Throughout his eighteen years of life, what he has always felt the most is sorrow and hurt. He’s a son of a rich family where being the youngest child has no meaning to it,  where loving someone is nothing at all and where money is considered the basis of everything in life. Won Bin never received the love that a child needs to grow up, he grew up on his own, learned everything on his own, comprehended everything that one might need in his life on his own, but only now he realizes, as a child lacking of affection and care, he still hasn’t learned one single fact on which his life now seems to be affected completely… He still hasn’t learned how to love.

He hasn’t loved anyone before so that he hasn’t received any experience before. But he tried…he tried his best to show it to her, he tried his best to love and protect her, but in spite of the lack of affection that he has experienced in his life, he’s not doing enough, he’s not devoting enough of himself to love her that causes her to move further away and away from her, the one girl that he loves, until she ends up with a love of her own leaving nothing behind for him but sorrow.

He needs to know what is missing in him, what he’s not giving her, what she’s not receiving enough from him that she’s pulling further and further away from him. He tried his best to show it to her although she’s still convinced there is another girl that he likes. How can he ever convince her of his true love? How can he ever explain it to her that the girl he’s desperately in love with, the girl that he always talks to her about, the girl he’s ready to give his love to, is actually Lee Joone herself when things are apparently this way? She finally did it, she finally convinced him to do it, and now when he came to her with the present that he brought for her, that was what he had in mind, he was thinking of confessing to her and show it to her that she’s the one he’s madly in love with. But now, how could he when he’s here witnessing her giving out the kiss that he failed to receive before to somebody else?

She doesn’t see him, although he’s only a few feet away from her, she doesn’t see him because she’s too engrossed in kissing Hong Gi like nothing in the world matters. She’s responding to him, he can see her doing so, he can see her hands running on his chest, her eyes tightly closed and merely responding to Hong Gi as he held her so close as though he owns her. Won Bin remembers many times that he’s been so badly hurt, but this really so badly hurts him since although he loves her, he will never get to hold her the way she’s being held right now because how much he loves her, it’s not strong enough for her to comprehend, it’s not strong enough for her to feel that she only moves further away from his grasp.

He stands still, frozen to the spot, unable to figure out what he shall do next. It’s uncomfortable for him to feel the anger rising in him after a long time, but he can’t help it, he’s mad at himself for not doing well, he’s mad at himself for not showing enough love for her, causing her to drift away from him.

Oblivious to him, his hand moves towards his pocket where the present he brought for her is silently hidden, and also which cannot be given to the rightful owner right now…or maybe never…

His anger is too superior for him to handle, and if he remains there for more longer, he can’t predict what could happen next, he needs to leave, he needs to run home and hide away until the memory of seeing her this way will fade away, but only he can’t make himself move, he’s frozen, dumbfounded and fixed to the spot, his eyes still watching her not moving away. He gulps hard. He can’t blame her for loving another, he can’t blame Hong Gi for loving her either. She doesn’t receive the rightful love from him that she doesn’t understand it that he’s trying so hard to get hold of her, it’s not her fault no…it’s him who should be blamed, Won Bin…he doesn’t know how he should show her that he loves her. It’s not Hong Gi’s fault either that he loves her, he doesn’t know that Won Bin has feelings for her, even if he does, he will never let Won Bin take her away from him, he has every reason to do so, she’s perfect, she has everything that any man will expect from a girl, and for any man who loves her, she’s everything, she’s giving all the reasons to love her, and that’s just how she is, it’s not her fault that she’s born with perfection, so he can’t blame Hong Gi for loving her, or he can’t blame her for having him loving her…it’s nobody’s fault but Won Bin’s himself, he doesn’t love her enough and it’s all his fault.

The cheering of the crowd gradually grows when the kiss finally ends and there they stand facing each other, their eyes focused in each other’s and he sees her slightly smile looking like a goddess, he can’t bear the pain his heart is giving him. He couldn’t receive that smile from her, he couldn’t receive that simple touch from her, and doesn’t he have all the reasons to be in pain?

Slowly he begins to step back, if he stays here anymore, it will be more painful for him, and if she sees him, he’d be giving it away, the look on his face is almost too obvious to comprehend the simple fact and he really can’t let her know, he has to before it’s too late, he just has too…

But he doesn’t make it too far before what he truly fears happens, before even he can disappear into the crowd, she looks up, and her eyes land on him, he gulps. For a moment he can’t move, he’s again put into the hateful moment of being dumbfounded by love. He sees her face, lightened up beautyfully by the stage lights, and for his surprise, unmistakable tears begins to well up in her eyes. He purses his lips, fearing if he’s giving anything away and he stairs back. He owns her, although she doesn’t know, he should own her, although he doesn’t, it’s how he wants it to be. He has done so much for her, he has gone through everything for her and he’s ready to go through hell for her because he owns her but why she can’t comprehend any of this? Why can’t she see him trying so hard to let her know? And even now why can’t she see the moisture in his eyes? He might not be trying enough, she maybe loving another but now, his love for her seems so obvious for anyone to understand, but why can’t she understand it?

The unreadable look on her raises his anger even more. Now he’s not sure what his anger is about, whether it’s towards himself, for Hong Gi or whether it’s towards her. All he knows is he can’t be here anymore. Seeing her before him, having her eyes on him only makes his heart pain so much until it burst and he dies, and he’s afraid that he will. So unable to have her presence before him, he steps back even more, sighs hard and turns away. He can’t understand why his anger is so superior or why his anger has everything to do with pain which is ripping through his heart so severely every moment the vision of her being lip locked with the man that she loves appears in his mind. There’s nothing wrong with that, there’s nothing significantly wrong, even she said he should love the girl that he likes no matter whether she likes him or not…but apparently it’s Lee Joone who he loves, nobody else, it’s her.

He hears slow whispers and murmurs among those who he passes by as he rushes towards the exit through the crowd who have gathered to witness Hong Gi kissing Lee Joone, but apparently he can’t understand why the cheering has stopped, and why, instead of the cheers there’s silence and a low whispering among them. Why? Shouldn’t they be happier? Shouldn’t they be happy that their entertainer at the bar has finally found himself a girlfriend? Shouldn’t they be still cheering for them? Why have they stopped…?

It’s when he’s fully out of the bar that he realizes it. He’s about to make it all the way towards the bus halt, but he’s being stopped by the one who followed him all the way out of the bar. Hearing the very voice that he has no desire to hear jut now, his heart gives him an unbearable pain, he takes a deep breath and turns to her.

It has already become dark, the lights around the bar are already turned up and the usual customers of the Memphis are already gathered around, none concerned on the weird pair of high schoolers who are staring at each other, both wearing unreadable expressions on their faces.

Won Bin can’t understand why there’s moisture in her eyes, or why her face is so darkened and wet. Shouldn’t she be happier that she finally got what she always wanted? Shouldn’t she be smiling at all those who witnessed her receiving the love she deserves? But why tears? Why being so pale and dark? He doesn’t understand. It has always been that way for him, her tears, unless he knows the reason, has always been complicated.

For a moment both of them remains silent, staring at each other as though staring into each others eyes will do any good to the matter that they have between them. It’s Won Bin who finally gathers enough strength to find his voice.

“What do you want Lee Joone? You have got everything you want, what else do you want?”

He doesn’t mean to be harsh, he doesn’t mean to say such a thing even, but for the moment, he can’t find a way to stop his anger venting out on her. He’s hurt in a way that even he can’t imagine himself, he doesn’t know what he shall do right now but letting out his anger on someone, and apparently it’s her who is before him, and he can’t help himself letting it out on her.

She’s silent. Although he expects her to yell back she remains the same, this raises his anger even more. He doesn’t mean to hurt her, he doesn’t mean to yell at her, but what really comes out is not what he expects.

“What do you want from me Lee Joone? You want me to be there watching and caring for you like-like a proud father who’s seeing her daughter finally being with a man, is that what you want? Is that why you came after me?!?”

She says nothing but stares back at him with her ever beautiful eyes teary and filled with an expression which he can’t understand no matter how long he stair into them. After a moment she shakes her head and mutters. “Why did you run away Won Bin? Was it wrong? Was it a crime, what I did that you looked at me that way and ran away?!?”

He stares back, and mutters. “Do you know how bad it could be? Now everyone knows, everyone of them knows that the supervisor of TREASURE is dating the vocalist of another group….it might be a dream coming true for you, but did you ever think about any of us?”

She stares at him for a minute and shakes her head,  tears begins to roll down her face. “No…I didn’t…you know why? Because I do enough for you and I’m satisfied with it…and I also have a right to do something for myself for my satisfaction….I didn’t think it will ever harm you….”

Won Bin shakes his head. “Don’t fool yourself Lee Joone…Don’t be such a freaking fool!! All this time it was about you! It was all about you ! I sacrificed my money, my time my everything for you and after all that we went through you say you’re not satisfied? Is your satisfaction which always matters? What about others? What about the band? What about me?!?”

She stares at him with her tear-filled eyes and mutters. “Then why…Won Bin? Why do you care if I laugh or cry or-or if I die on the road with nobody around if it doesn’t matter me, why do you care? Why?!? If it bothers you, if you really don’t want to sacrifice, then why?!? Won Bin? Why do you even care!?!”

This hits him so painfully in his heart like cold spears, as though she’s murdering him without having any desire to. He feels his own tears beginning to well up in his eyes as his heart keeps giving him painful tears. ‘Because I love you’ the tiny voice in his heart screeches in his ear. ‘Tell her Won Bin! This is your chance, tell her you love her, tell her she’s everything to you, tell her that you can’t help it, tell her you can’t stop yourself from doing it because you love her too much!!’

But he can’t. Although his heart is forcing him to, no he can’t. He can’t hurt her more, she’s hurt enough, he can see her tears, and he can see how her ever pretty face is drenched with tears which are falling for a reason unknown to him, her complicated tears, her sobbing that he could never understand…

“Then what about you? If this is not satisfying, why are you doing this? Why are you helping me? Why are you even caring to help me with a love that I can’t even receive? And even now why coming after me? You want me to be there watching your happiness like you want me to be there when you’re sad and scared?!? What on earth do you take me to?”

Lee Joone steps back, and surprising him, she starts yelling at him, putting him to a state of being completely speechless. He sees fire in her eyes although her voice keeps breaking, but she doesn’t seem to care but she goes on.

“You know what Won Bin? I don’t know what I take you to but frankly all I know is I hate you once hot cold the next minute, erratic, hurtful behaviours! Once you’d act all friendly and happy and-and then you……Just stop this Won Bin! Stop making me want to see it again and again if it’s a complete lie because it’s…apparently making me want to like you and I don’t want to! Just-just don’t care for whatever I do and stay away from me if you want to keep on acting like you care because I know you don’t! Just…!” She stops and takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. But Won Bin can’t help it staring at her, his heart suddenly struck by what she just said. Then she’s been feeling it? She’s seen it and felt it that…she’s wanted to see it again and again and….she has wanted to actually…like him…she has liked him?

Oblivious to him, his mind starts to go completely numb and out of control, as though everything is falling into place, he can’t stop his mind from repeating her words over and over again in his mind and whenever it plays, his heart goes cold, his blood becomes thick until he’s completely stuck and solid, he can’t believe he heard if from him…he can’t believe he heard it that she had the want to like him…but she doesn’t want to….all the power he just gained by hearing it fades away. She has wanted to like him, but she doesn’t want to,  she wants to stop liking him because all he’s doing for her, she thinks he’s putting up an act before her….she thinks all that is…fake. Unreal, a lie…but how can he prove it that he’s not? He’s not faking it, of course he’s not! For a man grown up lacking of love, that’s as much as affection that he can give her, that’s as much as sincerity that he can show her….why does she think all of it is fake? Unreal? He’s being as real as he could…

He takes a deep breath and waits for her to open her eyes and really look at him just once, so he can explain everything. He’s innocent, he has not done what she’s accusing him of, he’s real, the love he has for her is true, and if she feels it, she shall embrace it…live in it, because what she feels is true….she can like him, she has no boundaries to do so….and if she does…everything will be perfect…he only has to explain…confess to her that all the affection he has been showing her are true…

He sees her open her eyes, they bear into his face like a pair of beautiful stars, he always liked her eyes, the calmness of them, and seeing them happy and bright always makes him happy, and it always makes his day…every time he looks into them, he’s lost in them, she takes him into a completely different dimension where only she and he exists, and he loves the feel of it, but right now, the feel is gone. In her eyes, there’s an expression, a message that he can’t decode no matter how hard he tries to. It makes him so unsure of how exactly she’s feeling right now. He’s not sure if she’s ready to hear what he has to say, or if he’d hurt her by saying that. But now that she practically said it, he can tell her…he can explain…

“Lee Joone…I…” He hears his voice say, and deep inside, he begins to tremble so hard. He wanted it to be a proper confession, he wanted to tell her everything so clearly and properly to make her understand, and finally treat her with a blissful kiss. He wanted to confess to her at a place where no one can see, no one can hear them, where there will be him and her all alone so that he will be able to watch every single movement that she makes, so that he will be able to feel her completely with no interruption, but right now, he seems to have no other option but confess. He sees her waiting for him, her eyes still bearing into him, and now that he has begun, he’s completely powerless before her very eyes. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, his hand reaching down to his pocket where her present is still concealed, and finally opens his eyes.

