Chapter 27 

Honeybee 

“And here I thought you’ll stop drinking.” TOP said as I drank my 6th glass of whiskey. 

We’re in a bar tonight. Like our usual Friday night. And as much as I want to be in bed or read my case, I just can’t concentrate. My mind is somewhere… or someone brought it. 

I sighed. 

“That’s your 100th sigh for tonight, Ji.”  Daesung said as he took another sip. “What’s the problem dude?” 

I shook my head. Damn it. I don’t want to tell them that the girl I was crazy about is back. That I was with her earlier and that I… my heart felt alive after 8 long years. 

“His ex came back.” Taeyang simply informed them.

I gave him a deathly look and raised my middle finger. “ you.” 

Taeyang gave me a middle finger too while laughing. “Shut up. What’s the point of hiding it when we all know what happened to you for the last couple of years.” 

I looked away. Yes, they were there when I was at my lowest. My friends and alcohol were my constant companion. The main reason why I am still sane. 

“She’s really back…” I said, tiredly. I shook my head as I smirked. “She ing changed…” 

“Well, it was 8 long years.” Taeyang said as he shook his head. 

“Damn it. And here I thought I’ll be fine.” I mumbled. “That 8 years is more than enough for me to be okay facing her again.” 

“Well, what she did to you isn’t… nice.” TOP commented. “She leads you on, dude.” 

I shook my head. “I lead her on, dude. And I was the one who kept on chasing her, I was the one who wanted her attention so damn much.” 

“She looks so innocent yet she crushed you so easily. I mean, who does that.” Daesung said. “Looks can really be deceiving.” 

I looked at them angrily. “You don’t know her. Just… stop saying those words towards her.” 

TOP shook his head with a frown. “You can’t blame us, dude. We saw you got almost crazy. It may sounds gay but we want you to be happy. And as of now, my opinion is still the same— she’s not good for you.” 

I look at TOP. He’s the oldest in our group. He acts like the youngest most of the time but now, he is hyung. The caring oldest brother. 

“I am glad you are concerned, hyung, but you can’t say that she’s not good for me.”

“Ji—“

“The blame is on me. From the start, she told me to stop pursuing her. And yet… damn.” 

“You knew that pursuing her wouldn’t be easy. Partly, it was your fault. But she leads you on.” Taeyang said with conviction. “And that’s a fact.” 

I didn’t say a word. I just gulped another shot of whiskey. My throat hurts. 

“Do you still love her?” Daesung carefully asked. Among the 3 of them, Daesung is somehow the ‘nice and calm’ guy. 

I didn’t respond. And even if I don’t respond, they surely knew the answer. They were my best friends, they know me so well. Even the way my lips twitch, they know what it means. 

“I am not over her.” I confessed. “Maybe I… I still love her. No, I still love her. But…” 

TOP tapped my shoulder. “Dude, there’s no room for ‘but’ if you really lover her.” 

“She lied to me…” I mumbled. “. It’s been 8 years but it felt like yesterday. I felt used. I was always there for her, I treat her well. I… I even gave up my Latin Honors for her. I did everything. But damn it. She still left me. And she make me feel like a fool. She… just easily gave up on us.”  

“Don’t forget that she had no choice…” Daesung said. “She’s not an adult yet, Ji. She’s just like you— her parents has a say to her life 8 years ago because she has no money, no name. Do you think that if she had a choice, would she leave you? You know her so well, you should know she didn’t had a choice.” 

“But she had the control of the situation, dude.” Taeyang replied when I didn’t say a word. “She had the choice and the chance to tell him about the Stanford.” 

“I… I don’t think I can trust her again.” I said tiredly. “It still hurts every time I remember it. It hurts that it felt like it was yesterday. And even if I still love her, I don’t think I can love a person whom I don’t trust.” 

“Then, don’t.” TOP said with conviction. “Dude, even if you still love her, you have all the rights not to trust her again. Trust is earned. You gave her all the chance to tell you the truth but she didn’t. Instead, she kept you in the dark so yes, it’s okay not to trust her again.” 

