Chapter 24 

Loving You Is Painful 

I drew our faces closer. Damn it. I want to memorise her beautiful face. My guts is telling me that… Sandara will leave me. She will leave me hanging and broken. And I hate these thoughts. 

I my lower lip and held her by her nape and kissed her. Deeply. Hungrily. the ‘take it slow’ fiasco, I will make sure that Sandara will be mine. Not tomorrow, but now. 

Her sweet scent… is making it harder for me to control myself. Maybe it was the alcohol or maybe it’s just what I really feel inside. Damn it. Sandara is making me crazy and loose all of my self-control. The past version of me is taking control. 

I gave her another peck on her lips as I whispered, “Babe…” 

. I want her. Skin to skin. Raw. Inside of me… 

As I tilted my head and I saw Sandaras eyes- those sleepy yet sensual gaze and I, who’s only a human, I lost all of my self control. I kissed her more, hungrily, like I’ve been starved for ages. 

I kept on kissing her, nibbling her lips, as my hand started to trail inside her shirt. I felt that Sandara stilled, maybe got shocked with my actions. 

Damn it. My self-control… where are you? 

But, heck. I pressed my lips harder on hers. The tip of my tongue nibble her lower lip, urging it to open so my tongue can enter . And when her lips parted a bit, I hungrily swirl my tongue to the insides of - encouraging her to follow my every move.

They’re both not drunk- he drunk a little but his mind is as clear the skies. He should control himself, he’s more knowledgeable with this matter but, it. Sandaras lips tasted sinful heaven- I couldn’t resist it. 

“Babe…” I mumbled as I rested my forehead to hers as we both gasped for air. 

“J-Ji…”

“I want you…” I whispered, still looking in her eyes. Damn it. 

This… isn’t what I want to do. We need to talk- a serious talk. But, heck. I also want her. 

This might seems wrong- no, this is so wrong. We are not a couple, but I know we love each other. We both wanted this… to happen. it. Why is it so complicated? Babe, why do you make this so complicated for the both of us? 

Sandara’s breathing hitched and she slowly closed her eyes and kissed me. I kissed her back and made the kiss more intense. I held her thighs and lifted her up, not breaking the kiss, and went to my room. Our kiss became more intense- more wanting. 

I’ve kissed her before and I’ve kissed so many girls but this one, this kiss felt different. I can feel the sincerity and sadness at the same time. 

Our kiss broke off when I laid her on my bed. I was on top of her. Her hair were all over her beautiful face. I removed them slowly and saw Sandara’s face- her eyes were full of desire. I cupped her face, gently rubbing my thumb on her lips and cheeks. 

“D-Do you really want to do this?” I asked. I kissed her temple, her cheeks and the tip of her nose. I gave her soft, tiny kisses. 

She nodded. “Yes…” 

My lips traveled down to her neck. I pulled her closer and heard her gasped. I felt the electricity. 

I kept on kissing her neck- and bitting down to her collarbone. Then I went back to kissing her. I will never get tired of kissing you, babe. I kissed her differently- aggressive, passionate, wanting. And surprisingly, she’s kissing me back with the same intensity. 

I always respects and careful with her- God knows how much I want to make things slow and right. I always put boundaries even though I’m a bit touchy and possessive with her. I always, always make sure I don’t cross the line— but the selfish Jiyong, the hurt Jiyong and the aggressive Jiyong possesses me. 

We were both gasping for air. I slowly lifted her shirt while looking at her intently. She looks so y— the innocence is now gone. She even helped me in removing my shirt. She sat down and initiated the kiss. , babe. 

She kissed me like her life depends on it. I conquered the insides of . We were both and I can’t help but admire her. 

“You’re so beautiful…” I whispered. “Babe, you’re so ing beautiful…” 

“Ji…” she moaned. 

Oh, . I grinned at her and kissed the top of her nose, lips, her eyelids, her jawline. Then down to her neck and collarbone. 