“Lee Joone…I….In fact I-,”

But as always, breaking him into thousand million pieces at once, he’s being interrupted by a familiar voice, a voice he really dislikes to hear at the moment. He sighs having no option but give up and turns to his right to see Hong Gi hurrying towards them in quick footsteps with concern filled in his eyes. He never had a grudge on him, although he likes Lee Joone, he never did, but right now, he wishes if she never really met him so that Won Bin can own her completely, but this has been his fate, he cannot undo it now. Maybe this is just how they’re meant to be. Lee Joone, to love another man, thinking that the affection that Won Bin’s giving her is unreal, and also Won Bin, waiting for that one special day to come, wait forever until it does, until finally when it never does, hurt himself underneath and die…maybe that’s how they’re destined to be, maybe they’re never meant to be together, so he steps away. He can’t confess. The man who loves her, the man who she loves instead of him is finally there for him, so he can’t tell her, and so he never will. She will convince herself, she will end up with Hong Gi, whose love she seems to understand completely, at least one person will be happy while the other will be completely devastated and wretched because he failed to receive the love that he soughed after…

Hong Gi’s voice gets nearer and nearer until he can practically feel him, and along with that, it occurs to him that there’s no point of remaining here anymore…he shall go, and never put himself into this state again. Now he knows enough, he wants to see no more, he wants to know no more, so he steps back, furthere away from her, and swallows hard, seeing her tear damped face before him, her eyes watching only him. He glances to his side, breaking their long eye-lock and sees Hong Gi so near, and so he turns to Lee Joone when he hears her mutter his name.

“Go Lee Joone-,”

“But what were you about to say?” She asks in a low voice. He shakes his head. “Only that I don’t get it Lee Joone, I didn’t get whatever you meant before, so there was no point…”

“Won Bin-ah…” She whispers, but he steps further away from her and says, not really wanting to say so. “Go to him Lee Joone…he’s the one for you…he loves you…so go for him….and I don’t care just how you want it to be…”

“Won Bin-,” She tries calling him back, but now he ignores her. Now that her rightful partner has already come to her, he sees no point of remaining there anymore. He shall go, and so he does. He turns away, completely ignoring her, leaving her all by herself to join her love who’s waiting for her and slowly makes it towards the bus halt, wishing he never came here on the first place…no, wishing he never let her go after their date before…if not, she’d still be with him, pretending to be Lee Joone herself…

And so he climbs into the first bus which comes around, it’s when the bus passes by the Memphis that he sees it, her being held tight by whom she deserves it…

 

 

 I can’t take it when everything falls apart just before my eyes because nothing can hurt me more. And right now when my true lover is leaving me as though I’m nothing to him, I can’t take it, I can’t bear the fact that all I’ve known are true. I can’t figure out what I did wrong for him to look at me that way although I know what I did to myself is wrong, it only affects me, it only bothers me, but why will he look at me as though I made the biggest mistake of my life? I know I shouldn’t have given in, I know I shouldn’t have merely indulged it before many eyes watching me because it’s me who will receive all the trouble, but why will it bother him? Of course it was the supervisor of the Treasure kissing the vocalist of FT four, but these are our private lives, behind the scenes of BOTB, no, it has nothing to do with BOTB, this is my life which has nothing to do with it, and it obviously wasn’t his problem, then why for heaven’s sake, will he treat me as though I just did a mass crime?

As I stand here in Hong Gi’s hand, watching nothing but him leaving me behind, my heart keeps on giving me severe pains, wanting to convince me to let him go. I told him, yes I did. I told him that I can’t stand his behaviours, once he will treat me as though it’s me who he refers to as her, which is a total lie, and the next minute I’m nothing but crap for him, nothing but freaking crap. He won’t hear it, no matter how many times I beg him, no, he will never hear it, even if he does, he won’t care, just the way he told me. So how can I love all the affection he’s giving me thinking that it’s not me but her? All his fake likeness, fake care and fake affection and his unbearable looks which means I’m a complete criminal, how can I bear this all if all he’s doing is simply pretending?

All this time I’ve been hiding all my feelings, hoping and wishing all that is true, but the fake look on his face which was almost too real, and the real confession that Hong Gi just made for me, all of it are troubling me in my mind, unable to figure out what is truly happening here. I want to go back in time and change it all, live in my secret date with him forever, never give in to Hong Gi’s kiss but somehow replace it with Won Bin’s although it will be completely unreal. More than anything else, I want to understand everything which I don’t. Why is it wrong for me to be with Hong Gi if it’s not wrong for him to be with me instead of being with the girl he loves? And what problem he has against me being with Hong Gi if him being with me, if unintentionally making me fall for him is not a problem at all? Why is he doing this to me? Why is he helping me, spending time with me, let me cry all my sorrow on him, let me do all the crazy stuff of my childlike desires with him, if he doesn’t like me, if he likes somebody else, why does he do all this? Doesn’t he know that he’s actually making me love him even more? I’ve been keeping it all inside me, convincing myself over and over again that I can’t love him, but now he’s leaving me after giving all the reasons to do so, I’m a girl for heaven’s sake, and now that Hong Gi has confessed to me, how can I take it all at once?

No I can’t. I’m so powerless and unstable to do so. I can’t convince myself to ignore my feelings towards Won Bin and love Hong Gi instead because now I’m tired of even trying. I’m afraid I will die trying too hard. He can’t keep on giving me more reasons to love him if he has no feelings towards me, he can’t keep on making me love him more if his heart is with another because I’m also a person with feelings, I also love, so why can’t he just stop it and stay away from me?

But then again…if he does, I will die. My feelings for him is too hard to mear, and if he keeps on doing this, I will explode and die, and he wouldn’t even care. My love is too superior that I can’t love he who truly loves me for who I am…can I be more of a wreck?

“Ssh…Joonie…it’s alright…don’t cry…” I hear Hong Gi whispering in my ear, and it hurts me even more. How can I turn my back on him when he loves me this much? How can I hurt him by loving someone who doesn’t even love me back?

I cry harder and harder into his shoulder, gripping onto his shirt as though I will die the next minute, and it’s a wonder hoe Hong Gi’s holding me even after seeing the reason why I’m shedding my tears here. It’s after a moment that I find myself backstage in his suite with him watching my face as I let out low sobs. He purses his lips and takes my hand.

“It’s what I did isn’t it…” He asks in a low voice, but I don’t answer. Instead I hang my head and remain silent, waiting for him to speak. He begins to slowly squeeze my hand. More tears begins to well up in my eyes. He likes me so much, I can feel it right beneath, but how can I love him back? I’m so exhausted trying to divert all my feelings towards him, they have all gone for another, and apparently they have gone too far.

“Look….Joonie…if-if I made you upset….I’m really sorry, I didn’t know…”

He reaches out and lifts my face in his hands, but I keep on staring down at my feet, unable to face him. He saw me, he saw me running after Won Bi right after his confession and he saw me crying before him when he left me there as though I’m nothing but crap. How can I face him after humiliating him in front of many people that way? And how can he be so calm after what I did to him?

“Joonie…is there anything you want to talk about? If there is…I’m all ready to hear it-,”

I lift my head and face him. I see his eyes bearing into mine full of concern, waiting for me to speak.

“Hong Gi-ah….” I mutter, finally finding my voice. “…What…will you do…if you realize you’re loving someone…who doesn’t love you back…”

Surprising me, he squeezes my hand and smiles. “I won’t do anything but go on loving her….”

“But…won’t you be…hurt…?” I ask, surprised his answer. He shakes his head. “Ani…it will, But I ignore…I will be happy as long as she’s happy…”

“But Hong Gi-ah…” I begin to interrupt, but he lays his finger on my lips. “Arayo….Joonie-ah…nareul  arayo…” (I know Joonie, I know…)

I stare at him, unable to figure out what exactly he means, he squeezes my hand even more. “You don’t have to cry…I know now, so don’t…”

I shake my head, still unable to comprehend what he mean. He keeps on smiling, keeps on holding my hand as though he will never let me go, but I still don’t understand what he means.

“What do you know…Hong Gi-ah, I…don’t understand-,”

But before I can even finish what I’m saying, he leans over and slightly kisses me. I’m surprised by the sudden movement that I stay still, as he moves away, warm tears begins to form in my eyes. He still likes me, and then what does he know that I don’t?

“Lee Joone, I’m in love with someone from whom I don’t receive it….but nareul gwenchana…(I’m alright…) As long as she’s happy…I’m alright…”

My heart stops beating and eye feel myself being completely put into fire by his simple words.
…He loves me…and he knows…he knows I can’t love him back…

Before even I can stop myself, I start crying again, this time, I run both my hands around him and hold him tightly against me. He loves me, and he’s letting me go because I can’t love him back…
He holds me in his hands as I cry my heart out into him, unable to take all the pressure all by myself. This is all his fault. If won Bin didn’t care for me, pretending I’m somebody else, or to protect the band, I would still be hating him, and I will be loving Hong Gi who’s giving me his sincere love.

For a moment we remain the same, and when my tears are dried and gone, I back away and look into his face. “I’m really sorry Hong Gi-ah…I’m lost…I don’t know what to do…”

He shakes his head and smiles. “No…you’re not lost…if it’s whom you really love, don’t stop…”

“But…” I say and swallow hard. “He doesn’t care…it’s hurting me…”

He smiles and touches my cheek, making my heart skip a beat. “He does…trust me, he does…how can he not care for it if it’s you who loves him? He’s so lucky to be loved by you…”

I shake my head. “Aniya….Hong Gi…he…loves somebody else…”

Hong Gi gives me a smile. “But do I stop loving you? No…so don’t you too…it will only hurt if you try to force yourself to stop…He will realize the truth one day…”

I bite my lip. “Hong Gi-ah…I tried…I’m-I’m sorry that I can’t love you…I wish I could-,”

“No…Joonie, I’m alright….I’m sorry if I ruined it…but….doesn’t he have a reason to…run away like that…? It’s crazy if he doesn’t like you…”

I shake my head. “Ani…he doesn’t…I’m helping him out to love the girl that he likes, he seems to have the same problem that both of us have…”

He smiles and touches my cheek. “That makes three of us…but don’t let it break you down…you’re strong…if he doesn’t like you back, laugh like a crocodile, point it out he’s a loser!”

I smile, remembering him laughing all along at our first date, I really liked him, even now I do…I never get tired of his presence, his touch, his laughter, I like everything about him…but apparently, it’s not love…now I know it’s not…but it doesn’t have to be…
I can’t make myself love him, and he knows that I can’t…he wants me to love Won Bin, he saw how desperate I was, and just how I’m doing it for Won Bin, Hong Gi’s doing it for me.

“I don’t laugh like a crocodile!” I complain, Hong Gi begins to laugh. “Of course you don’t! But if he never turns up to love you, you will have to…”

I smile. “He won’t, but I won’t laugh like a crocodile…” I turn to him and take his hand. “But…we are still friends right? No matter if he turns up or not…”

Hong Gi nods. “Yup! We still are…but you have to call me when you will have to laugh the croco laughter one day, I will help you!”

I lean over and pat on his hand. “yah! Lee Hong Gi! I won’t laugh like a croco! I never will!”

He laughs and gets up on his feet. “We’ll see…let’s wait for it…”

I smile and get up on my feet, feeling light. He loves me, and he’s letting me go….and it truly is a relief because as a friend, I will give him all my love, and he’s letting me to…and I will do my best…

Together we begin to make it to the bar area, we go on laughing along but both of us stop dead when we meet Seung Hyun by the entrance to the bar. He looks at us, completely dumbfounded, and mutters. “Joonie noona…you like….Won Bin hyung?”

My heart stops, suddenly I get this huge desire to be in through the floor. Staring only at him, I begin to stutter, I look at Hong Gi for help, but he remains smiling. I turn back to Seung Hyun, but I couldn’t stutter even, surprised by the sight before me.

It’s Jong Hun, staring at me with wide opened eyes, looking as though I just said the most unbelievable fact on earth. I gulp, but my fear fades away along with his smooth smile, and he mutters. “I knew this will happen…and now I know I’m right…”

 

 

 

During his ride on the bus back home, he’s thinking whether the conversation he and Lee Joone had before made any sense, and now that he comes to think of it, the only thing which made sense to him is where she said she wanted to like him, and that, if he looks through it, it doesn’t make any clear sense. only that she’s a girl who is completely so clueless, which is actually cute of her, but the situation is not, because Won  Bin has tried so hard to show it to her that it’s her she’s talking about, what reasons that she has to say that what he’s doing is…all fake? Okay, he might have convinced her that there is another girl, but she’s so stupid to not to realize that he has never mentioned a name or anything about her, isn’t it obvious that he’s making it all up?
And yeah, now he has ended up blaming it all on her.

But now he’s practically running mad all by trying, and he’s not up to give up even! What if he go on doing this…until he actually realize that he has lost it all? There’s the semi-final round of the BOTB in three days, to which the band hasn’t practiced even, they haven’t still decided on what to do, instead he’s running completely mad over his love, which is more tangled up, crazy situation from which he doesn’t seem to get out from.

Only now he realizes it that, love…is a rather complicated matter than he has ever known, and girls are even more…

Having complicated states of mind actually makes work easier. That’s what he thinks when he finds himself before his gate sooner than he expected. The night has already come up, and all the lights of the gate pillars of the rich houses in his avenue are up, lightening the place enough for him to make out his way, and when he enters through the tall gates,

He immediately sees it, senses it, feels it, something’s not right at his place.

Panicking at the first sight, he starts looking around the place for his guard, he sees him in the stone path to his house, giving orders to someone who he has never seen before, and who’s apparently doing the flower beds in the garden. There’s a lorry parked on the end of the wide stone path, there are few other men in the garden in some sort of a uniform, doing the flower beds and the grass, and also the lights in the garden are put up, and he sees more men colour-washing their massive house.

Well, this is not a very odd sight for him since those things are done every three months at his place, what he actually finds weird is that them being done at this time of the day. He was at home the whole morning, and none of it was done, why now?

