take it…..Won Bin’s so going to love you in it…”

“But Hong Gi…the dress you picked…” I say slowly, intending to protest, but he shakes his head and smiles. “Ani…it reveals too much of you…he certainly won’t like that…but he will love you in this…”

I smile, but inside, guilt is hurting like nothing else has in my life. His fondness towards me is obvious whereas Won Bin….I don’t know whether all he’s doing for me actually means anything, he’s just too complicated for me to understand. But Hong Gi…he’s obvious, but only, my heart can’t grasp any of it.

“For the wedding season, we’re giving out special offers just as I told you before…” Says the counter girl as she billed on the dress. And just as I expected, the dress is really expensive, so expensive that I couldn’t even have imagined of buying it, But Hong Gi, with a cheerful smile, simply holds out a twenty thousand Won note. “What’s the offer noona?” Hong gi asks as she folds the dress putting it into a carrier bag.

She points at the corner where there are jewelleries neatly displayed. “With each dress, you can pick any of the jewellery you want as long as it’s below or of the same price of what you have purchased already…go on…”

Hong Gi nods and takes my hand. “Come on! We’ll pick one!”

And so I get dragged along.

In a glass display cabinet, there are all sorts of rings  and pendants displayed under a white light which is making them glitter even more. But none of them are of the price of the dress or less. There is also a set of poles where there are bangles and bracelets kept in lines according to the size and colours that the display itself catches my attention. So does of Hong Gi’s. With genuine interest, he runs is eyes over the set of bracelts and soon pulls one out of the line of charm bracelets.

“Here…this one…” He says, holding it up before my face. “See? There are tiny guitars and mikes on it…everything you love right?”

I smile and nod. Indeed it does have all that I love…and is also picked with love by somebody who loves me…

“I love it…” I say and look at him. He nods with glittering eyes. “Okay, then we’ll take it…”

Together we walk towards the counter. “Hong Gi picked this for me…” I say to both Seung hyun and the counter girl. “It’s cute right?”

“Very…” She comments and takes the plastic knob and the tag off it and admires the tiny musical instruments on it. “Interested in music much? Or one of you play one?”

I smile and look at Hong Gi who’s busy looking at the people passing by, out of the shop’s glass panes, with his hands in his pockets and looking pretty much engrossed in it, and turn back to the counter girl. “Hong Gi and Seung Hyun has a band…FNC’s battles of the bands…know it?”

She nods, looking excited. “Yeah…I watch it every night! I KNEW I have seen them somewhere before!”

I nod. “Yeah….he catches anybody’s attention…”

She hands me the plastic bag. “He does…So…you guys are dating?”

I bite my lip and slowly shake my head. “Well…things…are pretty complicated between us….”

She nods. “Sorry…that I asked…” Then she gestures at Seung Hyun who’s doing something with the tip of his shoe. “What about him?”

I smile. “He’s Hong Gi’s cousin brother…we’re kind of like best friends…”

“Done?” Hong Gi asks, approaching us, still having his hands in his pockets. I nod with a smile. “Nae…”

He puts his hand in mine. “Then let’s go…”

I nod. He turns around and calls Seung Hyun, then turns to the girl. “Kayo…and thank you noona…nice to meet you!”

She nods. “You too!”

And with a brief good bye, the three of us walk out of the shop and back into the street. Hong Gi lets out a long sigh and looks at me. “Now what?”

I lift my shoulders, indicating that I don’t know. It’s Seung Hyun who finally comes up with an idea. “We’ll buy shoes!”

And so we begin to go in search for shoe shops.

As we walk alone, checking out on boards and window displays, searching for a good place to shop for shoes, my interest suddenly goes towards a boutique where they sell platinum jewellery. Jewellery has never been in my interest, but for some reason, my feminine instincts keep on asking me to pay a visit there, and no matter how much I ask myself to not to, it won’t give in. It’s so odd, I don’t know why it does, but the desire never seems to fade away. I stop before it and turn to Hong Gi.

“Something tells me I should pay this place some visit…”

Hong Gi looks at it and widen his eyes. “Wae? Shall I buy you jewellery too?”

I shake my head. “Aniya…that’s not that…it’s just I want to see…”

He smiles. “Sure…let’s go then…we still have plenty of time…”

The three of us walk into the shop, me, feeling so confused why on earth I want to walk in there. I mean, it’s not like I have any desire to buy anything, it’s just what I want inside…

The jewellery shop is the kind of a place that I will have never visited. The gleaming silver lights which are being reflected all over the place are almost unbearable, and although it’s nt very crowded, I feel so claustrtophobic only being inside it, but more than that, my heart which has begun to beat faster is giving me unbearable pushes, as though it id searching for something, I let go of Hong Gi’s hand and begin to walk to the glass display cupboards, my eyes searching for something unknown to me.

Hong Gi follows after me without a word as I do so, but my eyes never seems to stop searching through whats there behind the glass panels of the cabinets, and at some point, it stops. So does my heart, my breathing, my brain, the complete me.

The sight I’m seeing with wide opened eyes simply electrocutes me, makes my whole world turn around in my mind as my trembling fingers run over the glass panel, my lips start to tremble along with confusion and unbearable surprise.

So it’s what my heart has been searching for….it must have known.

In the glass cabinet, placed on a velvet sheet, shining so brightly that it nearly blinds me, are a pair of pendants…two platinum cats with shining eyes, kept together that it forms a tiny heart in between…

…couple pendants…

Without thinking more, I clutch at the pendant I’m wearing and try my best to have a look at it, and when I don’t see it enough, I turn to Hong Gi and call his name.

“See if they’re the same?” I ask him, pointing at the pair in the cabinet and also at the one around my neck.

Hong Gi nods and leans over the cabinet, and then looks at the one around my neck, then back at the cabinet, then at me.

“They’re couple pendants…”

I nod. “Do…they look alike…?”

Hong Gi stares into my face, and slowly, he nods. I feel like my insides are melting, falling apart…no…I can’t explain what exactly is happening to me…it’s confusion, disbelief…

“Did…Won Bin…give it to you…?”

I look at him, gulp hard and nod.

“They’re couple pendants…Lee Joone…” He says again and stares into my face, his eyes filled with an expression I can’t read with my heavy mind. I shake my head. No…that can’t be…he couldn’t have bought couple pendants…he couldn’t…I can’t be expecting him to be keeping the other one…he can’t be wearing it….
No! I can’t expect him to do that…no…he’s not…

I look at the girl at the counter and ask. “This…does it only come in pairs?”

She nods with a smile. “Well…they’re couple pendants…they originally come in pairs…but we sometimes do some exceptions…”

This brings a sudden relief to my mind. No, he will never do it…he’s rich, practically famous, he can make some exception…he must have done so, and got only this one since he has this fondness to call me a screeching cat…

I nod and look at Hong Gi who’s now looking as though I just called him something bad. I smile. “Hong Gi, he must have gotten just this one…He will never do such a thing…”

Hong Gi nods and smiles back. “Can’t say, can we?”

I shake my head. “We can…he will do such a thing…”

He just smiles. “Done? Let’s go then…I’m starving”

I agree with a smile, and together, the three of us walk out, giving a brief good bye to the very confused girl at the counter, and soon we’re back on the road. It doesn’t take us long before we arrive before a shoe shop which immediately catches my attention. The three of us rush into it since, running around has already exhausted us that we’re simply so starving. We decide to make it faster, so I let Seung Hyun to pick it for me. We pretend to play the princess and the pauper, me princess, Seung Hyun and Hong Gi taking chances in playing the Pauper and soon we pick one together, and feeling quit satisfied with it, we decide to find a seven eleven or some other department store to grab ramyeun for dinner, and the next thing I know is we’re in the quadrangle of Myeondong, sitting in a line, slurping up the noodles without a word. It’s when we’re done that he finally speaks.

“I guess this wraps up the date…” He says in a distant voice as Seung Hyun takes some of the noodles from his cup. He seems so distance that he doesn’t even notice him, and soon he turns to me.

“Thank you for keeping the promise…it really was a fabulous date…”

I look at him and see the sad lines on his face, the creases on the sides of his eyes have gone, replacing it with something lonely and sad. I wish he can still be happy, I wish he can still be happy although it’s the end of his date with me.

“I had a great time…shopping has never been so fun before, but with you, it was great…Thank you, for everything…”

He smiles, looking ahead at the couples passing by. “I wish Won Bin will give you the same happiness…or more…you deserve more than what I can give…”

I shake my head. “No…you can do a lot…only that I’m a pabo who isn’t fated to accept it…”

Hong Gi still has his eyes on the walking people on the street, oblivious to the fact that Seung Hyun is still eating from his cup.

