It has always been one of my crazy fantasies to sit beside a gorgeous guy in a posh car and drive around, I have already had that dream coming true, but that time I thought it wasn’t right, but when I’m here having being given the same treatment from the guy I think I like, even that doesn’t feel right either. Though the last time wasn’t right, it gave me…a feeling…I don’t know…But now…I really don’t feel it anymore…

But Hong Gi’s such a give-in. He just keeps on making me want to like him; he has got a charisma that I have never seen in any other guy. He’s always smiling and always makes me smile, and I love it. He’s a dream guy, he truly is. A star which can forever and always brighten one’s day.

But the thought of really dating him, the thought of having him made my boyfriend…for some reason…it doesn’t feel right…I really feel odd…as though I’m…hurting somebody and I’m not sure whom…am I hurting the boys by doing this? I saw how against they were when I left…why will they be so upset that their noona is finally going out on a date? Is it that…

…One of them…likes…me…?

I shake my head like a mad woman at that thought. Why would anyone? Really! All of them are simply so perfect…whereas…I’m nothing compared to them…even if any one of them liked me, I can’t like him back I’m their supervisor for heaven’s sake!

Okay…now no crazt thoughts…back to the date…

Hong Gi loves to put the radio on whenever he’s driving, and he plays his own songs most of the time and sings along which is really entertaining, and even now he’s playing a sone called ‘love is…’ and sings along. I clap when the song ends.

“Wow! That was fabulous Hong Gi-ah!” I say praisingly. He gives me his biggest smile. “I like the part, ‘You’re so beautiful to me…’ it always reminds me of you…”

I smile, feeling guilty again. I don’t know why I do…but…

No…I like him and only him…live in this moment Lee Joone!

“It does…?” I ask. “That is so sweet of you…”

He smiles, looking ahead. “Maybe it’s because you ARE really beautiful…shouldn’t even mention that…it’s obvious that you are…”

“Never occurred to me though…” I say, my voice sounding far away. “Nobody liked me until…” I trail off, wondering why I’m even saying that…how do I know if he likes me or not?

“Nobody has ever mentioned that before…well…my maknaes did….but that doesn’t mean…much…” I change what I said before, and look down, my face turning red. Hong Gi’s silent for a moment, and says at last…

“I…do mean it…really…mean it…with all my heart…you are beautifull…”

Afterwards, the ride goes on only with songs playing on the radio, him singing slowly along with it, and soon we arrive by the city hospital. Since grandma asked me to go meet oppa tonight, I asked Hong Gi whether he can take me, he happily accepted it, he said he can spare some time for it, so here we are.

“Okay…let’s go!” He says cheerfully when we’re both out in the parking lot of the hospital. It has been around two weeks since oppa was admitted for residential treatments, and his doctor said he’s doing considerably well, but they’re still on alert for another attack. They come and go, but the attacks can be severe at some points, so  he said he still recommend surgery, but I can’t give in. I’m praying for god if he’d survive without one, what money do I have for a surgery?

“Your brother…” Hong Gi asks cautiously as we walk down the wet path towards the entrance. “How…sick…is he?”

I still haven’t told him what sickness oppa has, but now that he’s visiting him with me, he has to know anyway.

I take a deep breath and smile slightly. “He…he has got a case of…QT syndrome…it’s a heart failure…his heart….stops…at some points….”

“Oh…” He says looking concerned. “I hope he will get well soon…”

I nod. “I hope so too…”

After a few minutes long walk, we both enter the hospital, and soon we’re lead to oppa’s room. I take in a long breath filled of hospital scent into my lungs and turn to Hong Gi. “You should come too…I want to introduce you to him…”

“Okay, sure…I want to meet your brother too…”

And together we enter his room to find him happily reading a comic, sitting up right still being in his sleeping position. At the sight of us, he gives us his biggest smile and sits straight, putting away his book.

“I knew my little sister will come around today!” He says as I lean in towards him for a hug.

“I miss you a hell lot! Grandma’s making my life miserable!!”

He laughs. “I know~ But were you being naughty again?”

I stand back. “Naw…just staying out at night crap…”

He laughs and turns to Hong gi. “Who’s this little friend over here? Introduce him to me Joonie…”

I smile and reach over to take his hand. “This is Lee Hong Gi…We are…kind of on the way for dinner…together…” I say, turning red as Hong Gi bows at oppa. Oppa smiles. “I see…my sister has grown up a lot for the past few days!”

Then he calls me closer. I slowly let go of Hong Gi’s hand and lean towards him. “This is not the Concieted angel right?” He whispers into my ear. I give him a surprised look. “How do you know?”

He smiles this weird smile which I know from his teenage years. I gasp. “No you DID NOT!” I whisper loudly and he chuckles. “Yes I DID! I was bored to death here, the TV, and there you were…it was beautiful by the way…but didn’t like it seeing you marrying this soon…”

I smile feeling emotional. He always does that, he says something, and it will always bring me to the edge of tears. “Oh…oppa…” I say and hug him tightly. He laughs. “Joonie! You’re embarrassing yourself before your date!”

I hear Hong Gi chuckle behind me. I quickly pull away. “That wasn’t embarrassing” He says when he’s done. “Reminds me of my sister…she does the same…”

Oppa smiles. “Then you must know how to care for a sister…look after my sister well okay…?”

Hong Gi nods. “Yes I will…sunbae” (Koreans call that to people who are older than himself when they meet for the first time)

And after a while spent at the hospital with oppa, chatting and laughing around, we leave, giving him a sincere goodbye and a promise to visit him the next day. Soon we find ourselves riding through the streetlights of the city of Seoul once more, this time, both of us being hyperactive.

“Sing with me okay!” He yells over the loud music being played on the radio.

“My love.. bureugo bulleodo boiji annneun naesarang
Eonjenga dasipume angigil nan gidohamnida…..”

And we go along singing like a pair of crazy kids. He really has an amaizing voice , now that I’m hearing it so close, it really is so beautiful…

At the end of the song, he looks at me with a look that I have never seen in his eyes, and my heart skips a beat. He smiles.

“haengbokhae?” (Happy?)  He asks. I smile back. I am…more than anything else I am…

“This…is fabulous!” I say with a mouthful of Jjigae that we got for dinner.  After all, my sophisticated dressing and make up are not of use, because Hong gi’s idea of dating is not going to sophisticated restuarants but small town dining bars. I’m actually enjoying it though I’ve been to this kind of places million times (Aunt Mija has a ramyeun bar, so) because being with someone who can keep you in company, it’s enough of a reason to enjoy it.

“It’s Dubu! (Tofu/ bean curd) My favourite” He says and takes in a mouthful. I smile at him. “You like dubu that much?”

He smiles back. “No…but now that I’m eating with you, it tastes so good…”

I start laughing. “Yah! You sound like you were eating me!”

He too, joins the laughter. “Why? Are you eatable?”

“Andwae~!”

He goes on laughing, and a moment later, he asks. “So, what do you want to do afterwards?”

I begin to think but since nothing comes into mind, I make a face and look at him. “Ani~can’t think of anything…”

He smiles. “I know! Let’s get Ice cream!”

I smile. “Sure! Ice cream then!”

“Try mint! Oh! And that one is good too!” I say when we’re at the ice cream bar, trying out different flavours. It’s around nine already, my limit is ten so we have around an hour to go, and the date is going on so well. He really is sweet,totally the datable type and throught the time, he kept me happy to which I’m grateful. Maybe I should keep dating him, at least he keeps my mind off things for a while, at least he keeps me company…at least he gives me the feeling of needing me rather than always indicating me to stay away like some people…

Okay, I said no ‘some people’ until the end of the date…

…and afterwards…

“Okay, got it!” Hong Gi says, approaching me with a bag in his hand. “So where do you wanna go?”

I shake my head. “I can’t think of a place…you suggest…”

He smiles and takes my hand, making a shrill run down my spines. “I know a place…Ka ja!” (Let’s go!)

And soon we find ourselves in the empty playground, strolling down so slowly as though walking is the last thing we have in our minds right now. His hand is still around mine, which is really good, and I too, hold it tightly, never wanting to let go. I feel as though everything’s right in the world, as though all are finally falling into place, as though nothing is better than being in his grasp. He leads me towards a wooden bench with a smile, I sit down , he sits next to me and takes out the tub of ice cream that we got ourselves to share.

“Ah! Cold!” He exclaims, balancing it on his lap while moving hysterically. I start laughing. “Yah! Hong gi-ah! You’r legs will freeze!”

He takes the lid off the tub. “Then you’d have to carry me home on your back!”

I hit him on his arm. “You’re too heavy for me I’d break my legs!”

He chuckles in this musical tone and hands me a tiny pink spoon. “Why? You have chicken legs?”

I make a face. “Why…? They look like chicken legs?”

He sees my face and looks at me with concern. “Why? Did I make you upset?”

“Oh…” I lie, trying to get some affection from him. He smiles. “Your legs are pretty….happy?”

I nod. “A lot!”