And what’s more? He finds this odd kind of pink and white van parked in the stone path with its back door open. He widens his eyes. This is a situation that he has never come across in his life.

And yes, today was a weird day for him, first, Lee Joone’s crazy apologies, and then dating her pretending to date Lee Joone herself, then seeing her kiss, and now, this. Won Bin’s life has never been so complicated before.

He sighs hard and makes it towards the entrance. At first he thinks of using the back door, but he has always been unappeased of it so he takes the front door anyway.

And so he stops dead, surprised by the sight before him.

In his hallway which is normally silent and empty are many women running around. Half of them are his house maids, the others unknown and he sees them holding various things, small plates with pieces of…cake, different kinds of fresh flowers and…dresses put in covers…

…wedding dresses…

In a flash, things begin to fall into place. The gardeners, colour-washing the house, cakes, flowers, wedding dresses…

Without even stopping himself, he rushes towards his sister’s room, anger beginning to rise within him. She lied to him….she said she won’t…not this soon…

He doesn’t think more as he pushes open the door of Yoo Bin noona’s room, and when he does, he feels his heart ripping into pieces.

His assumptions are true…she has lied to him…

At his arrival, all the work being done in the room stops in a flash and all the faces turn to him. But his eyes are not on any of them but on the stage put up in the middle of the room, he doesn’t understand how exactly he feels just now.

More than feeling angry, he feels sad because he doesn’t feel so happy seeing that his sister is finally about to get married. This is a moment he must feel hapy seeing his sister dressed in a wedding dress lokking beautiful as ever, he knows that that’s what exactly she expects of him, but he doesn’t feel that way. He has been lied. She promised him that her marriage will not happen soon, she promised him that she will wait until his graduations end, but now seeing her this way, he realizes how badly he has been lied. She has lied to him, she hasn’t waited.

Taking slow steps, he approaches her. He sees how her eyes are filled with her usual concern as he does, and when he’s close enough, he mutters. “Noona, you lied to me…”

For a moment, Noona remains the same, watching his face with a look that he can’t read. He’s hurt even more now, being practically tricked, twice for one single day. Being hurt by Lee Joone, he can somehow bare it since it has happened to him not just once but many times, but being hurt by his sister, he can’t remember the last time that it happened to him, and now, he can’t figure out a way that he can ever bare it.

“Binnie…” Noona whispers at the end, but Won Bin doesn’t wait for an answer. He begins to rush his way out of the room. He doesn’t know where he’s going to. Only that he’s walking, but his mind is somewhere else. He remembers her saying so clearly after her engagement party about six months ago, her promising him that her marriage won’t happen until he graduates at the end of this year, and at that moment, he trusted her. It’s not that he doesn’t want her to have a happy married life, no, he will never think of anything of the sort. It’s only that he can’t take the fact that soon, he will be left all alone in this big house, having no one to speak to. He will have to live this live nightmare all by himself. If she leaves, no…when she leaves this house soon, he will be all alone, unknown and neglected by his parents, having nobody to speak to, to ask for advice, to do anything with, he will be left all alone. It has been his biggest nightmare ever since his sister told him of her engagement, he had to beg her to not to leave him until he leaves for college. College plans at a university far from his parents has always been in his dreams, but without having his sister around, he won’t be able to make it through. And now that she’s leaving him, he will never make it through, no…not until he finally finds himself in a few years being a classical musician, looking as much as wreck as his father is, married and after a divorce with Hyun-a, ruining the lives of a poor orchestra.

He stops before his room, and sighs hard. The truth is, he doesn’t want to be at home, he wants to go somewhere, where he can’t hear, sense or feel any of what which are going on in his house, because, for his sister, all of it must be exciting, he knows how much she has been looking forward for it, but for him, it’s only the beginning of his biggest, life long nightmare.

He enters his room and simply walks in, ending up falling into his bed. His head is rather heavy after all that he went through for just one day. After what happened last night, he has been feeling down, this morning, seeing Lee Joone’s cheerful smile and laughter, it smothered out up to a certain extent, and it went off completely after going on a crazy date with her having her pretending to be herself, but now, it’s back. He’s feeling down again, completely hopeless, and what he really needs is someone to speak to. But apparently, the only one person he can speak to is apparently busy getting ready for her wedding.

It’s after a moment that he hears a light knock on his door, he knows the beat of it, and his anger rises even more. He ignores it and remains lying on the bed, not feeling very likely to answer the door. But then again, he doesn’t have to, the door gets answered by itself, and Yoo Bin Noona enters the room.

She’s still in her wedding dress, her red-brown hair covering her bare shoulders, and her face darkened with concern, but he ignores it. He doesn’t care. No matter how concerned she is, he just doesn’t care because she has lied to him.

“Won Bin-ah…I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you-,” Noona mutters.

“Jeo ri ga” (Go away) Won Bin interrupts, having his eyes concentrated only on the wooden ceiling above him. He’s always stubborn, to which his sister is used to, but right now, he knows that she won’t wait.

“Look, Won Bin, just let me explain...”

“gu nyang ga”  (Just go) Won Bin says again, but she doesn’t seem to listen. Instead, she approaches him and sits down on the bed. He can feel the sweet scent of her wedding dress, and also the softness of it’s material, so he turns to his side and says no word. She lays a hand on his arm.

“Binnie…sweety, I’m sorry…I was worried I couldn’t tell you before….I started planning this a few months ago-,”

This catches his attention. He turns around and sits right up. “You planned it few months ago and never told me?!?”

“Won Bin…” She mutters, but he doesn’t stop.

“Noona you told me you wouldn’t get married this soon! You said you will wait until I enter university! You lied to me!”

“Honey, listen-,”

“Why couldn’t you stay for a while noona! You know how it will be like! You know how they treat me!”

“Won Bin stop it!” Noona yells finally, making Won Bin purse his lips and look away. He hasn’t yelled at his sister this way since…no, he can’t remember the last time he did, he and his sister have such a close relationship, and even the thought of her leaving him hurts him so much. He can’t think of a way that he will ever survive it without her here.

He feels her hand squeezing his, he looks up at the ceiling without a word, feeling slight tears in his eyes. He doesn’t cry, he never does, but right now, the thought of her leaving him brings tears into his eyes.

“I’m sorry I kept it from you…Binnie….I was so afraid this will happen…I was waiting for the last moment…”

“Last moment?” He asks, still looking only up at the ceiling. “Wae? You think it will do any difference if you did? Tsh!”

“No…I know it won’t….but at least it will keep us together for a while, but now you’re already hating me…”

Won Bin decides to not to answer her and asks. “When is it…?the wedding…”

There’s silent for a moment, and finally she answers. “This…Saturday…”

Won Bin gets a minor heart attack and he turns to Yoo Bin, his eyes wide and filled with tears. “This Saturday? You kept it from me, planned it behind my back for so long! You never told me a single thing about it!”

“I told you I’m sorry! Please don’t do this-,” She begs, but more tears comes into his eyes. He always thought his sister was different, it’s only her who he trusted all his life. He is always neglected by his parents, and only his sister never did so, but now she has…she has neglected him as much as all those he wants love from, have…

“Don’t do this? I’m not doing anything to you noona! You’re the one who neglected me! You all do!”

“No no! Won Bin listen!” Noona says and tries to take his hand, but he snatches it away. He doesn’t want to stay here anymore, it will only hurt him more. He has seen and learned enough now. After all that he has gone through for this few days, now he has grown to learn that the only person he can trust is himself, nobody else. He has trusted his sister over himself for so long, he told her everything, he has no limit when he comes to it, and there’s nothing that she doesn’t know about him, but now it turns out that he has not known so much about her. She has listned to him, alright, but she has kept many things from him.

Without another word he grabs his coat and the keys and begins to walk out of his room. He hears his sister calling out to him a few times, he hears her calling his name but he doesn’t care. He has been neglected enough, kept away from family businesses enough, it’s as though he doesn’t belong with them anymore. He has kept away from her engagement, didn’t attend to many of the family events, do whatever that his parents force him to do…it’s his noona who always helped him through all this, but when she gets married and leaves…he’d be left with them all until he’s devastated and finally gone.

He’s back on the road, in his jeep, driving at full speed having no idea where he’s headed to. There is no exact place that he go to when he’s mad, except the Treasure Island, but right now, he doesn’t feel like going there either, because what he needs now is not being along, he will be lonely enough in the near future, he doesn’t want it this early. He needs company, someone who will listen to him and comfort him. He will usually go to his sister and tell her everything, but now since he can’t talk to her….he’s left with only one person in mind…

As he drives along, a heavy downpour starts to fall covering his view on the road, but he somehow drives along with all the power he has. His eyes begins to cloud with tears as many memories of him and his sister flows into his mind. She has always been there for him no matter what, how will he ever make it through without her? He has grown too close to her that whatever the problem he faces, he requires her help. But now, when she’s married and gone, who will he turn to?

But when he realizes he has driven to the right destination, it occurs to him. He can turn to her…her who wants to like him but doesn’t.

The rain has still not ceased, and there is also no sign of it ceasing so he decides to park the jeep at the end of the slope and wait. He sighs hard, closes his eyes and lays his head back, unable to take up the fatigue and pressure, all of it in at once. This is too much for him for just one day, he can’t remember being pressured this much before…and he had this sudden feeling if all  the pressure he’s receiving now, whether it started after meeting Lee Joone…

But no…because now he realizes that whether he met her or not, his sister would have gotten married, but if he never met her, he will have no body to turn to.

The thought of her suddenly brings the urge to simply run to her and see her for real. He knows, although they’re after a fight, she will always accept him with her warmest smile and listen to him, that’s one of the many reasons why he loves her.

Thinking of her actually helps him keep his mind off for sometime, the time that he has spent with her has always been enjoyable for him, although she’s quite annoying…no, her being annoying is really cute…she’s really cute on the whole…when she’s laughing, when she has food all over her face, when she’s screeching like a cat, when she’s holding the stuffed toy…and even when she wears the baby hair pin…

Lee Joone’s happiest moment theory works for him for a while that it helps him to keep his mind off for a bit off all the complications. And it’s when he’s halfway through being fine, that his sister calls him on the phone. He’s pretty much engrossed in looking back at his happy memories that he doesn’t even look at the number and picks it up, and when he hears his sister’s voice, all his happy memories are gone.

“Won Bin-ah…Honey, don’t go anywhere, come home it’s raining hard…” His sister pleads; he glares out at the rain and mutters.

“Don’t call me…”

She sighs on the other end. “Binnie, you don’t have to be that mad at me…I told you I didn’t mean to hide it from you, I was so worried if this will happen, I hate to see you this way-,”

But he listens to her annoying squealing anymore, he doesn’t want to. He has heard enough now, he just feels as though all he hears are lies. What lie can make another feel better after neglecting him so much?

Instead of speaking to her, he cuts off the line, pushes it into his pocket and unlocks the door of the jeep. The rain still has not ceased, but he can’t wait for it to stop. His anger again has reached to its after speaking to her, and now he really needs someone to speak to. So he gets down off the jeep, and ignoring the heavy downpour, he walks through it upwards up the slope. There’s dirty water flowing downwards, dampening his sneakers and his pants, he’s getting wet from head to toes, the rain drops are heavily falling on his head and it’s almost impossible for him to walk up the slope with the water flowing downwards, he can hardly see the road, but he doesn’t care but somehow walk it up until he’s right before her doorstep.

But when he is before her front door, he suddenly feels as though he shouldn’t disturb her at this time of the day. He made her cry, did something completely stupid, humiliating her in front of many people, and he couldn’t even give her the gift that he bought for her. More than anything else, he doesn’t want to ruin things by visiting her at this time of the day, her grandma must be obviously at home, and it will be her who will get scolded for letting him in.

But even being in a place close to her feels good since she just feels nearer, and so since he cannot bother her by going inside, he climbs up the steps and sits down under the short shade of the house, and although it’s uncomfortable, it doesn’t matter as long as she feels near. And so he stays.

It’s a long rainy night for him than he expects.

 

 

“Did you take out the garbage yet Lee Joone!?!” I hear grandma yelling out my usual late night chores while I’m busy checking out myself to see if I’m pretty enough for that bug head who I’m in love with, to like me. I’ve been doing that for so long, trying out different things with my hair and making faces, but none of them seems to work out to remove my ugliness…gosh! I need face transplantation!

“Lee Joone! Put out the garbage before you sleep!” Granny calls again.

“Arasso!! I will!!” I yell back and turn back to the mirror. Grandmas are seriously so annoying!

“Then I’ll be going to bed!!”

I roll my eyes and mutter nonsense to myself before turning back to the mirror and stare longingly at my own reflection, wanting to melt away. I’m a wreck, a serious wreck, how could he even like me? How could I even expect it? Hong Gi…well, that…I don’t know….maybe he hasn’t really loved anyone before that, that things just turned out to be that way. I’m glad that things are fine between us now, he might not get over it this soon, I feel so bad that I did this to him…but I can’t lie to myself anymore. I wish he knows….maybe he does, otherwise he won’t have let me do what I want. But then again, only now that it occurs to me that there’s no point of letting go of he who really likes me and have feelings for someone who doesn’t.

I sigh heavily and bite my lower lip hard. It’s actually so hard, being a wreck. Now that I’m seeing myself, she must be prettier, beautiful, even, beautiful enough for him to call me ugly and give me some pathetic kiddie’s clip…

…okay, it was cute…but, doesn’t he feel it actually hurt me?