“No…you’re not…only that Won Bin is so lucky to be liked by someone like you…”

I smile at a distance, watching a couple holding hands as they walk under the lights of the street, laughing at something of their own. The sky is clear, showing symtomps of the coming summer and street is already crowded as the night approaches, and the atmosphere is so calm that it actually calms down my mind.

“What is so great about me that you actually like me Hong Gi~ah…I’m so confused…” I ask.

He responds with a small laugh. “What a dumb question is that? There are thousands of reasons to like you…I can’t think of all of it….I will only like you more…”

I look down at my feet and bite my lower lip. The more he does it, the more it reminds me that I love someone who doesn’t even care for me. Under my breath, I mutter in a low voice.

“Promise me you won’t say that again, Hong Gi~ah…I wish I can love you…I just can’t make myself to do it…don’t make me more hopeless…”

A moment later, I feel him putting a hand around me and hugs me closer against his shoulder.

“Mianne…” He whispers only that I can hear. “I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

I shake my head against his shoulder. “Ani…just…let’s be best friends…very best friends….”

He nods against my hair and when I pull away, he’s watching me with a gorgeous smile. “Best friends?”

I nod. “Best friends…”

He nods and takes my hand in his. I notice that the ramyun cup is gone, Seung Hyun must be indulging himself a lot.

“Lee Joone, there’s another wish you have to fulfil before the date ends…” He says, and making my heart beat so fast, he begins to slowly, move towards me. Many things begin to flow into my mind, one after the other, and slowly I begin to move away but wearing a confused face, he keeps on moving towards me, I feel a hand running behind me…

But then again, I promised him I will make the date fabulous…and maybe this is how he wants to bring things to an end…

Without thinking anymore, I press both my hands on the either sides of his cheeks, making him blink at me with confusion, and close my eyes, not waiting for my heart to allow me to do what I shall do next, I move towards him, feeling his breath colliding with mine, and fulfil the teeniest wish of him.

When my our lips meet each others, the feeling that it gave before when it did the last time, it never comes, I never feel in me, only the softness of his lips, only the tender movements are all I feel and it’s almost nothing….nothing at all.

We remain the same for a while, lips touching each others without feeling much, and after a while, he pulls away and stares into my eyes, I see then cease into a smile.

“That wasn’t…exactly the wish I had Lee Joone…” He says, in a low voice, almost a whisper, and my face begins to boil with embarrassment. That was not what he had in mind?

I look down at  the hand he’s holding. “Mianne…I didn’t know…”

He squeezes my hand. “Gwenchana…it wasn’t…much…”

I nod and look into his face. “So…what was the wish…anyway?”

His hand reaches behind me just like he did before and takes the carrier bag which was beside me. My face turns completely red, realizing it’s been what he was doing before, not moving in for what I expected.

Out of the carrier bag, he pulls out the little plastic bag in which the bracelet is. He pulls out the bracelet so slowly and takes my wrist in his hand. In a slow movement, he puts it around my hand and smiles.

“Just as I thought…Beautiful!”

At his remark, Seung Hyun leans over him. I lift my hand for him to have a better look, liking the slow jingling sound that it makes as I do. Seung Hyun smiles. “Wow…Noona has really slender hands…”

I smile and drop my hand, feeling really embarrassed. “You like to complement a lot, don’t you?”

He smiles. “There’s a lot to complement on you about?”

“Really?” I ask, surprised. “Like what? I mean, besides the slender hands and looking good in white?”

He makes this weird face that he always makes and says. “You have feel-good factors…”

“Like what you did right now” Hong Gi adds with a smile. I widen my eyes. “You thought it was a Feel-good factor? It was a mistake! Misunderstanding!”

Hong Gi smiles. “But it WAS a feel good factor for me…”

I stare at him with widened eyes, unable to speak. He just leans over and takes my hand. “Come on…we have to go home before ten, right?”

I nod, still unable to speak and stand up along with him. Seung Hyun collects all three of the ramyun cups and stuffs them into a bin nearby as Hong Gi gathers the carrier bags into his hand from the bench. Soon I find myself walking back to the car sandwiched between the two guys, laughing hysterically as we go at something Seung Hyun just did, and feeling their hands holding me from the either sides, then only it occurs to me, they too, are feel good factors for me.

And really, it really does feel so good.

 

 

 

Two days later, the wedding comes. Like I said before, I really can’t remember the last time that I attended to any wedding, not much; really…It’s almost like I have even forgotten what they do at weddings!

In spite of the strange excitement and a flick of sadness I get, I wake up a little early although it’s a Saturday, and for a few minutes, I sit upright in the bed and stare at the stuffed kitten with longing eyes. It hasn’t been long since he gave it to me, I still remember hearing his laughter, seeing him smile, and feeling him nearly touching his lips on mine almost too clearly, and the mere fact that I will never receive any of it from today onwards, it hurts me in a way that even I can’t bear on my own. At some points, I wish we never met so that I won’t be here, suffering it that I haven’t received the love that I sought for and cursing my cruel fate, and more or less, for some reason, I will call myself a mere fool. I just still don’t know why.

I reach out and slowly the fur of the cat lovingly, and enjoy the feeling that the softest touch is giving me. It’s as though I’m touching the softest feathers of a bird, or the petals of a rose…I don’t know…there’s something different hidden in it, probably because my heart knows whom I received it from, although it actually has no meaning at all aside from myself being a screeching cat in his eyes. That’s good in a way, I mean; at least I’m a screeching cat for him other than simply being nothing at all. I take the stuffed kitty in my hands and hug it against my chest. It’s so soft, so comfy and so light against my skin as though I’m holding a feather pillow in my hands. It’s a good thing that he picked it for me, because as for now, aside from the pendant and the chain, it happens to be all I will have left of him to love and hold, pretending I’m holding him since I will not be doing it anymore. I wish he will be happy afterwards. I wish she will keep him happy and laughing as much as he did pretending I was her. I’m sure she’s a lot better than I am, whereas, well, comparatively, I’m nothing before an everything-perfect angel like him…Isn’t it simply so obvious that he will never pick me…?

Okay, it’s not that Hong Gi is a pabo as much as I am, I mean, apart from Won Bin, he’s the next most perfect person I know…in a way, they’re both similar. Equally beautiful, equally talented, equally kind hearted…I will die if I will ever have to make a choice between the two of them. Seriously! How can I ever pick one?

But the situation here is different, and the more I look into it, the more I feel I might lose them both. I know hong Gi will always accept me, but when I come to think of it, doing such a thing seems pretty unfair. How can I expect him to accept me once I rejected him in such a way that I hurt him so terribly in the process? It’s a foolish decision I made although I thought following my heart is the best choice for me, only now that I see it, I will be rejected, soon I will be over a more prettier and yet a perfect girl, and there’s absolutely no point of waiting for anything fabulous to happen. In fact, I’m kind of convinced he doesn’t want me to be involved with him afterwards. I won’t be, in that case. Obviously I will be an embarrassment if she ever knew that his great supporter is actually a suburb girl, not any suburb girl but the paper girl?

I hold the fluffy face of the stuffed kitty before my face, and widen my eyes to see that even it has big button eyes which are light brown, although it’s not exactly the same, it makes me happy to see them. I smile to myself and place a kiss on its fluffy face.

“Saranghae…Oh Won Bin…No matter how many times you will reject me, I will still and always love you…” I whisper and hold the plastic nose of the toy against mine. Feeling quit satisfied, I lay it on the bed where I slept, cover it with my quilt and hop off with my phone in my hand so that I can call the paper agent and ask for somebody else to do my shift for today.

When I have it all settled out, I throw the phone onto my bed and skip away to have an early bath.

Since it has rained the night before, the water coming from the tank above is extremely cold, and as it runs down over my head and downwards, it scares me if I’d freeze and die and Won Bin will be helpless when she’s there, oblivious to it that his supporter has died under a severely cold shower. He’s certainly not going to like that, so gladly; I make it out of the shower.

It’s when I’m drying my hair that I see it, it’s already eight forty five in the morn, and it occurs to me that the embossed golden lettering on the card said that the ceremony will be starting at twelve to which oppa will be taking me in a taxi. Won Bin called me the night before and asked me whether he should come and pick me up. I said no, I mean, it really would be awkward to ride together knowing that we’ll be apart soon, and I certainly don’t want that.

It’s a moment later that I get a call on my phone, it’s Hong Gi. I smile and place it against my ear.

“Hey! Croco! Morning to you! Feeling good?” He asks, all in a line without breaking a breath. I shake my head.

“You know, Hong Gi, you have this weird timing of calling which makes me think you’re a down-right ert” I say, pulling out my clothes out of the drawers. He begins to laugh from the other end.

“Wae? Don’t tell me you’re in the bath!”

I frown at an empty space and say. “Cheap shot…I’m in my robe, dressing up…”

He laughs even more. “Don’t worry, I won’t think of anything bad…it’s all for Won Bin to cherish…”

I sigh. Seriously? This guy is one hell of a down right ert!

