Chapter 28 

Old habits 

“Thanks, Ji. For always accompanying Nana.” My cousin, Masaki said. 

I shook my head and tapped his shoulder. “Of course. You know that Nana is my favorite ex girlfriend.” 

Masaki snorted as he elbowed me on my stomach. “Ex girlfriend, my . We both know you two didn’t dated back then.” 

I laughed at his remark. 

It’s true. Nana and I didn’t dated. Not even close to dating. Well, Nana told me she has a crush on me on my graduation day. She kept on coming to see me during my review and made me feel better. She became a constant companion and a good friend but that was it— she’s like my little sister, my ball of sunshine in my darkest time. 

“But I did have a crush on, Jiyong sunbae.” Nana giggled. “Like he’s so cool!” 

Masaki rolled his eyes as I laugh so hard. “See? I told you, we are ex—“

“No you’re not!” Masaki yelled. He went to Nana and hugged her from the back. “Love, is this the time that I’ll get jealous? You even called hyung ‘honeybee’! Honeybee is our baby.” 

“Because he’s my honeybee.” Nana once again giggled as he took another bite of that cringey pancake. “Baby honeybee likes Uncle Jiyong.” 

“Fine, fine.” 

I just looked at them. Funny how they ended up dating instead of me and Nana.  Because while Nana kept on bugging me, Masaki kept on bugging her too. And then, all of a sudden, Nana said, “I’m so sorry, sunbae. But I like someone else. And… it’s your cousin, Masaki.” 

I laughed so hard at that time. I mean, I only see her as my little sister. And I am glad she’s dating Masaki because I know she’s in good hands. And now they’re getting married. 

“Well, when will you be leaving?” I asked Masaki. 

Masaki’s eyebrows furrowed as he look at me. “I just got here and now you’re asking me when will I leave?” 

“Shut up. I’m just asking. Grumpy, .” 

“Honeybee! The baby shouldn’t hear bad words, please.” Nana looked at us angrily. She then faced her fiancé. “And you, you should be grateful because he keeps on feeding me.” 

I laughed upong seeing Masaki pouted his lips and kissed Nana’s forehead. “Sorry, Love. But hey, my schedule is now clear. Up until next year.” 

Nana’s eyes beamed as she kissed her fiancé on his cheeks. “Then, we can be together?” 

Masaki nod and kissed her temple. “Yup.” 

I am so happy they’re happy. Although Masaki’s work in Japan is demanding, he still manage to go back here secretly every now and then— just like when they were still dating. Because Masaki is a Japanese actor, he kept things private. The main reason I sometimes accompany Nana and him to hospitals and the wedding preparation. 

“Well, I have to go home since I already fed this pregnant monster.” I bid my goodbye to the two of them. They just waved at me. I sighed as I drove back to my house. 

After taking a shower, I went to bed and try to sleep. I just want to empty my head but it seems like I can’t fall asleep— as usual. I want to drink but I don’t think a drink will help me this time. 

I took my phone and went to Sandara’s IG account- like what I usually do. I saw her post today: Regret is a . 

I sighed. What did she regret? Did she regret about not taking the shots with me? Did she regret coming back here late? Did she regret seeing me again? 

All of these questions, along with my other many questions, will only be answered if we sincerely talk. 

“Maybe, it’s about time to face this…” I mumbled as I fall into slumber. 

WEEKS SEEMS like usual but isn’t. Heck, working with your ex… I mean, working with Sandara is fine. But awkward. How funny to think that the person who hurts you the most, is the same person who can make you happy. And can make you feel alive.

Although working with her is awkwardly awkward, if I even make sense, seeing her and be with her and talking to her just like before is making all the stress go away. 

“You done with the motions?” I asked her one afternoon. 

She looked up and grunted. Cute. “Yep. I e-mailed it to you earlier.” 

Sandaras work ethics is really good. And she works fast. Some of our affiliates call her ‘Monster Rookie’ and I almost laugh because she was called ‘Academic Monster’ back in the days. She’s really good at what she’s doing. And I admire her for that. 

“Care for a coffee?” I asked her. 

She blinked a couple of times and then smiled at me. “Sure.” 

I saw her grab her purse and closed her laptop. She pull out a mirror on her drawer and took a quick glance at her reflection. 

Well, in my eyes… “You still look beautiful…” I mumbled. I want to smack myself for thinking out loud. It’s embarrassing. 