I sigh again and decide to leave it. I mean, what’s the point? It’s not like it will change anything…

After oppa’s surgery, things around the house has now become calm and smooth, which is less stressing for me now that I don’t have to stress myself over curing him. The only thing which bothers me right now is my love life which shows absolutely no improvement at all. Oppa is still under treatment, he needs more resting and doctor Byeol recommended residential treatment is better, and also now that I’m earning steady enough to pay for it, things are running perfectly…but not so much…I’m still stuck to stress over my love life…

I get up on my feet and begin to trod towards the kitchen. Of all the places of my house, the kitchen is one place that I always hate, because half of the time, I happen to find aunt Mi Ja sitting in a lonely corner, looking as gloomy as ever. I never got what the problem she has to be that way, I mean, she only looks happy around guys, no matter what his age is, but now only I get it, it’s all about her lost love….

…god forbid I will end up being like her…

Just as I expected it, I see aunt Mi Ja sitting in a chair, reading a paper or pretending to read it. I greet her good night and gather the garbage lot of the day before trodding back towards the front door.

It’s heavily raining outside, and I have no desire, whatsoever to walk outside and put away the garbage, I mean, water, garbage…totally disgusting.

I mutter all the nonsense which comes to the edge of my lips as I go on walking without having any desire to, towards the front door. The rain is always cold, damp, horrible and disgusting, especially in the suburb areas, and most specially in the slope that I live in because all the disgusting dirt just simply flows downwards, half of it ending up near our door step, and me ending up walking over it the next day. And even now, the possibility of me walking down there and slipping over it is possible though my granny get’s nothing of it.  But then again, how can I ever help it?

I pull the sliding door open before gathering the sides of my sweater over my chest and take the garbage bag and step out of the house.

I don’t make it too far, by the sight before me, I immediately stop dead on my tracks, my hair dripping wet in the ceaseless rain. For a moment I’m stuck, trying to figure out what exactly the dripping wet sillouette seated on the step of my house could actually mean. My house is not the kind of a place that one will actually come down for shade or to avoid the ceaseless rain, and of course, whoever I’m seeing now, he’s actually not here for any of the sort…

…but definitely something else…

Feeling rather weird within me, I make a slow step towards the dark figure, also remembering the mere fact of not speaking to strangers, (Which granny always remind me of, whenever she catches me speaking to the dude from the newspaper place) and slowly step more closer to him…
And stop…my heart follows along…

It doesn’t take much for me to recognize him when I could see him well enough. I know him, every feature of him just too well, and even though it’s so dark, even though it’s damp and wet, even though it’s too sombre around him, I can see hm too well as though he is a shining angel…..a depressed angel…I know what his pause means…his head lowered, his shoulders narrowed and keeping silence to himself….he’s depressed….and he needs help…

The sight of him isolated in the ceaseless rain hurts me so severely, the pain runs through my veins, through every single cell in my body until it hits my heart so painfully until it grew harder and harder until it grows into undesirable anger, a rage that I can’t take in control.

Before I could even stop myself, I make it through the rain and land both my hands on his shoulders. I feel the warmth of him under my palms and see him turning around to face me. By the look on his face, my heart falls thousand miles through the floor. They’re dark, sad, and hold an unreadable message in them which, no matter how long I will look into them, I will never understand. His hair is wet, plastered onto his forehead, droplets of water drips down his face as his eyes bears into mine. For a moment, we both remain the same, staring into each other’s faces, still under the ceaseless rain, dripping wet but never caring. I’m lost in his eyes, wandering around, trying to find answers to the unanswerable question that he holds in them. He’s complicated for me to understand, too complicated for me to comprehend what those beautiful eyes mean that it takes me so long to pull away from his grasp, and that is to be pulled into his hands.

For the next few minutes I’m completely lost. My heart has malfunctioned, my breathing is not right, and everything in my world twirls around. I can feel his hands tightening around me as I remain in the same position, not understanding what exactly is going on. But without even my awareness, it happens; I too, run both my hands around him and hold him tight for comfort. I can feel his heart beating, matching the pace of mine, and slowly his face presses against my wet hair and he whispers in a low hiss into my ear; “Do-wa-jwo…Lee Joone…” (Help me)

 

 

The next thing I know is we’re both in the silent hall in my house, dripping wet and in the most awkward position ever. None of us speaks, none of us moves, nothing can be heard inside except for the loud snoring of grandma merely asleep in her room, oblivious to the presence of a man in the house. I can feel my own heart beating so hard, and I’m afraid if he will hear it and comprehend that it does so in spite of his presence before me. I still can’t understand why exactly he has come to me or what help he needs from me. All I know is that he’s here, standing before me looking like an unbearably beautiful work of art, it takes a lot of courage for me to gather my wits to finally find my words.

“Won Bin…You’re cold…” I mutter and look into his face. “I’ll…get you some cloths…wait here…”

Without any other word, I rush into oppa’s room and close the door behind me. I feel my chest tightening, feeling the weirdest feeling overtaking me inside. I know he’s here seeking for help, just how I will have done, just I have done twice already. I know what I shall do is help, but after what happened before at the Memphis, I don’t feel as though I can face him anymore. I don’t understand what exactly the reason is, but somehow…I feel different. I have given it away, I practically did, and now I’m afraid that things between us…they can change…what if they does? What if he turn to me knowing that I like him and try to change his mind about the feelings that he has for her, ending up trying to make up his mind to love someone whom he doesn’t love? I can’t change his mind about things and forcefully make him turn to me, and eventually be blamed for actually doing that to him, he will start hating me for real…now he does not anymore, I can’t let it happen, how can I ever make it stop now?

I take a deep breath and begin to walk towards oppa’s cupboard. I can’t let that happen, no, no matter how badly I love him, I can’t let him divert his feelings forcefully towards me, I can’t let him know…
But right now, I can’t not help him. He needs me, he needs my help, and that’s why he’s here, and that’s exactly what I shall do.

I pull open the cupboard door and find cloths of him which I feel might suite him. Oppa is as tall as Won Bin although he’s a bit not of the same size, but for someone as perfect as Won Bin himself, anything will suite right, so it doesn’t take much of my effort to grab something for him. I find a smooth clean towel as well, and I take a deep breath before walking out of the room.

Won Bin is still there, still in a standing position, his back turned to me, and I see him going through the framed photographs kept on the cabinet. I take another long breath and slowly make my way towards him. My sudden arrival surprises him that he quickly steps back and turns to me.

I hand over the neatly folded cloths to him and force a smile.

“Here…get rid of your cloths and come…”

He looks down at my hand, slowly takes them from me and nods. I step back and point at oppa’s room.

“There’s oppa’s room…you can change there…leave the wet cloths, I’ll wash and dry them for you…”

He nods again and begins to move towards the room. I stand back and sigh. He’s worth loving, I have every reason to love him back, every reason but one, just one reason which is apparently the biggest barrier which is keeping us further apart, one barrier which indicates me that I’m too far.

It’s a moment later that I realize that I’m also completely wet. I smile at my stupidity to myself and slip into my room.

Being out in the rain for long enough has made me completely wet, and although it’s quit warm inside, it has not done enough to dry me up. I soon find clean night cloths, put them on and search through my closet for another sweat coat since it’s still a cold night, and it surprises me when something completely unexpected, comes out. I hold up the grey hoodie up in the air before me and smile to myself. Beautiful memories, it’s what you call them. If I did not rip my skirt that day, if I didn’t reveal too much for him, I won’t have met him, I won’t have loved him, I’d have missed the best feeling of loving someone in my life, and this hoodie, it holds such a great importance…it’s how I first saw it, love.

I take the hoodie in both my hands and hug it closed my eyes, remembering the day I first met him, and the feeling of meeting a lively angel on earth, and I sing a giddy prayer. I thank god for letting us meet, I pray for it that he let me love.

When I’m done, I make it out of my room and find Won Bin already there in my brothers cloths, seated in one of the green cushions, with the towl on his shoulders, without really bothering much to dry his hair. I smile slightly at the sight of him and approach him in quick steps.

“Better?” I ask, offering him a slight smile. He nods in response. I nod back. “But you still haven’t dried your hair…” I say and look straight into his face. “Shall I do it for you?”

Won Bin stairs at me for a moment, and nods. And the next thing I know is, I’m back on my feet, standing behind him, drying his hair up with oppa’s towel while he remains sitting without a word.

“You’re such a pabo you know” I say while doing my job. “You were the one who told me staying out in the rain does no good, and now I find you doing the same, tsh…what a pabo!”

He says nothing and remains silent. I simply carry on.

“If there’s something bothering you, you should speak to someone! You think suffering alone will do any good?”

Won Bin goes on being silent, I start rubbing the towel on his head even harder and carry on.

“Gosh! Won Bin! You’re stupider than I thought! You should have just-!”

And I stop dead when he pulls away with a loud moan.

I freeze, my eyes open wide. Gosh! Did I hurt him anywhere?

“Won Bin-ah! Gwenchana? Nae ga mwol haet wo ?” (What did I do)

He pulls down the towel which is half hanging on his head and turns to me with his hand on his forehead. I widen my eyes.

Oh god! His fore head…the wound….

Without thinking anymore, I swiftly move to him and move his hand away to see a wetted plaster on his forehead and a red patch around it. The wound he got trying to save me. I purse my lips and look down at his face.

“Give me a second, let’s change the plaster…it doesn’t look very good…”

“Gwenchana-,” He says but I shake my head. “No it’s not…I’ll bring some medicine, you wait. Arachchi?”

And soon I hurry into the kitchen and grab the medicine kit before hurrying back to him. I sit on the short table before him so that I’m tall enough to reach him and hold his face in my hands.

It’s hard for me to control my feelings and desires, having him this so close to me. I hear my heart beating so rapidly in my throat, my fingers are practically trembling against his soft skin and my eyes dart all over his face, admiring every inch of him. He’s beautiful, so angel-like, and also so close to me, so tangibly close to me. Why can’t I love him? Why does my faith have to be so cruel?

I gulp hard and push the wet fringes of his hair off his face to reveal the plaster and look into his eyes, trying not to get lost in them once more, and say in a low voice, almost a whisper;

“Now, it will hurt a bit…I will take of this plaster, and if it does hurt…nae ge mal hae jwo, arachchi?”

He slowly nods, still staring into my face. I take a deep breath, trying my best to avoid that beautiful features I’m seeing so up close and with my trembling fingers, I slowly begin to pull the wet plaster off his skin.

He’s so soft and fragile that it scares me if I’d hurt him, so I am as slow and smooth as I could when trying to rip the plaster off him with my trembling fingertips. The red patch around the wound is horrifying, although I see no blood, it scares me, makes me faintish, but I keep as steady as I could. It’s me who did this to him, and so it’s me who has to help him out.

When I’m halfway done, I move back and ask in my same low voice; “Does it hurt?”

He shakes his head and mutters in a low voice to match mine. “Andwae…gwenchana…in fact…good…”

“Won Bin…”

He shakes his head and closes his eyes. “Just get it done with…”

I sigh and stare into his face. It hurts me so severely to see him looking so beautiful before me. For some weird reason, all the pain he had before has vanished, replacing it with his usual god like features. For a moment, I wonder myself if what I’m seeing is real. His frown has now completely left him, and instead, his face only holds a beautiful slight smile and creased eyes, looking as happy as he will ever be. It also makes me happy to see it, only that it gives me a slight pain that all the happiness only means the love that he has for her.

Finally I take a deep breath and carry on with removing the plaster. He doesn’t even flinch as I do so but remains the same, and when I’m done, I put away the plaster and look into the red scar on his forehead. I hold my breath.

Wounds…I hate to see wounds…

But this…I have to treat him…I have to forget my fear and treat him…

I move back and open the medicine kit to find a bottle of sprit. I take a cloud of wool and pour some into it before turning back to Won Bin. He sees me and closes his eyes once more.

I take a deep breath and say. “Okay…now this is going to hurt bad…”

He says nothing but remains the same. I take another long breath and slowly, I move closer until the wound is visible enough for me and slowly, so slowly, afraid that I might hurt him, I press the wet cotton against the open wound. At first he flinches and moves away which scares me, but when I’m about to apologize, he shakes his head and closes his eyes. I lay my free hand on his cheek and continue to press the cotton on the wound, and when I’m done, I move even closer, ignoring my rapidly beating heart and slowly blow onto the wound. I can hear my heart in my ears, my whole body has gone cold to have him this so close. I can almost hold him close to me and tell him everything, and if I truly can, I will. But knowing that it’s not me who he has in mind, I can’t let myself do it. While things are apparently this way, I can’t let anything happen between us, things shall not change, and for his sake, I will bare it all. I will hide it all as much as I can until what I really want, him confessing to the girl he loves, will happen.

When I’m done, I pull away and return to the kit to find a wound healer feeling rather cold within me. I shouldn’t really be sitting this so close to him. He might even feel as though I’m trying to change his mind about me. But then again, if I move away now, he will think I’m afraid, or guess that there’s more to it. Maybe I should remain the same. I’m only a good friend who’s helping him out…

“Lee Joone…” I hear Won Bin mutter beside me as I go on digging through the box to find a plaster. I pause as he calls my name and answer.

“Nae?”

He’s silent for a moment and answers. “You look exactly like your mother…”

I widen my eyes and look into his face. “I do?”

He nods. “Exactly the same…”

I smile. “Was it that photo over there which made you say that?”

He nods again. I smile shyly and look away, unable to think of what I shall say. My mum really is pretty with big brown innocent eyes and a very pleasant smile, but I hardly ever get the comment of looking like her although I always wished I was. And who apparently gives me that happens to be Won Bin, of all the people.

