Chapter 25 

Change

3 days. We don’t have a class for 3 long days. And me? 3 days were pure hell. 

I kept on drinking like a lunatic. I’m always with my friends and they kept me company. Every time I ask to go bar hopping, they’re with me. They said I’m too ed up to be alone. 

“ing bull.” I mutter as I hold my head and pull my hair down. “It ing hurts.” 

Hang-over. 

Yesterday was fun. Or so I thought. We were in the club just drinking until my liver gives-up. I smoke and drink non-stop until I vomit like crazy. 

Alcohol is my partner. Alcohol let me forget about her and the pain she caused. And when I got home, because I’m too drunk, I won’t remember Sandara.

I won’t remember that she used to sleep beside me here on my bed. Whenever I go to the living room, I wont remember that we used to study there. That we shares our first kiss in the living room. Damn it. Every corner of my unit screams Sandara. 

“ing .” 

I got up and took a shower. Today, they will reveal the final rankings.  

We were asked to go to the University which is the reason why I am inside my car and driving. As much as I want to sleep, I can’t. 

Sandara…

I closed my eyes upon remembering her again. I’m so angry right now. And I don’t want to see her. Seeing her makes my mind go crazy and maybe, I’ll find myself begging. Again. 

“ing pathetic…” 

In the last 3 days I realised that yeah, I still want to talk to Sandara. I still want to hear her side. Her explanation. And yeah, it’s so pathetic. 

I can grab any girl I want and yet I’m chasing Sandara. Pathetic, right? One smile, one sorry, one hug, one kiss— and everything will be fine. I will forget everything. That’s… how much I love her and how much I wanted to be with her. 

The heck with my pride. I just want to have another shot with her. I’m so crazy. It felt like without her, I will crumble. 

“Oh, Ji!” One of our classmates greeted me. 

“Oh.” I simply replied. 

“The Dean was here earlier looking for you.” He informed me. “Damn. You must be the Rank 1. Well, there’s no question to that.” 

I just shrug. “Why’s the Dean looking for me?” 

“Dunno. But he said you have to go to his office later.” 

I just nod and sat down. We still have 10 minutes before the ‘revealing of ranking’ and I still haven’t seen Sandara. 

I sighed. I stopped myself from texting her. I don’t want to sound so clingy. As much as I wanted to hear her explanation, I also wanted to give her space. And she told me I should just wait. 

Maybe I was overreacting the last time we were together. I mean, she won’t leave me right? She just need to go home at that time. And I’m such an for stopping her from going home. 

Sandara can really bring out the bad side of me. 

Our Professor entered and I noticed Sandara is still not around. My eyebrows furrowed. Sandara isn’t the type of student who doesn’t show up- be it a minor subject or just group meeting. 

“Okay, everyone settle down. This will be quick because this is just an announcement.” Our adviser told us. “So, after computing your grades it’s safe to say ‘Congratulations’ for competing your Architecture Degree.” 

Everyone screamed with glee. But not me. I’m still wondering why she’s not here. Is it because this is just an announcing of grades? Or she doesn’t want to see me? 

Damn it. Where the heck is she? 

I grab my phone and texted here: 

To: Babe 

Where are you? You’re late. 

“Okay. Now, I will announce the honor rankings. The candidates were Kwon Jiyong and Sandara Park. Unfortunately for Miss Park, she won’t be able to hear this but let’s congratulate her for graduating as Summa Laude. And for Mister Kwon Jiyong, it’s a shame but you’ve missed a point for Summa. But still, congratulations.” 

Everyone clapped their hands and congratulated me. I don’t give a about who’s rank 1. All I ever care is Sandara. Damn it. I’m so proud of her. 

I wanted to hug her right now. I smiled at the thought. 

“Okay. You all can leave now. The Graduation practice will start next week so please do attend. You’re all dismissed.” 

Everyone’s still cheering. Who wouldn’t? After 5 years of hard work, we will kiss the University goodbye. No more exams, no more stressful nights. 

“Oh, Kwon Jiyong. The Dean wants to talk to you. Please come to her office.” 

I nod and went to the Deans Office. I’m still wondering what’s happening but I wanted to finish this in a hurry. I wanted to see Sandara. I look at my phone and still no response from her. She didn’t even look at my message. I sighed. I knocked on the door. 

“Dean…” I said. 

The Dean of College of Architecture looked up and smiled upon seeing me. “Oh, the Magna Laude. Congratulations.” 

I shook his hand. “Thank you, Sir.” 

“Have a seat.” He said motioning me to sit down. “Well, it’s a shame that you lack a point to be a candidate for Summa Laude.” 

“It’s fine, Dean. I mean, Magna is also good.” I honestly replied. “Also, Sandara deserves it. The Summa.” 

