Chapter 29 

Closure

“Coffee?” I asked Sandara the moment we entered my unit. 

“Yeah.” 

I sighed as I start to make coffee. The very mere fact that I have my own coffee machine in my house is because of her— she influenced me back in the days because she loves coffee so much. And I still have her influence up until now. 

I saw Sandara from my peripheral view slowly removing her blazer and sat on the couch. She even roam her gaze. Maybe she’s wondering why my unit still looks the same— or maybe she didn’t noticed it. I bet she already forgot how this unit looks like. 

“Here.” I said as I placed the mug on the coffee table. 

“Thanks.” Sandara gave me a smile. 

She took a sip and placed it on her lap. Her fingers were rubbing on the mug’s handle, most probably to ease her nervousness. 

“So…” I started. We both fell silent. I was waiting for her to say something. I saw her sigh. 

“I… I just want to say I’m sorry.” Sandara said. She lowered her head and continued rubbing the mugs handle. 

I didn’t utter a word. I just look at her. Seeing her like this isn’t making me happy but I know we should really talk. Running away will only prolong this agony. My agony. 

I wanted to hear her side. We are adult— we need to face these or nothing will change. We can’t move forward without closing this chapter of our life. We need closure. I need closure. 

“I’m sorry because I left 8 years ago without saying a proper goodbye.” 

I sighed and placed my mug on the table. “I have a question.” 

“W-What is it?” She whispered. 

“Why didn’t you tell me about the Stanford?” I look at her and saw her eyes glistened. “I know we didn’t officially dated but, you could have said or even mentioned about it.” 

“Because I know I’ll become greedy. Heck, I became greedy, Ji.” Her voice trembled. “Y-You see, I was content with you being my friend. I was happy that we can spend time eating together or study or just plainly banter about random things. And honestly, I forgot about the Stanford. I didn’t even remember it but when Dad asked me about the papers needed for the Law School— that’s when I remember about the original plan. I… I forgot about my main goal for studying so hard. And it’s all because of you…” 

I looked at her and saw her tears fall. I… I don’t like seeing her cry. I bent down and wiped her tears. It hurts me more seeing her cry like this. My heart hurst like hell. 

“Because you… start to notice me in a different way. The moment you gave me those meaningful smile or the confirmation of your feelings, I… I got lost. I forgot everything and I got greedy. I got so greedy for your attention and affection, Ji. I… I know I was leading you on, but heck, the attention you’re giving to me makes me so happy. It’s addicting. I’m so greedy and unfair that I lied to you just so I can be with you. And I am so sorry…” 

This time, Sandaras’ shoulders were shaking from crying. She’s sobbing like a kid. She looked at me— nose were so red and with puffy eyes. And I… I want to caged her in my arms and hold her tight. 

“I… I just want to be next to you for a longer time, Ji. Every waking day, I wish I could just spend the day with you, not minding the fact that by graduation I will definitely leave you behind.” 

“But you didn’t say anything. And you lied, Sandara. I asked you, for so many times. You could have been honest with me.” I said, upset of her. “I know I’ll get hurt but… I also know I will understand. I will try to understand.” 

She held my hand and pull them towards her cheeks. “I could have tell you the truth but… I got scared. I got scared that telling you the truth will change what we have. I… I’m scared you’ll stay away knowing I’ll leave.” 

“You know I won’t leave you…” 

Sandara chuckled. “You tend to runaway when things get serious, right? With your past relationships. And if telling you the truth will make you runaway from me, I’d rather tell lies so I can be with you a bit longer.” 

We fell silent— Sandara’s still silently crying while I look at her. 

“I was so happy, Ji. For years of being ‘just’ your classmate, that was the time you showered me with so much affection. And that affection you showed to me made me so happy that I would rather regret it in the end than not feeling it at all. I… I’ve been loving you from afar.” 

“I know…” I whispered. “And I’m sorry for hurting you unconsciously.” 

Sandara shook her head and gave me a smile. “I’m sorry. For lying, for making you feel like unworthy of the truth.” 

I nod. I understand her. 

“The letter you left…” 

Sandara wiped her tears. “Yeah…” 

“How did you know that if I knew about the Stanford I will follow you?” 