Finally when I find a plaster, I apply the wound healer on the tiny cut and place a piece of cotton on it before putting the plaster over it. And when I’m done, I pull back and sigh. But Won Bin doesn’t move. Instead he remains the same, bearing his wonderful eyes into mine. My breathing starts to malfunction once more, my whole body runs cold. He’s so close to me, just to close. In the coldness of the ceaseless rain, all alone, practically inches away from him, Here I sit, seeing and feeling only him, desires simply overwhelming me. There’s a secretive message hidden in his eyes, still concealed for me, still not in a state where I can put my hands on although I need to know what exactly it means. I’m lost in his eyes once more, lost in a world where nobody else exists but everything is right in place, a world where everything has fallen into place, a world where I can truly love him and own him just the same. I wish we can remain the same forever, I wish we truly do mean to be together but no, my fate is so cruel to me, it has always been so. He doesn’t love me, and so he can’t make himself love me. The heat of the moment can’t change anything between us. There’s a way that everything has to be done, and this is apparently not it. He can’t do this to me, he can’t do this to us. Nothing can change things from how they are.

I see him moving closer to me, and it scares me. It’s happening. What I fear right now, it’s happening. His eyes are still on me, his hand slips on the either sides of me on the table where I sit, he sits up right so that he’s tall enough to reach me and moves even closer to me. No, he’s fooling himself. He doesn’t love me, he knows that he does not.  This is only by the means of the complicated state of his mind and the heat of the moment which I also feel arousing in me, but nothing can happen, nothing shall change…

“Chakkaman…Won Bin-ah” I whisper in a trembling voice when he’s only inches away from me. I see his eyes widening and narrowing at the same time adorably and so he pulls away from me, bringing me more air to breath. I stare at him for a moment and in a flash, I quickly get up on my feet and move away.

“Feeling better? Then we can talk about why you came here on the first place, it must be something big, and better be fast, I have school tomorrow-,” I start saying without even breaking a breath, moving further away from him, having my eyes focused on him, awaiting any more signs of his movements so that I can run away. And apparently he makes none but watch me with surprised eyes. I pause and push a strand of hair behind my ear.

Won Bin watches me for a moment longer and says. “I can’t be fast…Lee Joone…I need….comfort…”

I stare back, unable to figure out what I should say. He has come to me….to me…seeking for comfort…from me…

I take a deep breath and nod. So that’s why he’s here, that’s the help he needs from me, he needs to be comforted.

I slowly walk to the cushion opposite to him and take a seat before looking into his eyes. He doesn’t look at me, but instead he looks away and mutters. “Mianne if I’m bothering you…I couldn’t think of anyone else…”

I shake my head. “Andwae…Gwenchana…you’re not bothering me, not as much as I have bothered you….”

He shakes his head in response. “You never did…but…if you can’t….it’s okay…I’ll go…”

“Ani ani ani! Wait! Gwenchana!” I say and straighten up. “Nothing of the sort…you can tell me…anything…I will listen…”

Won Bin nods and continues to stare at a blank spot, without ripping his gaze away. It’s a moment later that he finally speaks.

“Yoo Bin noona…she’s getting married…”

I widen my eyes, nearly chocking. That’s what which is bothering him so much? His sister getting married? Shouldn’t that be a reason for him to be happier?

I stay silent for a moment and answer. “Is that so…” I sis straight and look into his face. “Shall I ask why you’re so unhappy?”

He doesn’t answer but remains the same. I try again. “Wae? Are you worried? Anxious? Nae ge mal hae jwo…or it won’t do any-,”

“And she hid it from me” He answers, interrupting me, immediately putting me into silence. I only stare at him, my eyes opened wide, unable to comprehend what he actually means. For my relief, he carries on. “I tell her everything, every single thing…but she didn’t tell me a single thing about getting married…”

I watch his face change from that weird unreadable expression to something between anger and sadness. His eyes are suddenly clouded with an unreadable expression, his lips creased in a straight line as he stares at a blank space, reminding me of the first time that I met the treasure. It really bothers me to see him this way, painful more likely which actually makes me want to really help him. The matter he has might sound small in my ears, but apparently it seems as though there’s something more to it, something that I can’t recall…not being oblivious to it, of course.

“So how did you get to know it…? That she’s getting married?” I ask with my fullest concern.

“I…saw them getting ready behind my back; just today…they have been doing it for months…”

A sudden pain hits me hard in my heart seeing the pain on his face. Having my self pulled so close to him, almost clutching onto him, it’s like an instinct. I can almost feel the pain that he’s in, and even now he must be feeling neglected. I remember him telling me how he couldn’t attend to Yoo Bin noona’s engagement, and having her wedding planned behind his back, how neglected must he be feeling? I personally know how obsessed he is of her, how much he loves her. How painful could it be to have that very person neglecting him? I can’t even imagine how I ill be if my oppa ever did that to me.

“Here…Won Bin…don’t be like that…” I say, trying to be as soothing as I could. “I understand how exactly you must be feeling right now, but there must have been a reason-,”

“She has been afraid I’d be mad at her…but I can’t help it…”

I look at his clenched hand, which is clenched so hard until it has become pale. “Why…will you be mad at her…? Shouldn’t you be feeling happier?”

He shakes his head. “She’s guilty. That’s why. She promised me that the wedding won’t be until I end school, but she broke it so she’s guilty.”

“Why not until end of schooling? Won Bin that’s a sad promise to make, don’t you think? A girl’s biggest dream is to get married one day, and obviously we don’t want to stay long-,”

“But will you do that too?” Won Bin asks, making me jump. “Will you not wait but hurry off for a wedding, not thinking about those who might get hurt?”

I sigh and look into his face. “Won Bin, marriage is not easy as you think; she must have had reasons-!”

Won Bin smirks and looks away. “Yeah, right some reason…hurrying the wedding, okay, I’ll pass…but she kept it from me…”

“That’s because she was afraid you will be this way! Look at yourself Won Bin! You’re a man! You should be stronger! Not desperate and completely fallen apart! This is not the end of the world!”

He sighs and begins to get up on his feet. “You’re just the same, Lee Joone…”

I move faster and make a swift movement towards him, pulling him back down onto the cushion. “Honey! You can’t run away from everything! That’s the problem you have! You’re afraid to face the reality! I know what exactly you’re afraid of, so what? You’re a man, a man with strength and power to rise on your own, to keep steady with no help, you can do all this, but only you’re afraid to accept what’s true!”

He returns to his usual frown and look directly into my eyes. “You’d rather if I’m lonely and neglected? That’s what you want? Because that’s apparently the truth you just said Lee Joone”

I stare at him blankly for a few seconds, and finally nod, seeing that it’s the truth. “Yes…I will”

He glares at me even more and says. “You’re useless…”

I nod. “I might be…only now…But later you will see… Won Bin…” I say and let out a long sigh before walking to him and sit on the floor before him. “You have had everything in your life…brought up with such care, given everything you want, given no pain…and that has made you afraid of the reality…and also it has put you into a state of needing someone to depend on…You don’t want to believe in what’s real, you’re afraid…you have never been neglected or lonely-or-or not being loved like you think, no…then you won’t be like this, you will be stronger…but now you’re afraid of being lonely, because you always had someone beside you for you to depend on…you have never gone through real pain…that’s why I want you to be alone with all that having nobody by your side…go through it, face it bravely, let it break you down, let yourself feel the pain because that’s what which will make you stronger…”

For a moment, he remains silent, staring at me, his eyes still holding that beautiful frown which I used to hate but now I love, and asks. “Isn’t the pain I have already enough? I was lied by my own sister, neglected and forcefully controlled by my unloving parents…waiting to be loved by a girl who will never love me back…giving all I have but receiving none…isn’t that enough pain for you?”

I let it all sink into my head, and slowly I shake my head. “No…that’s not pain…that’s just what you think is…but apparently not…”

Won Bin shakes his head. “That hurts me enough Lee Joone”

I smile. “But all through that, haven’t you always had someone to depend on? That’s what I’m telling you…don’t seek for someone to depend on…your sister was always there for you, and although you think that’s how it is, your parents still do love you…and her…I have been there to listen to you and help you…and yeah, one day she will be the one to be loving you...that’s not pain, Won Bin…that’s simply just your doubts and misunderstanding…you fool yourself and think it’s pain, but it’s not…Face it Won Bin, you don’t know what pain is…”

He watches my face for a minute and asks. “Then what is…?”

I sit straight and look away. “You know how painful it is to see someone you love…dying…before your eyes…? To know that you won’t see that person ever again in your life…?” I ask, remembering that painful memories, trying hard not to break into tears and turn to face him. “And that was when I truly got to know what pain is…which made me stronger…gave me a motivation to complete what has to be done…it is to complete it that you need help, not to endure the pain…Won Bin…endure the pain on your own, Won Bin…and seek for help only when you really need it, or you will never be strong but wait for someone to depend on…”

He stares into my face and mutters. “But you had me to depend on…”

I smile and look into his eyes. “Yes…I did…but before I met you…I had no one…”

“I see…how strong you are…but even you need someone to depend on, Lee Joone…” He says, still watching my face. I shake my head. “But when you have no one to depend on, will you have to suffer on and on and die? No…you must know how to endure pain on your own…that’s exactly what I want for you…”

He sighs and looks away, still seeming not to give in. I feel sorry for him. He still can’t face it that he has to live through it one day, he has always had her beside him that he’s afraid to live without her by his side. I remember how much I wanted to have my mother beside me. It always horrified me to see oppa getting cardinal attacks back then that I’d hide away and not look at him once until he’s back to being normal, it always scared me that I will lose him. I was so afraid I will be left alone…that was when that my mother had to leave me unexpectedly, leaving me to endure more than half of the pain, fear on my own…and that made me stronger. She might have left me, but giving me a motivation, a reason to stay strong and put all my strength into saving the next biggest thing I love…I did have Won Bin’s help, his hand, his shoulder to cry on, afterwards. But all before I met him, before that magical incident took place in my life, I had to endure it on my own, and somehow I lived through…I know Won Bin is strong. He can always do better than how he’s doing already…he needs a motivation…and maybe, his sister leaving him behind will be one small push to him, and later on he will se what I really mean….but only I can’t make him understand…

It’s a moment later that he finally answers. “I will try…but it’s going to be hard…”

I smile, feeling victory rising within me. Maybe I did it, maybe I convinced him enough…maybe he will make it through although I will be to live through the pain of losing him in the end. But it’s me who asked him to endure the pain by himself. Shouldn’t I be doing the same?

“It won’t! Well…a bit…but, you will get used to it once you’re on your own…Your sister can’t be with you forever could she? She has to get married and leave you one day…so will you when you find that perfect her…You might not understand how important the marriage is…not yet, but for your sister, it’s a big step she’s keeping ahead in her life….so don’t make her feel guilty about doing it…you better apologize to her Won Bin…and wish her luck too…”

He nods and looks into my face. “Oh~I have to…I think I really made her upset…” With that, he begins to get up on his feet. “I better get going then…” He stands up and looks into my eyes. “Gomowo…Lee Joone…it was…helpful, speaking to you…”

I widen my eyes, surprised by hearing him thanking me for the first time in my life. I have heard him many things, scolding me, yelling at me, calling things at me…but ‘Gomowo’ is  one word that I have never heard him using on me before.

The shoke that he gave me leaves me out for a few seconds that what I know next is that he’s fully up on his feet, all about to leave. The thought of it makes my heart fall. I really loved it, having him at my place for so long…and the thought of him leaving me…

…I wish I can make him stay…

I too, get up on my feet and begin to walk towards him, but stop when I feel something soft against my toes. I look down to find the grey hoody on the carpet and smile. He gave this to me a month ago, on that magical day when we met…and maybe this is the high time to return it to him…

I bend down, pick it up and walk towards Won Bin who’s waiting for me, watching my conduct. He stares at me, surprise filled in his eyes as I reach my hand out to him with the hoodie in them.

“Mwo?” He asks, still looking surprised. I smile and lay it in his hand. “Sorry I’m returning this a little late…remember you gave it to me when…I…” I trail off, remembering the incident which took place when I first saw him. He stares down at his hand for a minute and looks into my eyes.

 “I remember….” He says and steps closer to me. “Lee Joone…?” He muters, making a cold shrill run down my spines. “I’ll tell you something…but you have to forget it that I said this, the instance I say it…can you do it…?”

I nod, feeling my heart in my throat once more, unable to figure out what might happen next. “Sure…I will…tell me…”

He smiles and looks straight into my eyes. “That day…when I saw you…I told you there will be many dying on the road right?”

I nod, remembering it, and I surely must have gone red on my face. I ignore my rapidly beating heart and continue to listen to him.

“That was because…I was practically…the first victim Lee Joone…you really were…too pretty…”

With his words, my heart begins to rip into sheds and do somersaults at the same time. Playing somersaults because he actually…remembers what he told me that day, making me want to see him once more. But my heart rips apart, knowing it that I’m supposed to forget it that he said it, that he remembers it…and so, for his sake, I will…

I look into his eyes and mutter. “Done…Let’s think…you never said that…”

He nods and steps back. “Yeah…let’s do so…”

“But-?” I hear myself saying, it’s as though I can’t stop myself…

“Oh?” He asks in his low voice.

I look down at my feet. “Why forgetting it?”

He stares down at me, his eyes full of surprise and slowly he moves closer to me until our eyes are crossing, making my heart run madly and mutters. “Because I can’t…not love her…”

I nod and swallow hard. “Mianne Won Bin…nareul…ara~”

He smiles and steps back. “I will be going then-,”

But he doesn’t get to go far because a sudden rain begins to fall down, and making it worse, a loud thunder breaks, making me yelp and practically fall into his hands. He starts to laugh.

“Relax, Lee Joone, it’s just a thunder!”

I look into his face, a sudden fact occurring to me. “Won Bin…were you going to go home?”