“Anyway” I ask, sitting down on my bed. “What makes you call me at this time of the day?”

Hong Gi clears his throat. “Well…Ha Ra called and said she had a plan…we’ll be coming around before you go…Wanted to inform you in case we’ll be surprising you or you will still be in the bath robe…”

“Trust me, I won’t” I say. “Anyway, what’s the plan?”

“Not sure…” He says, sounding uncertain. “Might be good…dressing you up I guess…”

I sigh. “Hong Gi~ah, I’m pretty sure I can do it myself…”

“By the way…” He says, in an urgent voice. “You seem to be forgetting something…”

I widen my eyes. “What could that be?”

He laughs at the other end. “Nappon chingu! You forget your best friend’s birthday haven’t you?”

I gasp and slap my hand on my forehead. “Aish! Mianne Hong Gi~ah! This wedding thing and I totally forgot it! Sengil chukkayae!”

He laughs. “Thank you…and gwenchana…you must be having a lot in your mind right now…”

“Yeah…kind of…” I say, the fur of the kitty.

“Then I won’t be bothering you any more…We’ll be meeting around at nine or so anyway…”

“Who are coming? Aside from you?” I ask.

“Well..Minhwan, Ha Ra and Jong Hun will be pretty much it…Seung Hyunnie has an exam…”

I smile. “Okay…then…I’ll wait for you…”

“Sure sure…we’ll be there soon”

And soon the line goes dead. I keep the phone aside and just as he said, I feel the nervousity and tension myself. It’s as though I’m about to go to my university entrances, or something more. Mixed feelings are overwhelming me, unable to figure out how I will actually live through it. How cruel the whole world is to me that it had to be me, of all the people ME who will be backing up for him! How will I react when they begin to passionately smooch right before my very eyes!

I will have to hide away when that happens, I mean, what if I give her a good blow and take the chance myself? Then Won Bin will hate me for million years!

I let out a long sigh and run my hands through my wet hair. It’s frustrating, I’ve never been so nervous in my life!

It’s when I’m about to blow dry my hair, that my phone starts to ring again. Feeling rather annoyed, thinking it might be either Minhwan or Ha Ra to inform about their ‘Plan’ I place it against my ear.

And lose my voice, hearing the angelic voice of my dreams on the other end of the line.

“In case you might be still asleep or you have forgotten, I thought of reminding you…” Won Bin says in a low voice which makes my heart beat so fast. I push a lock of hair behind my ear.

“Yeah…well, thank you for that…but I’m already up…I remembered…”

“Good...” He says shortly, and even in his voice, I can sense it, he’s nervous.

“Feeling nervous?” I ask, sounding natural as I could.

“Yeah…kind of…”

I sigh. “So, she’s coming?”

He’s silent for a moment and say. “Yeah…I just made sure…”

I nod, feeling rather cold inside. “Great….so won’t you tell me her name at least now?”

He says nothing for a moment, but finally answers. “You’ll see when you’re here…I have a feeling you might know her…”

I fake-chuckle. “You think? Well, I don’t think it will make any difference…really!”

He also makes a slight laugh. “Ah! Well…we’ll see…”

I take a long breath, and for a moment we’re both silent. A while later, he asks. “You’re sure you’re coming right? Or I’ll be pretty hopeless…”

I shake my head. “I promised you remember?”

“Ah, yes, of course…”

I smile and look up at the roof of my room. “But speaking of being hopeless, tell me when I have to stay away…maybe all the time because Hong Gi got me a very pretty dress…What if I look pretty and you don’t want to tell her anymore or she thinks you’re double timing or something?”

This time, he begins to really laugh. “Lee Joone, you have such an imagination! And I’m sure it certainly won’t happen…”

I laugh too. “Yeah, I know…I was just fantasizing…”

“Yeah, sure” He says shortly and I stop laughing, sensing it as though he’s forcing himself to speak naturally in spite of his nervousness, and say. “Shouldn’t you be, like…helping out your noona right now? Or speaking to ‘her’ in that case…I’m still in my bathing robe, you know…I need to dress…”

He laughs again. “You didn’t have to say that…and yeah, I helped noona enough, and spoke to her too…”

I frown. “But really Won Bin…I have to dress…”

“Okay okay, you really don’t have to say that though…”

I smile. “Okay…I’ll be going then….take good care and yes, practice on the mirror, don’t come up with anything lame, okay?”

He laughs. “Yeah sure. And I’m sure I won’t…catch you later then, bye!”

“Bye!” I say back, bringing a cheerful edge to my voice and try as hard as I could to not to feel dead when the line goes the same. I gulp hard. Could this be our last friendly conversation together? I really don’t want it to be so, though. At least we can still be friends…he really shouldn’t push me out of his life afterwards, unaware to him, I will be devastated…

 

I let out a long sigh, pressing my palm against my chest, putting out my stress, nervousness, frustration, whatever and get up on my feet. This is my fate after all…who ever the girl is, she’s just so lucky to have someone like him…

In case Hong Gi will barge into the house any moment, I quickly dress up and pull on a simple dress over me before I walk out of the room. In the kitchen, I see the other three already up, grandma making breakfast with oppa while, as always aunt Mi-Ja is staring into a blank space with her morning paper unfolded before her on the table. The typical Saturday morning in our house.

Seeing me coming through, both oppa and granny greet me with a smile.

“Today’s the wedding ceremony right?” Oppa asks as I bring the steamed pot of rice onto the table. I place it on a mat and nod. “Yeah…around at twelve…you’re taking me right?”

He nods with a smile. “Yeah, sure…at his house right? I know the place”

“But why can’t he just come and pick you up?” Grandma asks, wiping her hands on the cloth she’s wearing. “He’s not much of an arrogant boy as I saw him…”

I shake my head. “Ani…He’s just a little busy before the ceremony, that’s why…”

She nods and hands a bowl of soup to me so that I can place it on the table as well. “Rich weddings….only the others suffer for them…”

I say nothing, since I don’t get the difference anyway, and sit down with a rice cup and a spoon. Quickly I get myself a full cup of steaming white rice and cabbage Kimchi, without a word, I stuff a mouthful of rice and swallow down a spoonful of soup along with it. In the whole process, I almost choke and die. When I lift my head, I see all three pairs of eyes watching me with widened eyes.

“Wae? Do you want to choke and die?” Grandma asks, her eyes still widened as though she’s seeing the most horrifying sight ever. I shake my head and swallow hard. “Ani…some of my friends are coming around”

“Jinja?” She asks, with genuine interest. “But aren’t you going to the wedding soon?”

I nod and speak through my full mouth. “I am…they will be just helping me to dress up…”

She glares at me with furrowed brows. “Don’t speak with food in your mouth little devil! You will do the same at the wedding!”

Oppa finds it really amusing that he begins to laugh. I say nothing but continue to eat. What? They have no idea why exactly I’m going there anyway.

Around fifteen minutes later, an unfamiliar silver car parks before my house, I only see it when I’m out, watering the plants, and it turns out that they are finally here. I greet them with a massive smile.

“Sorry that we are late” Hong Gi says with a smile as I lead them inside the house. “that Ha Ra over their went shopping in the morning to get make up!”

I roll my eyes. “Seriously guys! You don’t have to do this much!”

Jong Hun laughs and pats me on my back. “Just thought you better look pretty for him…”

I smile, not really comprehending why I should be so, I mean, the backup person doesn’t HAVE to look pretty!

Hearing the voices in the hallway, Granny and Mi Ja hurries out of the kitchen, and unlike how I expected, she greets them with a massive smile.

“Aigoo! Aigoo!! Look at our Lee Joone’s friends!” She says and wipes her hands before she hurries towards us, the four of them begins to bow at once.

“Aigoo! I didn’t know our little devil had this many friends!” She says happily and reaches Jong Hun, but I’m faster.

“Ah! Yes…granny, but only Ha Ra and Hong Gi are my friends, the other two are Won Bin’s” I say and drag him towards my room. “They’ll be fine!” I say, ignoring their weird looks and begin to push them in, one after another. “They’ll be JUST fine!”

“What was that about?” Jong Hun asks as I close the door behind me, I let out a long sigh. “Don’t ask me…she will never let you be…”

Hong Gi makes a face. “Wae? That was my first time meeting her!”

I frown. “You don’t want to, pretty boy…ask Won Bin if you want….he knows”

He smiles. “No wonder…”

“Mwo?”

“Nothing…”

I say no more and turn to Ha Ra. “So…what was your plan again?”

She smiles sweetly and holds her bag in the air. “Makeover!”