Because it’s true— if I have known it before, I will move everything just to be with her. I can easily send an application, with my grades and recommendations from the school, I know I can be with her. 

“Because you are my best friend.” She gave me a smile. “I know a lot of things about you, Ji. And I know you won’t follow me because I know you love me. You respect my decision.” 

I can only sigh because it’s true. I can follow her there the following year but I didn’t. “Because you want to be your person.” I said. 

“And I thank you for that.” 

“But still, I still followed you unconsciously, Sandara. Look at me now, I became a Lawyer. I guess, you got it  all wrong. You are not on my shadow, because I became your shadow. I… I unconsciously follow everything about you. Realising it too late, maybe even before I started to notice about my feelings for you, I… I’ve been your shadow since then.” 

Sandara and I both succumb to the silence that we are into. I’m still on my knees and gently caressing her cheeks. My sweet, little Sandara. 

“I just want to know one thing…”

“What is it?” 

“When you told me that you love me, was that also a lie?” I asked while look at her eyes. 

Sandara looked at me. Her eyes filled with tears suddenly became so clear. “The only thing that is true is my feelings for you, Ji. I may have lied to you about anything else but not about my feelings. And I’m sorry for questioning your feelings for me. I’m not stupid not to know you love me, Ji. Your words and your actions were enough for me to know about your feelings but at the same time, I got scared. You… you love me too much that I know I can’t handle it at that time.” 

“Then, can you handle it this time?” I bravely asked her. 

Sandara smiled. But her smile didn’t reach to her eyes. It was… a sad smile. “But it’s too late, Ji.” 

“What do you—“

Our conversation got cut off because of my phone ringing. It was Nana who’s calling. I saw Sandara is looking at my phone too. She sighed. 

“Answer it.” She simply said. 

I sighed too as I answer the call. “Hello?” 

“Honeybee wants to see her uncle with a bag of peaches.” 

“Come on, love! Stop calling Jiyong every time you want to eat something!” I heard Masaki from the other line. “I’m here! I can buy it for you.” 

I laughed. How cute could these two could get? “Okay. I’ll bring it. What else do you want?” 

“Hmm. And Pistachio ice cream.” 

“Got it.” I ended the call but heard they were still arguing about me bringing food for Nana. 

Sandara wiped her tears and smiled at me. “You gotta go?” 

I nod. I looked at her and smiled. “Thank you.” 

Sandara shook her head. “I should be the one to say thank you. Thank you, for not hating me so much.” 

“I honestly… didn’t hate you at all. I was mad, yes, but I can’t seem to hate you. I got mad for choosing Stanford over me. I know, t’was a childish reason. I got mad when you lied and for not telling the truth. I got mad for leaving me behind that easily.” I honestly said. 

Sandara sadly smile. “How could you be so good, Ji?” 

I shook my head. “I am not good. It’s just… because it’s you, Sandara.” 

Again, silence filled the room. But it’s not the awkward silence anymore. I felt like something in my heart left. I don’t know— negative emotions perhaps. Ive been holding these emotions and questions for so long that having a talk with her made my heart feel so light. 

“I’ve always imagined this day. You getting mad at me, shouting. Never have I thought this talk will be this… mature and calm.” Sandara commented. 

I smiled. “I guess, time made us really mature. I can still remember the last time we talked. Damn it. It was one of a hell chaotic. I’m sorry for that.” 

Sandara laughed. For the first time, she laughed. And hearing her laughter is making my heart melt. The calming sensation every time I hear her laughter. 

“So…” she said. She raised her hand and motioned for a shake hands. “This is it.” 

I held her hand firmly. “Yeah.” 

“C-Can I atleast get a hug?” She shyly said. 

I opened my arms and enveloped Sandara is my arms. Both of my arms were resting on her waist. She still smells so good. Like vanilla. 

“Thank you, Ji. For the… good times.” 

I smiled. A genuine smile. Something inside me felt alive and somehow… hopeful. 

THESE PAST FEW days felt like I am a new person. Gone is the serious and uptight Kwon Jiyong. Even my secretary asked me if something good happened because I am such in a good mood. 

I mean, who wouldn’t? It seems like Sandara and I got back to being close friends. We hang-out after office hours and talk about everything and anything. We’re catching up. It felt like just before and nothing has changed. 