He takes a spoonful of the ice cream and closes his eyes, probably enjoying the cream melting inside. I gulp, seeing how beautiful he is. His dark hair is done in the most hideous style ever, but no matter what he does, nothing affects his ever gorgeous features. It’s his smile which always keeps him brightened up, which always keeps the others smiling the same, it’s the best feature that he possesses whereas Won Bin…he never smiles, never laughs and doesn’t care for whatever happens around him, he only keeps to himself…

But then again Won Bin…he…he’s caring, and when he is not his normal frowning self…he’s lovely…lovable and so wonderfull…as though such a person never exists…it makes me want to help him, to help him to keep that beautyfull self forever within him without letting that arrogant self overtake him once more. Hong Gi…he can give me what I expect, but Won Bin…I don’t have to ask for it, his warmth, it’s always there…and one move, I’m getting it, and everything’s alright. Nothing feels so better to be held in his arms, laying my face against his chest, listening to his heart beating fast through the thin material of his shirt, his hands around me, on my shoulders, around my waist, running on the skin on my jawline…

But he’s a dream. The angel-like Won Bin is too far away from me, he’s far away from Won Bin himself, he only comes to surface only at some points, and that moments when he does, I want to live in the very moment throught my life, but I can’t, he fades away just too soon before even I can hold him back, returning him back to being…him…It scares me. The feelings that he gives me whenever he smiles, whenever he laughs and whenever he holds me against himself. What if I fall for the Won Bin who’s hidden beneath the normal frowning him? What if I love that beautiful, lovable self so badly even when he hardly ever comes to the surface? It will be as if I love someone who doesn’t exist, as though I love someone from a dream…whereas the real Won Bin is a living nightmare, and eventually I will hurt myself. I can’t hurt myself, I can’t fall apart and shatter into pieces for love, I can’t love someone who doesn’t love back, I can’t love someone who’s too far for me to lay my hands on, of all the things, I can’t love him, Won Bin…but I can love someone who really knows that I still exist.

“Here, have some…You didn’t have much!” I hear Hong Gi saying, and see the bucket held before me. I smile and take a big scoop. I sigh and let it melt in my throat, enjoying the burst of flavours running down my throat. Hong Gi takes another scoop and lays it on the bench between us. “This is really good, I’ve never tried this flavour before…”

“No?” I ask in surprise. “Wae? This is like the best of all the flavours!” I have another scoop.

“Ah! Then here we have an ice cream expert! Next time I’ll consult you before buying any”

I make a fake laugh. “Hong Gi that’s the lamest joke that I’ve ever heard!”

He doesn’t reply but makes a tiny laugh.

“You laugh so often, don’t you?” I ask him. He shrugs and turns to me. “Why? Is it a bad thing?”

I shake my head. “Ani~ It’s a good thing…normal people can’t laugh that so much…”

He takes another scoop. “So you say I’m not normal?”

I tilt my head to a side, thinking it through, and answer. “Maybe, maybe not…”

“Laughing is good for health you know…”

I look at him with surprise. “Really? Grandma told me to not to laugh much, she says other people loses their appetite if I do…”

He laughs again. “Yeah…well if you open your mouth like a crocodile!”

“Yah! I don’t laugh like a crocodile!” I complain. He stops laughing and looks at me. “No…you have a beautiful laughter…” And then his eyes stares at me long.

“What?” I ask, feeling uncomfortable. He points at my face. “There, you have a cream moustache.”

I widen my eyes and wipe my lips with a tissue, then I look at him, asking; “Is it gone?” He shakes his head. “Nope, you just made it worse, you have spread it everywhere.”

“Aish!” I swear and rub my mouth with the tissue even harder and look at him. “Is it still there?”

“Half of it is gone…there’s a bit left on the side”

“Where?”

“There”

“Oh?”

“Here…” He says, and his tone makes my heart beat rise. And before even I could think of a way to stop him, he leans over and presses his lips on mine. For a moment, I’m dumbfounded, unable to figure out what’s happening, and before even I could, he pulls away. I stare at him, surprised by his sudden peck. He smiles. “Done, I cleaned it”

I look down at my hands, already feeling the blood boiling in my face. He shouldn’t have done it…

…no, he should have done it before…

“Ah! It’s nine forty five already! Joonie, we have to go right?”

I nod with a smile. “Yeah…we should…”

And so he takes my hand once more, and we walk together all the way back to the dining place where he parked the car before. He throws the empty Ice cream tub into a bin as we walk on, and soon we arrive before the car. He opens the door for me, I get in, and he arrives by my side soon enough. He sighs hard when the car comes to life.

“So the date ends here…” He says as the car gets fully into life. I too, let out a sigh. It’s the end of my first date after all, and it went on so well…and I still can’t figure out why the pirates were so against it, I mean, what’s wrong with actually loving a guy so perfect like him?

On the way back home, Hong Gi and I go on discussing stuff, like families and things we like, and I got to know that he has a wonderful family, but his father is no longer alive. He starts the topic when his mum called saying that she’s starving with nothing to cook, he promises her to bring grocery and so he says about his family. I don’t have much to say, what I do most of the time is listening, I too, tell him about my oppa and my granny and also about my aunt, and along with our conversation, the ride back home ends sooner than I expect. I ask him to park on the slope since I’m still faking grandma about dating Won Bin, I seriously can’t let her see him, now that she knows Won Bin just so well,  she will never mistake Hong Gi for him.

I let out a sigh as the engine stops at the foot of the slope.

“So…that’s the end of our first date…” Hong Gi says when I sit back after undoing my seat belt.

“Yes…it is…” Then I turn to him. “Thank you…very much for taking me out…that was really great, spending time with you…”

He smiles. “That was my pleasure, Joonie…I had a great time being with you…we should do it again, sometime…”

I nod. “Yeah…we should…and next time I’d dress appropriately”

He laughs again. “Wae? You looked fabulous!  You can dress anyway you want, I’ll be looking forward for it!”

I smile wider. “Me too…bye then…don’t forget your mums grocery!”

“Sure, I won’t…” Then he undo’s his belt and leans over to me. My heart starts beating so fast once again, remembering what happened the last time, but instead of making the same action, he runs his hands around me and olds me in a hug.

“Thank you….for making me so happy…I’ve never been happier in my life…”

I run my hands around him and hug him back. “Me too….Thank you for giving me such a happiness…”

But although he’s holding me this so comfortably, although he’s giving me a warmth that I have never experienced before, although my mind screams out this is it, that this is whom I’ve waiting for, something’s not just right…though this is the perfect moment, being in the hands of a man who seems to truly give me all his heart, deep inside my heart, in the deepest depth of my heart, there’s a voice screaming and yelling at me that what I’m doing is wrong…that what I’m doing is hurting another…but no matter how much I search through my mind, I still can’t figure out whom I’m hurting just now…whether it’s me…or somebody else…

“Hey! You’re home for dinner?” Won Bin’s sister asks as he slowly climbs up towards his room, but his mind is completely out of the world that he doesn’t hear her speaking from her study. He’s upset, more than upset, he’s depressed. He’s cursing it that he’s in such a state that he has never come across in his life. It caused him to forget his cords, to ignore what their leader was saying, to put an end to his practices too soon and also to miss the right bus, and now to ignore his sister speaking.  He can’t make up his mind, he’s tired of thinking but he’s still stuck, no matter how much he battles with his mind, he still can’t decide what side he shall take. He’s stuck in two alternatives; go on liking her or let her go.

He can’t go on liking her. She doesn’t want to have any of them interfering her personal life, and he can’t love somebody who’s already in love with somebody else. It won’t be fair for her, it doesn’t matter him although it hurts him just so severely, but he doesn’t want to hurt her by going on liking her, he doesn’t want her to hate him a lot more than she already does. She’d despise him; she’d think that he’s trying to change her mind that she’d despise him more than she does already. And also he remembers what his mother said this morning. If she ever comes across the fact that his heart is beating not for Hyun-A just as everyone else thinks but for somebody else, she’d hurt her, and he won’t bear it if anything ever happens to her. She doesn’t even know, how can he ever let her suffer for something that she has never even done?

But no matter how much he tries to change his mind about her, he can’t make himself do it, he can’t bear it how even the very thought rips through his heart like ice spheres. It always reminds him of the times that they spent together; he has been with her for just too long, he has too many memories with her that he can’t make himself forget all about her. She’s just too close for him, almost tangible, almost reachable. He can go and hold her any time he wants to, but only he can’t make himself do it. He’s so afraid that no matter how tightly he hold her, how close he hold her, he’d lose her, and he’s more on the side of losing her than winning her, and it scares him that he wants to love her even more as long as he could. She needs to be protected, and it’s something that she receives the least. She needs someone who will listen to whatever she has to say, to dry her tears and be a shoulder for her, it’s him who silently promised her that he’d protect her with all he has, how can he break a promise that he so sincerely made only because the time doesn’t allow him to love her?

He climbs up the stairs as though it’s the last thing he has in his mind, in fact his mind is malfunctioning that it doesn’t occur to him that it takes him so long to climb up. He’s completely out of his mind that he doesn’t even feel his sister approaching him, it surprises him like nothing before as her hand lands on his shoulder. He turns around to face his sister’s concerened eyes. She looks into his eyes which are concealed behind his thick red-brown fringes, and says urgently. “You need some talking don’t you…?”