“I agree.” The Dean said, while nodding. “Speaking of Miss Park, I called you here because of her.” 

I got nervous. My heart is beating so fast. “D-Did something happen?” 

The Dean looked at me seriously. I gulped. “Well, since she won’t be able to attend the graduations for personal reason—“

“W-What?!” I shouted. I blinked and then coughed. “I-I mean, w-why Miss Park can’t attend the graduation ceremony?”

“Oh, she didn’t tell you? I thought you two were dating.” The Dean said, obviously surprised. “Well, last week during the examination period, she’s processing her documents.” 

“H-huh?” 

“She’s heading to Stanford University for Law School. I still can’t believe that she really did pursue it. I mean, when you’re still freshmen she told us about her plans and we thought it was just a wishful conversation…” 

I was dumbfounded upon hearing it. 

Stanford University… 

Law School… 

…when you’re still freshmen… 

I hurriedly went to my car and drove to her dormitory. ing bull. I am furious and my hands were shaking. I’m lucky that I didn’t got into accident because of over speeding. 

I parked my car and went inside her dormitory. Since I’m also a student, I got inside. I went to her room and knocked on the door. I don’t care if I am too loud— heck! I just want to talk to her and hear it clearly from her. 

In awhile the door opens and saw someone else— the second year who’s Sandara’s roommate. She looked at me, confused. 

“H-Hey… U-uhm, is babe… I mean, is S-Sandara here?” 

Her roommates eyebrows furrowed. Confused is written all over her face. “Oh, Sunbae? She’s not here.” 

“O-Oh. Do you know where she is right now?” 

“She already left. I mean, during exam week, her stuffs were already packed and were sent to her home.” 

I felt like a huge rock fell on my heart. It felt like the whole world stops- my whole world stops. 

“U-Uhm. T-Thank you.” 

“Oh, sunbae wait. She left something for you.” 

Her roommate went inside and got back with a letter pack on-hand. 

“Unnie said that you might be looking for her so she told me to give this to you.” 

With shaking hands, I accepted the letter pack. “T-Thank you.” 

I left the dormitory with shaking hands. So I was right all along. She will leave me. 

“! ! !” I hissed while kicking the tire of my car. 

I got in and with shaking hands open the letter pack. There was a letter and a CD. 

I furiously dialled her number but it was unavailable. I dialed and dialed and dialed again. . Still unavailable. I punched the steering wheel. It felt like my whole body is boiling. Anger. Denial. Damn it. 

I sarcastically laugh as I stare at her letter. “Babe… you’re really good at lying and pretending huh.” 

I drove my car and went to my unit. I don’t know what to do. My heart felt heavy yet I can’t cry. I covered my face with my hand as I lifelessly laugh. I was laughing when all of a sudden, tears were slowly forming in my eyes. 

I was laughing and crying at the same time. The emotions inside my heart is heartbreaking that I feel like my heart will burst any minute from now. 

I was staring at the letter. I don’t want to touch it nor open it. I don’t have the courage to read them. . 

I was silently crying when I heard my phone rang. I didn’t answer it but it keeps on ringing. As if the caller wanted me to answer the call. 

I look at the caller ID and it’s from an unknown number. The call died but it rang again. I sighed and answered it. 

“Hello?” I lazily said. 

I heard hiccups. My heart beat like I’ve run a thousand miles. “B-babe?” I muttered.

“Jiyong… I’m sorry. And I love you…” 

Then, the phone call ended. “!” 

I tried dialing it again but it was unavailable. I covered my face with my hands as I suppress my emotions. 

“Damn it!” 

In awhile, I got the courage to look open the letter. And my body is trembling when I read the letter.

Dear Jiyong, my babe…

I know you’re mad at me right now. I lied, I kept things from you. I don’t know if you’ll understand me but one thing is for sure, I love you too.

My lips trembled as I kept on reading. 

You see, I’ve been loving you from afar. Ever since freshmen. I kept on denying these feelings because I know, I’m not good enough. As for now, I’m not the right girl for you. 

My Stanford Application was planned the moment I enrolled in Archi. Because of my selfishness, things got complicated and I am now regretting I didn’t pursue my pre-law. 

But, silly me. If I pursue my pre-law, I wouldn’t know you. I wouldn’t be able to talk to you nor eat lunch with you. I wouldn’t be able to banter with you nor see your sleeping face during class. I wouldn’t be able to know you well and I wouldn’t be able to let you know me too. 

It was just a simple infatuation. I saw you during enrollment— that playful smirk that made me defy my dad. That lead me to enrolling Archi instead of PolSci. 

That damn playful smirk lead me to Archi. But don’t get me wrong— I love Archi. 

This letter… isn’t a letter of confession. This isn’t a goodbye letter. This, is my thank you letter. 

