Chapter 17

I didn’t move from the spot on the couch all night. Even when I vaguely heard Changsun’s feet on the staircase, I didn’t dare look over my shoulder to study his expression. I felt numb and insignificant. The whole night had been full of internal turmoil, and the thought of fleeing had crossed my mind a couple of times. But I felt too exhausted to move, wondering how my body could feel as heavy as it currently did.

I listened to the sounds of Changsun in the kitchen, noticing he closed the refrigerator with more force than needed. I guessed he was still angry with me, especially with the clink of his glass in the sink after he had obviously gulped down his protein drink. Again he was loud in the bathroom, and his constant sighing would have been irritating if I had actually allowed it to affect me. But I was too deep in my despair to react to anything he did. Eventually he walked over to me, and I attempted to tilt my head to look up at him. My neck felt locked however, so I continued to simply stare at his waist.

“I’m going to work,” he announced. I couldn’t respond. He sighed again. “Did you hear me Yoomi?”

“Y-yes.” My voice was barely louder than a whisper and the effort to say the one word made me blink rapidly. Emotions I had been holding at bay threatened to fall again. I wondered how it was possible to cry anymore. I had been crying for most of the night that I couldn’t even recall when I had stopped.

“I will be late again.” He played with his watch on his wrist and then let his arms fall to his sides. Changsun cleared his throat loudly. “Go and rest in bed.”

“Mm.”

He stood there for a moment longer before he reluctantly stepped off and I waited until the door shut behind him before I let the tears fall again. For awhile I succumbed to my emotions, until I felt ready to move. I then dragged myself upstairs and collapsed on the bed, moving over onto Changsun’s side and hugging his pillow close to me. It smelt just like him and another wave of crying began.

I was pathetic, crying my eyes out over breaking Jihyun’s arm. In my defence, breaking a limb wasn’t as bad as shattering a heart. Yet I knew it wasn’t my place to pass that judgement. It had been an accident, but it had made Changsun hate me completely. My efforts to keep Jihyun away from him had only isolated myself as the selfish and jealous one. In reality I had no right to be jealous anyway, I was just the girl who haunted Changsun’s existence. I began to wonder when I would get the chance to leave his side. Apart from taking on the job a capable, living maid could do for both Changsun and the rest of MBLAQ, I didn’t really have any purpose here. Well, I had until I broke Jihyun’s arm.

I wondered how long it would take for Changsun to forgive me and if I could wait for that. Furthermore, I couldn’t tell when I would forgive myself and I rolled over, closing my eyes and hoped to escape the nightmare completely.

“Thank you for bringing me back here with you, it’s so kind Channie.”

I sat up and blinked as my eyes focussed. It was dark in the apartment until someone flicked on the lights and I blinked again, adjusting to the change in brightness. I must have fallen asleep at some point, though I didn’t feel any better from the rest. In fact I felt worse. Groaning a little, I then listened to the sounds being made downstairs.

“Well it is raining and the doctor did mention not to get your cast wet.”

Jihyun giggled. “Always taking care of me. I wonder how I’ve coped all this time without you.”

“Don’t be foolish, it’s common sense,” Changsun instantly replied. He sounded tired. I looked over at the alarm clock and was surprised to see how late it was. “Just wait here, I need to check on something.”

I heard the footsteps coming towards me and I smiled, wondering if he was checking on me. I was hopeful, even if we weren’t getting along. Changsun arrived on the second floor and looked around the space, his eyes widening. “Y-Yoomi?”

He kept searching the area and I merely stared at him, before waving my hand hoping to get his attention. It didn’t. “Changsun I’m right here on the bed.”

“Yoomi?!” he repeated his whisper, though his voice was panicked.

“I’m right here!” I got up and moved towards him, my hand going right through his arm. I soon joined him in his fright and backed away, until my body connected with the wall behind me.

“What’s keeping you?” a voice asked and Changsun whipped around to see Jihyun on the balcony. “Omo, are you alright?!”

“Ah yeah, I just can’t seem to find something important to me.”

“Shall I help you look?” He shook his head quickly. “You’re so upset, are you sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’m sure it’ll come back when it’s ready to. Let’s call you a taxi home.” Changsun grabbed the woman’s arm and led her back to the stairs, his eyes darting over his shoulder again. They disappeared downstairs and I fell to the ground heavily.

Was this a sign that my time here was now up? Ever since the first time I met Changsun he had been able to see me. It was terrifying to be invisible to him now, and watching his reaction only made me ache more at the possibility that we would be parting on our current terms. There was so much I had to say and do with him before I left that I wished I had never entertained the idea earlier in the day. I wasn’t ready to leave, but like my death, it seemed apparent my time was up. And unlike an arcade game, I couldn’t insert any more coins for an extra life.