He looks down and slowly nods.

Soon he finds himself in her study room, sitting in the very seat where he sat the first day that he told her about Lee Joone, the very seat where he sat and denied it that he liked her…and now he’s here to finally admit it.

“Tell me…what is it?” His noona asks, sitting right before him, looking at him as urgently as ever. He looks into her eyes, seeing only love and conern filled in them, he intakes a deep breath. He can tell her, more than anything else he trusts her, he knows she will never let them know, that she will treasure it as much as he does himself. And so he speaks.

“I think you were right…I like her…” He says slowly, and waits for her to reply. She only stairs at him, her eyes remain on him for quit long, examining him, and finally she says. “I know…”

He knew that she will find it out sooner than he expects, and also that it’s the very fact which is bothering him so much, it doesn’t take her long to question exactly what he has in mind.

“So why do you look so sad…? Shouldn’t you be happier…?”

He shakes his head. “I want to let her go…”

Noona is silent for another few minutes, and says. “Won Bin, honey…if this is about what mum said this morning, don’t hurt yourself by lying to yourself….that won’t do you any good…”

He shakes his head. “That’s…not exactly the problem…noona…” He mutters, looking down at his pale fingers and starts pressing the finger tips which are hardened due to holding the guitar strings. He hates to mention it, he hates to think about it and to be reminded of it but he has to tolerate, otherwise he will never get over it.

“Then what is it? You can tell me…”

He looks straight into her eyes. “She hates me, and she wants me to never appear before her…”

Noona widens her eyes. “She said that? To you?”

He looks down at his feet, feeling guilty that he offended her. “Noona she’d never say anything like that to anyone, not even me, and even if she will, it’s not to hurt anyone, it’s because she’s hurt herself, and she will always make it up to them…it’s a fact that I personally know…I did something wrong this morning, she had a reason to say that, and I know…she’d never mean it…” He looks at her face. “But I feel…this time she meant it…she never made it up to me…”

Noona leans over and slowly rubbed his arm. He can’t believe it, how he has fallen into this state of being this so hurt and broken, but even when he went to the treasure Island earlier, although he thought he’s forgetting her, he was half expecting her to apologize, but instead, she just simply went away with the one that she loved, she didn’t even glance at him as though he doesn’t exist. He went through and goes through so much for her, how can he bear it being treated like nothing?

“Noona I don’t want to be this way…I want to be how I used to be…I want to hate her…I want to live as if I never care…”

“Ssh…Won Bin-ah….don’t be like that…she’d come around…”

He looks up at her, remembering that there’s one single fact that he still didn’t tell her.

“Noona…she…the one she really likes…is not me…”

The hand on his arm suddenly gets stiff. “You mean…?”

He turns away, not wanting to remember that hurtfull moment when she came out before him, looking beautiful as ever and happy as ever for someone who apparently isn’t him. She will never do it…she will never appear looking so pretty before him…she’s always beautiful for that matter, but will never be so happy for him.

“She’s…dating the guy she likes now…I’m no use…hopeless…”

“No you’re not! It’s just-! You’re not trying Won bin-!”

“I did okay?!?” He yells, he can’t believe that he’s doing it but he yells. “I did! I comforted her, I listened to her when she told me about her sick brother, I let her cry on my shoulder, I personally increased her salary, I treated her when she got traumatophobia, I’m faking as her boyfriend before her grandmother…I-I…looked after her last night when she was alone with me at the treasure island…and I wrote her a song…isn’t that enough of trying?”

Noona says nothing, but stares at him unbelievingly. Even he can’t believe it, how much he has done for her, and although he has gone through so much for her, she doesn’t see him, she still can’t see him…

“…You’re desperate…aren’t you…?” Noona asks finally. He says nothing. He knows that he is, he has never been so desperate for a girl in his life before. The idea that he used to have about girls is that they just come and go in life, and  like in a shoot-the-duck game, he just have to try his shot on one of them, and then she’s his…but now…once she has entered his life…he can’t let go…

“Binnie…don’t be like this…you can do better…”

He lifts his head. “How better? I was doing fine before! I was doing very well with Hyun-a for two years! Why can’t I manage this even after a month!”

Noona sighs. He knows there’s no other way that he can be helped, he has to settle it out on his own, but only he has no idea how.

“Look…honey…comparing to all the probloms you have now…this is the least of it. For now…concentrate on the contest…losing it means losing everything, including her…I’m sure she will come around one day…but please don’t fall apart like this, okay? You’re really worrying me…you might be loving her so much, but that doesn’t mean you have to be so desperate…you’re a man, you need to be strong, never show your weakness even before a girl…and stop looking so dark…maybe she’d come around if you smile and keep yourself content…I’m telling you all this because I love you…okay?”

Won Bin keeps silent, but deep down, he knows she’s right. Just like Lee Joone, his sister is always right, and he knows if she means it, there’s nothing more true. He remains looking down at his feet, not wanting to look up at her. She’s right, there won’t be any good if he remains to be this way. He can’t be desperate for her love, but wait for her until she comes around one day…

…and hope it will be soon enough…

This is crazy. I’ve been sitting here watching everything like a candid camera for the past few hours, and those idiots still can’t see it I’m here! Okay, I know that they’re still mad at me for going last night, but I thought I made it clear for them that this is my life that I’m trying to live, why do they have to keep doing this to me?

And making it worse, Ha Ra couldn’t come today because she had some appointment at the saloon, (Weird appointments she has) and I’m here, practically alone, Isolated, being punished for dating a guy that they don’t like. So much for working for a band. I never knew they had SUCH rules and regulations here! If I ever knew, I’d never have accepted the job as their supervisor. It’s more like I’m the official be-ignored-er now.

“There, you have to say ‘love you…’ or there won’t be any connection between the two verses” Won Bin says to Jae Jin as they practice the new song that Won Bin has written for the next round. I’m truly impressed by his talent to write and compose, and for some weird reason, he has grown to develop relevant emotions while singing, through which he now really touches my heart, and this song…it gives me a feeling that I have never experienced before in my life, it scares me. I don’t know how it happens, but whenever I hear him sing it, I feel as though I’m doing the biggest mistake of my life. I’ve heard him singing before, I’ve understood every single word that he sang, but now, although I don’t understand half of it, this song touches me, touches the weakest point of my heart, and it’s so painful when it does that I feel as though I will die so soon. Maybe it’s just the guilt that I yelled at them, the guilt that I still haven’t apologised him for treating him the last time we were together. Maybe I should apologise him and also the guys that the pain will go away…

…only if I still exist, that is…

And the pain hits me once again when Won Bin and Jae Jin starts singing again. It’s like an instinct, it comes whenever I hear it, and it’s more unbearable because now, they just sound so perfect. I try my best to tolerate with it, and fortunately it ends so soon. I intake a deep breath and stare at them still ignoring me. They’re not even asking for my opinion! I play a huge part over here!

“There, that part’s perfect…let’s do the first two verses with the music” Jong Hun says and takes out his guitar. The others follow, Minan takes his seat behind the drums and I wait for them to start.

It begins with Jong Hun’s slow guitar , and then comes his voice, so slowly and softly, full of emotions, and is later joined with Jae Jin’s voice along with the rest of the instruments. They have followed my instructions by making it a duet and sounds so fabulous, the two voices blends in so well…and again it causes a tight knot to develop in my throat, and as the verse reaches the , the music goes up, Jong hun stops playing and says. “That was good, we need some practice, but let’s move on to the next part…”

I decided to say nothing because there’s no point of doing so, I practically don’t exist here so whatever I say is not taken into account. This is so annoying to be frank. I mean, how can I even be here any longer being ignored all throughout the session? I continue to watch them a while longer as though there’s nothing more entertaining, and when I’m sick of doing that, I proceed to clean the place to cover up for not doing it two times. I take the old broom from behind the cupboard and sweep the floor. They keeps ignoring me even when I sweep the dust beneath their feet! When I’m done, I start mopping the bathroom. I make loud sounds all over the place, expecting one of them to approach me in a rush thinking that I fell, but nobody comes, making my expectations fall apart.

Gosh! This is seriously so frustrating!!

Afterwards I take my bag, and without a word, go out, remembering that we forgot to refill the refrigerator for two weeks. I take the bus, ride silently, letting my mind drift away, replaying all that happened the day before. Everything feels like a long gone dream, holding hands with him, laughing around like never before, I sincerely haven’t felt happier…yet…it’s nothing compared to how I felt when I heard him laugh under the fountain that day…

But Hong Gi, he’d laugh all the time, he’d make me laugh along, but Won bin never does…
He needs help…he needs help to laugh more often…
But I’m no joker to do that, plus he’s also contributing to their silent treatment, why will I bother myself about him…?

But then again, he ignores me all the time…

The bus goes on, and my mind goes as far as it wants to, bringing me into my usual trance, and it stops at one point, making my heart stop. Last night…he kissed me…although it was only a light peck…it should have come before the one that Won Bin gave me there on the stage…and yet…he kissed me too…that all perfect conceited prince that any girl would die for…has actually kissed me…

This puts me into the weirdest state of thinking what felt the best.