“Babe…” I said as I kept on nibbling her collarbone. It’s so ing y. 

We were both kissing and whispering sweet nothings to each other. Heck. We’re not yet a couple huh. And she doesn’t like me huh. I want to let out a sarcastic laugh. 

I gave her kisses all over her body. To her shoulders, abdomen, down to her feet. . She’s so perfect— and I think I worship her. 

I placed her in between my thigh still kissing her lips. 

“Are you sure babe?” I asked again. “… about making love to me?” 

What we are about to do… is the act of making love. This is not just pure . This isn’t just lust. 

I want to make sure that we are both on the same page— the talk. We will talk later. 

She nodded and kissed me on my cheeks. “Make love to me, babe…” 

I gave her another peck. “This… will hurt.” 

She just nod and kissed me again. 

I put her legs on my waist as I entered her. I saw her pained expression as I enter— I can feel her nails on my shoulder and tears were falling from her eyes. I kissed them. 

“O-Ouch…”

I kept on kissing her as I kept on saying ‘sorry’. Damn it. I promise I’ll be gentle babe… 

I felt Sandaras arms wrapped on my neck. I deepen the kiss. I heard her light moans making me smile. 

I slowly moved inside of her. She feels so good. I wanted to be inside her forever. I kissed her, deeper. My hands were all over. Damn it. I pulled her closer to mine, as if we are not close enough. 

“Ohhh, Ji…” she moaned as I move faster and faster. 

In every moan I hear from her, my desire for her kept on rising. I can feel it… it’s building up inside of him. I can’t see the pain on Sandara’s face anymore— I can see pleasure as I move. 

All of my uncertainties and thoughts flew away. I just want to pleasure Sandara. I put my face on her neck and kissed her. I kissed her again and again until we both reached the top. 

I slowly rolled beside her. I pulled the blanket on her body as I kiss her forehead, cheeks, nose, lips, eyes and neck. My kisses were scattered all over and I heard her soft giggles. 

Sandara’s eyes were still closed as she pants for air. 

“Are you okay, babe? Did… did I hurt you?” 

She look at me with those y, sleepy eyes. She shook her head as she reached for my face. “N-No.” 

I pull her closer to me. We are now both inside the blanket- and raw. I kept on kissing her shoulder and neck. 

“Let’s sleep first. We will talk again later. Okay, babe?” 

She nod as she smile at me. “Yes babe…”

I gave her another kiss on her lips. “I love you, babe… Please, don’t leave me…”

She just smiled. 

I WAS NOT drunk and I know what happened yesterday. I remember it all vividly. 

When I woke up, Sandara isn’t in my bed. I imagine to wake up with a smile on my face and to see the sleeping Sandara, but I can only imagine. My bed is empty. A huge empty space besides me. I sighed. Sandara’s not around anymore. 

I got up and get dressed. My heart is beating anxiously fast. The bed is still warm— she might be in the living room or what. I want to think positively. I got to the restroom and she’s not there. 

I got an awful feeling and hurriedly got up. When I went out of the room, I saw her by the door and was about to open them. 

“W-Where are you going?” I nervously asked. 

I’m still afraid and anxious. And my gut tells me that she will leave me. And I will not see her again.  

“I… I need to go home.” She said without looking at me. 

I went beside her and held her arm. “W-Where are you going?” I asked her again. . Why do I feel this way? I cannot trust Sandara anymore! 

“H-Home.” 

She’s lying. Again. Why does she kept on lying to me? And she’s not a good liar! 

“Babe… tell me the truth.” I said, tightening my grip. 

“I-It’s already late. I-I didn’t go home yesterday and mom’s looking for me.” 

I didn’t buy it this time. Again, the anger inside of me wants to come up. 

“We need to talk.” I coldly said to her. My grip tightened. “We ing need to talk this time.” 

“O-Ouch. Y-You’re hurting me—“

“How about me? Aren’t you hurting me too?! , Sandara. You’re breaking me! You… you’re killing me slowly!” I screamed. 