Thank you. For being so nice to me. For making me happy and feel special. I know I became selfish for wanting to be with you despite going to Stanford. And it was so selfish of me for not telling you the truth. You see, I know you so well, Ji. And as what you kept on saying— we are best friends. 

And if you learned about me going to Stanford, I know for sure, you will follow me too. And that… isn’t what I want. I want to become a ‘me’ person. 

I hate it when my name is like a shadow of your name. I want to be Sandara Park— without your name attached to it. I want to grow as Sandara Park. I want to be just… me. 

I will not allow you to wait for me. I don’t know when will I come back. 5years? 10? I don’t know. And caging you is not part of it. So, even if I love you from the bottom of my heart; even if I wanted you to be mine and mine alone, I can’t do that. 

Don’t wait for me, Ji. We are still young. It may hurt me but you might find someone interesting while I’m away. I don’t want LDR. So, even if we haven’t started anything— I am letting you go, Ji. 

I love you… and I hope, if destiny will allow us to meet again, I do hope that we are both happy and ready for what will happen to us in that future. And the selfish me wanted to have a future with you… if destiny allows it. 

Sincerely, 

Your Babe, Sandara… 

I am speechless as I finished reading the letter. It felt like half of me died yet half of me felt alive. 

Sandara… Babe… 

She… she’s been loving me for so long. I took a deep breath as I control my tears. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it! 

Why… I didn’t realised it earlier. About my feelings for her. If… If I fell inlove with her sooner, I might have a longer chance to be with her. If I fell inlove with her sooner, we could have created good memories together. And maybe, we could have faced this situation together. 

“Oh, that… I-I haven’t even had a real date with you, damn it. I haven’t dated you as my real girlfriend yet, Sandara…” I whispered. Almost begging. ! 

My tears were falling from my eyes. It may sounds gay but I am ing hurt. I regretted that I realise my feelings for her too late. If I realized my feelings for her when I was second year or third year, will things be different? 

My eyes darted on the CD. I placed it inside the  CD Player of my laptop and played it. 

“Hey… isn’t he handsome?” 

My eyes widened when I saw Sandaras’ face on the screen. She looks so young. 

“Oh, puh-lease. We all know Jiyong is handsome.” The one holding the camera— Chaerin said. 

Sandara giggled. She never giggles like this before. When we were still in Freshmen she always have that serious look. 

“Yeah. Jiyong is so handsome and perfect. Like oh my gee! I wish I could date him, Chae.” 

“In your dreams.” Chaerin commented as she laugh. 

“Yeah, in my dreams…” 

Then, another video played. This time, I’m the one on the video. It was during the Intramurals. I represented the College of Architecture. 

Sandara is screaming and jumping as she cheer for me. 

“Hey, stop! You’re crazy.” Chaerin said while laughing. 

“He’s so perfect! So handsome and intelligent!” 

Then, another video is being played— the drunk Sandara. 

“I wish, I wish I’ll be like one of his ex-girlfriend. Confident, tall, model-like. But, damn it Chae, I’m just his academic rival. But not so-academic rival because I’m the only one who wants to beat him. I’m so jealous he’s dating someone again…” Sandara sobbed. “I wish he’d date me too. Jiyong! Why… are you hurting me this way?! Date me juseyoooo!” 

“Damn it! Shhhh, Sandara. That’s ing embarrassing!” 

“This… is to my 5th year self. How are you? Are you sleeping enough? Are you eating a lot? 

I bet you’re still stealing glances to your one and only Kwon Jiyong.” She giggled. “Well, this is your 2nd year self. And still, crazy over Kwon Jiyong. To the 5th year Sandara, did you confess your feelings to him? I bet no. Stop masking your feelings and just date him! the Standford! Law School! Date him, Sandara Park!” 

I was laughing and crying at the same time. My cute little babe… 

“But knowing you, you wouldn’t tell him. I am just wishing… wishing that he will like you first. And when he says that he likes you, confess. Stop suppressing it, Sandara. Or you might make wrong calls and decisions in life that you will regret. Remember, no pain is unbearable than regrets.” 

And that was 8 years ago…

A lot of things happened. And now, I must say, I am happy. 

“Your 1PM is here, Attorney Kwon.” My secretary informed me. I just nod and continue to read the case I am holding. 

“Hon…” 

I lifted my head and saw Nana who’s standing while holding a bag. “I heard you didn’t eat lunch so I bought you some.” 

I smiled at her. “You didn’t have to…” 

Nana went closer and gave me a kiss on my cheeks. “Let’s eat. I’m famished.” 

I squeezed her cheeks. “Fine, fine. You didn’t have to set an appointment just to eat with me.” 

She giggled.

Well, 8 years have passed and things change. So many things have change…