Sandara stiffened and smile at me. “T-Thanks.” 

I looked away. I felt like my cheeks were burning. I went out of her office and waited for her near the elevator. I want to punch myself for saying words like that. I may have still feelings for her but I don’t know if we feel the same. If we are on the same page. 

At the back of my head, even if I still love her, I don’t want to pursue her again and easily be dropped like a hot potato. No, this time… I won’t let myself be taken for granted. 

I love her, I still do. But things won’t be settled and be back to normal just because I still love her. 

In awhile she stood beside me. I inhaled her scent. It’s still the same. She still smells so good. Like… the home I’ve been waiting and wanting. 

“After you.” I motioned her to enter the elevator. 

We were silently waiting for the elevator to reach the first floor. I was looking at her through the door reflection— and she’s doing the same thing. We both awkwardly smile. 

“Are you comfortable with the new office?” I asked, trying to bury the awkwardness between us. 

“Yeah.” She simply answered. “Uhm, Jiji…”

I looked at her, unconsciously my mouth fell. It’s been… years. Since she called me that. It felt music to my ears. My heart starts to beat fast, again. I do hope she can’t heard it. I cleared out my throat. 

“Hmm?” 

“A-About Nana…” 

Sandara seems… worried. She kept on glancing at me. I noticed that since yesterday she seems bothered whenever she looks at me. As if she knows something that I don’t know. 

“Hmm? What about her?” 

The door opened. We both went out. I was waiting for her to say something but she didn’t utter a word. I just shrug and went to the coffee shop nearby. 

“Take out?” I asked. She nodded. 

I ordered our coffee and waited in one of the empty table. 

“Uhm…” Sandara kept on rubbing her thumb. She looks so tensed and nervous which makes me more curious. 

“What is it?” I urged her to say it. 

Sandara sighed. “I saw her the other day…” 

I look at her silently. “Uh-huh…”

“A-And… she’s with a-another man.” Sandara lowered her head and clasped both of her hand. “I-I don’t know if I have the rights to tell you this b-because I-I am just an outsider b-but I don’t want to keep it as a secret from you. I saw them holding hands. T-They seemed so happy. I’m sorry, Jiji.” 

I didn’t react as Sandara stared at me. She seems so concerned and I don’t know why but my heart leaped. I don’t know why I am feeling this. It seems like there’s a huge misunderstanding here. 

“Does this unknown guy wears a mask and a huge glasses?” I carefully asked her. 

She nodded. “I-I’m really sorry I… I don’t want to pry.” 

“Was this the other day? In the afternoon?” 

“Yeah. And she calls the man ‘love’. I-I know I don’t have the rights but if you’re getting married and will have a baby but she’s with another man—” Sandara paused for awhile upon seeing me smiling. “Wait. Was that you?” 

I bit my lower lip. Why do I find this amusing? Does she think Nana is cheating? That we are in a relationship? And heck, me marrying Nana? Me being the father of her child? 

I was about to say something when I heard my name was called. I went to the counter and took our order— coffee for us and for everyone. 

We both went back to the firm and I forgot to tell her a reply. We got busy again and god knows how tiring this day. 

It’s past 6PM when I decided to go out and eat dinner. Nana and Masaki is for sure having a date so maybe tonight, I’ll eat alone. I don’t want to bother their date. 

My secretary went home already. The elevator doors were about to close when I saw a small hand stopping it from closing. 

“Sorry.” Sandara said as she entered. She was shocked when she saw me inside the lift. “Hey…”

“Hey. Going home?” I casually ask. 

Sandara nod. “Yeah.” 

Once again, we fell silent. Awkward silence.

“How about dinner?” I asked her. I bit my inner cheeks as I suppress my desire to smile at her. 

“Huh?” 

“If you’re… well, hungry. Let’s have dinner. Together.” I shyly said. 

The elevator doors opened and we both went out. 

“H-How about Nana?” 

“What about her?” 

We were now in the Parking Space. We were both heading to our car— our parking spot is beside each other. 

“Y-You wouldn’t ask her?” 

“She probably have eaten.” I said. “Now, what’s the verdict?” 

I saw her wetting her lip with her tongue. I gulped. The urge to kiss her here and right now— stop. This isn’t the right time to think about that. 

“Convoy?” She asked. 

“Sure.” 

We both decided to eat at Jack’s Ridge since it’s just near our Firm and most probably, the restaurant nearby is already packed. And it has an overlooking view of the City’s Lights making our atmosphere light. 