Okay,that’s only because I have been kissed only twice, that I compare them with one another…and no matter how much I try to make myself admit it that Hong Gi felt the best…the one I really felt was…Won Bin…I can’t figure out whether it’s because of his great acting and having it done many times before, but Hong Gi…I know that out of the two…he’s the one who sincerely have any feeling for me whereas Won Bin have none, only that I’m to be constantly frowned at and also that I’m to be officially ignored. But then again…the night that it really happened, I remember how exactly I felt. I felt it as though everything was falling into place, as though everything’s…right in this world and nothing else mattered…only him…and me…But Hong Gi…it was sweet, and mellow just tender and playful, just like himself…but Won Bin was sincere, real and truly passionate…I remember how I heard both our hearts beating in the same pace, the same rhythm…I remember the warmth he gave me when I went cold underneath…and everything was perfect…But when Hong Gi gave me the slightest peck…there was something wrong…and it was apparently something that I can’t lay my hands on…

When the bus comes to a halt near the Dongdaemun  market, people starts shuffling out, and I too, follow them and along I too, stream out, finally finding myself in the busy market. Dongdaemun is a famous market place in the city of Seoul where many are used to do their weekend shopping, so since this is a Sunday, the place is full, I’m wondering myself how I can slip through. I arrange my bag on my shoulder and take a deep breath. At least this is a good way to keep my mind off things for a while…for an instance, four ignorant pirates are still bugging in my head, and I really want out. I slowly proceed to walk in.

Although the place is completely filled with weekend shoppers, the vender ahjummas and ahjussis are always friendly. That’s one reason why I love to come here to kill my time, the always smiling faces of the venders always keeps me away from all the troubles for a while. I walk around through the endless crowd, occasionally examining summer accessories and cloths which are kept on sale. Since it’s the mid spring now, people are already getting ready for the coming summer. Even I’m looking forward to it though I have no plans, the other summers, I spent with oppa, we’d go to Busan or to some beach, we’d play around for some time…I just love those days….but this year…I’d be pretty much busy curing him.

I walk around the place for long, buy what I think is convenient such as drinks and packed dinner since there are times when we stay there for dinner. I take a deep breath as I buy a stack of cupped ramyun, remembering the times we sat together, eating and goofing around. It occurs to me now how much I love them all. They’re practically a part of me, and of course they have a right to decide what’s good and bad for me. I know that none of them intend to hurt me although it really hurts me now. But they will come around soon, they will need me soon one day, and I’d wait.

After spending about two hours in the market, I take the bus back to the Treasure Island. Since it’s still around five in the evening, they must be still there, or at least Won Bin will be there all alone. On the way back home I meet a girl from school who’s on the way back home from music class that I don’t get back into my crazy trance. At first I think she’s asking me about my appearance on BOTB, but I’m relieved that she shows no sign of even knowing about it. We discuss about school, this and that and the time goes faster than I expect. I soon find myself before the rickety old door of the treasure island, my jaw fallen down to my knees.

It’s closed, and locked, the guys have left already.

Fabulous! Just simply fabulous! Them and their silent treatement! Do they HAVE to go this far just because I date someone that they don’t like?!? Oh for heaven’s sake!!

And the next thing I know is I’m walking back home, muttering senseless things under my breath as I do with all the grocery in my hand. After all that I go through for them they intend to treat me this way? It’s not like I wasted my whole life, I only turned my back to them just once and went on one single date with a guy who really accepts me, what reasons do they have to treat me this way? I fulfil all my responsabilities just the way they have to be done, never forget or skip any of it, I listen to whatever they have to say, answer any question they ask, keep them in company as much as I could, I even treat that forever frowning Won Bin in the best way I could and after all I’ve gone through for them, this is how they intend to treat me? Punishing me so badly giving me the silent treatment?

When I reach home, I’m completely lifeless and more than anything else, I’m hurt and disappointed. I shouldn’t have listened to him back then. It’s not only the money that is important for me. I’m a person who’s generally ignored and hated by many due to my pauverty and where I live. And when I started receiving their love, I felt happy and secure, thinking at least they don’t hate me, and eventually it made the bond between us even stronger, it glued me to them until I really can’t let them go, until I got attached to them so badly…and then they treat me as though I never exist, punishing me for seeking for a different love, a rather milder, caring love, a love which can fill me for a lifetime. Is it really a sin to search for such a love? For such care? Now I’m not sure anymore…

I keep myself steady when grandma’s around for her sake and also for Won Bin’s, since I’m still guilty for not making it up for him after treating him so badly. But as soon as I’m in my room, safely in my washroom, I let my tears spill. I can’t bear it being given the silent treatment, being thrown aside and ignored all by myself without having anyone to make me feel better. I can’t reach out for Hong Gi’s help; How can I even tell him that my band is giving me the silent treatment because they don’t want me to date him/ It will hurt me as much as it hurts me…Although I didn’t tell them anything about the problems I have, they were always there to help me keep my mind away for a bit, keeping me happy and company. But now they are drifting away from me, I have no one to receive any warmth from…and right now I need it…I need comfort, and a shoulder to cry on, but receiving none, I sit in a corner of the washroom and bury my head in my knees. I’m hurt, so severly and nobody cares.  Don’t I have all the reasons to cry??

The next morning, I wake up feeling much better, but the wound that they have left me is still hurting me underneath. I decide to not to let it invade me early in the morning. I’d suffer the rest, again, all by myself after school. For now, I just won’t care…

I say goodbye to the pleasant lady of the paper’s counter as I leave with the day’s papers in my bag. It’s good to be back working after not doing it for two days. I ride down the sidewalk which is still wet from the rain this morning feeling rather light and happy, and as usual, minding my own business. Now I’ve grown comfortable with putting the paper under the gate that I only stick to that technic. (Not with roller gates though) and I go on stuffing the paper under the gate, humming a song to myself. I’m so engrossed in singing that it takes me so long to realise that I’ve come to my favourite avenue of all. I go on riding, stopping before gates and stuffing the papers in until I reach the Oh’s house. My heart skips an involuntary beat. I still haven’t come into understanding why it keeps happening to me, but better yet ignore it. I slow down and proceed to hop off the bike-

-just then, the gate opens, and Won Bin comes out, frowning and looking blank as ever. At the sight of me, he stops dead, his eyes sealed on me, and I gulp, feeling uncomfortable by the look on his face. He makes me feel wronged and guilty. I treated him the worse way I could, and never made it up to him…he has all the reasons to hate me…but he doesn’t seem to ignore me. Instead, he’s seeing me, and I feel grateful for that. At least he knows I still exist…

Then it occurs to me, I must apologize, or I will never make it up to him.

“Won Bin-ah, I-,” I start saying, wanting to break the lock of eyes we’re sharing right now and keep my left foot on the ground, proceeding to get off the Bicycle, but I stop and moan feeling the sudden, yet unbearable pain on my foot. I let go of the bicycle, it falls onto the ground harshly as I sit down on the bare ground, tightening my hand on where it pains with my eyes closed tight. I remember this happening before a few times, but it has never happened to me while I’m working and it scares me. What if I can’t make the rest?

But while I’m sitting helplessly on the ground, not wanting the tears welled up in my eyes break off, I feel him, his warmth, his voice so close to me, and sooner before I even realise it, his hands run under my chin and lifts my face up to his. I slowly open my eyes and gulp, seeing his angel like face only inches away from me, staring at me with his eyes filled with concern. “Lee Joone? Are you alright…?” He asks in a smooth low voice. I slowly shake my head. “I cramped my foot…”

My heart stops as his hand wrap around my paining foot. I purse my lips as he gently presses on where it pains. “Does it hurt?” He asks. I nod.

And the next thing I know is he’s helping me walk towards our usual spot on the bench with his hand tightly around my waist, he helps me sit as slowly as though he’s worried if it will hurt me. I sigh loudly, still feeling the pain. I reach downwards to rub the paining point myself, but before I could even stop him, he lowers himself onto the ground before me. I’m shocked, dumbfounded that I’m stuck, unable to think of a way to stop him when he starts to remove my shoe and my flower printed sock. It gives goose bumps all over my body when he gently takes my foot in his hands and lay it on his leg.

“Frowny! What are you doing? People will see us!!!” I hiss at him, but he ignores me and starts pressing his fingers against the paining spots. A shrill runs down my spines and goose bumps grow all over me, my heart runs in horsepower and I bite my lower lip as he gently massages my feet. And many memories come rushing into my mind as his hands works so gently and skilfully on my skin.

“My dad…he used to do that back then…” I hear myself say, and see him looking up at me. I smile slightly. “And this feels exactly the same…”

He says nothing and looks away. My heart falls even without my awareness. Even he’s still giving me the silent treatment? He continues to massage my leg for a while and when I’m feeling quit better, I reach out and lay a hand on his head. It surprises him that he immediately looks up at me. “That’s enough…frowny, I feel fine…Thank you!”