An hour or so later, I find myself standing before those who helped me into this, smiling shyly, not wanting to look at those faces filled with strange wonder. It was Ha Ra who did most of it, and half way through it occurred to me that the guys came around just for their mere indulgence, I mean, what do guys have to do with make-overs? It’s a girl thing! But in that case, Hong Gi did help me a bit, mostly in taking the curlers off my hair and in complimenting while Minhwan and jong Hun sat on my bed doing absolutely nothing but playing games on their phones. It’s after I completely dressed up that they all got on feet, and everything seems so awkward around me now.

“I really really do envy him Joonie! You’re an angel! It’s a waste if he doesn’t see so…” Says Hong Gi, I smile, but don’t dare to look into his face. I only look down at the shining stones on my shoe. I’ve never felt this so awkward in my life!

Or happy….or prettier…the feeling I have at this very moment is simply unexplainable.

“I’m going to kill him if he doesn’t like you back…” Jong Hun says with a smile. “He will be a total loser…”

“Exactly!” Minhwan says while holding Ha Ra’s hand, so confidently doing it since I have accepted their relationship. “He will be a total loser”

“Thanks…” I mutter slowly and push back a curl of my hair before looking up. “But not even a chance of that happening….I’m back-up plan, remember?”

Ha Ra gently punches me on my arm. “You’re so negative aren’t you?”

I frown. “That’s not being negative, that’s being real”

“And that’s crap” Hong Gi adds. “You rather do the croco laugh instead?”

“Yeah right…he’s not a loser though…he likes a girl, so he’s not…” I say, backing him up from the start, but strangely, nobody speaks but only smile. I don’t get it what’s wrong with them, okay, in Ha Ra’s case, there’s nothing she love more than doing make-overs on me, she’d go on trying things on my face until I die if she has to…and Hong Gi, well, he might have come along to see me in the dress once more, but whatever the plan is, I don’t get it. I mean, seriously! Back up plans do not need to look pretty, nor do they need more people backing up on them, but in this case, well…I don’t get it…I still don’t get it…not only that..I don’t get it why I’m feeling as though I’m a fool, even. All I get it that I’m backing up for him, just as he asked me to, because he doesn’t want to get caught, confessing to her, and that’s all I care for.

The five of us walk out of my room, and seeing me, oppa rushes towards me.

“Lee Joone! You’re ready already?” He asks. I nod with a smile. He widens his eyes. “You look exactly like mum! Exactly the same!”

“I do?” I ask, surprised to hear it for the second time. He smiles. “Yeah…she’d be so happy if she could see you right now”

I nod but say nothing. “Anyway,” I ask after a while. “Where are granny and Mi Ja?”

He nods at the door. “Went to Dongdaemun…they wanted to see you, but you were taking so long so they left…”

“Ah…well…”

“Anyway” Says Jong Hun, glancing at his watch. “Aren’t you getting late?”

I nod and look at my brother. “Will you take me?”

“By taxi?” Hong Gi asks, looking unsatisfied. I nod. I see the three guys looking at one another, and jong Hun turns to me. “Why don’t you come with us if it’s alright? We can drop you there?”

I widen my eyes, relief sweeping through me. “Jinjayo? Can you?”

Hong Gi nods and takes my hand. “That’s what friends are for! If it’s okay with hyung…”

Oppa nods. “Of course it is! Saves me some trouble there…will you be fine Joonie?”

I nod and wrap my fingers through Hong Gi’s. “Yeah sure! I’ll be fine…”

He nods. “Okay then…call me when things are done okay?”

“Yeah yeah, I will…” I assure him, and with a brief goodbye, we all leave the house together and climb into the car which is parked up on the slope which is claimed to be of Jong Hun’s. He forces me to take the front seat, saying that I might ruin the makeup and my wavy hair-do, so I do as I’m told, and soon, having my heart beating so hard in my throat, the car drives away, and as he does, my mind begins to wonder if my life will be the same as it is now, by the end of the day. And for some strange reason, an intuition keeps on telling me that it won’t. After today, after this event today, my life will never be the same. But only, I can’t decide how different it might be from how it is now…no matter how far I think it through, my mind doesn’t come up with anything of the sort. No, my mind is too busy to come up with any. My mind doesn’t work at all…

 

 

 

It has been ages since an occasion really took place at the Oh households that it took Won Bin a while to get used to the busy atmosphere around the house. But now things has partially come to an end, he has gotten used to it during the past few days during which he had to skip band practices and help out his sister with what has to be done. This is actually a moment he has feared for ever since his sister got engaged. It only meant, for him that he will be left alone with nobody to turn to, he will be isolated and neglected, he will be turned down by his parents no matter what, he will lead a life which nobody knows of, but now, the thought of her leaving  him doesn’t bother much. He’s happy for her. He remembers how she fantasized to him about her marriage one day, he remembers how he begged her to take him along, but now, it really doesn’t matter because he now knows that from today, he will have her, and she’s enough of a person for him to turn to.

He’s nervous, he’s just so nervous that he doesn’t even hear when one calls him only being a few feet away from him. His mind is somewhere far away, counting the minutes and seconds until the time she finally arrives. It’s as though he can’t wait. The time seems to go slower when he’s not with her but faster when he has her in his sight and grasp, then he’d want it to be slower, but now that she’s not here, he wants the time to move on.

He’s in a dark blue suit with a crisp white shirt and a blue striped coat underneath. He had to cut his hair a bit shorter since his sister thought he looked like a girl with it down to his shoulder that now it is only long down his neck, sticking out all over the place no matter how hard he try to keep it neatly brushed to a side. It’s has gradually grown to be warm, the ambiance of the city and he can assume how warm it could get as the afternoon approach, he can’t figure out how he will survive being under this many layers of cloth, but he will have to somehow put through it.

The ceremony starts at twelve, and every now and then, he glances at his watch, sitting in a chair which he and the workers placed this morning, in his garden, in the green lawn where the wedding ceremony will take place. The place has already begun to get crowded as the sun goes high above his head, spreading its warmth all over the place as it does. And as the time reaches to the point, he begins to get impatient. Watching the crowd streaming through the gate, cars parking before the gate with high class women climbing down, and his mind starts to run all over the place and many assumptions begin to run into his mind. What if she has thought of not coming given it that what she thinks is him confessing to the girl of her imagination, what if she doesn’t come thinking she would hurt herself? He’s sure he never will, she will understand only when she knows, but what if she never turns up? She will never know the truth…and he will be devastated. What if she turns up when the ceremony has begun? It will be more of a risk having a guest unknown to his parents, and if she does look pretty like she said in the morn when he called, they will sense something, he will never be able to hide her away from them.

Along with all these thoughts, his heart begins to beat madly in his throat, and no matter how hard he tries to gulp down the pulses, nothing seems to work, he has become completely hopeless already. He lifts his sleeve and looks down at his watch; its eleven forty five already, and the ceremony will start any minute from now. She must be here; she must turn up before it’s too late…

More and more crowd stream inside, the wedding planning staff collects the invitation at the gate and marks down the invitees before sending them through, and while his eyes are plastered on the girl who is checking the invitees, oblivious to him, a silver car parks before the gate, and a girl with excessive beauty climbs down; he still doesn’t know.

Just how all the guests do, she too, joins the line where they are checked and taken in. she’s wearing her brightest smile, the artificial curls of her hair has made it look shorter, but yet, she’s still the same. She moves as the line does.

Having seen her features million times, for real and in his deepest dreams, it doesn’t take much for him to see the beautiful angel-like girl that he loves walking down the stone path, her face covered with confusion, her eyes searching through the crowd in a hurry, and for a moment, the real owner of those innocent, confused eyes doesn’t move, he’s unable to because he’s mesmerized, just so mesmerized by the angelic splendour before his eyes, and the thought that he will now truly own her, keeps him glued to the spot. Even when he gets up on his feet, he doesn’t feel it if he ever moved. It’s as though he’s in a trance for a while, but he breaks through. She’s confused, and it’s him whom she needs right now.

He doesn’t waste any more time but gets up on his feet and quickly rushes through towards her, and when he’s close enough, he reaches out and takes her hand. She jumps with surprise and turns to him.

He greets her putting up his biggest smile. “Hey! You came? I was waiting for you…”

She smiles back and nods. “So you okay?”

He looks away and let out a sigh. “Yeah…kind of…”

“You look pretty nervous…” She comments, looking quit nervous herself, and he wonders how obvious she makes herself look. He feels his feelings arousing at the sight of her; he slowly wraps his fingers around her wrist.

“Come on…we’ll sit before the ceremony starts”

She nods. “Sure…”

“Will she be sitting with us?” She asks as he leads her to one of the chairs in the line. He shakes his head, feeling quit sad. “We can’t sit together…I have to be in the front line for the ceremony with…Hyun-A…Mianne…will you be fine alone?”

She stares at him for a while, making his heart swell with sadness and slowly she nods. “But what about her?”