The ride is a bit long due to heavy traffic. Nothing unusual huh. 

I was thinking about things while driving. Maybe Nana was right. We have to talk about our past. Honestly, the supposed ‘talk’ is already long overdue. We should have talked the moment we saw each other. 

I parked my car and waited for her. Sandara went out and damn it seeing her went out from her car, my heart still sings for her. 8 years and still… it’s still her. I’m so drown in love. 

Damn it. They say ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ and I do believe it now. My heart— still and will still screams Sandara’s name. 

“Order anything.” I said as I gave her the menu. 

Sandara gladly obliged and order the food she wants to eat. I silently laugh as she ordered too many yet I know she can finish them. It brings back the old times. 

“So…”

“Tell me about Stanford.” I said as drink water. 

“Hmm. It was nice yet stressful.” She said. “I… I made a lot of new friends.” 

I smiled at her. “Good for you.” I’m happy that she learned to make friends there. That she’s not alone in a new environment. 

“How about you? H-How was life after Uni?” 

“Hmm. Let’s just say life is like walking in a park but in Jurassic Park.” I joked. “I got busy after you… uhh, after graduation. Exams then I enrolled to Masters.” 

“Did you practice it?” She’s referring to my Architecture Degree. 

“Actually, no.” I honestly said. 

“W-Why?” 

I looked at her and faintly smile. “I feel so unmotivated. It seems like you… you took away my motivation too when you left.” I let out an awkward chuckle. 

“S-Sorry…” 

We both fell into silent. I sighed. 

“Well, I’m still doing some ‘part time’ when I’m free. I am one of the freelance Architect of Nana’s Firm.” 

“H-How about… uhm, d-dating life.” Sandara played with her hands. “Oh, sorry. I’m just… curious.” 

“I dated. A few times.” 

It’s true. I did try but I failed. Miserably. It seems like I am trying to find something but I can’t seems to find it. The girls I dated… they don’t have that ‘something’ that will make me happy. 

“Oh…” 

“How about you? Did you… uh, date someone in Stanford?” 

I don’t know but my heart felt tight while waiting for her answer. 

Sandara let out a small laugh. “Nope.” 

“Why?” I asked, more like a whisper. 

“My b-boyfriend…” Sandara bit her lower lip and sigh. “T-there is someone waiting for me here. W-Well, I hoped he’s still waiting for me despite the uncertainties and the way I… ended things here.” 

I stare at her as she met mine. Sandara looked away. “I’m sorry…” 

“If you’re really sorry, tell me everything I need to know. With your shallow reasons and all...” 

Sandara looked at me and again, her eyes starts to water. “I…” 

“Well, maybe this is not the right place, huh.” 

We fell silent. The food came and we started to eat silently. Damn it. This time, I am at fault. 

I know we should really talk but I don’t think I’ll be happy after knowing her reasons. Of course, I know the reason but I am afraid to hear, straight from , that she chose Stanford over me. 

Coward, yes, I am. 

Deep inside of me, I wanted to just forget about everything and start all over again. But, that’s just running away from the core reason of my agony and pain. I sighed again. 

“Thanks for the dinner.” She said. She was about to enter her car when I held her hand. Her hand still feels warm and soft. My heart is beating… normally. Just like before. 

“Isn’t it about time to talk about it?” I nervously asked her. “We… we should talk.” 

Sandara blinked a few times but nod. “W-When?”

“Now.” 

“W-Where?”

“Your place? Or mine? A place where we can have privacy.” 

“Y-Your place.” She simply said. 

“Let’s use my car. I’ll just someone to take your car to your unit.” 

She silently nod. 

I called someone to get her car. I opened the door for her and damn it, she still smells nice. Again, there’s the nostalgic feeling about this— me opening the doors for her and her inside my car. 

I close the door and sighed. I silently drove heading to my condo unit. We were both silently sitting there. Sandara is looking at the window and from time to time sighs. I know, this talk will be long and maybe emotionally draining us. 

Sandara’s hand were on her lap and she seems nervously playing with it. I was silently driving and concentrating when I unconsciously held her hand put it in my lap after I held the gear stick. 

Sandara stilled and I felt shock. It felt like her hand being on my lap is the most normal thing while I drive. I usually put her hand on my lap while driving before. 

I bit my lower lip. “S-Sorry. Old habits die hard.” 

We both fell silent… yet her hand remained there.