The reception is where it all starts to go downhill. Too many people come up to you asking if you knew Lay; which you just shake your head to and brush the people off as politely as possible. You also get a lot of whispers and pointing fingers which you try to ignore. In addition, everyone is having too good of a time. You feel like Ebenezer Scrooge, just getting sadder and lonelier off of people’s joy. You saw that Lay called during the ceremony and you finally decide to call him back after the reception is over.

                 Hana and Hyunwoo have their first dance; it first starts out very spirited, with them waltzing around and Hyunwoo spinning a giggling Hana in circles. But soon enough they move closer to each other and begin to sway side to side, their foreheads touching and hands laced together. People cheer, while Hana and Hyunwoo close their eyes and smile. There’s a guarantee that there is one pair of people in the world that are completely and utterly in love and were going to be for a long while. You feel like you’re intruding a romantic moment between the two, so you look away into your bag, pretending to be busy. Amidst the cheers you pull out your phone after hearing a multiple beeps.

New Text from Dorito Lay Chips Yixing (4)

8:10 pm

                You warily open it:

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 8:10 pm

(1/4) Youre not picking up and i know youre not enjoying the wedding. Is it really that hard to text me back? i wanted to leave a voicemail but lots of things get lost on the way from my brain to my mouth. i can express myself better in lyrics on paper. So for a visual, imagine me calm. Not yelling not fuming: calm and serene. Yelling doesn’t solve anything, thats how children fight. We’re adults now- i hope? I’ll be what you want me to be: honest and straightforward. Youre overreacting and i understand. I truly understand-i wasnt the

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 8:10 pm

(2/4) one that was hurt by these people that call themselves my fans and others. You have all the right to overreact. But to blame me? Why? I still don’t understand why you think I’m at fault for this. We met at the airport and for coffee because of pure circumstance. I felt bad for making you come so I “treated” you to a cup of hot chocolate. You wanted to see Seoul, so i “treated” you to a walk around the city. We got caught by the fans, so i “treated” you  to my predebut home. You came to the

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 8:10 pm

(3/4) dorms because of circumstance. I didn’t do anything wrong, at least not purposely.  I treated you, yet i’m now the one to blame for what? The overwhelming stress you’ve received? I’m sorry, i truly am. My job carries such a large burden and I’m sorry for sharing it with you. But i wasn’t at fault for giving it to you; because of circumstance, the burden was shared.  Look, we both screwed up. With how serious this has gotten i feel like we’re talking about a one night stand gone wrong or something. the consequences of that one tiny night where we

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 8:10 pm

(4/4) did literally nothing is more damaging. i find that so ridiculous, but because of who i am and who you are,

 it was bound to happen. Pure circumstance, that’s is the one thing we can unarguably blame for this. Im leaving for practice at 10. Please call me? Or at least text me back.

                 It takes you a while to trudge through the texts, but by the end you’re out of breath, like the air in the room had just been out of the room. You grip your phone and shut your eyes, breathing slow, deep breaths. Hana and Hyunwoo’s dance had already ended and now were sharing the dance floor with a large handful of guests. You nimbly put your phone on the table and rest your forehead against your laced hands, gently pressing your palms against your eyelids. He was right; you acted on impulse this morning. The entire ordeal was just circumstance hitting you two on the head and one of them acting on it. Most certainly, you weren’t supposed to grow close, you knew the consequences; the entire “break up” was no one’s fault, but your own. You clench your eyes and wonder how to fix the mess that you created.

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                 Maybe you had a few too many drinks or you just are just mad and tired but by the final dance, you are miserable. The song switches to some poppy Kpop song and the crowd parts to showcase Hana and Hyunwoo’s carefully practiced choreography. You laugh in spite of yourself while watching them; Hana has the moves down but can’t stop giggling and Hyunwoo is giving it his full effort and full concentration, but still can’t make it look effortless like Hana. The crowd on the dance floor and some onlookers clap to the beat and sing a long as they watch the Hyunwoo twirl and dip Hana. She laughs a deep heart laugh and when she gets pulled back up she steals a kiss from Hyunwoo. The crowd awes and cheers on the couple. Soon the entire crowd splits into pairs and begins to dance to the song that apparently everyone knew the choreography for. You see husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, complete strangers having fun and enjoying each other’s company, laughing and smiling and having a ball.

                 You suddenly remember that day where you and Hana slept in the backyard of Hana’s house. You remember Hana’s exact words: “We’ll be college sweethearts and we’ll marry in a garden in Korea. In a small wedding with you, me, my sweetheart, and a handful of my closest friends and their hubbies or boyfriends. But not you, you’ll be all alone, because no one will ever be able to love you.” You sit up with a jolt and look around, oh the irony. You are completely alone; no one sits at your table. Everyone is either dancing or conversing with someone else. You watch as the many couples dance, drunk with happiness and you realize that you are alone, completely and utterly, all alone.