He smiles. “She said she’d be fine…”

“I can keep an eye on her if you want…you know…sit with her…keep her in company…”

Won Bin shakes his head. “Ani…she’s got her friends….can’t bother you anymore…”

She smiles and lays a hand on his arm. “Aniya~! It’s not a bother! It’s fun…actually…”

He only smiles. In fact, the more he looks at her, the more he lose his senses; she that beautiful for him to care. She has curled her hair, which has given her a richer look, but none of her real features are covered up, they all are just so perfectly revealed. Her shining big eyes are even more beautiful and shines even more at the dim light, her lips curled in a slight but a constant smile and she always keeps her hands folded in her lap as she watches who passes by. Soon she turns to him and smiles.

“Tried a new hairdo?” She asks, flicking a finger at one of the red chunks of hair sticking out. He smiles and shyly run his hands through it. “Yeah…well, noona said I looked like a girl…”

Surprising him, she breaks out laughing. “Gosh! You did! Now that I’m seeing you like this, you did look like a girl!”

He raises his brows. “I did?”

She nods with a wide smile. “Yeah….well, you looked good though…but now you look fabulous!”

He smiles. “And you look…pretty…” He says, simply, but he feels as though what he just said makes no sense at all. How can she ever ‘look’ pretty? She’s always so beautiful in his eyes!

“Anyway…where is she? I really was looking forward to meet her…” She asks, running her eyes all around the place, and he’s sure she’s seeing many girls of his age all over the place, and maybe even she must be assuming it’s one of them. He too, pretend to look around and finally says with a smile. “She must be around…she has her…friends…”

“Oh…” Lee Joone says with a smile. “I will meet her soon right?”

“Yeah…you will…soon…”

 

It’s a few minutes later that he sees Jae Jin making his way through holding hands with Mi-yeon, just how he expected. He sees them from a far and makes a small wave, and soon Jae Jin approaches them, wearing the biggest smile ever. And then again, not failing to his expectations, Lee Joone widens her eyes, her jaw practically falls slack, and he can think of nothing more adorable.

“Joonie noona! Hello!” He greets her, holding Mi Yeon’s hand tightly in his. “Hyung said you were coming”

Lee Joone says nothing for a moment, and finally makes a slight smile. “Oh…Hello…Jae Jin…”

Her eyes turn involuntarily to the girl standing beside him. “Hello!” she greets her too, her smile never fading away. Jae Jin smiles and pulls Mi-Yeon closer to him.

“Sorry that I never mentioned to you…noona..this is Mi-Yeon”

Lee Joone nods and gets up on her feet. “Hello Mi-Yeon…Nice to meet you…And don’t be upset that I didn’t know….I’m not much of a maknaes dater…so I guess you’re older to him…”

Mi Yeon smiles and touches her hand. “Ah, well….we’re two years apart…Jinnie told me a lot about you…”

“Really?” Lee Joone says, sounding excited. “How sweet of him!”

Won Bin watches them, feeling so light underneath seeing her smiling so often, and in his eyes, she’s an angel, an angel whom he must own.

He’s so engrossed in watching the three of them, while sitting back on his own, that he hardly ever notices his mother, watching him from a far. It’s only when she sends him a person from the wedding planning agency asking for him that it finally occurs to him, he has to go, the ceremony’s about to start.

He gets up on his feet, gaining the attention of the two girls along with Jae Jin’s, and he walks to him, he speaks into his ear so that the girls won’t sense anything.

“Stay with her…I’ll come around when this ends…”

Jae Jin, as though he’s his faithful worker, nods with a smile. “Trust me on that, hyung…You can trust me on that…”

Won Bin smiles and pats on his shoulder before he walks down towards the front seats where he’s supposed to be sitting with Hyun-A (Who hasn’t luckily arrived yet) and his parents. He doesn’t forget to give his smile to Lee Joone before he leaves her, although his heart doesn’t want to… he walks away and position himself in the awkward moment of sitting on his own under his mother’s deep glare which is simply so inevitable for him, he knows what exactly it means, but he doesn’t care. Lee Joone’s right. This is his life, his life which nobody can take control of.

And soon, the ceremony begins.

 

 

 

At this very moment, as the confetti rains all over the place, as the crowd cheers their lungs out and as the bride and the groom walks down the aisle with their happiest smile, I come to a decision for my life. I will, I WILL get married one day, to whomever, I don’t know…it’s for my fate to decide, but one day, when I’ve found him, the perfect man, my partner for life, I will do it, I will marry him, and have a fabulous wedding of the deepest depths of my dreams. It just became the greatest, biggest wish of my life.

Seeing Yoo Bin noona looking so beautiful in a simple white dress, her veil moving along like an eternal waterfall as she walks, he brightest smile and her glittering eyes which showed her obvious happiness that she has entered an all new life, it brings tears in my eyes. Is it for the happiness for her? Is it that all of this seems so far away when it comes to my life? I can’t figure out. The tears flows down, the cheering goes on, the wedding band plays, the ceremony ends, and that’s pretty much all I know.

When the ceremony ends, the occasion moves on to the wedding reception, and we’re all given a place to sit, a round table where a bouquet of white orchids is kept in a jar. Jae Jin, Mi Yeon and I are seated in one table, and upsetting me, Won Bin’s nowhere in the sight.

I dart my eyes all over the place, trying to catch the glimpse of a girl that I might know of, or seen before, just to be certain. At some point, I even think it might even be Ha Ra, but then again, he was not much into her all from the beginning, I can’t even imagine how he might fall for her although Minhwan did…okay, and that’s a completely different story…

No matter how hard I search through the crowd, laying my eyes into any of the girls, trying to grasp a feature that I’m familiar with, or which can possibly catch Won Bin’s attention, but I don’t succeeded…yeah well…it’s not like I have any idea the kind of girls that Won Bin goes for…at the end, I feel completely so hopeless. I simply lay my hand on the table and stare into the embroidery of the table cloth, without having much in my mind…Okay, I AM quit pissed off…I mean, he couldn’t have just disappeared! He must be here, somewhere around here, staring at that special girl so longingly…waiting for a chance and waiting until his courage gathers up so that finally he can tell her everything…

But, as it’s happening now, nothing seems to work out. He has disappeared, there’s no sign of that girl, and even though she’s here, I don’t know who she is, and I’m here, although I’m here to cover up for him, I’m being of absolutely no use. I might as well just go home…He can’t be doing this to me! I mean…or…maybe he’s so nervous that he can’t build up his courage to do it…maybe he’s hiding away until he finally gather up his courage to do it…
But then again, if he is…shouldn’t he be here with me? He knows he can speak to me! Won’t the things be better if he does? Then get done with it so that I can go home and deal with the outburst of my feelings later on, and I’m sure it is not going to be very pleasant, but what really matters here is him, and I won’t give a damn for what I feel as long as he’s happy…but only he’s not even here…

But my eyes never lie, they never does because before even I can order my senses to do it, they just simply move about, and further away from I sat, they catches him, standing way far from me, in the middle of the lawn…with his noona, her husband…and Hyun-A…

For a moment, I don’t move, I stay frozen to the moment, trying to put everything in the rightful order. But no matter how hard I try, all I sense is that nothing’s going on in the way how they should. If he’s here, searching for a moment to confess, waiting for the perfect moment to take her away and convey all his true feelings to her…not…
It only seems as though he’d rather stand back and wait, holding hands with Hyun-A, the girl he doesn’t even have feelings for.

And I feel hopeless, completely hopeless, No…useless, more likely, he doesn’t even care for my existence…that…I can’t help it, I mean…I’m the last person who can expect him to know that I exist…

I let out a long sigh, seeing how Hyun-A, who looks beautiful than ever before in a slim white dress, keeps on squeezing his hand, having herself squeezed against him. I see him smile, laugh occasionally and bow as people come by and speak to him. The more I watch him, the more my heart gives me painful . Why can’t he sense any of it? Is he this inhumane? Why can’t he just get it done with before I really break into tears, unable to bear the fact that I’m losing him for real?   

He’s a paboya, that’s the problem he has. He’s a paboya who doesn’t understand what he shall do or shouldn’t do…or maybe he doesn’t have the guts, he doesn’t have the confidence to actually convey his true feelings, he’d rather keep it hidden inside him and pretend like he doesn’t care. Although I always thought he is just so great, he really isn’t…He should have confessed long before! If he had the guts, he would have done so, and it’s because he doesn’t have it that he still hasn’t done it, and oblivious to hm, he’s actually hurting another….he’s breaking a promise that he has given another…

Seeing me, probably seeing it that I’m not in a good mood at the moment, Jae Jin whispers something to Mi Yeon and finally calls me. I swiftly turn to him.

“Gwenchana?” He asks with genuine concern. I nod. I lie to him. “Nae…just a little tired…”

“You looked fine in the morning…is something bothering you?”

I shake my head and force a smile. “Ani…Gwenchana…Anyway…you know why I’m here right?”