He purses his lips and shakes his head. “Ani…Treasure Island…Why you ask?”

I hesitate and look away. “Ani…Kugae…” I lift my head. “Isn’t the treasure island…scary?”

He makes a face. “Is this leading to anything?”

I sigh and step further away. “Well, I was just thinking…since you can’t walk through the rain again, and also since it’s in the middle of the night…and also since the Treasure Island is not very safe…”

He raises his eyebrows. “Are you…asking me to…stay? Lee Joone?”

I look into his face and shyly nod. And surprising me, he breaks into a laughter. “Lee Joone! What do you think I am? A cry-baby?”

I make a face, feeling offended. “Andwae!! Ka! If you don’t want to! I was just suggesting-!”

He stops laughing and nods. “Crae crae, arasso…I was…kind of thinking the same…”

I smile wider. “Great! I’ll set oppa’s room for you…”

“Sure sure…I’ll wait…” He replies with a smile and asks. “But what about your aunt and granny? She will kill me tomorrow!”

I shake my head. “Ani! I’ll be sharing the room with her…so she won’t suspect…anything…”

He nods. “Okay…alright…and the Treasure Island…well its scary while thundering…so…”

I nod. “That’s what I thought….Stay here…I will make the bed for you…”

He nods with a slight smile; I smile back and turn away before walking towards oppa’s room. This will be actually the first time that I’m having a guy sleeping over at my house, but Won Bin…I know I can trust him….he’s not that kind to make any nasty moves, he’s of the kind that I can trust with all my heart…and he admitted it, he can’t stop loving her, so I’m still nothing to him, only a good friend, so why worry to have him here? It’s not like he will even lay an eye on me…

But when I walk to oppa’s room, feeling slightly excited, a weird thought occurs to me, a thought which makes a shrill run down my spine, although which only says…

…a pair of concerned eyes is actually watching me…and there’s nobody else in the room…

 

 

 

The mornings during the spring in Seoul are considerably cold comparing to the day time, and for the suburb residents, it’s not easy to live through it, especially when it’s after a raid fall. The stiff coldness hits them so badly than it does for the town residents, and when Won Bin wakes up the next morning, he realizes that that’s exactly the case he has. It surprises him when he happens to wake up earlier than he normally does although it’s a school day, and when he sits upright in Lee Joone’s oppa’s comfy bed, the cold atmosphere has made him feel as though he’s a stiff board, or as though he has been hit by a stiff board. It’s only quarter to six as he reads the time on his watch through his blurry eyes, and since he has school afterwards, he decides to end his sleep here. He has to get back home.

The downpour which took up for hours throughout the night has now ceased, leaving the wetness of it behind, and the sky is still dark, the house is in utter silence that as he climbs down off the bed, the creak that it makes can be heard throughout the house. It surprises him at first, since his bed there in his house never makes any creaks, and so he can’t remember sleeping in such a place…but then again, knowing that he’s sleeping only a few feet away from her, he can’t think of anywhere better to sleep at. But he can’t stay here for too long. He has to go, otherwise her granny will wake up and will freak out to find him in the house.

Along with hesitation, he straightens up and walks towards the bathroom of the room. The bathroom, just as he expects, is super clean and neat, he can almost feel her busy hands working in there, just as usual, and he smiles. She has so many things that he will have expected from a girl…frankly speaking, his…wife…After having a brief wedding talk, he actually ended up thinking of his own marriage which will also happen just like his noona’s is doing. It’s crazy that he did because marrying has never been in his interests. The kind of idea that Won Bin had in mind about marrying is being stuck in a house with Hyun-A, playing  a violin and wasting all his money on her million won cosmetics and apparels until he turns eighty and fall dead in the end. But after hearing Lee Joone saying it that any girl’s dream is to get married one day, it makes him wonder if she dreams the same, and also if he plays a part in it. He wishes he does.

After a splash of water on his face, he finds himself staring at his own reflection on the mirror. Without even his awareness, his lips crease into a slight smile as he pushes back the hair off his forehead, revealing a plaster and a slight pink patch. If he knew she’s that so good with first-aid, he’d have gotten wounds all over the place and wait for her to treat them all. After last night, he can’t think of anything or anyone who will make him feel better the way that Lee Joone did. Having her treating the wound with her slender hands which he can’t even feel, blowing so smoothly over his face, looking like a goddess, and her smooth simple words…they all just simply overwhelms him. Having himself overwhelmed, seeing her eyes bearing into his, he couldn’t control his feelings back then that he practically ended up kissing her right on the spot. But now that he’s looking back, he wishes she never rejected it, he would have told her everything which needs to be said, because now, he can’t figure out whether he can control all the feelings he has towards her, they have reached the , only that Hong Gi has been faster on confessing to her.

He sighs and continues to stare into his reflection for a moment and shakes his head. He must be running crazy, he can’t believe it he has also got the love craze, and apparently it seems worse than Minhwan’s.

After having all his work done, he decides to get back to his place. He has spent too long with Lee Joone in her house, and if he stays any longer, her grandma will be up to make a complete fiasco. He gathers his wet cloths from last night and gets out of her oppa’s room. He has put on the hoodie that she gave him last night, still in her oppa’s cloths, he keeps it in mind too have them cleaned by one of his maids and send them back. He looks around the hall of the small house, hoping nobody’s up yet, and slowly makes it towards the front door. At first he considers of paying a little visit to Lee Joone, who must be still in her dream world, dreaming of Hong Gi who has now become officially his boyfriend. And he doesn’t want to disturb her tranquil sleep so he simply walks to the front door.

Traditions among the suburb residents has always been confusing for Won Bin. He can’t figure out whether they are traditions or not even! And even now, it surprises him to find the front door unlocked, as though they don’t mind having all the kinds of criminals roaming inside, or maybe Lee Joone forgot to lock it, he can’t tell. But he’s glad that it’s not because if it was, he will be stuck inside until Lee Joone’s crazy granny comes around making crazy assumptions.

He finds it very pleasant outside. Comparing to how the atmosphere was last night, this is a lot pleasant and very gentle, just like how he’s feeling inside. No, it’s even better, almost unexplainable. He knew that speaking to her will change it all, because whatever she says is real, whatever she says is true, and the way she speaks, it always makes him want to believe her. She has her ways of showing the other’s what’s right, also making that person feel so good. And oblivious to her, she’s making them fall for her, and it will go so far and yet so strong until it’s unbearable, but she doesn’t have a clue. Now that he’s seeing it, it has happened not only once but twice, and she sees only one, apparently it being not Won Bin.

He makes it down the slope, careful not to fall until he’s by the jeep. He’s surprised to see the jeep looking exactly the same as he left it last night, he kind of expected it to be completely vandalised as he has heard about parking rich vehicles in the suburbs for too long. It must have been the rain, he concludes. Or it will never be left out this way.

Soon he finds himself back in the jeep, feeling slightly disappointed that he had to leave Lee Joone without even getting a chance to thank her. But how can he help it? She surely must be dead to the world, he can’t make himself disturb her. He throws his wet cloths from the night before to the backseat and turns around to see a slightly dark outside out before him. It must be still around six in the morning, he still has two hours left before school, enough time for him to have a good bath and a rest before leaving to school, so he proceeds to start the engine…and stops. His eyes has caught up with something else which is left out in the passenger seat beside him.

It’s a pearl white box covered with a soft material with silver embossed lettering on the top. It’s the couple pendants he bought the day before. He sighs heavily and takes it into his hand. He really wanted to give it to her and tell her everything about the girl he loves, he wanted to make it happen so that he will finally have her made his forever, but he couldn’t succeed, she was already taken. Nevertheless, he can’t have the present he bought for her in his possession and regret not giving it in the end, no. He will give it to her. No matter if she’d accept it or not, he will.

Without any more hesitations, he swiftly hops out of the jeep with the box in his hands and hurries upwards the slope until he’s right before her house once more. He can’t take too long for this, her granma will be up any minute from now, and he really doesn’t want to get caught, sneeking into the house early in the morning, and so he pushes open the door and slips in.

He knows her room almost too well after seeing her walking in and out of it a few times, he still can remember seeing her looking like a goddess in blue the first day he came to pick her up. So it doesn’t take him long to reach her room. Intaking a long breath, he slowly pulls open the sliding door. His eyes darts around the room hurriedly to see whether she’s already up or if her granny is. But, stopping his heart as always, what he finds is a peacefully sleeping angel among the light blue bedspreads on her bed, and he smiles. She shows no difference in sleeping no matter where she is. It’s as though nothing feels better than having a good sleep, as though everything depends on her sleep.

Not wanting to make any sound which can disturb her dreams, he slowly makes his way towards her. He can feel his heart beating so rapidly, his own desires arousing within, all that he must ignore, and when he’s right before her, he indulges himself, watching her breathtaking beauty before sitting on the bed beside her. And that’s when he sees it, the stuffed cat, she’s holding it tightly against herself as though she will never let it go. He smiles as he runs a hand through it’s soft silk-like fur. He’s glad that he picked it up for her, he saw how much she loved it, he wishes she comprehends that he loves her more.

He lets out a long sigh and takes the box with the platinum chain into his hand. Slowly as though he’s afraid it will break, he opens the box and takes out the chain with the pink eyed cat pendant into his hand. He can imagine how beautiful it will look against her creamy white skin, he can imagine how he will feel when he sees her one day having it around her neck, will she understand that the other part of it has actually replaced the golden chain that he got from his mother when he was born?

He looks around over where she’s asleep, searching for a place where he can leave the chain for her before he leaves. He ends up deciding the best place for it is actually the stuffed pet of hers. She’s a cute little kitty screeching adorably in his ears after all!

Carefully, not willing to wake her up; he pulls the stuffed cat off her grasp and places it on the bedside table beside where she sleeps, and with a smile on his face, he slips the platinum chain over its head and lets it fall against the pink ribbon around it’s nack. He feels quit stupid doing that, so cheesy and weird, something that he has never done in his life before, he has done it now. But he can’t help it, he doesn’t know other way that he can possibly give it to her. Having it done, he feels satisfied that he sits straight and takes a good look at his work. She will love it, of course she will, it looks pretty enough to catch a girl’s attention, and although it’s not from whom she expects something, she will accept it.

Seeing her so peacefully asleep before his eyes, it happens to be unbearable for him to control his feelings towards her. He loves her so much that he wishes he can hold her in his hands right at this moment and tell her everything, but his will power stops him, it holds him back. So instead, he slowly leans over to her, pushes a strand of hair off her face ignoring the loud thump of his heart echoing in his ears and closes his eyes before planting a sweet mellow kiss on her forehead, meaning to tell her that his love for her will be forever. He slowly pulls back, admiring her beauty up close, and without thinking more, he whispers into her face;

“Saranghae…Lee Joone…”

His own words sound so beautiful in his ears. Oh how wonderful it is to love her? Only now he sees it, feels it, although he can’t make her love him back, although he can’t own her, he can’t think of anything more wonderful than feeling his undesirable love for her.

After watching her for the next few minutes, he decides it’s high time for him to leave. It’s after one last glance at her that he leaves the room, leaves the house and makes it down the slope once more, feeling warm and pleasant within him, and enjoying the feeling more than anything else. He wishes he can go on feeling it for the rest of his life, he wishes he can treasure it forever.

The ride back home through the surprisingly calm roads of the Seoul city, his mind is not on the road but on her. It makes his ride shorter and it surprises him when he finds himself before the gate of his house sooner than he expects. He honks a few times to get the attention of the guard who is on the shift at this hours of the day, and soon he finds himself in the garage of his house, climbing down the jeep, having himself up on the cloud nine. He can’t remember the last time that he has been this happy…was it the first time he saw her? Their first kiss? No…he can’t remember…but now, although he still haven’t gotten hold of her, he feels as though he has won over the world because for the first time in his life, he’s loving someone so deeply for real.

Unlike the day before, the situation in the house, the pre wedding rush which has started early today,  it doesn’t bother him at all. It’s as though nothing else is happening around him, as though all which are real around him is Lee Joone.

It seems as though nobody in the house has realized that he has been missing since last night. Maybe it’s because of the rush inside the house but even though he’s climbing up the stairs as if he’s climbing stairway to heaven, smiling up to himself, nobody seems to notice him. And the best part is, even Won Bin doesn’t understand how the things are either. It’s as though he’s in a completely different world, a world where everything’s right, and he loves it, attached to it in a way that he can never break off.

He walks into his room walking as slowly as ever and looks at the time, it’s past six already, nearly breakfast time, so he decides to put his rest aside and takes a good wash.

By the time he climbs downstairs, it’s almost seven, and although he’s practically crazy, it still occurs to him that he’s supposed to be at the table sharp at seven, so he drops his bag to one of the chairs in the hallway and proceeds into the kitchen to find his sister already in her seat, his parents are still not there which leaves them a few minutes for small talk.

“You’re home?” Yoo Bin asks, giving him her usual look of concern. He nods and takes his usual seat.

“Were you at the Treasure Island? I was so worried! Don’t ever do that to your sister Won Bin!  You have any idea how crazy I was going being here? You want pick your phone or-!”

“Relax…noona, Gwenchana…” Won Bin says, and it surprises him to hear his voice so calm. And surely it has surprised her too. After spending eighteen years with him, she nows almost everything about him, and even now, he’s sure she’s already noticed it on him, that he looks nothing like he looked like the night before.

She stares into his face for a few seconds and asks. “Binnie…did…anything happen…? Last night…? You seem very…happy…”

He sighs and gives her a slight smile. “Chukkahamnida, noona…and it’s alright, I’ll be doing fine although it will be hard for me for a while…”

Noona stares at him with her jaw fallen slack. But he knows what her reaction means. She never did expect that from him but some sort of a silent treatment, and now, it actually feels good. Oh how much love can change a person!