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 9:15 pm

The wedding reception should be over?? I swear if you don’t call me back or text me i will come over to your hotel tomorrow and knock at your door until you come out and talk.

                 Not completely alone, you realize with a small smile, but soon- in less than 24 hours. You need to do something that would get Yixing to like you again; appreciate is the better word, you were just about finished with the idea of love. You needed something that would make him happy- something special. You were leaving the next morning and meeting would not be possible; another midnight meeting at the room would just be inappropriate. You lift your head up and look at the guests and the wedding couple dancing on the dance floor. The reception hall is now much dimmer and rotating lights are scattered across the room. You look up at the disco ball now hanging from the ceiling. It’s clichéd, but it fits the exciting mood. Then your ideas click into place. You hurriedly pick up your phone.

Me 9:17 pm

I’ll call the police on you if you do that. But, what are you doing?

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 9:17pm

YOU REPLIED?!?? Can we meet up tomorrow?

Me 9:18pm

What are you doing.

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 9:19 pm

Why? I’m lying in my top bunk with my guitar. Jongdae is practicing his Chinese and Luhan is helping him

Me 9:19 pm

What do you see?

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 9:20 pm

????

Me 9:20pm

Just curious

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 9:21 pm

I see a white bumpy boring ceiling. When can we meet up tomorrow? Or when can I call you at least?

                You smile at his persistence as you slowly type out the words. You hesitate as you hover your fingers over the send button, afraid to press. You hear a few guests burst out laughing and you look over to see large smiles on their faces. You press send.

Me 9:23pm

Are you happy?

                He wasn’t replying...

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 9:30pm

No

                Pause.

Dorito Lay Chips Yixing 9:33pm

And that’s because youre not answering my questions

                You feel all the cogs and gears of your ideas click into place as you form your plan. It’s a childish plan, even after Yixing told you to be an adult, yet, you felt that it was right. It was perfect. You send out a text to Mr. Lee and reply back to Yixing.  

Me 9:31pm

I will soon. Have a good practice :)

                Mr. Lee soon texts you back, telling you that he’ll be at the reception hall in 15 minutes: so be ready. You get up from your table and grab your bag. The crowd of dancers was progressively getting bigger and bigger as the songs grew faster and catchier. You plan on walking into the crowd to tell Hana that you were leaving, but decide against it. The crowd is too rowdy and the news would upset Hana. Your last image of Hana before you walk out of the hall is of her laughing brightly with Hyunwoo exaggeratedly crooning to the song next to her. She picked right, that’s for certain; her happily-ever-after was sealed.

                You take your time going to the room where all the guests put their bags and change of clothes. You don’t bother to change but you wish that you had brought a pair of sneakers or sandals to change into; the heels were beginning to hurt. You see a notepad lying on the table off to the side and grab a pen from Hana’s bag. You sit on the table and begin to write.

                                  Dear (now :D) Jang Hana,

You looked gorgeous today; I swear you were a princess. You and Hyunwoo make a beautiful couple. You two are too cute (i had to look away because it’s TOO MUCH. Just kidding, stay adorable). Anyways, I’m sorry that I’m leaving without wishing you in person, but i did properly say goodbye before so...

I have a few things to settle. Yixing and I... well just Yixing talked and I realized how stupid and childish I was about this entire thing. So I’m going to settle this before I leave, I don’t want to leave anything hanging either. I’m leaving at 9:30 tomorrow in the morning so I need to hurry out of here, get this settled, and then SLEEP, because I haven’t been getting any sleep these past few days.

I really wish you and Hyunwoo the best. You two really seem perfect for each other. I wish you the best of luck, but you honestly don’t need it ahahah :) Have a great honeymoon and an even greater life ahead with your new family (wink wink) (i’m not pressuring you) (just) (yea). COME VISIT ME IN LA OKAY. CALL ME. KEEP IN TOUCH.

I missed you way too much, Hana. Thank you so much for the past few days and for our unforgettable years together in high school. I hope you the best!!!

Love (the actual love of your life),

Kitty <3

                                  P.S I took your notepad and pen sorry :P

                You read it a few times before Mr. Lee sends you a text telling you that he’s almost there and to be ready to leave as fast as possible. You quickly scribble your number onto the letter in case she loses it and place it inside Hana’s wallet.  You send her a text to “check her wallet the morning after” just to make sure she sees it. You leave the room with your stuff and walk out to the front.

                Mr. Lee arrives shortly after and he whisks you off. You ask him why he was rushing but Mr. Lee replies that it takes a while to get to Seoul.

                “But it only takes you 15 minutes?” You ask smiling. Mr. Lee turns from the front seat of the taxi and puts two fingers up to his forehead to salute. You feel a tsunami of appreciation wash over you. “You should have joined me in the reception if you were going to look after me.” You laugh.