“I need coffee.” I heard her ranting while sitting on my visitors chair. She’s rubbing her nose bridge as she removes her reading glasses. 

I laughed as I push my chair away and stand up. “Let’s have a coffee break then.” 

She opened her eyes and smile at me. We both walk side by side as we approach the elevator. 

“I want to go home.” She pouted while waiting for the lift. She then faced me. “I mean, I know it’s still 2PM but I want to go home and rest.” 

“Did you not sleep well?” I asked her as we enter the elevator. I pressed the button to the first floor. 

“That’s the problem. I slept well yet I’m so damn tired.” 

I can’t help but chuckle hearing her cursed. So many things changed— Sandara now curses and even drinks a lot. 

“Just hang in there. Tomorrow is Saturday so no office work.” 

Sandara rolled her eyes. “No office work, true, but I need to prepare for the Court hearing on Monday.” 

I chuckled. As usual, we got our coffee and for the team. We waited as they prepare our drinks. 

“So, how was… uhm, Nana?” She randomly asked with a crooked smile. 

“Fine. She’s doing fine. And she eats a lot.” I giggled. 

Sandara just nod and looked away. We both fell into silence. I was busy looking at her and she’s busy looking at the people outside the coffee shop. I was wondering if staring at those random people more fun than talking while looking at me. 

“How many months… uhm, the… err…” 

I don’t know why but I laughed. Sandara looked at me, confused. “What?” 

“It seems like you forgot how to construct a proper sentence, Attorney.” I joked.

She pouted. “I feel awkward asking.” 

I chuckled and pinched her cheeks, making her fluster. “Why? It’s just a simple question though.” 

“Okay. Now tell me, how many months is her tummy?” 

“3 months.” I said. “There’s still no baby bump yet, I know.”

She just nod and bit her lower lip. Again, she’s bitting her lower lip. I pulled all of my strength not to kiss her. Those kissable lips. 

I shook my head. Enough with those weird thoughts. We’re just friends now. 

Although we talked already, we still haven’t touched the subject about ‘us’— we only talked about the problem we had. I don’t know why we didn’t touch that topic. 

Maybe because we both want to start in a clean slate. 

Or maybe she’s seeing someone else and she doesn’t give a about me— well, I remember her telling me there is someone waiting for her here. 

I clenched my fist. Damn it. Who’s that motherf— oh, shut up Ji! You’re not dating her for Santa Clause’ sake! 

“Well, didn’t expect she’ll… well, you two…” 

I chuckled. “Me either.” 

It’s really unexpected. Her becoming part of our family. I mean, she told me she liked me and yet years after that, she’s marrying my cousin. Which is so cute. Maybe, I am the bridge to their happiness. 

“Well…”

I cleared my throat and bravely asked. “How about you? Are you seeing someone?” 

Sandara blinked 3 times which is cute. “Nope.” 

“Oh.”

“I was… well, I was about to tell this guy, the guy that I like since forever, about my feelings but well, I was too late.” She said. There is sadness and regret in her eyes. 

“Why?”

“He’s getting married. And well, her fiancé is pregnant.” 

Sandaras’ eyes moistened. My heart ached. As per instinct, I cupped her face and gently rubs her cheeks. Sandara looked shocked but she didn’t stepped back nor pushed my hand away.

“Ji…”

“Why waste your time on him? Sandara I—“

“Order for Mr. Jiyong!” I heard the staff called us. 

I sighed and went to the counter and grab our order. “Let’s go.” I said, not even looking at her. 

“I’m sorry if I went out of line.” I mumbled. 

“N-No. It’s fine.” Sandara whispered. 

“But on a serious note. Don’t waste your time with someone who’s about to get married. You are special, Sandara. You are smart and beautiful. And… you don’t deserve to cry over some .” 

I gritted my teeth with so much anger. To that guy— him! For making my sweet Sandara cry. 

“Babe…” I whispered. I saw Sandaras’ eyes widened. I slowly reached for her hand and hold them— inserting my fingers in between her fingers. My heart is beating so damn fast that I felt like I am having a heart attack! 

“Why don’t we… give it a try? Again?” I asked, more like a whisper. 

For the love of all the gods, I want to make her mine. This time, no more lies.