He nods and gets up on his feet. I too, gather all the strength I have left within me and try to get up on my feet, but now that I’m right after a cramp, I still can’t balance myself, I start to fall, but Won Bin’s faster. He runs his hand around me, soon enough to catch me in his arms. I mutter a low thank, feeling my heart pounding so fast, and he looks at me. “Wait here…I’ll get the jeep…”

And I pause, looking at him completely taken aback. He’s not going to take me in the jeep to school is he?

“Wait! Won Bin-ah!” I say and catch his hands. He turns to me. “I can go…I’m fine, you don’t have to get the jeep”

He gives me a cold glare. “You can’t ride the bicycle like that-.”

“I can! Plus I have to give out the paper!!”

He continues with his glare and says. “We’ll do it on the way”

“But-!” I start to contradict, but he pulls his hand off my grip and walks back through his gate. I hang my head, feeling guilty than ever before. Right now, I could kill myself! He’s doing all this for me to make it up for me for what which happened with grandma for sure, and I have done absolutely nothing to make it up for him! Maybe I should take my bag and run away…no, then he’d think I ditched him, that will make things even worse…I’ll wait…I’ll let him take me and I will apologise to him on the way…and I should buy him candy floss one day with a tag saying ‘Jaesso hamnida’ underneath…

Soon I hear the gate open, and the weird skinny guy I remember who always come around to catch me, comes out. I want to hide my face but surprising me, he gives me a smile. But what I really see at the moment is not his weird face, but the massive house behind him, and I hold my breath.

So this is where Won Bin lives…

He sure IS a prince! I mean, the moment I saw Ha Ra’s house, I thought it was the biggest house I’ve seen in my life, but apparently, Won Bin just broke the record. More than just being big, it’s sophisticated and rich with a massive garden where few workers are doing the flowerbeds. The entrance door is massive with two equally humongous pots of flowers kept on the either sides that it’s still visible from this distance. It’s completely gold, brown and white and yes, massive…and not a least bit Won Bin-like. He has a house this big, enough money to fill his bathtub every day, but although he has it all, he lives as though he’s a suburb kid like me. Okay, at least I go on my bicycle to school, and he WALKS to school having a vehicle to himself! And dresses like he’s short of apparels, never cares to brush his hair and lives in an old warehouse most of the time, living on Kimchi and ramyun! Gosh! If I were him, that is SO not how I will be living!
Wonder what his problem is…

And soon his jeep pulls out of the opened gate, I see him taking a massive turn before me, and my eyes never leaves him, my heart stops at the look on his face, a sudden thought rises in my mind.

He will sure make a good daddy one day…

Okay, I know it sounds crazy, but now that I see him, he looks like one of those really rich and caring young dads who comes in dramas…but of course, he still has a long way to go…

I shake my head. Okay, now no crazy talk…

He hops out of the jeep, casually and approaches me in quick steps.

“Come on, let’s go” He mutters and helps me up on my feet. He begins to walk me towards the passenger seat, but I contradict, this time, succeeding. “I can walk frowny, I ‘m fine”

He slowly lets go of me and I walk around to the door, and hop in, then lay my bag on my lap before proceeding to put on the belt. I hear the rear door opening and something being put in. I hang my head once more feeling guilty than ever before. He’s doing all this for me to cover it up, and I don’t even serve him back!

Soon he appears beside me. I dare not to glance at him. The jeep soon comes into life, and he says. “Show me the houses on the way”

“Won Bin” I say, this time, really not wanting to give in. Seriously! I’m not going to let him make it up to me in every way he wants to and just sit and wait feeling guilty as ever! He ignores me and continues to drive, and asks, stopping before the next house. “Is this one of the houses?”

I pull my bag away from his reachable distance. “I won’t tell if you don’t let me do it.” I say.

“Just shut up and give me a paper” He simply says. I continue to hold my bag away from him. “I won’t, and yes, this is a house, thank you” I say and proceed to open the door, but my heart skips involuntarily when his hand reaches out and catches my hand. I pause.

“Are you sure you can walk?” He asks. I purse my lips, wondering what really his problem is and turn to him.

“I can walk dummy! Just-!” I take a deep breath and look at him straight. “I can walk okay? Let me do it…” I say, and to make it sound better, I give him a smile.

He sighs and lets go of my hand. Gosh! He doesn’t have to try that so hard!!

Without another word, I hop out of the jeep and walks to the gate. I push the paper in through the narrow opening beneath the gate and skip off towards the door. “Done” I say, closing the door. “Next two houses and the lane is done. That leaves us only one lane” I explain. “Oh! And maybe I can walk to the other two houses in this lane too! That saves you a trouble”

He hangs his head. “Whatever you want Lee Joone…” He mutters. I smile. “Thanks! And well…now that I feel fine, I can do the rest-,” He turns to me and gives me a cold look. I shrug. “Okay…alright…I’ll be right back” I say and hop off the jeep. As usual, I nonchalantly skip off to the first gate of the Kim’s and show the paper in, then I skip off in my usual pace to the last house in the lane and do the same routine, then I quickly make my way back to the Jeep where Won Bin is busy doing absolutely nothing but staring ahead. It surprises him when I turn up. I too, follow him and stare ahead to see if there is anything exciting, and finding none, I give him a look.

He surely is weird at times…

I tell him  where we need to go next. I don’t forget to add the part where I could do the rest on my own which he keeps ignoring until we actually come around at the lane, and he suggests throwing the papers over the gates. I really am annoyed. Seriously! Isn’t he trying too much!

I give him a look. “That doesn’t work Won Bin, Trust me, I know.”

I see him staring at me with this weirdest look on his face and I feel my heart getting stuck in the middle, remembering maybe exactly what which just came to his mind right now. Then he slowly answers. “I know…”

I turn away, unable to face him anymore. If I ever knew he is cold and mean, I would never have fallen for him that minute when he gave me a smile which at that moment meant the whole world for me…

And if I ever knew that there is a side of him which is completely on the contrare of the self I thought he was. I would never have hated him, I would have loved him more…But time never allowed me…

For a few seconds we both drive in silence, and my mind slowly drifts away, wanting to change my past so that I never fall for his smile the first time we met. I should have never have seen it but his cold self that I’d have gotten used to it and eventually I’d have fallen for him…But now I never will. I can’t get used to his double life, and the self that I really would have fallen for, is just too far away for me to lay my hands on…

The jeep slows down and I hear him mutter my name. I quickly turn to him. “Nae~?”

“Go…give out the papers…”

I nod. “Ah…Nae”

 And soon I find myself walking down the lane stuffing the paper under each and everyone of the gates, but my mind is busy thinking what I shall do to get over the pain that old memories are giving me. His smile keeps working in my head like a replay cassette. At some points I find myself thinking what I’m really doing, as though I’m kidding myself, as though my heart only goes for someone else although I try to hold it back and push it towards another by force without thinking about hurting and bruising it in the process. But I still can’t make myself decide it. I’m in the middle, stuck without having no idea where I should turn to. Hong Gi,,,he, sincerely accepts me. I felt it in the way he held me last night. He’d accept me anytime, I know…But Won Bin…I can’t love him. I can’t ever expect him to accept me. He’s already taken, he has already given his acceptance to someone else and he will never expect to have another in his life. He will only hate me more if he ever knew that I’m beginning to have feelings for me, and it scares me. I’m hated enough already, I can’t have any more hates towards me and one day find myself dying with enough rivals to drag me down to hell, More than anything else, being hated by someone who I used to have feelings for. No, I can’t let my heart go for him. I have to hold it back and go on pushng it towards Hong Gi until it gets attached to him one day, and Won Bin will gradually wipe away from my mind. I can’t hurt myself more by loving someone who can’t love back. That is me completely lying to myself.

It doesn’t take me so long to distribute all the papers and soon I’m returning to where the jeep is parked, and for a moment, I pause, my heart beet rising until it pains, seeing him right through the side mirror of the jeep looking like an angel. Who am I kidding! He’s my conceited angel after all…It’s after so long that I’m seeing his eyes this so clearly as he stares at it, to my angle it’s not clear where he’s looking at, but this tiniest feeling inside me keeps on saying that his eyes are actually looking at…
…me…

But it’s impossible. It can’t happen. He hates me, he surely does, and now that I still haven’t apologized to him, he still does hate me, he still haven’t forgiven me…

I shake my head. No, don’t tempt yourself Lee Joone…Be strong…don’t tempt yourself…you will end up hurting yourself…

“Done!” I say cheerfully as I hoped into the passenger seat with a smile. As always he stares ahead and says nothing. He only brings the jeep into life and takes a beautiful turn out of the lane. For the next few minutes, we ride with utter silence. A moment later, he says. “We’re going to the recordings tomorrow…”

I widen my eyes. “Recordings? What recordings…?” I ask, panicked. I’m so not doing my job right!