                 “I went to a friend’s house. It’s alright.”

                 “I was going to be fine; but thanks for everything.” You bow your head slightly and smile.

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                It takes you 4 stops at 3 different convenience stores and one gas station to find what you were looking for. Clutching the plastic bag to your chest and linking arms with Mr. Lee, you push past the small crowd of fans, who were dwindling off since the boys had left a while ago, into the dorm entrance. They seem to recognize you as that girl, but they take your linked arms with Mr. Lee into consideration and don’t bother you.

                You climb up the stairs and enter their dorm, and with a reassuring nod, Mr. Lee stands guard at the door. You walk through the empty living room and through the now lit hallway to Yixing and Chen’s room.  Pushing open the door you turn on the desk light on Yixing’s desk, keeping the room’s light off. Sitting down, you take out your notepad and pen and begin to write in your neatest most careful Hangul.

                You try to sound out Yixing the best you could, but give up and in big bold letters you write Dear Yixing in English.

Dear Yixing,

This letter might not be correct because I haven’t actually written a large amount of Hangul in a long time, but I tried.

I was stupid. That’s the main point of this letter: I was stupid and you were right. And I hate that I blamed my stress and anger on you, when it was really no one’s fault. As you told me, it was circumstance; circumstance brought two strangers together and circumstance made them grow fond. There’s a saying, “You can’t fall in love with strangers.” And to certain extent that is true, I guess. I didn’t fall in love with you; I fell in love with parts of you. I fell in love with how your eyes seem to sparkle 99.9% of the time. I fell in love with how you alternate between speaking in short meaningful statements to rambling on and on about seemingly meaningless topics. I fell in love with how your short term memory loss seems to screw my life over a bit more every time. I love how your dimples dance when you laugh and how the slightest smile brings that one dimple to your cheek. But I certainly did not fall in love with all of you. Even though I feel like I’ve known you forever, I’ve only known you for this short span of 3 days. I don’t know enough about you. I know Yixing, I know Chips, to some extent I know Lay, but not really. Yesterday surprised me; I saw a different side of you that scared me. It really showed me that I don’t know you as well as i want to. I want to know more, but now is not the time.

You told me that I was your freedom, your breathing space. Being with me was like when you are under the stars. You have stars at your home in China; you have stars in the room you shared with me and the grandma; but you don’t have any stars here on your dorm ceiling. I want you to feel free more often, feel happier. When you’re happy, you smile; and when you smile, your dimple shows- and that’s good. I’m leaving soon, so to fix this, i bought you a pack of glow-in-the-dark stickers. There are 3 sheets in here. I’m putting one of the sheets up right after I finish writing this letter. The other two will be carried around and put up wherever you need them, okay? They’ll be your portable night sky :) Promise me you’ll always have them and when you run out you’ll buy more.

I’m leaving tomorrow in the morning, my original plane had difficulties so they transferred willing passengers to an earlier flight and I took it. I’m sorry.

I’m so grateful that I met you; you made this trip really... unforgettable. I’ll come back to Korea to visit Hana, but not any time soon. Make sure that you take some time out of your busy life to keep in contact, okay? I’ll text you from time to time, but I don’t want to bother you when you’re working. I’m never busy ahahah, so feel free to bother me whenever. I know you’re extremely forgetful but try to remember to talk to me.

But before all of that, make sure you don’t forget me :)

                 You sign the letter and peel a little star from the sheet and smooth it down next to your name.  You reread your letter crossing out your mistakes and rewriting some parts. You awkwardly tell Mr. Lee to proofread because you still weren’t sure about your accuracy. He reads it and you see him fighting back a smile. He corrects a few things and hands it back to you with a reassuring nod. Before you turn around, he pats you on the shoulder and gives you a thumbs up. You take the letter and fold it up, pinning it to Yixing’s corkboard. With that you take off your heels and take the package of sheets out from the plastic bag. You climb up Yixing’s bed: a sea of crumpled papers, pillows, and one lonely guitar.

                 Before you start, you lay your head down on his pillows, and see from his perspective. The ceiling is close and you can begin to feel caged in by the close proximity. You slowly rock yourself back up and in the dim light of the desk light you peel one large star from the sheet and place it onto the ceiling above Yixing’s bed. You can’t see the glow of the stars with the light, but you imagine how it would look when it glowed. Placing the stars one by one you realize with a start how much accuracy that one conversation between you and Hana years ago contained: “Well we can only hope that one day I’ll be secretly showering my love to the one guy who I love with all my heart; and he will catch me and sweep me off my feet.” You laugh, not joyous or angry, but with a bittersweet tinge. Without anyone’s knowledge, with the exception of you and Mr. Lee, you continue to fill Yixing’s ceiling with stars.