“Won Bin…you went to her didn’t you?” She asks, finally. But it doesn’t surprise him because apparently, it seems just so obvious on his face.

“Won Bin! Are you two…dating now?” She asks him, and for that, he shakes his head. How can he? When she’s dating somebody else?

He shakes his head. “No such luck…I guess…but…noona…” He says and looks straight into her eyes. “I love her”

Noona watches him for a moment and mutters. “You sure do…Binnie….I see it too well…”

He takes a long breath in. he knows that they all see it well, and he’s happy that they do, because finally, he’s doing what Lee Joone has always asked him to do which seems to work so well. ‘Think of the happiest moment of your life and smile’ and he’s actually doing it, realizing that it actually feels so good. Lee Joone…there’s a reason why she’s everything in his life, and this is just an ounce of it…the reasons are too immense to put into words.

But as always, there are barriers to his love. It’s his sister who reminds him of them.

“But Won Bin…be careful…you can’t let anything leak…love her, fine, I don’t ask you to stop…but please do work hard to win the competition…or you will lose them both…”

He nods and looks down at the bowl that one of the maids keeps before him. But the truth is, at this very moment, nothing concerns him more than winning his love. He’s now come to the of his love to her, it will come out anytime, and he’s worried he will surprise her so badly when he does. It nearly did few times, and he saw how her reactions are. He can’t let anything out until she knows…but only, he can’t decide whether he shall let her know or not, because he’s already too late.

“Isn’t the semies coming? Have you practiced enough?” He hears his noona asking him.

But the truth is, he can’t remember the last time they had any practice sessions. The day before was a free day for the band members, not for him though…he was going out with Lee Joone…

“We will start…today…” He answers and looks up at his sister. “Anyway, how’s the wedding going?”

“Fabulous…and yeah…Sukkie and I have been busy for the past few days…” Then she looks into his eyes. “And I’m really sorry…binnie…Even Gi Suk is upset…He didn’t know that I kept it from you…”

He shakes his head. “I’m really sorry too…noona…I was…a bit upset that time when I came home…so…Now nareul gwenchana…I’m really happy for you…”

Noona gives him the biggest smile. “I’m happy as long as my little brother is happy…plus you won’t be lonely…You will have Lee Joone”

He smiles, remembering spending his time with her the night before. Of course he will never be lonely as long as he has someone to turn to, and he knows she will always accept him no matter what.

After their parents arrive at the table, the conversation is closed. The four of them continue to eat without a word as usual, and even if they ever do talk, it’s about the wedding. When the breakfast is done, he soon hurries out of the house after a brief good bye to his family. He walks down the lonh stone path towards the gate, and it’s when he’s close enough that he sees it, and he smiles to himself. Oh how cute she can be? And seeing her early in themorning will always make his day.

Through the narrow opening between the gate and the ground is the newspaper pushing its way through, he has seen the process of it from the outside, but now that he’s seeing it from the inside, it really is funny and yes, quit a good idea, but watching it, he can’t remain there anymore. He unlocks the gate and pulls it back, only to find Lee Joone staring up at him with her eyes filled with surprise, the paper in her hand, lowered to the ground. He smiles slightly at the sight of her, and it occurs to him, whatever she does is adorable.

He bends down and snatches the paper from her hand, keeping her staring at him with surprise.

“This” He says, showing it to her in his hand. “Can ge through with not much effort…”

He throws it into his lawn and turns to her. With no hesitation, he bends down, takes her hand and pulls her up on her feet. “And you, just throw it in”

She straightens up and makes a face. “Yeah right, the last time I did it, I almost got killed”

He gives her a mocking smile. “Well that was because you were stupid enough to climb on that”

She raises her eyebrows adorably. “Well, then here is another stupid asking me to throw the paper in! Tsh! Want it to hit your head again?”

“Ani….just aim right” He says and begins to make his way out of the gate. He stops when she calls his name.

“Oh?” He asks, and watches her approaching him.

“You left early?”

He nods. “Oh…wae?”

He sees her going through her bag and pulls something out. “You left this…”

He fears it’s the chain, he fears she has not accepted it since she has already accepted Hong Gi’s love, but for his relief, it’s only his phone which he has left in her house. He gives her a slight smile and takes it from her hand. “I must have forgotten it…”

“And thank you…for the pendant….I got it…it’s really cute!”

He nods, not showing off his excitement and slyly looks at her neck to see if she’s wearing it, but sees absolutely nothing. Maybe she won’t wear it…she can’t let Hong Gi know that she received such a thing from him, but he’s not upset. At least she accepted it, and that’s what really matters to him.

“Was it for my birthday? Seriously! The four of you are doing so much for me! And I’m giving nothing…” She says and purses her lips. But how can he explain it to her that all the simple little things she’s giving them cannot even be returned with what they’re doing for her? Any simple soothing word that she will tell them, with that she can change a world, her ever beautiful smile can always make their day, whatever she says is right, whatever she does is right, and she’s a lot more than just a supervisor for them. She’s a sister, a close friend, a mother, a girlfriend who will listen to them and find the perfect solution, a love…what else could she give? It’s more than enough for them…

But instead he only nods and replies. “Anyway…” He begins, changing the topic. “We have to start practicing for the semies today…we can’t be too late”

She nods and looks at him apologetically. “Ara~ Won Bin, but…can you practice without me for a few hours today? I will have to leave early, and might not come tomorrow as well…will you be alright?”

“Going to see oppa?” Won Bin guesses and she nods. “Nae…he’s getting discharged tomorrow…”

He feels his own joy rising within him. It’s victory, victory of helping his love in need, and the happiness he receives from it, is immense.

“Sure…” He answers, giving none of it away. “We’ll do fine…”

She nods. “Glad to hear it! I know you will be doing great with or without me….”

He watches her proceeding to her bicycle, disappointment flows through him, occurring it to him that he will see her again six hours later; he can’t figure it out if he’d do fine without having her presence within his sight.

“I will be going then…got to work…chalga!” She says and climbs up on her bicycle. He smiles and gives her a slight wave. “Sure, you too…”

And the next thing he knows is that he’s watching her go, and also his heart is getting back to its normal pace as he watches her disappearing down the road.

School has never been in his interest although he’s one of the students who always scored top ten in the class for some miracle. He never pays attention to whatever the teachers blabber up there in front of the class, he’d rather draw something or stare out of the window, and the best part is, half of the staff at school knows who he is and keeps it secret for the sake of his father that they allow him to do whatever he wants as long as he stays in the top ten. He’s normally a silent student in class, bothers nobody, speaks to nobody, it’s as though he doesn’t even exist. The only class mate he has is Jong Hun who he only meets during homeroom or biology, the rest he spends all by himself without being concerened about anything much.

He’s glad when the school ends with so many of boring work loads over his head which he partially ignores. He makes his way to the Treasure Island after a long time, and clmbs down the dark staircase to find the hall already occupied by the band members, which is actually a very surprising sight for him. They all greet him well, surprising him, and accepts him in the hall.

“Hyung! Where’s Joonie noona?”

Won Bin stops what he’s doing and turns to Minhwan. “Don’t know….”

“Wae? I thought she was coming with you?” Jae Jin adds. Won Bin makes a face, sensing something odd and turns to Jae Jin. “Why would she?”

Jae Jin looks at Jong Hun, and then shakes his head. “Ani…nothing…”

Won Bin decides to ignore it and takes his usual seat on the stool. It’s Jong Hun who speaks next.

“We have to sing two songs, have you picked any?”

Won Bin nods. “Meeting and I think I saw love”

Jong Hun nods. “Sounds like a good choice…”

“Shall we play and see?” Won Bin asks.

“Sure” Jong Hun agrees with a nod. “We’ll start with Meeting”

And so the band begins to play.

 

Although Won Bin’s putting all his effort on singing and playing, his mind is actually busy waiting for Lee Joone to turn up. He has lived through it at school, he has managed it all the way to the Treasure Island, he somehow lived through it for the few seconds he stayed there without seeing her not even once, but now that he has started singing, he can’t bear his urge to see her. His words aren’t coming out right, his mind goes completely blank, and surely he must be looking even weirder than he usually does that he sees Jae Jin and Jong Hun giving him sideway glances. It’s like an instinct, he has gotten so used to having Lee Joone within his sight, making faces at him as he sings, that now he can’t do it without her presence. Lee Joone is his boost; his drug to bring out a perfect performance, his singing has gone bad with not having her around that both Jae Jin and Jong Hun stops playing with frustration. It’s Minhwan who goes on playing as always, and he too stops, Won Bin looks at each of their faces, his own face clouded with confusion.

“Something’s seriously wrong with you Hyung…” Jae Jin says, looking at him with concern. “Is there anything going on?”

He says nothing and looks away, feeling busted. He’s practically giving it away!

“Won Bin, if there’s anything bothering you, clear it out….we can’t be like this having only two days to the semies!”

“Ara…” Won Bin says and sits down on the stool. “We’ll try again…give me a minute…”

Jae sits on the stool next to him and sighs. He hates it when the atmosphere around the band is so blank and awkward. It’s hardly ever this way, but now, he’s upset that it’s him who caused it. The silence goes on for a moment, none of them speaks, nor looks at each other, it’s finally Minhwan who breaks the silence. And he is apparently speaking on the phone.

“Ha Ra noona! Ah craeyo? Then come along! Sure! We’re practicing!”

Won Bin feels the urgency arousing in himself once more. He wants to see her once more, or he will  never be able to sing again and the practices will be hopeless today…he wants to see her, he really does…

And the urgency is so strong that nothing can stop him from saying what’s roaming inside his empty mind.

“Is Lee Joone with her?” He asks, directly looking at Minhwan without even thinking what will happen next. Minhwan, as though he just received an electrical shock, widenes his eyes and stares at him saying absolutely nothing, and slowly shakes his head. Won Bin sighs hard and looks away. Why does he keep on doing this? He knows she will turn up any time, why does he have to be so paranoid?

Oblivious to him, his impatience shows. His eyes darts around, he keeps on tapping his foot without paying any attention to what’s happening around the place. It’s a moment later that Jae Jin asks;

“It’s her…right?”

Won Bin turns to him, his heart stopping in the middle. “Mwo?”

“Lee Joone noona…you’re waiting for her…” Jae Jin carries on, making him run completely red. He feels as though he let out his biggest secret…maybe it IS his biggest secret, he has promised himself that he will hide it and cherish it for the rest of his life. But now as it happens, his urgency has ruined it all…he has finally let it out…the love that he has been concealing in the deepest corner of his heart…now he can’t lie anymore…he says nothing but hangs his head.

“Won Bin…Arayo…Gwenchana…”

Won Bin looks up to see Jong Hun’s encouraging smile. “It’s good to hear it…see it…you don’t have to hide it anymore…”

He says nothing and remains the same. It’s Minhwan who continues it.

“Gwenchana…Hyung…we all knew it but we kept it from you…miannada…”

Won Bin looks up and turns to him. “Since…when…?” He asks in a slow voice.

“Soyogi…the lyrics…says everything about her…and you always look at her when you sing it…that’a how I thought…” Jae Jin answers with a smile. “You should tell her soon…”

Won Bin shakes his head. “I can’t…she…”

“She what?” Jong Hun asks calmly but although Won Bin opens his mouth to speak, he doesn’t get his chance to. As always, Ha Ra suddenly rushes in out of nowhere, yelling into her phone.

“Nae~!! Aygaesamnida!!!” I’ll tell them…” She says cheerfully and turns directly towards MinHwan who greets her warmly. “Noona! I was waiting for you!”

“Ah Jinja? Aww!!! Geyonnae!!!” (How cute!!) Ha Ra exclaims and gives him a hug from the back. Soon she pulls away.

“By the way…it was Joonie on the phone…she says she wouldn’t make it today…but wants to hear you guys over the phone…”

All three of the guys turns to Won Bin who asks her; “Wae?”

Ha Ra shakes her head with a smile. “Don’t worry! She’s at the hospital with oppa, she said she’s very sorry…”

“Gwenchana…” says Won Bin, making every eye turn to him. True, he can’t make himself sing without seeing her before him, but how can he force her to be here when she couldn’t?

“Jinjayo, hyung?” Minhwan asks, his voice full of concern. Won Bin nods, giving in. “Nae…gwenchana…”

Ha Ra looks at one another with her widened eyes, her face clouded with confusion and asks. “Wae? Is there anything wrong? I’ll tell her…”

Jong Hun holds up a hand. “Ani, Ha Ra ssi…just get call her and tell her we’re ready…”

Ha Ra stares at him for a moment and slowly nods. The next thing he knows is he’s playing and singing again, this time feeling closer to her, aware that she’s hearing him from another corner. At least she’s there listening to them…

At the end of the first song, the five kids await the answer of their supervisor who sounds to be lost or speechless on the other end. Won Bin’s worried. He sounded so bad, not as brilliant as he does when he has her before him so obviously he must have sounded so crappy to her.

It’s a moment ater that she finally speaks.

“Pirates! I loved it! Seriously! No matter what you guys sing, they all sound so brilliant! The guitar riffs are fabulous…but, a little suggestion…I don’t know if it’s because I heard it over the phone…but, it’s a bit too loud, comparing to its meaning…can’t we like…use a keyboard instead of one of the guitars?”

Both Won Bin and Jong Hun looks at one another, then Jong Hun nods. “Shall I try Lee Joone?”

“Sure…We’ll just see if I’m right, or we will stick to the original”

Jong Hun walks to the keyboard stand which is kept aside since they don’t use it much, brings the keyboard from where they keep it and settle things out  while the others are watching him. He pulls a stool behind him and nods at Ha Ra.