Well, it’s the sad reality. 

I still love Sandara. 

But I’m afraid of her. More like, I am afraid that she will hurt me again. And I am afraid that if she hurst me this time, I might go insane. 

I got rejected so many times that it wasn’t just my pride and ego that got bruised and stomped. It was my heart. 

Damn it. Everytime I talk about Sandara, I became soft and fragile. I ing love her, so damn much, to the point I hoped that I got her pregnant so she will come back to me. Yes, ed up, but I just want her. 

“Damn it. Do I need another 8 years just to forget her?” I mumbled. 

Daesung sighed. “If it’s been 8years and still, she has a place in your heart, then you’re ed up my friend. It seems so impossible to unlove her.” 

This is so messed up. Everything is ing messed up. 

AFTER PAYING the driver that I asked to drive my car, I got out and entered the elevator. 

I don’t understand why I found myself in my old condo unit. Although I bought a new house, this unit is still under my name. Once a month, I asked a clean lady to clean my unit. 

“I shouldn’t have drank that much…” I mumbled as I sat down on my sofa. 

The unit… I didn’t change anything. From the position of the furniture down to the color of the curtains. 

At first I’ve decided to change everything so I can forget about her. But I changed my mind. This place is so special to me that I just want to preserve them. The memories I had in this unit is precious. 

I went out to the balcony because I feel like memories of the past suffocates me. “I need to smoke…”

I tap my coat and got my cigarettes. I put them in between my lips and got my lighter to lit the cigarette. 

Cigarettes helps me get over about memories I want to forget yet I want to preserve. Those memories suffocates me yet warms my heart. It’s crazy how contradicting it is. 

I was busy puffing my cigarette when I heard a gasp from my side. I look to my right and there I saw an image I’ve never imagine I will see at the moment. 

I kept on puffing my cigarette and kept on staring at the image infront of me. Maybe because of too much alcohol I am hallucinating. Because right now I am seeing Sandara wearing a very thin lacey dress. 

I blew a gray smoke again. Still looking intently to the image infront of him. 

How many times did this happened to him? Him imagining that Sandara is right infront of him? 

Him imagining that she’s back? That she didn’t left him behind? 

Him imagining her smiling at him? 

Damn it. 

“J-Jiyong?” 

I gasped upon hearing that voice. My eyes widened upon seeing clearly her face— Sandara is facing me with a confused expression. 

My cigarette dropped but I eventually picked it up. I extinguished my cigarette and put it on the ashtray. I manage to put back my poker face despite having heart attack right now. Shocked is an understatement to what I really feel behind my poker face. 

“Hey…” I muster my courage to greet her. 

“Hey…” Sandara replied. “W-Why are you here?” 

“Oh, this is my condo.” Did she forgot this place already? I shook my head and smiled. This might not be so important to her that she already forgot. How… could Sandara be so innocently cruel to him? 

“Remember. The place we used to hangout.” 

Sandara remained silent. I can’t read her face. 

“I didn’t knew you’ll be a lawyer.” She said randomly after the long awkward silence.

“It just happened.” I said. “Stanford huh. You’re really the academic monster that I knew.” I commented, sarcastically. 

“Academic monster…” Sandara mumbled. 

“Well, it’s good that you’re back.” 

“I have to. Mom and Dad were complaining already.” 

I just nod. I don’t want to say anything. It felt like talking to her again, seeing her again, it’s like opening the wounds that wasn’t healed. It stings, it creeps inside of me. It… hurts. Like a . 

“The law firm needs new talent.” I simply said. “You are smart and brilliant. The lawfirm needs someone like you.” 

I shook my head as I wet my lip using my tongue. 

Really, Ji? The Lawfirm needs her… Yeah, just the Lawfirm.

“I’m not brilliant.” Sandara said as she look at me. “When I got there, I realized that I am not that brilliant. Yes, I study a lot and I give my 100% best in what I do but reality is really something. I’m… just a normal Asian Law Student there. And there were more brilliant people there. I fail in recits and in exams and got scolded at times for not focusing and not reading the materials.” 

