Chapter 17 

Cold shower
 

We just stayed like that for a couple of minutes. I don’t really mind. Her faces is buried on my chest. Her sobs were now slowly turning into a soft hiccups. I was gently brushing her hair and rubbing her arm. We’re now sitting on the sofa, both our legs were raised to have a comfortable sit. 

“I… I still don’t understand why dad keeps on insisting… this.” She mumbled. I looked at her and her swollen eyes were closed and her red cheeks were in my chest. “I’m fine with doing law a-after… I just want to finish this. To do things that I want.” 

I kissed her head. She still smells so good. 

I remember Sandara being strong and brave and seeing her cry and breakdown like this is making me weak. I don’t want her to cry. I… I just want to see her smile and hear her laugh. 

“I-I’m really sorry Jiji.” she said. She looked up, our eyes met. This might be the closest time our face got so close. And damn it, I like this view. 

I smiled. “It’s really fine. I am so glad that finally, finally, you open up to me.” 

She nodded. “When Chaerin left, I… I don’t have many friends—“ 

“You have me. I’ll always be here for you." I cut. “It may seems like I’m always teasing you or pestering you but I… I always care for you, b-babe.” 

After a long pause, she mumbled, “Thanks.” 

Another minutes passed. On normal days, being this close to her is like a dream. I may not be her boyfriend- yet, not yet- but I am her boy friend. I’m always with her. Lunch buddies, coffee date, thesis, internship. We always communicate. I’m this close to her and yet, she seems so far. We may be always together but there’s really an invisible wall between us. Maybe because I am her ‘academic rival’ so she doesn’t consider me as her ‘friend’.

But we both know that we are not rivals. It’s just that… from the very beginning she keeps on insisting that we are. 

“So, what’s your plan now?” 

“Still the same. Graduate—“ 

“— as the Top in our batch. Yeah, yeah. I know.” I joked. I felt her cheeks moved, indicating she smiled. “If…. Well, if you need help- in whatever form it may be- I am always, always here. One call away, okay?” 

“Thanks Jiji.” 

I felt Sandara relaxed in awhile. I looked down and saw her eyes slowly closing. Maybe she got tired from the crying. And it’s making me sad. 

She deserves only good things in life. She may be an ‘academic monster’ but Sandara is really kind. And her being stressed about things she shouldn’t be is kinda sad. 

Her breathing starts to get slow. And she fell asleep. We’re still on the same position- more like a cuddling position. On normal days this may seems to be awkward- too much skinship- but damn, I don’t give a . I want to be this close to her. 

Call me an but I will grab every opportunity I will get to be this close to her. I don’t give a . Maybe, they are right. I am an for taking advantage of her situation. But I can’t think straight. I… I really like her. And after that drunken ‘confession’- if it’s a confession or what- I’ve decided to make a move. The feeling is mutual. 

She has a crush on me. And I like her. A lot. 

I may like her a lot and I will work hard to make her fall for me. Fall deep. 

I woke up when I felt my arm numbed. I open my eyes and I saw the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. Apart from my mom and sister. 

I smiled. My arm is numb yet I don’t want to move. Even an inch. I stared at sleeping Sandara. I didn’t even realise that we are now lying down on the sofa. The sofa is not that big and yet we both fit on it. I was on the edge. Her  other hand is on my chest. I gently hold it and put it near my mouth and kissed it. 

Damn. I did so many bad things before and if this is my karma, I will gladly take this. 

I am not a good person. I played around, sleep a lot. Before. I date girls just to get to their pants- and I am not proud of it. Before I may be so proud of my ‘girl collection’ but not anymore. And after realising that I am in love with Sandara- the very person I thought who is boring and just another face in the crowd- I regretted everything. 

Sandara stirred, indicating she’s waking up. She opened her eyes and smiled at me. She’s a bit disoriented which made me chuckled. 

“Hey…” 

Her eyes widened when she realised our position. She hurriedly jump out of the sofa- as if being next to me is burning her skin. 

“What the…”

I chuckled. I felt embarrassed. Damn. This is the very first time I felt this. 

“You fell asleep.” I said. I got up and bit my lower lip as I felt my arm. “Oh …” 

“I’m sorry…” she sat next to me and tried to hold my numb arm but I waived my arm as a reflex. “I’m sorry…”

I chuckled. “It’s fine babe.” 

I saw her bit her lower lip and… blushed? She lower her head and it’s making it hard for mw to see. 

I look at the wall clock and it’s already 1PM. “So, what are we gonna do today?” 

“U-Uhh, I’m going home.” She said. “My mom called me earlier.” 

“How about lunch?” I inquired. The numbness on my arm is slowly fading. “It’s past lunch time already. Do you want a delivery or just go to a restaurant?” 

She bit her lower lip. “I-It’s really fine. Mom’s probably worried.” 

I looked at her intently. She looked at me in the eye, which’s making me melt, then she looked away. 

“A lunch date won’t be bad though. Before you go home.” I said, still looking at her intently. “What time will you go home?” 

“U-Uhm, probably 4PM. I still need to go back to the dorm—“

“I actually washed you clothes yesterday. Sorry for not consulting you.” 

“H-huh?” She looked at me. 

“Your clothes. I washed it up.” I said. I looked away. Damn. “I… I’ve got shirts that you can wear. Uhmm… might be too big but, just… so you can wear something after taking a bath.” 

She looked down. Playing with her thumb. She cleared a lump on . “W-Well then…”

We both stand up and I went to my room. I felt that she followed me. I opened my cabinet and pulled out my shirt, an unused boxer shorts, towel and my extra jogging pants. 

“There’s an extra toothbrush on the bathroom. Just open the cabinet there. And u-uhhh, you can use this if… if you don’t mind.” 

I gave her the clothes and looked away. The thought of her wearing everything that I own is so damn hot. 

“T-Thanks…” she mumbled. “U-uh, you wanna take a shower first?” 

I shook my head. “You go first. I’ll… I’ll just clean first.” 

“O-Okay.” 

She went inside the shower room. I left out a heavy sigh. Those… those thoughts again. 

I shook my head. And tried my best to sing the National Anthem. I need to focus. 

“Y-Yeah. I-I should uhm… clean. Yeah, clean.” 

I went to the kitchen and clean it again. I took a vacuum and distracted myself from thinking about Sandara. In my room. Showering. Damn it. I even played a music to distract myself. 

I felt like am a teenager. With raging hormones. And it’s not good. I don’t see Sandara the same that I see my other flings. She’s beyond that. Way more. 

I heard the door to my room opened. She was drying her hair with the use of the towel that I gave her. She’s wearing my jogging pants and shirt- it’s way too big for her yet she looks so… damn it. This is not good! 

“Thanks Jiji.” She said while giggling. “It’s so refreshing to finally take a bath!” 

I smelled her. It’s my body wash. My shampoo. My scent. On her. 

I closed my eyes and started to breathe. Inhale, exhale. I’m not a teenager. This is… just easy. 

I looked away. “Nice. So, uhm, me too. I need to… yeah.” 

Goddamnit. I need a cold shower.