He makes a face. “Attending Yoo Bin noona’s wedding?”

I shake my head. “Wae? Didn’t…Won Bin hyung tell you…?”

He looks blank for a moment, looks at Mi Yeon, and as if he just remembered something, he turns back to me. “Ah! Yes…He told me…”

I lift my head and search through the crowd. “So, is she here…? You know her?”

Jae Jin remains silent for a few more seconds and lets out a slight laughter. “She must be here…around here…somewhere…”

I sigh and look down at my hand on the table. “I want to see her…wonder she’s cute…”

Jae Jin laughs again. “She IS cute! Hyung always go for the cute type…”

“I never knew…” I say, still not moving my eyes off my hands, and along with another long sigh, I look up, my eyes swiftly lands on Won Bin who is still in the lawn, but for my surprise, his eyes are on me. At the sight of me having my eyes on him, he slightly smiles; I turn away, embarrassment flowing through me. He must have thought I intended to look at him! (Although I did which he shall not know…)

I see Jae Jin’s eyes on me, he raises his brows. “There’s something so not right with you…”

I shake my head. “Aniya~! I’m alright….”

Suddenly something started giving an irritating buzz. Jae Jin, as though he has been waiting for it, quickly buried his hand in his pocket, pulls out his phone, and runs his eyes over it a few times. Then he turns to Mi Yeon. The two of them seems to pass some kind of telepathic message between them, only with their eyes, and suddenly Jae Jin gets up on his feet. He turns to me.

“Got to go for a while…Won Bin hyung has someone to meet me…will be back soon okay?”

I nod, forcing a smile, but his sudden action confuses me. Could it be that…he’s finally going to do it? But Jae Jin gives away nothing at all. Only with a slight smile spread across his lips, he gives a slight wave at the both of us and hurries towards Won Bin who’s busy chatting a pair of guys who looks exceptionally alike. I watch them, I must be looking desperate, but I have no idea how I can help myself…only if it will ever occur to Won Bin that he’s hurting me so much…

Mi Yeon is the kind of a girl whom one can like the moment one meets her. There’s no wonder that Jae Jin’s actually dating her, she’s the kind of a girl who suits him perfectly well. She’s small and adorable with thick black hair down to her shoulders and a pair of tiny brown eyes. She prefers to smile a lot, like, all the time, she smiles along while she speaks and adds a small laugh at the end of the sentence if it sounds like a laughing matter for her, and prefers to speak a lot. She’s a good conversation starter to begin with, and has the kind of a voice which immediately drags one’s attention and keeps it until the end, a great conversationalist she is. And speaking with her actually keeps my mind off the matters for a while up to a certain extent so I go on speaking to her.

“So…like, are you and Won Bin actually dating?” She asks me at one point, and this simple question makes my heart swell. The fact that it’s beyond a dream for me hits me in a way that nothing has ever hurt me before. But I try my best to keep calm and straight, never letting my smile go away.

“Not really…” I answer, not putting much feeling into it. “We’re just band mates…plus, he has a girl he likes…I’m just helping him out with it…you know…supervising is a hard job…”

“I see…” She answers with a smile. “Jae Jin told a lot about you…He says you go through a lot for them…”

“Yeah…well…I think it just worth it…they never fail to return what I’m doing for them…comparing to what they have done for me…what I do is nothing…”

Mi Yeon shakes her head. “Really, Lee Joone….at times, in the way that he talks about you, I feel as though he loves you a lot more than he loves me…”

I smile. “Well, that can’t be…he seems to like you a lot…”

She smiles back, and I catch a hint of a secret message in her eyes in the way she looks at me. “I know he does…all you need to do is find it out yourself…”

I let out a chuckle. “Really? How do you do that?”

“Simple” She says and runs her hand up and down on the stem of the champagne glass she just got served with, staring dreamily into the golden liquid inside. “Look into his eyes….see if it’s always looking at you…see if it has this odd shine whenever he does….look back at times when he helps you….he might be all ready to help you no matter what…” Mi Yeon looks into my face and begins to search for something in it. “Look at the way he smiles…’has it changed…?’…And then sense the edge in the way he speaks…does he sound milder? Does he prefer to smile more often? ...And gradually you will begin to know it….” She smiles widely, pausing on her hand which is still on the glass. “See? It’s simple as long as you believe it…”

I stare at her for a while, trying to comprehend it all, but when I fail to do so, I laugh. “Well that sounds like a very hard process!”

She makes a face. “Wae? It’s easy! That’s how I got to know that Jae Jin had feelings….and when I made it clear…”

I widen my eyes. “What did you do?”

She lets out a sweet laughter. “I asked him, ‘Do you have something to tell me Jae Jin…?’” She looks away, her eyes showing it that she’s drifting into some kind of a trance. “It was on the Christmas eve…I was on the way to his house…our families know each other…we have known each other since childhood so we were to spend the Christmas eve together…But on the way, I saw him sitting all by himself in the play ground…he was freezing, bundled up in so many layers of cloth…it didn’t take much for me to recognize him…I walked to him, and asked…”

She smiles widely at her memory and looks down into her untouched glass of champagne. “I still remember him staring into my face…I saw it, that weird, alien shine…and he nodded. ‘What is it?’ I asked and take his cold hand in mine. He stared into my eyes even more, and muttered adorably…’I’ve been building up my courage to tell you for a long long time…saranghae noona…’

“I remember how I felt like that night…and we kissed in the snow, and I was sure, I will never forget that moment…I still haven’t, it still is so solid in my heart…we’ve been dating for nearly an year now…”

She finally looks at me, and smiles. “That’s how love starts…Lee Joone…you shouldn’t always wait for it…you must search for it…”

I nod with a smile and unload all my inner feelings with a long sigh, my eyes, again moving towards where Won Bin is, still speaking to the guys who’re looking so much alike, the conversation has now been joined by Jae Jin. I see him smile, the most breathtaking smile that I could have ever imagined in my life, it’s just so beautiful, and when he smiles, I sense it there’s a more to it than being just a smile. For someone who hardly ever smiled before, he’s so different…he’d smile, and whenever he does, there’s a meaning into it, a hidden message, something that he sincerely means, but only he’s so far from me that I can hardly grasp what it is. There is an odd shine in his eyes too…but certainly not the kind of shine that Mi Yeon means…it’s different…its his happiness, that’s all I sense in it, it’s his mere happiness that gives the platinum shine in them. I did sense something different in his tone, he does sound milder than he used to do…but then again, it’s in the same mildness that he told me about her, so certainly it has nothing to do with me although I wish it does…so how can I ever find love in him, a love which is only meant for me? He’s just so complicated for me to understand.

Without even my awareness, I have begun to speak. “He’s just so wonderful…isn’t he…?” I ask, from myself or from Mi Yeon, I can’t tell. But my eyes are yet watching Won Bin although it is from a far. “He still doesn’t know it…” I let out a small laugh. “What a pabo….why does he think she doesn’t like him? What a paboya!”

I see him bending down as he laughs at something, heartlessly holding Hyun-A’s hand. He has a wonderful laughter…really! I can sit and listen to him laugh as long as he would let me to…it’s as much as entertaining as it is when he sings…even more…maybe, because whenever he laughs, it only means his genuine happiness…

Unaware to me, I too, begin to laugh. It’s as though I’m running out of my mind, but I don’t care…

“I wonder what he’s laughing at…I want to laugh along too…”

I sigh and rub my hand and finally let out a long sigh…I want to do it too…I want to search for any kind of love within him…

“Lee Joone…” I hear Mi-Yeon’s distance voice. I don’t turn to her, afraid that I will miss a think if I blink once. She calls me again. “Joonie…”

“Nae?” I answer, still having my eyes on Won Bin.

“I think Jae Jin was right…You…you like Won Bin…don’t you…?”

My heart stops at her words; I rip my eyes off him for once and turn to her.

“Won Bin…you like him…never deny it that you do…Lee Joone…loving someone is not a mistake, or a trouble…it’s a gift…”

I widen my eyes and stare into her face for a while, finding myself completely speechless. And before even I could stop it, words begin to spill out of me, it’s as though I am being forced to do it, or exploding…I don’t know…I can’t decide what exactly it is, but go on…I tell her everything, every single detail from the point where we met, how I got myself in the band, and how I gradually got closer to until the point where I fell head over heels in love with him. I can’t stop myself, I can’t figure out a way to do so…I’m so hurt, feeling rejected, I feel as though I’m a complete fool to help him own another girl, trying to pull myself away from him on my own even when I have every possible way to get closer to him even more. Maybe it’s unluck, or fate, I can’t decide what which made of me to be this way, to deny it and lie to myself on my own. I will never be alright, I will never be fine to know it that he’s not in my grasp, to know he can’t love me, to know I can’t love him anymore either. I went through a lot for him, I rejected a love, a sincere love which is only meant for me and also try to lie to myself thinking I will be alright seeing his happiness, but deep inside, I know, I know it so severely that it will leave a great wound within me, a wound which will never heal, because I know it was me who got it for myself. Why do I have to deny it? Love can never be undone. Once you love him, you always will…what point is there for me to deny it? It’s not a crime…a wrong…why will I ever deny it?