I looked at her, shocked. “You? Failed?” Those two words cannot be the word to describe her! I mean, she doesn’t fail! Sandara is the most focused person when it comes to studying. 

She chuckled. “Believe me, I’m also shocked when I got my first failed grade.” 

I smile at her. But then, my smile faded. 

Why does it feel like we become… close again?We were talking as if we were good old friends catching up. Friends… I don’t like that. I honestly want more than that. Damn it. 

We both got silent. I lit another stick of cigarette out of nowhere. To evade the emotions that I am feeling right now. 

“Didn’t knew you’re into smoking.” She commented. 

“Well, I got into smoking when you…” I can’t even say it. “Uhm, if you don’t mind, why are you here? I mean, you live next to my unit.” Yes, evade it, Ji. 

She looked away. I took another puff. “Well, I want to be close to yo—“

Her words were interrupted when my phone rang. I saw the caller was Nana. I sighed. 

“Yes, hon?” I answered. 

“Honeybee, I want to eat pancakes.” Nana said while grunting. 

I laugh. I put my cigarette in between my fingers and laugh. “Pancakes? At this hour?” 

I can imagine her pouting face. Cute. “Yes. I’m craving, I mean, the baby is craving. Can you buy it for me? Please? Please? Pretty, please?”

Out of nowhere my eyes darted on Sandara who’s looking at me. Shes wearing a blank expression. But her eyes… speaks something. 

“Fine, fine. I’ll go there now. What else do you want?” 

“Pistachio Ice Cream!” Nana giggled. “And peanut butter!” 

“Okay. I’ll be there maybe after 30-45 minutes.  Can our honeybee wait?” 

Sandara is still looking at me while I talk to Nana and somehow, her eyes glistened. What the… 

“Yes. Honeybee can wait.” 

“Fine. Just wait, okay? Bye.” 

“Bye!” 

I ended the phone call. 

Sandara gave me a sad smile. My heart throbbed. Why is she smiling like that? Why is she confusing me again? I know I still have lingering feelings for her but I am doing my best to suppress them. 

“I have to go.” I said after I blew a smoke. 

She nod. “C-Congratulations.” 

I was confused with her words but I left after I nod at her. Damn it. 

She’s still there… occupying a tiny yet deep space inside my heart. And as much as I want to forget about her, it seems impossible since she’ll be working with me from now on. 

I sighed as I sat in my car. “Forget about her? After 8 years and she’s still a part of me. Forgetting her means hell must be freezing.” 

“IS OUR HONEYBEE satisfied with the pancake and ice cream?” I asked as I look at Nana who’s eating the pancake enthusiastically. 

Nana giggled like a child. “1000% satisfied.” 

I pat her head and smile at her. “Good.” 

“Where were you earlier?” She asked me as she took a bite of her pancake. 

“I was in my condo.” I replied. I cringed when I saw she put another batch of syrup on her pancake. “Hey, slowdown with that syrup.” 

“I kinda want it sweet.” She pouted. 

“Too much sweet is bad for pregnant women. You’ll be getting diabetes at this point!” 

She laugh at me. Lightly punched my shoulder. “It’s not like I will be eating syrup everyday!” 

“Fine. But that’s it. No more syrupy stuffs for this week.” 

“Yes, sir!” Nana even gave me a salute. 

I patted her head. Nana… is really a breathe of fresh air in my life. That’s why I really like her around. Not to mention she will give us an additional family member. 

“Oh, right. Why were you in your condo?” 

I sighed. “I was with my friends. And it was near the bar we had our drinks.” 

She throw some table napkins at me. “And you drive. That’s dangerous!” 

I laughed. “I’m not drunk. And I am here, safe and sound.”

“You know it’s not like that.” She gave me a sad look. 

“Sorry. I promise I won’t do it again. I’m not… suicidal anymore.” I replied. “But… she was there.” 

Nana’s eyebrows furrowed as she scoop an ice cream. “Who?” 