“Soyogi…recordings. We’re done with composing it…”

I look down, feeling really hurt. They’ve finished the song, decided a day for the recordings and never even told me their supervisor, but instead they lock me out! But I won’t bring it up now…at least Won Bin’s not ignoring me here…

I lift my head and ask. “So…Soyogi…does it sound good…”

“I guess…” He answers shortly. I nod. “I loved it from the beginning…although I don’t understand half of it, It…has a touchy feeling…”

He says nothing. He must be being modest…

“And…thank you for following what I said…the song was already beautiful, and I thought it might do some good…I’m glad it sounds so great now…”

He continues to say nothing, and I gulp, before bringing out the next thought which came to my mind when I heard it.

“Won Bin did you…write it…for someone…?”

This immediately catches his attention that he turns to me; I smile slightly, the fact hitting me along with the very look on his face. “It is…isn’t it…? I felt it…you have put so much feeling into it…it’s so strong that even I felt it…”

He quickly turns away, and I wonder if he has turned red. I smile and look ahead. But deep inside, my heart is burning. Is it Hyun-a? That y mouthed devil? He loves her that so much?

“So…is it Hyun-a…?” I hear myself asking. “She’d be delighted if she hears it…”

I see him slowly shaking his head. And after a long time, he speaks. “Hyun-a…I…don’t actually…love…her…She’s kind of…arranged to me by our parents and I can’t help it...”

I gulp hard, feeling satisfied. At least he doesn’t love her…
She’s only arranged just like in dramas…
But he obviously has another girl in his mind…

“Then who is it…?” I ask, keeping myself steady, not wanting anything to show.

He looks ahead. “There…is another girl…”

My breathing malfunctions, and my heart falls thousand miles without even my awareness. But I keep on smiling. And in my mind, I go on and on repeating it…Lee Joone hates Won Bin…Lee Joone hates Won Bin…

“Really?” I ask, sounding as enthusiastic as I could. He nods. “Tell me…Is she from school?”

He hesitates for a moment and nods.

Lee Joone hates Won bin…Lee Joone hates Won Bin…

“Is she really pretty?”

He nods again.

And my chanting goes on. Lee Joone hates Won Bin…Lee Joone Hates Won Bin…

“So…have you asked her out yet?”

This time, he shakes his head. I widen my eyes. He loves a girl so badly that he wrote a song for her, and he hasn’t even asked her out?

“No? Why not?” I find myself practically yelling. He remains silent for a moment and says. “I…can’t…She doesn’t like me…”

I lean over and slightly punch on his arm. “That’s crazy dummy! Why wouldn’t she like you?”

He stays silent. I open my mouth to speak, but when he starts to speak, I stop. “I think…she likes somebody else…I heard…”

I purse my lips for a moment, and say. “But you can still ask her…who knows if she’d say yes? I mean, you’re a total give-in! If I were her, I would have! Just like I did with Hong Gi…”

He shakes his head and looks straight on the road. “It’s not good to interrupt another’s love…”

I look away. Yes…he’s right…I can imagine how I will be if anyone interrupts me and Hong Gi…

…If there is love…

I shake my head. No, don’t think like that. There is love, and I only love Hong Gi…

“Guess you’re right…” I mumble, and turn to him. “But doesn’t it bother you…? To love someone who doesn’t love you back…?”

He stares ahead and says nothing. I wait for him to speak, and a moment later, he does. “It…bothers me…But I’m holding it in…”

I look down, feeling sorry for him. He must be loving her so much…and that means I can never love him…I can’t interrupt one’s love…

…Lee Joone hates Won Bin…Lee Joone hates Won Bin…

“You love her that much…?” I ask sounding as normal as I can. He keeps his silence, so I continue.

“Then you really should tell her frowny, or you will end up hurting yourself…”

He continues to say nothing, I sigh. He’s so stubborn! He should really be open, I mean, he might be arranged to somebody else but that doesn’t mean he should turn his back to what his heart says! If he doesn’t love the one who’s arranged for him, what he should do is getting out of it!

“Look, Won Bin….I’ll help you…” I say urgently. “Tell me, with Hyun-a, who asked who first?”

He’s silent for a minute and answers. “None asked.”

I widen my eyes. “Jinja? Then-?”

“We were forced to date, and none asked…”

I sigh, now really feeling sorry for him. He must be desperate  being attached to the same person for so long not being in love.

“Anyway…you two must have gone on dates…right? How do you ask her…?”

“I never asked….it’s her who suggest…”

I take in a deep breath, disbelieving the crazy relationship between them. I wonder how he even survives!

“Okay…that’s no use…let’s try this….imagine the girl you like is me…now ask me out…”

I wait for an answer, but I get none. Gosh! Convincing him is seriously frustrating!

“Okay…then let’s imagine you asked me…this is how I answer...”

I take a deep breath and act as naturally as I can. I smile widely and say cheerfully. “Oh! I’d love to Won Bin! That’s fabulous! So where do you want to go?”

I smile and await his response as though I’d get any, and when I’m about to complain, he says. “School”

I look at him, surprised. “Eh?”

He stares ahead as though he never heard me. And slows down the Jeep. That’s when I get it. He meant that we’re here. I sigh, surprisingly feeling disappointed that the ride with him has come to an end. I don’t know why I’d be feeling that way, but I really feel down. Anyhow, I smile and put on my bag. “Oh…didn’t even see…Thanks, Frowny! See you after school!” I proceed to hop down the jeep but stop when he calls my name. I turn to him. “Oh?”

He continues to look ahead.  “Take your bike and go…”

Until he said so, I didn’t have it in mind. I nod, remembering, and thank him once more before I hopped out and went around to the rear of the jeep to find the door of the back already unlocked. I fully open it and try to get the bicycle down, but my strength is not enough, plus I don’t want to harm the jeep’s interior that I climb into the jeep and gently pull onto it, cursing it while so. Then I suddenly I feel a hand on my waist. I stop, surprised at the gesture, and hear Won Bin’s voice behind me. “Get out”

I sigh and start retrieving, and unlike how I expected it, Won Bin helps me out, and in one fast movement, he pulls out the bicycle and lands it on the ground. I mutter my gratitude under my breath which he doesn’t even hear, and so he soon drives away. I watch him hurrying off, an excessive pain building up within me for an unknown reason, and turn to leave. But I stop, suddenly remembering something. I roll my eyes and bite on my lower lip, remembering the very fact that I still haven’t apologized him.

Gosh! I’m the very worst kind of girl ever to exist on planet earth!!

“Ah! Ha Ra!! Jebal!!!” I beg as we both walk towards the cycle shed after school. It’s the day of the recordings and I’m already more than sick of being given the silent treatment that I’m seriously in need of a companion to share it with, but Ha Ra who’s apparently all I have as a companion is claiming to be busy today. Me and my one big ignoring-me band!

“Trust me Joonie they wont be doing it today!”

I shake my head. “No, they were even worse yesterday and I left early!”

Ha Ra stops walking and turns to me. She lays both her hands on my shoulders and gives me a fake smile. “You know when my parents are at home…I can’t run away, can i?”

I sigh heavily. Her parents are not very stuck up and over protective, but still is a lot concerned about staying away from home for too long. And after her stay-out the night when we had our day out, they have become pretty strict about it that they pay her extra attention, and against that, I have absolutely nothing to do.

“Okay…well…I’m not getting used to this isolated lifestyle you know…”

She pats on the top of my head. “You will honey, you will”

And soon I find myself walking along the sidewalk with my hands on the bicycle handles, truly not wanting to go. But I have to, Won Bin told me the news because they’re expecting me to come although they’d be living as though they don’t need me anymore, and also because I have to somehow make it up to him, I do have to be there. At school I was thinking of talking this out. I mean, they NEED to understand that no matter how much they ignore me, this is not doing any good. They’re hurting me good, alright. They’re hurting me enough to go and cry all by myself in my bathroom, but no matter what they do, I won’t let go of him who’s apparently the only one cares for my existence….Okay, Won Bin also knows that I do, but that obviously is as long as I’m their supervisor and that saves him some trouble and also from the Hyun-a nightmare. But of course he’s too busy thinking about that other girl he likes, so he is not counted in my account which leaves only Hong Gi and yes, Ha Ra, and I will never let go of Hong Gi…

And this will end so soon…there are only around two more weeks to go, if only I can hold on more longer, I will be left alone to be with Hong gi…We will be a real item then…

By the time I turn up at the Treasure Island, I see the guys already loading the instruments into the jeep. Won Bin stood all by himself, casually leaning on it looking as angel-like as ever. I gulp and begin my little chanting in my head.

Lee Joone hates Won Bin…Lee Joone hates Won Bin….

I take a deep breath and approach the Jeep as Minan turned up in a  hurry with his base drum. I see how they keep ignoring me, and feeling as down and disappointed as ever, I stand back and wait.

Even yesterday I  came early, nobody were here and I sat alone doing absolutely nothing and it was later that I realized I’ve fallen asleep. I woke up hearing the music being played, they had the song finished by then, I listened with my full interest and I lost it all, hearing how beautiful and perfect it is that I actually praised them, and nobody cared. It really hurt me. They wanted me to be the supervisor, they begged me to not to leave, and now they’re punishing me. I couldn’t take it yesterday, during practice, and I was about to break into tears once again that I left early.