I instantly became depressed. My mind went over the time I had spent with Changsun and MBLAQ, focussing on the good parts and the bad. I began to cry, I didn’t want to give up what I had. Cheolyong would be devastated if we could never talk again, and Seungho’s notes wouldn’t be there to make me happy anymore. Not to mention I had only just gotten Byunghee’s acceptance and I wouldn’t be around to build on that. I still wanted to try and make friends with Sanghyun too. The events of yesterday had escalated and I was scared that I had made a fatal mistake that would end my position in their lives completely.

Changsun reappeared with his phone in his hand and I came out of my thoughts, hopeful he would see me on the floor. He didn’t. Instead he made a phone call, his eyes searching fruitlessly around the room. “Ah hyung, it’s me. You haven’t had any Yoomi interference at all today?”

I got up and moved closer so I could hear what was Seungho was saying. “No, she hasn’t been at the dorm by looks, why?”

“What about today at all. Have you noticed anything different?”

“Not today, though Byunghee just mentioned he experienced Yoomi at the dorm yesterday. What’s wrong, you sound upset.”

“She’s not here.”

“What?!” I bit my lip at the older man’s outburst, trying not to cry for the billionth time.

“I can’t see her. We had an argument last night and I said something I didn’t mean. She was here this morning before I left but now I’m back and she’s not.”

“Can you think of places she would go?”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE’S NOT THERE?!” Cheolyong called in the background of the conversation and I sighed at his reaction. I was realising quite fast that I wouldn’t be the only one affected by my permanent removal.

Changsun ran an agitated hand through his hair. “I’m not sure; she usually travels to the dorm or stays here. I just don’t know why she would leave, especially without a goodbye.”

“Have you tried asking if she’s there?” Cheolyong had clearly taken the phone from his hyung. “What about seeing if something could be thrown to the ground? That’s how you first saw her, right?”

“Good idea!” Changsun then repeated the suggestion and I was already over by his bedside table attempting to knock his alarm clock. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn’t grab the physical item in his world. I clamped my eyes shut, not wanting to accept my fate. Changsun seemed deflated too. “Nothing. She’s not here.”

As the boys discussed what to do, I slid back down to rest against the wall, hoping a miracle would occur.

The dramatic feelings carried over the night, and Changsun barely slept, tossing and turning repeatedly in his bed. I sat at the end of it watching him, feeling pain every time he’d open his eyes and discover I wasn’t in the room. I wished that I had never become a part of his life. I had barely thought over the possibility my departure would have on him, only my own feelings. I was selfish for causing so much pain already.

As the morning arrived, I knew I couldn’t take much more of it. Even though I never wanted to leave his side, watching him suffer was far worse than I expected. I moved closer to his finally resting body, and reached out to touch his face. My hand didn’t feel as connected as it usually did when I touched him and I shook my head softly.

“Why did you have to accept me into your life? If I had known this would happen I would have avoided you for eternity.” Deep down I knew though if I had the chance to start all over again, I would have taken the same road. I just hoped I wouldn’t have committed the crime that led me to this state however.

“Yoomi,” he murmured and I perked up, smiling in anticipation. He didn’t open his eyes, although his head nuzzled into my hand a little more. “Yoomi.”

“I’m right here.”

“Come back,” he continued, his eyes twitching behind his eyelids. I realised he was dreaming then.

I got up, heading towards the staircase and down to my bag. I decided that I would take a visit to the dorm before all my energy was gone and say my goodbyes to the others. Even though they couldn’t hear me, it felt like the right thing to do. Resigned, I headed to the front door, feeling a spark of uncertainty run through my veins as I reached for the handle.

I froze for a moment, trying to decipher the new feeling. As my hand connected with the handle, I glanced up to the second floor, hearing Changsun tossing in his bedding again.

“Yoomi!” he called loudly and I dropped my bag, running back to the bottom of the stairs and pounded up them. I felt dizzy as I reached the second floor and took a moment to catch my breath. And then Changsun woke up. I waited to see if he would see me, the boy sitting up and wiping the sleep away from his eyes.

He sighed heavily, after sweeping his eyes around the room. Holding his head in his hands, Changsun let out a groan. “She’s gone.”

I dropped my head then, turning my back in defeat.

“And I didn’t even get to tell her that I love her.”

___________

Author's Notes...

As promised here is another chapter to make up for Tuesday's missed one. As for this Tuesday coming, I'm not sure if I'll be posting - I will if I have time. I'm exhausted so I won't leave any comments and just let you read the chapter above - which is a bit of a cliffhanger, haha! How timely. 

Replies...

@FlyingHigh; No she shouldn't have, but it was also a mistake. I'm sure he's got bigger issues now heh.

@Kate; Yup uh ohh... and the letter was sweet! I'll miss you too twin <3

@E_magine; Hahaha you're right!! Thanks love!