“Sandara…” Her name taste bittersweet. “And she lives next door.” 

Her eye widened and her nose were flaring. I laugh at her comical expression. “No ?! Sandara sunbae?!” 

I nod. “Imagine how shocked I was. I’m just silently puffing a cigarette on my veranda when I saw her. I thought I am imagining things like the usual.” 

Nana held my hand and smile at me. “Honeybee, you can be honest with me.” 

“It… still hurts.” 

“I know. I can see it.” 

I sighed. I looked away as I know my eyes screams emotions that shouldn’t be felt and be seen by other people. Because it may sounds crazy, but I was still there— buried deep with the memories I had with her 8 years ago. 

I don’t know why the heck I can’t move on. No matter what I do, no matter how many girls I try to date, I just can’t forget her. We didn’t even dated. We just… what are we again? 

We held hands. 

We kiss. 

We hug. 

I cared for her. 

I adore her so much. 

And I love her. I love Sandara. I loved her and I love her still. She was my first and I dare say, my great love. 

Funny how I dated so many girls, kissed so many girls, bedded so many girls— yet I gave my heart to the serious academic monster classmate in College. 

To some, maybe what we had isn’t something special and just a fancy college romance. We started to get close when we were 3rd year. I started to realise I like her on our 5th year. It must be like a ‘whirlwind romance’ because of how fast I fell for her… or maybe I was just too pre-occupied to things before that I was late to realise my feelings for her. 

I fell for her— she might have love me first but I fell fast, hard and too deep. Too deep that I was stuck… and most probably will be stuck for a longer time. 

We both know that we love each other 8 ing years ago, but… we didn’t happen. We were in a situation where we should be honest with each other yet I was the only one who’s being honest. We were in a situation where honesty and trust is vital yet she choose not to give them— she choose not to give ‘us’ a shot. 

And that’s what hurts him the most— Sandara didn’t gave him a chance to prove to her that ‘we’ can happen. That despite the distance, I can still wait for her here. That despite my image of a ‘playboy’ I can be a goodboy and patiently wait for her— that I can support her in achieving the things she wants to accomplish. She… gave our relationship a verdict without even considering me and my feelings. 

“Why not give it a try?” Nana said. “I think what the both of you needed is closure, Ji.” 

I shook my head while I sarcastically laugh. “You know it’s not gonna happen.” 

“Try talking to her. Ask for closure. So you can forget about her—“

“— I already forgot her—“

Nana chuckled. “If it’s true, then why all of her photos in your IG is still there? Why all of her things still in your condo? You didn’t even change the interior of the unit, Ji. You… even bought a house that looks like the design of her dream house! Ji, you… you’re still there. Stuck. Unable to move forward.” 

I sighed. “It’s just…” I am out of words. I sigh again. “You know what happened to us, Nana. And seeing her again opened all those unwanted feelings. I don’t know but I want to runaway from her yet I want to be with her. I don’t want to see her because it still hurts yet I miss her.”

“And that is fine.” 

“I don’t want to see her again. Yet, the moment I saw her, I felt so alive. Again.” 

“Do you still love her?” 

My mouth opened, trying to mutter a word, but I closed it again. “I don’t want to talk about it, Nana.” 

Nana gave me a faint smile. “I suggest you two talk. So you can move forward. Or fix—“

“I’m home!” 

Our conversation were cut the moment I heard a voice coming from the door. I saw Nanas eyes widened and saw how her eyes beam. 

“Love!” She shouted and run towards the door. 

There he is, my cousin and Nana’s fiancé, Masaki. He was laughing as he catch Nana as she gave him a bear hug. 

“Careful!” I shouted. I tsk-ed while laughing. 

Nana giggled. She gave Masaki kisses all over his face. “I missed you so so so so much! Like 500000 times!” 

Masaki laugh at his fiancés antics. “How was honeybee?”

Honeybee, their nickname for their baby. 

Nana touched her tummy and giggled. “She’s been craving for pancakes.” 

I smiled at the scene.