So I tell her…everything, every single detail I tell Mi Yeon all about it, and I don’t try to stop myself anymore. I see no point of doing it….so I go on….

…I go on until I have come to this point…this point, this moment where I’m about to cry…because the reason why I’m actually here is to help him confess his love to her…the girl he loves…and I’m doing it without giving any thought at all to how I will feel afterwards…I’m about to enter a world where I can’t love him anymore, but smile outside and grieve deeply inside in the depths of my heart, not ready to let him go.

When I’m on the edge of breaking into tears, Mi Yeon moves closer to me and takes my hand.

“There there…Don’t be upset….”

I shake my head, desperately. “How can I not be? I’m doing all this for him but I’m still a reject! How can I not unnie!”

She puts a hand on my shoulder. “Ssh…don’t be like that…I’m sure he’s not rejecting you…how could he? You’re a wonderful girl!”

“But I think she’s even better…he’s so happy when he speaks about her…I wanted to see him happy all the time…that’s why I promised to help him…but I’m a reject now. He needed me here today to do it, to confess to her…he promised me, but he’s not doing it…”

Mi Yeon silently rubs my hand as I try my best to keep myself from sobbing and end up crying soon. Now it all makes sense. He doesn’t even care…he’s not doing it, he’s not keeping the promise he made for me…
Oh how foolish I am to believe it if he ever would! He said he has to love her, which only means he doesn’t give a damn about me. Why will he ever even give a damn to keep a promise he made for me? He will reject me, he always will as long as he has her…

“Don’t cry Lee Joone…Ssh…it’s going to be alright…” Mi Yeon says gently into my ear, and her soft, gentle voice simply worsens it. I lift my head, but tears simply begin to flow down on my cheeks, and I know no way that I can stop it. And even when Jae Jin’s widened eyes lands on me, his lips parted with surprise, I can’t make myself stop it….and that’s when I see it…Won Bin has gone…he has disappeared…only Hyun-A is there standing at the spot he stood before…he has gone away from my sight.

This makes it even worse, and begins to burn my heart so severely that even before I can stop myself, I begin to cry. I see Mi Yeon’s panicked face through my blurry eyes, guilt has clouded her face but how can I blame her? She’s right. I’ve been trying to lie to myself all this time, I will never be alright. If he will ever drift away from me, although how hard I will try to convince myself, I will only hurt myself in the end, I’m hurt enough right now…and if this goes on, I have no idea how it will end up for me that day when things get worse.

I swiftly get up on my feet and make it down the stone path finding my way through my tear filled eyes. I don’t know where I’m going or what I shall do next. I’m here, crying in a crowd of people who I don’t even know, lost in them, receiving constant glances, some with anger, some with pity but none of them knows, nobody understands the pain that I feel right now. It’s unbearable; it’s unbearable to know the truth. I’ve been afraid to know it, to comprehend that one fact that I will never be able to bear it, but now that I know….now only I understand it, I will never be able to live through it. There’s no wonder that people are giving me glances and looks with eyes filled of nothing but pity. I can’t blame them for doing that to me, I can’t say it’s wrong…I’m a girl to receive pity…a girl who doesn’t receive the love that she wants, it’s pity that she deserves.

I walk as faster as I could, trying my best to not to trip and fall off my heels although I’m feeling dizzy and unbalanced. I increase my pace, the force I’m putting on my feet as I go and hold onto it until I’m fully out of the gate, fully out of anybody’s sight, until then I keep it all squeezed in within my, forcing all my tears, all my feelings into my paining heart and hold them there with all the force I can muster. I keep it all inside until I’m fully out of the pity glances, slow murmurs and whispers…I can’t bear it all on my own…

And when I’m out in the road, the very place that we first met, I try my best to not to let memories flow into my mind once more, hurting me even more than if already does. I cover my mouth with both trembling hands…my cries break through my heart but I never try to stop them. I let them break through; I open up so that all my feeling will flow through in the form of tears. I cry. As though my whole life depends on it, as though I will turn everything upside down and change things from how they are, as though this will ever do any better, as though this will heal the wounds that I have left inside, I cry. I close my eyes tight, I press my trembling fingers against my lips, I lean against the stone wall and cry in a way that I have never done before. Along with my tears, all my memories begin to flow back into my mind, to stop them from doing so, I have no other way. I let them through.

I remember the first time I met him..I thought it was imprinting. When he gave me that wonderful smile, I couldn’t think of anything more breathtaking, and that moment I told myself, we’re soul mates…I can feel it, we’re meant to be. Time went by, we fell on top of each other, we fought, I cried…he never cared…I met my next biggest challenge, a man who loves me for real…time went by, things happened….but even now I’m not sure of all which took place in that little period of time of only two months. Who did I get closer to? Who showed me the most affection? Whom did I want the most? I can’t tell…because the one that I want the most right now, he doesn’t care, he has broken the promise he made for me, he has gone, disappeared, and he doesn’t even care for how much he has hurt all through this.

“Paboya…” I mutter through my tears as I carry on crying, still leaning against the stone wall, still having no other option but to cry. “You’re a paboya Won Bin…You hurt me…you’re a pabo!”

I don’t care if my voice sounds too loud, I don’t care if the slow spring breeze will carry my words all throughout the crowded wedding reception, I don’t care if it will finally land in his ears, I mutter under my breath and cry.

It’s as though the whole world is cruel to me. Nobody comes in search for me, nobody cares for where I have gone to…The sun has already raised to the furthest point in the sky, gradually moving to the west, and soon the day will end…I will be still here…seconds, minutes, hours will pass by, but nobody will care. Just how cruel the sun is to me to shine so badly against my face giving unbearable ripples of light in my eyes, moving through my nerves until it hit the furthest depths in my eyes…everything, everybody’s so cruel to me…there’s no way that I can help it, for a foolish girl like I am…there’s no wrong with it to be so cruel-

“Lee Joone…?” A distance voice comes from the deepest depths of my heart…that unreal tone of it…so fake…sounding so real to me…oh how badly can my own heart fool me…

“Lee Joone...Gwenchana…?” The voice says again, sounding so clearly in my ears, but I won’t let myself fool me anymore…he never spoke to me so softly before…it was only how I heard it…only how it felt like in my ears…it’s only how I fooled myself…

“Aniya! Paboya! Get away from me!!” I scream at my heart which has fooled me enough already. I can’t let it fool me anymore-

“Lee Joone!” The voice says again. I cover my face completely with both my hands and mutter, wishing it will hear me at least this once.

“Get away from me you paboya! I don’t want to listen to you anymore…leave me alone…Don’t you know how much you hurt me?!?” I yell at my heart, but no matter how harshly I do, it isn’t my heart who answers, but a solid voice…a real…thick…yet so wonderful voice is what which answers, and the tone of it…the mildness of it…the hidden message of it which I can never understand…it makes it even worse…I cry even more.

I don’t know for how long I cried, I feel I do for million years, and in the end, I find no more tears to do so, and the presence of my heart which is silently bothering me, it doesn’t allow me to cry anymore. Although I want to do so, although my heart is not forcing me to stop, I stop. I finally stop crying; I take two long breaths in, close my stinging eyes for so long and relax myself against the cold stones on the wall. I feel like million years have passed in such a short period of time. I feel as though I have already neared my death…but no…million years have not passed…I can still feel the presence of my heart…I can still hear it, almost too clearly, reverberating in my lungs and veins I can hear it…the voice, the smooth gentle voice…

“Feeling better…? Lee Joone…?” The voice says so closer to me. I find myself nod although I don’t know why I did.

“You’re sure…?” the voice says again. I keep on hanging my head…I don’t have any desire to face anybody…

“Then let me see your face then…” Says the same voice, a strange tranquillity is hidden beneath it that it simply convinces me. It just simply convinces me to follow it. I take a long breath and finally lift my head.

I open my eyes…

…I swear…I swear if I had seen anything more beautiful, anything more breathtaking…I would have died because at this very moment, I’m not sure if I can keep myself alive…if this goes on, if my heart will go on pounding so harshly in my throat, giving strange…but lovely within me…I will most certainly die.

Before my eyes, shining brightly in the rising sunlight is the angel who just disappeared from my sight. He has appeared again, for some reason, he has materialized himself before me. He gives me his ever wonderful smile; I see the platinum shine, now so wonderfully clear under the gleaming sunlight. He stands before me, sunlight casting dark shadows on where his hair fell, he has buried his hands in his pockets, his tie undone, sleeves rolled up, his smile casts beautiful smooth dimples on the either sides of his cheeks; soon he walks towards me. Surprised by his sudden movement, unable to bear the pressure it is giving me, I press myself against the stone wall, my eyes unmoving, he pulls his hands out of the pocket and bears his eyes into mine.