And even now I’m considering to leave, but I can’t. Won Bin expects me to stay, that’s exactly why he asked me. There are probably things needed to be done. I know how much the band means to him, and also since I still haven’t made it up to him, I will stay, I will hang on…

“Okay, people let’s go” I hear Jong Hun saying and I nod, as though he sees me, and proceed towards the back seats leaving the bicycle behind. I can come and get it later on. I stand back, waiting for Jae Jin and Minan to climb in, they does, completely ignoring me. I half expect them to close the door but they leave it open. I file in and close the door. And soon I find myself on the road, Won Bin driving at full speed, and the jeep is in utter silence unlike the other days when we’re riding together, There has been times that Jong Hun had to make us shut up, the three of us practically turn the vehicle upside down, but now it’s as though we’re attending a funeral reception. It takes just so long to arrive by the recording studio, I don’t know whether it is because of the atmosphere inside or because it’s too far, but when we’re at the studio, I’m already exhausted and I’m already longing to go home.

We all walk in after we got all the instruments down, I follow after the others feeling quit uncomfortable to be alone at an unknown place practically alone that is, because although I have my band with me, I’m isolated.

And it surprises me when a tiny dude shows up with a pair of bright green ear phones around his neck and also the brightest smile ever. He’s quit appealing for his age with thick dark hair and a beautiful smile, and he greets us cheerfully.

“Hyun! I was waiting for you!” He says and helps them with the instruments. Soon arrive some men who seems more like workers and gets hold of the instruments, the little guy looks up to speak to the guys, but his eyes land on me. He gives me a smile.

“Oh! She must be your supervisor noona!” He says and approaches me. I bow with a smile.

“Anneoyong hasaeyo! i’m Lee Sung Jong! You must be Lee Joone noona, I heard about you, they told me…and you’re prettier than they described!”

I widen my eyes. The guys told him about me and said I was…pretty…?

A rush of guilt sweeps through me like a fire. “Oh…That’s…great…so you are-?” I ask, trying to change the subject.

“I’m the owner…” He makes a laugh as my eyes widen. “Yeah…I’m still fifteen but I practically own this…anyway, come on! Let’s start”

And soon I find myself watching the pirates in the studio, getting ready for the recordings while I stand back in the recording room with Sung Jong and some other guy.

“Ready??” He asks through the mike. Won Bin looks at the others, and when they all nod, he gives a thumps up.

“Okay! Let’s give it a shot!”

As always, it starts with Jong Hun, I watch his hand moving, and close my eyes when Won Bin’s part starts, soon being joined by Jae Jin. The burning sensation begins to work in my heart once more, and due to the state that my mind is in right now, it becomes worse until I can’t breath, and visions start running in my head, all of it only involving Won Bin. I can’t figure out why it’s him, why my heart beats so hardly at his voice. At his words which I can’t even understand, but it’s killing me. It’s burning all the cells in me, boiling my blood until it goes thick and finally blocks my veins, making my whole body cold until it starts trembling, until his words starts ringing in my head. Everything seems to turn around, everything seems to happen sooner than I expect. I have lost my strength, and the guilt of treating him like nothing overwhelms me, because, now I’m starting to feel it, now I’m beginning to accept it, now I’m ready to finally accept it. Along with his words I know, that all these days, I’ve been fooling myself. It’s not because of any other reason that the song he wrote for another girl, rips through my heart so painfully, it’s not because of the lack of feelings that he’s put into it that I can’t bear it, no. It’s because all this time…
…my heart has been beating for him, to the sound of his voice, to the syllables of his words for everything about him…

I now feel the hot tears welling up in my eyes for my foolishness of  loving someone who can’t love me back, I’m crying because I also can’t interrupt his love, I’m crying because I’m loving someone whom I really can’t love…how foolish I am…? How will I bear it then…? How will I bear his presence? I know I can’t love him, I know that the time’s being will never allow me to, so never will his heart, but how can I help myself now? I’m so weak before my own love, so weak to keep steady, too week to hold back my tears, and I let my tears roll down my face. But I can’t let them see, no, now that they can’t see me, I can’t let my tears interrupt them. I can feel Sung Jong’s eyes on me, I can feel his hand reaching out to me, but I ignore him. And instead of seeking for any comfort, I get up on my feet and hurry out of the room and walk as far as I could, finally ending up near the jeep, I sit on a bench nearby and cry.

 I try my usual chant in my head, I try so hard to sing it on and on but it won’t come out right. Instead it says, so loudly and clearly, Lee Joone loves Won Bin…Lee Joone loves Won Bin-

“Lee Joone?” A voice interrupts the chanting in my head, I look up.

And my heart falls through thousand miles.

If I can melt and die right now, I’d die…I will die…
 

Won Bin sees her crying, it’s a wonder if he does not because throughout the time that he sings, his eyes are watching her, the true owner of it, and although she’s convinced it’s for somebody else. He’s glad after he heard it that she felt it, the feelings, but she’s not feeling it as they are for her. And now as he sees her feelings explode, it gives him a severe pain. He never meant to hurt her when he put everything into it, only that he loves her which obviously she can’t have even guessed, she’s way too convinced of her own assumptions, and he knows how stubborn she is to change her mind. And right now he wants to run to her, fold her in his arms and let her shed all her tears on him, telling her that who he loves is her, and everything’s all right, but he can’t, because except for the fact that she’s in her tears, he knows nothing about it. He can’t decide what he shall do to help her out.

The band stops playing as soon as she rushes out, Won Bin hangs his head and doesn’t even see Sung Jong entering the studio. Won Bin looks up only after he hears the door open, Sung Jong approaches them looking electrocuted, and he says. “Noona’s crying”

Won Bin rolls his eyes. Isn’t it an obvious fact?

It’s Jong Hun who speaks first. “She’s really upset; I saw her all about to cry ever since we started this silent treatment crap”

Won Bin turns to Jae Jin, no, all the eyes in the room are on him. He lets out a sigh. “It’s not that! She’s not the type to break only by being given the silent treatment” He says as though he’s trying to save his side. Won Bin does love his band members, but right now, he can really er punch him.

“But she’s a girl Jae Jin, all the girls have feelings!” Jong Hun says. “I didn’t see her smile for days, she’s really upset, or she’d always smile”

“It’s her who started it; she should never have gone with Hong Gi even after we asked her not to”

Jong Hun hangs his head, and looks up a moment later. “Just-! What exactly do you see wrong in her dating him Jae Jin? It’s him who she prefers, so what exactly is wrong with that?”

Won Bin sees Jae Jin’s eyes turning to him, and in his eyes is a hidden message. His heart beats faster. Does he…by any chance…know of his feelings for her…? He’s relieved when he looks away.

“Many reasons…we can’t let her date him although she wants to, because…just because…”

It surprises each and every one of them when suddenly Minan hits hard on the base drum, and he yells. “Just because! You’re hurting noona just because? Hyun? And you’re making us do the same!”

“You don’t understand!” Jae Jin says in a harsh voice, but Minan, for his young age, is louder than ever. “What don’t we understand hyung? That what we’re doing is absolutely of no use?”

“Minan!”

Minan drops his drum sticks and gets up on his feet. “I’m not doing this anymore” He says and rushes out. Won Bin can’t watch this none sense, and also wants to find her, at least just look at her and see if she’s alright. He too rushes out of the studio, Jong Hun follows, so does Jae Jin, they all leave the studio leaving the maknae Sung Jong alone in it, and soon they walk through and out of the studio building until Minan stops, Won Bin slowly steps towards him, and peeks at what he’s looking at, and his heart stops at the sight of her crying her lungs out, and what’s more, there’s Hong Gi holding her while the other members stand around her, their supervisor patting her on her back. Won Bin turns away to leave but is stopped by Jae Jin. “That’s what you don’t understand Minhwan…Lee Joone noona is getting far from us once more…”

Minhwan stares up at Jae Jin for long and opens his mouth to say something but he never gets a chance to, he soon gets interrupted.

“Ah! Hong Gi hyun is here!” A cheerful voice says behind them they all turn to Sung Jong who has followed after them. He gives them a look. “Hyungs, we have to end yours soon, I have to do theirs too…” He starts to walk back, and the four of them follows after him. But Won Bin’s not sure if he’d do well this time, because now, she’s not in his grasp, no, not even in his eye sight. And without the presence of its true owner, it can never come out right…

If god will ever let one love two at once, I will take this as a chance to love them both until my life will end one day, but the time’s being will never allow me, no, I will have to pick one….but I can’t. Both of them mean the world to me. But Won Bin…he doesn’t want his love be interrupted, and I don’t want to either…I can’t show it…I can’t let him know, he’d hate me, he’d really hate me thinking that I’m trying to take that special place he’s keeping for her in his heart. I can’t hurt him, no, I will help him. I will help him to give her his love, and I will stay back, watching him from a distance, watching his smile being with the girl he loves. At least that will make me happy.  And I will be with Hong Gi, he’s sincere. I know. His fondness for me is real and sincere that I can’t turn my back to what he’s ready to offer me. I will accept it, and let him embrace it, and that is how it will be.