“Joonie, listen close okay?”

“Sure, I’m listening!” She says cheerfully, and Jong Hun starts to play.

After hearing the same tune being played so loud for quit so long, hearing it so low makes the beauty of it come out, and also, unexpectedly, it touches Won Bin’s heart. He waits, silently listening to it, it’s Lee Joone’s voice which rips his attention away from Jong Hun.

“Play the bass and the guitar too…and the drums…” She says, sounding so business-like. They all follow her orders and play along. The music that the four instruments make sounds so perfect, suits the song so well, it’s a wonder that they have been playing it only with guitars, never realizing it for so long, and Lee Joone comes up with it just by hearing it only once! She’s got such sharp ears…

And then again…whatever she says is right…

“Won Bin…let me hear you sing…” She orders. He nods as though she sees him and closes his eyes.

The song sings about a similar situation to his…about meeting a girl who has once loved him before he left and has returned, and he’s wanting for her to love him again. Well, in his case it’s more different, he’s waiting for a love he will never get, so as he sings, his eyes closed tight, as always, he sees her. It’s an obsession, he’s addicted to her, and not feeling her around, he’s apparently failing to bring it out right, and it scares him. What if he does the same at the competition stage if he doesn’t find her among the 500 people of the audience?

When he’s done singing, he opens his eyes and looks at the others then at Ha Ra and her phone. It’s a moment later that Lee Joone speaks.

“Won Bin….You…I just realized…your voice sounds fabulous with ballads now…I’m so happy to hear it…”

Won Bin feels his heart slowing down with relief. It’s her who did it, it’s her who completely changed him….but when will she ever understand it?

“It was beautiful! I was right ain’t I pirates?”

The four guys nod; it’s Jae Jin who answers. “Yeah, as always…Noona is a fabulous supervisor!”

There’s silence, and Lee Joone answers. “Anything for you guys…can I hear the next song?"

And so they begin to play the next one. It’s a childish pop-rock song written by Jae Jin and Minhwan when Jae Jin got himself in a relationship. They hardly ever sing it but when he went through all their tracks, searching for the best one, it just simply caught his attention….because now, he sincerely believes it, and he has seen love…

He enjoys singing it although he sounds so bad. He puts everything hd has into his singing, putting as much as feelings into it, but in his mind, he’s completely empty and blank, his words has no meaning to it at all. Even he doesn’t want to carry on with it, now that he’s singing those words, for someone like him who can’t reach for a love which is just so close to him, those words sounds so meaningless. And when the song finally ends, he’s strangely relieved, and unaware to him, his eyes swiftly turns towards the sofa where she usually sits when they’re showing her their performance. But now, not seeing her there with her usual made up face, his heart falls thousand miles. It’s only when she’s not with him that it occurs to him that she’s still so far for him.

It’s her voice on the phone which brings him back to earth, and surprising him, her voice sounds different than it did just a few minutes ago. And she’s speaking to him.

“Won Bin? Is…everything alright? You sound…down…”

He looks around to find all the others watching him with weird looks in their eyes. He quickly turns away. What on earth is wrong with him? She was there, listening to him, she still is there…why can’t he pretend she’s right by her side and sing with all his heart? But now, he  has disappointed all of them, he has shown where he’s weak at, he’s weak before love. He has never felt it before. He has seen his girlfriend being with others, he has been neglected by her many times, but now, only not seeing Lee Joone, only knowing that he can’t love her no matter how crazily he does, he has become so weak. And only now he sees it, how painful it is to see a one sided love.

“The music was fabulous, the lyrics are beautiful, the tune is really cute, I loved it…but the vocals…Won Bin, I don’t mean to hurt you, but you seem to make no sense at all…I know you can do a lot better…”

She’s saying on the phone so that every one of them can hear. If this was before, he’d be completely mad at her. But now, he knows she’s right. But only she doesn’t know the reason why he’s being this way is actually her.

“Put him through for me Ha Ra….I want to have a word with him…alone” He hears her saying.

And the next thing he knows is that he’s locked himself up in the bathroom, Ha Ra’s phone pressed against his ear, listening to Lee Joone, wondering only about how wonderful she sounds so close in his ear. Her voice reverberates in his ear and he loves the feel of it-

-no…he has to listen. He has to listen to what she has to say.

“Won Bin…is it what happened last night? Tell me…”

He shakes his head, as though she could see him but remains silent. How could he tell her it’s her who’s causing all these chaos here?

“Won Bin, honey, you can’t be like this, you have to speak! Or you wont know anything until it’s over, you hear me? Is it her? The girl you like?”

He remains silent, wondering if he shall answer or not. He wants to tell her that it’s her and that he needs her here or it will never be the same. But he can’t. she will be hurt. Although she shows to be so hard on the outside, he knows how fragile she is inside, so he won’t do it. Instead, he decides to stick to his usual lie.

“I like her a lot, Lee Joone…” He mutters, wishing he can replace ‘her’ with ‘you’.

She’s silent for a moment, and slowly mutters. “Won Bin, you’re desperate, you can’t hold it in anymore, tell her. You HAVE to”

He sighs hard. Easy for her to say, but how can he? He witnessed her kissing him just yesterday, he saw how she refused him last night, which only means she’d accept Hong Gi over him, how can he ever confess to her although she orders him to?

“I can’t…Lee Joone, she likes somebody else…” He mutters, trying hard to accept the truth. But as always, she doesn’t seem to give in.

“You pabo! You promised me you will! You know I will help you! Why can’t you just go and tell her and get over it! It’s not like it will kill her! But this…it’s practically ruining you! I’m telling you because I’m worried…okay? I’m a part of the band too, and I want us to win with no flaws…and this, it’s apparently ruining you! Wae? You have no courage?”

This raises his anger. It’s her who’s ruining him, just why can’t she understand him?

“I have courage, but she has no strength to take it Lee Joone” He says urgently, but nothing seems to change her mind.

“Girls are stronger than you think Won Bin! Look at you! You can’t even do your job right, you’re completely desperate over love, have you ever seen her being the same? I’m sure she has not, it’s you who has no strength-,”

“Right,” He hears his voice mutter through gritted teeth, which surprises him, but he doesn’t care. If she thinks he’s no use, if she thinks he has no courage, if he’s a scaredy cat, he will show her. He will confess and show it to her who’s strong and who’s not.

“I will show you…I will confess to her…and I will show you…”

There’s silence on the other end, and after a moment, she mutters. “That’s what I wanted to hear from my favourite pirate….that’s my boy! Tell her and make noona proud…”

He rolls his eyes. Why on earth is he even in love with this dumb girl? She so stupid that she doesn’t even have a clue who the hell he’s telling her about is Lee Joone herself, why is she just so clueless?

But then again…it’s just one of the many reasons why he loves her so much…

When he walks out of the room, he feels weird that he actually said that to her. How can he ever get away from this mess now? But it’s true, he’s completely so desperate. He feels as though he will burst and die any minute if he holds it in anymore. Although he wants to somehow stop it, he just goes on loving her more and more until now where he has reached the highest point of desperately wanting her. How can he ever live through it? And he can’t betray the band members, he can’t disappoint them. He knows how much they goes through to win this thing, how can he ever put them down? He can’t just think of himself and put the whole thing aside!

It surprises him when he finds all the eyes plastered on him. It’s obvious that he’s being watched. He’s the one who caused all the chaos just now!

“What did she say?” Ha Ra asks as he hands the phone to her. He says nothing and walks to his stool, then he takes the guitar into his hands.

“Let’s play again”

 

 

Hours passes by and along with their practicing which seems to take ages as they play over and over again until they sound perfect. But no matter how hard Won Bin tries, nothing seems to change. His mind is still blank, having her not around him, nothing seems to turn out right. He’s glad when the day ends. and when he reaches home, just as usual, he skips dinner and simply goes to bed after a shower, and faster than he expects, he drifts into a long sleep.

 

What wakes him up the next day is his sister shaking him outrageously by his arm as though it is the end of the world. He wants to sleep more. The tiring day he had the day before has completely exhausted him, practice sessions has never been so tiring before. But now only it occurs to him that what exhausted him the most is not singing or playing the guitar over and over again, it never tires him, he’d go on playing and singing for days if he has to, but what which made him so tired is his mind, which kept running around the place, coming into hell lot of conclusions about him finally letting it all out on her, at the end of the day, ending up with absolutely nothing at all.

He sits upright and looks up at his sister with narrowed eyes.

“Rise and shine superstar! You have got a day to live in!” Yoo Bin chimes and messes up his already messy hair. He stares into her face for a moment, and falls back into the bed. How complicated his love is! He’d rather hide himself in the bed and not wake up until everything is back being normal, but only, he can’t. He’s, just as his sister said, a man with a life to live in.

“Binnie…wake up honey! You will get late to school!” Yoo Bin says again and shakes him even more. He sits upright for the second time when he can’t take it anymore, and simply trods his way down to the bathroom, but is stopped by his sister when she calls him his name.

“Honey, what’s wrong? Did anything happen?” She asks, her voice full of concern. But at this very moment, he has no desire to answer. How can he tell her he’s again in a complicated state of his mind, so unsure of his love? He sees her staring at him with concerned eyes, but he decides to ignore her and simply walks into the bathroom.

After a slow breakfast which, for the first time ever, began half an hour later, he walks out of his house, walking as though it’s the last thing he has on his list of things to do. He sees the paper pushed in under the gate, which means she has left already, but he doesn’t care. Why? She has complicated his life too much already!

Afterschool, he walks to the Treasure Island, having no much of a desire to actually go there. Although they have the semies the next day, they have not practiced enough. His voice is still a wreck although they practiced million times the day before, and although their music sounds more than just perfect, his voice is not doing enough for what the others are giving him.

And when he reaches the hall in his usual slow walk, he finds it already occupied with all the band members, but one. He sighs hard. How can he live through another day without seeing her again? He can’t even remember the last time he saw her, and every minute he remembers her, the urge to see her rises even more. Now he’s sick of it. Sick of loving someone who he can’t love, sick of lying to himself, and sick of pretending. But for some unfortunate reason, he has no way that he can get rid of it either. He just wants to love her even more.

He doesn’t dare to look at anyone else in the hall but simply walks towards his stool and takes the guitar up on his lap.

“Let’s start with meeting” He says and waits for the music to start. And when it does, he joins in with his singing, all the instruments join along, but nothing’s changed from how he sounded yesterday. He doesn’t care. He knows once she’s back in his sight, he will do his best. Nothing can make him feel any better than seeing her before his eyes. This is just practice…once she’s here, he will be just fine…

But the music stops in the middle, only Won Bin goes on playing, oblivious to what is going on for a few seconds, and he too, stops and turns to Jong Hun. “Wae?”

Jong Hun sighs. “This is not good…you and I are going to have a small talk…shall we?”

Won Bin widenes his eyes. “About what?”

Jong Hun gestures him to follow. “Come on…I’ll tell you…”

“Hyung-,” Won Bin starts, but as always, Jong Hun gives him his, ‘Don’t say a word’ look. Won Bin sighs hard, unable to comprehend what exactly is going on, and simply follows his hyung up and out of the Treasure Island out on to the road.

“What is it?” He asks, nonchalantly, but he senses something serious by the way Jong Hun looks into his eyes, something that he doesn’t understand.

“Won Bin…there’s something you really need to know…”

Won Bin stares directly into his eyes but remains silent, having no desire to speak.

“Love…is a packaged deal…when it comes to love…there are three things which comes along…trust, courage and loyalty…”

Won Bin says nothing but continues to stare into his face, still not understanding what he means.

“Trust…you must trust her with whatever she does, and believe in whatever she does, because she trust you back, believes it that you will always do…

“And then courage…you must have the courage to hold her hand face whatever the matters she’s to face, she needs your courage to stay strong, and she expects it from you…

Won Bin’s still silent, but gradually, he begins to comprehend what he’s getting at…the same topic that they were conversing on before they were so badly interrupted.

“Then finally, loyalty…once you have made the promise to be by her side, no matter what, commit yourself to make it happen…if she’s committing herself on your behalf, please do serve her back just the same…she needs it…”

Won Bin swallows hard and looks at him once more. “Hyung…why are you telling me all this-?”

Jong Hun smiles. “Won Bin…I’m a person who couldn’t fulfil all this for the one I loved, for the one who needed them the most…you’re like a brother to me, and that’s why I’m telling you…never ignore any of it…trust her…be courageous for her…and be loyal to her all the time…”

Won Bin keeps silent for a long time and slowly nods, and says in a low voice… “I wish I can give them all…I can commit all my life for her…”

Suddenly, jong Hun reaches over and lays a hand on his shoulder, making him be surprised, and with a smile that he has never seen on him before, he mutters.

“There’s someone who expects all of them from you Won Bin…”

Won Bin lifts his head, his eyes opened wide, his heart starts to beat faster, anticipating just one single answer…but then again…this is impossible…he saw her…he saw her kissing him, he witnessed the love she has for him, Hong gi…this can’t be happening to him…he can’t be hearing the truth…

He feels his heart practically doing somersaults within him, he’s been waiting for it to happen for so long…he cried for it underneath, went through hell for her, made silent promises to her to protect her with all his life…is this what he’s about to hear…?

And just as he expects it, just the way that he wanted it to be, Jong Hun says with his smile still plastered across his face.

“…Lee Joone…she needs you…and it’s high time to let her know…she loves you…”

For the first time in his life, his heart really stops, but for the happiness…and starts beating again…each thump, each that it made saying one single fact in his ears, over and over again…

“She loves you…”

And nothing sounds better.