I pulled her to me and saw that she’s crying again. . What the heck is happening again? 

“You’re lying to me…” I whispered. “Why do you keep on lying to me, Sandara? . Why can’t you be honest to me?! Why?!” 

She wiped her tears and sadly smile. “W-What are you saying? I-I need to go home. It’s late—“

“I told you we need to talk!” I roared. “You… you kept on running away from me! From this! Why, babe? Why?!” 

Sandara shook her head and tried to reach for my face. I tapped her hand— as if I don’t want to be held by her. I’m so tired of this conversation. I’m so tired of thinking that I’m not worth it— not worthy of the truth, not worthy of her trust. 

“Why do you keep on doing this to me…” I mumbled as tears started to form in my eyes. I harshly wiped them. “Why do you keep on hurting me?” 

“I’m sorry. I-I told you I’ll just go home—“

“Stop lying!” 

“I am not lying—“

“Then why the heck do you have this letter in my table?!” 

I showed her her letter. Her eyes widened and shook her head. As if she can’t believe that I found her letter. 

“Your what? Huh? You’re leaving? What the heck, babe, we made love earlier! What the ! This isn’t a one night stand for s sake!” 

She tried to reach out for me but I shook my head. “I’ll just go h-home. I’ll be back.” 

I… still don’t believe her. “Don’t… don’t lie to me please…” 

Her lips trembled but she gave me a smile. “I’ll be back. Just… just wait for me. W-We will talk later, hmmm.” 

I didn’t respond as I bow down my head. . She’s so good at hurting me. 

I felt Sandara’s hand on my hand and squeezes them. “H-Hey, I’ll be b-back.” 

“Why can’t you be honest with me…”

“I-I am honest to you, Ji…” 

I remained silent. Sandara cupped my face and lifted my head. She was crying this time. . How can I believe that she’s honest when she’s crying like she will never see me again? 

She look at me with those eyes while giving me sad smile. She gave me tiny kisses all over my face. Damn it. “I love you, babe…” 

“Lies…” 

She gave me a kiss on my lips— deep and with a feeling of finality. Why does it feel like she’s not coming back? My gut is telling me… she will never come back. 

“Can’t you stay?” I asked. 

She looked away. “I-I am staying.”

“You liar…” I mumbled. 

We both remained silent. Sandara hugged me tightly. I remained still. I feel so numb and stupid. I felt like she’s playing with me— she’s innocently playing with my feelings. 

She let go of me. And it felt like half of me died. 

I heard her footsteps near the door and I just silently watched her. Tears were falling from her eyes, so as mine. She was holding the doorknob when I said, 

“If… If you go out from my unit, it means that you… you don’t love me.” 

I was looking at her and saw that she kept still. She didn’t move nor made a sound. 

“If… If you really love me… Babe, you will not lie to me. You… will stay and we will talk.” I continued. “If you really love me… you will tell me the truth. You will tell me the reason why you said those words to me earlier. Be it a stupid reason or not.” 

She gasped and I saw her shoulders shaking. She’s crying again. And I knew she just lied to me. 

“Babe, if you go out of my unit… we are over…” I whispered. 

Over… we didn’t even started yet we are talking about ending this. ing bull. Everything… feels like a bull. 

“It means… w-we didn’t happen. I-I will never see you again. I… I cannot love someone who can’t be honest with me.” 

“I’m sorry, Ji…” 

“If you leave me… I will forget about you…” 

All those words were just empty threats. I know I can’t forget her nor see her. Sandara will always be in my heart. 

Sandara didn’t respond but instead she went back to me and gave me one last kiss on my lips. It was a long, sad kiss. Then she hurriedly went out of my condo. 

I felt like this… will be the last time I’ll be seeing her. My gut is telling me she will never come back. I bit my lower lip as I kick the door of my unit. 

“Loving you is so ing painful…”