“I’m going to do it….Lee Joone…I’m going to confess…”

I stare at him, trying to find my voice. ‘Go ahead’ I want to say. ‘Find her…bring her here…go ahead and tell her…I will cover up for you’ But I don’t…I just can’t…the moment doesn’t allow me to….confusion is sweeping through me like a fire and my nerves begins to malfunction. I’m not receiving the signals I should receive, by legs lose its balance, if not for the wall, I will fall…but I won’t fall...The moment, it allows me nothing, nothing at all.

“Let me tell you who it is….the girl I love…” He says, and as he gets closer, the shine in his eyes becomes more visible to me…’the odd shine’ something tells me underneath, but I’m still so far from believing it…

“The girl I love….” He says and moves even closer to me. Now I’m even more far from it…I’m so far from believing it…I’m so far from feeling anything…I’m in a dream… a dream which seems more or less…real to me…

He’s now even closer, almost touching, our eyes crossing, and he lays a soft, warm hand the skin of my right cheek. My eyes…they never move…they only watch it, the platinum shine inside the wonderful pair of light brown eyes, I see them smile.

“It’s her…Lee Joone…The paper girl…”

With this, making my heart stop beating, making my feet unstable, making my eyes go opaque, making my nerves malfunction, and gradually making my whole body go numb, he slowly closes the gap of seconds between us.

For a moment, I’m frozen to the spot, I’m frozen in the moment, it’s as though the time has now stopped moving, as though everything in this world has become still…everything except him…and me. I can’t feel anything. The burning sunlight, the slow spring breeze, the low music being played inside, they gradually begin to fade away until all I feel is him. He holds my face  in his hand, lifting it to him, his free hand is curling its fingers around my wrist, and he does it, he gives me the kiss that I have wished for many times, the kiss that I couldn’t receive before, the kiss that I’ve been waiting for…And my mind files through every message the softest tough of him is giving me. Whenever I open my eyes, I see his eyes watching me, whenever I see him; I’d close my eyes back again. Slowly, so slowly, I too, part my lips, and let him explore. The simplest touch of him, the sweet, vanilla like sensation overwhelms me, and I begin to return the wishful kiss he’s giving me with the smallest touch I can manage…and as the kiss goes on, I finally come to the furthest point, the point where I’m finally believing him.
It’s almost after ages as I feel it, that we finally break off…but we never move away. He remains to be in my grasp, slowly running his hand around my waist and lays his forehead against mine, his eyes watching me; the platinum shine seems more like gold or something in between up close. We’re breathless, after the passionate lock of a kiss, we both can’t find our words…for a moment, we remain the same. And slowly, things begin to occur in my mind. I clench my fist and gently hit him on his chest.

“You lied to me you paboya…You lied to me and it hurt me so bad…”

His hand slowly moves to mine and wraps his fingers around the hand with the clenched fist. “I never did…neaul pabo….I never lied to you…I kept my promise…”

I lift my eyes into his. “No you didn’t…you didn’t-,”

“Ssh...” He says in a low whisper and bears his eyes into mine. “Not yet….not yet…”

He moves in and kisses me once more. Although it’s only a peck, he makes it feel deeper and passionate…he moves away, putting me into the speechless moment once more and stares into my eyes. And in a slow voice, almost a whisper, he mutters.

“Saranghae”

His simple words, they just sound so precious to me, that one single word he says, it makes my whole world turn around, makes my heart bloom in a way that it has never done before. Like a rare flower blooming in the diligence of the spring, freshened with one single drop of a rain, and happily rising up into the sky…that’s how I feel…no…it can never be explained…sunflowers, springs rain, any of it will never be able to explain the wonderful feeling that he’s giving me, tears begins to fall down my cheeks once more, it’s not because of happiness, I know…I’ve been, once again, a fool. A fool to not to see, to not to comprehend love. For all this time he has been doing it all for me. Holding me, letting me shed all my tears on him, listening to whatever I have to say, holding my hand whenever I need it, giving me this wonderful smiles, coming for me, searching for me when he needs assistance, and finally, trusting me, believing me…it all, they have been for me…for the fact that he loved only the person whom he can give and take all. It’s me who has been the fool, not him. Mi Yeon’s right. I shouldn’t have waited for love, I should have searched for it, and then only I would have seen it. I would have seen why the song he wrote for the one he loved gives me tingles that nothing will even give me; I would have seen why he will be worried so much when I fall sick, when I’m unhappy and devastated. I would have seen it why my happiness is his happiness too. I would have seen why my small careless mistakes will hurt him so much, but will forgive me so easily. I would have seen why he trusted me so much, almost over his life that he will tell everything, he will come for me no matter what. But I saw none of it, I’m a fool. I saw nothing at all.

For the next few second, I stare into his eyes, watching the platinum shine and his irises growing and narrowing in the sunlight. I notice how beautiful they are, now I see what the ‘odd shine’ in the eyes which are ‘always watching me’ reads. I can see it so well. So I smile, after so long, I do. And going for my own new experience, I press both my hands against his shoulders and move to him without bothering much to close my eyes. But I never succeed to steal a passionate kiss of my own. He stops me.

“Chakkaman…” He says so softly. I immediately stop. He looks at me, gives me a slight smile and steps back. He buries his hand in his pocket and soon, produces a tiny purple hairpin in his hand. Ji Young’s hair pin. The one I gave him after what happened that night. I look into his face and smile. He smiles back, and slowly pushes back a lock of my curled hair, he slides the pin into it and fastens it. He finally drops his hands.

“Still the same?” I ask, remembering the reason why he got it for me. He smiles and touches my cheek. “Still the same”

I say nothing but wait for him to continue. And so he does, with the next most wonderful thing that I have ever heard.

“Still the same…because nothing in the world can make you look pretty, Lee Joone…You will always look beautiful in my eyes…”

I smile wider, feeling more and more flowers blooming inside me, all the doubts have gone. I move towards him, he puts his hands on my waist and almost kisses me. But suddenly remembering something, I stop him.

He says nothing, but steps back and watches me as I move my trembling hand to the top button of his shirt. I slowly flick it off, it reveals his smooth creamy-rich skin…and more than that, I see it, a tiny platinum chain has replaced the golden one he wore before, and on the middle of it, is a tiny platinum cat with a shining blue eyes. I finger it, lovingly, my hear burning in my throat. I look into his eyes, and smile. It’s him who finally finds his words.

“You are the wind…that bring brilliant colours that shine on me whenever I sway…”

I widen my eyes, not comprehending what his words means, but he runs his hands around my waist and carries on.

“if I can protect you, I will give you everything….the sound doesn't ring, but echoes in the heart….”

He whispers, and pulls me even closer to him. My heart again gives the hammering pressure in me.

“always loving you…That’s what Soyogi says…Lee Joone..You’re my slightest touch of wind which changed everything…within me…It’s you…you’re my soyogi…”

I smile. “Mianne…” I say in a whisper matching his tone. “I was the pabo…I was the one who couldn’t grasp any of it…I didn’t know….I didn’t see…but now…”

I raise my eyes into his, we bear our eyes into each other. “…Won Bin…I think…..I think I saw it….I think I saw…love”

With this he again gives me his wonderful smile, and circles his hand around me even more, dragging me, pulling me completely towards him. I run both my hands around his neck, run my fingers through the softness of his newly cut red hair, we both bear our eyes into each other’s once more, and slowly, the feather-light touch of our lips begins. I close my eyes, and all I happen to see is white…pink and white all around me. It’s as though I’m flying off to a world where Won Bin, I and only our love exists, where we can be this way forever, where we can own each other just how we wanted it to, just how we are fated to be…pink stars and hearts begin to fall around us as we stood clinked to each other, returning each other our passionate, deep yet tranquil kisses, and everything begins to fall into place, like a puzzle…everything’s solved…everything’s alright, as though nothing can change it, nothing can penetrate it, everything has become how they should be…nothing will ever go bad…
And so, the kiss goes on…

 

 

The eye of a camera is full of wonder. It’s so full of it that at times it can control the one who uses it, it will fill him with a strange urge, some sort of a hunger to seek the natural beauty, to see things in the way how they are.

There’s no wonder when the eye and the lens of the cameraman of the wedding today catches a hearting sight in the corner of the road. The union of a young man and a girl is always beautiful…it’s the beginning of a new era of their lives…which will one day, end up just how it did for the bride today, bringing it to another new era…and this beauty, the wonder of a uniting couple, I just catches the cameraman’s heart…A couple, a couple consisting two beautiful youngsters…what wonder is there that the wonderful sight simply found itself a place a few times in the reel?