It’s the day of the third round today and here I am standing on the sidewalk, waiting for the jeep to arrive to pick me up. I was going to take the bus since now I’m familiar with the route to the hall, but Won Bin sent me a message saying that he’s coming to pick me up along with the guys, and I couldn’t make myself to contradict. It was Jong Hun who kind of spoke to me other than Won Bin, and yesterday Jong Hun and I had to go to the offices for confirmation, we didn’t speak much, okay, I didn’t, I responded only with my head, and ‘green’ is almost all I said, answering to him when he asked how they should wear for the show. I too, found myself clothing in green so I will match with the others. I know we might look like a pack of froggies, but the feeling of the song is so cold, chilly and windy, so the first colour that came into my mind is green.

I step away, quit surprised when the jeep turns up before me. I try my best to control my heart at the sight of him and smile as I got into the front seat. (He opens it for me so I can’t help it)

“So you got the message?” I ask him, seeing him in a grey-green striped sweater and a coat. He nods. I nod in response. And there’s silence. I sit straight, not once glancing at him, only having my eyes focused on the road, and since I’m so engrossed in watching nothing but the road, it surprises me when I hear him speak.

“Is…Ha Ra coming?” He asks. I dare not to look at him, and answer. “Yeah…she wants to help…”

I see him nod by the corner of my eye. And it occurs to me once more, even after the fiasco I caused at the recordings, thought the other members were seriously pissed off, Won Bin is still not giving me the treatment. I clear my throat.

“Frowny…aren’t you…..a part of the silent treatment they’re giving me?”

He’s so silent for a moment that I almost convince myself he’s doing it, but after a moment, he answers. “Your relationships doesn’t concern me”

His words simply hit me like cold spheres. I don’t concern him at all then…

I only nod. “So…then it concerns them…” I mutter, but he has heard. “I don’t know…” He answers. I sigh. This has to end here, this conversation can’t go on…

“So,” I say, forcing a smile trying to start a conversation. “The girl you like…will she be watching the show today? She’ll be thrilled if she knows Soyogi is written for her…”

Won bin says nothing for a moment, and soon he answers. “She’s…coming today; I think…she normally does…”

I widen my eyes. “Ah! Jinja!! Then somebody’s going to be busy tonight!”

“I won’t see her much though; she’d be in the audience…”

I shrug. “Frowny! Don’t be so negative! Although you can’t see her, she will be seeing you!”

He sighs. “I hope…”

For the next few minutes, we ride in utter silence. And for the first time in my life, I’m hearing music being played in the jeep, I slowly glance at him, ignoring the fast beating of my heart, and see his lips slowly moving, he’s singing along. I’m surprised to see him so carefree and well…not very frowning. In fact, his eyes are very open and clear, his hair is pushed back so that it’s not over his eyes, of all the things, and he seems so relaxed which also makes me feel the same. At least he doesn’t care for whatever the relationships I have, at least he’s not giving me pathetic silent treatments like the rest of the others, and that’s pretty much enough things he’s doing for me.

It doesn’t take us long to pick up the guys and drive to the hall, Won Bin drives faster than usual, probably because he can’t take the utter silence inside, and soon we arrive at the Dom art hall.

We all climb down as soon as we’re in the car park, and it surprises me when Ha Ra comes running to me, calling my name. She approaches me and gives me a hug. Then she whispers into my ear. “Are they still the same?” I nod. She pulls away and makes a face. “They’re so dumb you know”

I step back and smile. “I know...”

Soon, I find myself leading the guys to their new suit, 10 D since the places have changed after two bands left the week before, and from tonight’s show, only four bands will be chosen for the semi-finals. I take them in and settle things out inside, not once speaking to anyone of them except fo Ha Ra, I ask her to stay with them and go out to do my usual errands. I soon meet our usual stylist, I ask her to do the make up for us which she happily agrees to do, I get the refreshments tokens, and run off to the suite with the food, and then take the CD from where Won Bin has kept it on the sofa and run off to the back stage to settle things out, and when I’m almost done with all the work, I’m practically dead. I find myself walking towards the suite practically zombified, and it surprises me when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

My heart stops at the sight of Hong Gi smiling at me like ever before.

“Hey!” I greet him cheerfully, ignoring my fatigue. “What are you doing, loitering around? Shouldn’t you be getting ready?”

He nods and points at the door next to him. “We’re up first so we’re going first. I’m waiting for the others”

I smile. “Really? Oh! I wish I can watch…anyway! Good luck!”

He smiles. “Seeing you before a round is lucky, so now I think I have all the luck I need…”

I smile shyly, I’m sure I must have turned red. “That’s so sweet of you…well..I-,”

Hong Gi nods. “I know…you must be going now…go take some rest, you look very tired…and give my wishes to your band!”

I nod and smile. “Yes! I will…Fighting!”

“Fighting!”

And again I’m all alone on the corridor, continuing with my zombie walk. Oh! All the things I’m doing for them and what do I get in return! There pathetic silent treatment-

I almost hop out of my skin when my phone starts to blast in my pocket. I pull it out, and assuming its hara, I ignore checking the number and lay it against my ear.

“Hello?” I say, expecting her squeaky voice on the other end, but what I hear instead is a deep voice of a man, and my heart skips a few beats. I know this voice well, I know it just so well…

“Miss Lee? Doctor Kim here…”

“Nae…” I say, fearing the tone of his voice, and so he gives e the answer of which I’m horrified of more than anything else. Y whole body freezes, my jaw falls slack, and tears wells up in my eyes as he speaks.

“Your brother…he got a again…”

“Why is it taking her so long?” Minan asks as the members of Treasure sits around, waiting for their supervisor to usher them back stage. It worries Won Bin, her being so late. It has been around fourty five minute since she left, it normally takes her around twenty minutes to settle everything out, and now, he even tried calling her, but she won’t even pick up her phone.

“Do you think she’s still upset?” Minan asks again, to whom Jong Hun answers. “Obviously, she didn’t even say a word to me yesterday, she’d never be like that”

“Yeah…she is…” Ha Ra says from where she’s sitting, doing her make up. “She begged me to come along for the recordings that day because she’s lonely…she goes through a lot if you don’t know that…and what she needs is someone to love…you guys shouldn’t do that to her…except for me, her family and you, Hong Gi is all she has…”

Won Bin knew it almost too well. He has seen how much she loves her brother, and how she suffers in her family, and how she suffers, earning for her sick brother. He has seen her tears, not once but many times, and that’s why he came to the decision of hiding his feelings for her. If being with Hong Gi makes her happy and keeps her smiling, if it comforts her enough, he’d let her love anyone she wants, because her happiness is enough of love he’s getting from her. But now, he’s worried. She always picks up her phone no matter who calls her because she doesn’t get many calls very often, and she usualy is fast, it doesn’t take her too long to finish all her work and come back to see if they’re doing well before taking them backstage. She will always give them one of her speeches which will always cause success in their performing, and will give appraising smiles being in her seat in the audience, and nothing feels better than seeing her smile…

The door of the suite flies open, and all of them jumps up on their feet, expecting to see Lee Joone rushing in, looking exhausted as ever, but his heart falls and shreds into million pieces when one of the staff enters the room.

“3224 Treasure? You’re up next.”

Jong Hun and Won Bin looks at one another, Jong Hun turns to the staff member and asks. “Where’s our supervisor?”

“She had to leave early…she won’t be here tonight…are you guys ready?”

Won Bin runs his eyes over the others, his own heart burning so severely. She can’t leave them like that! They need her! No matter how mad they’re at her, they will always need her! Without hearing her heart filling words once before a performance, how can they ever survive?

Won Bin finds himself nod. She has settled everything down before she left, so he can’t let all her efforts be put into waste. With or without her, he has to do his best. For all she has gone through for them even while not being in good terms with them , she has done it all, so for her, he will do his best, even though she’s not hear to listen to the song he wrote for her being sung on the stage.

“You, young lady can go to the audience, row five, can you find your way?” The  staff member asks. Ha Ra smiles. “I’d be fine! Thank you ahjussi!” She gets up and walks to them, “Good luck then! I’ll try to contact Joonie later, see you!”

It’s minan who greets her back. “Okay! And take care noona!”

“Okay, boys, enough good byes, lets go!”

The four of them soon gets hold of their instruments and walks out after the staff member in silence, they soon find themselves behind the stage, waiting for the second call. Won Bin’s feeling weirdly nervous in a way he has never felt before. She’s not here to make them feel better, not here to give her appraising smiles, not here to encourage them. Will they do alright?

“3224 Treasure? Take your positions on the stage…”

And soon he finds himself behind the mike, on the stage facing thousand people waiting for the next call to start. But it’s almost as though he can’t hear the next call, because through the screaming and cheering crowd, his eyes run over and over again in hurried movements, searching for her presence. He needs to see her, right now he needs to see her ever beautiful face, her perfect features and let the feelings fill his heart. But he can’t, because in the crowd of thousand people, her face cannot be found, and no matter how many times his eyes will search, he can’t find her, because she’s not there. Tonight, she won’t be here to listen to him when he will sing for her, when he will sing the song that he wrote for her with all his heart...