I wanna be pretty

If people ask me what Jiyong means to me, I would not say that he is everything, but he is the one that makes me have everything I have today. My friends, my mother, him, and the most important thing; myself.

Kwon Jiyong.

His name rolls off my tongue easily like it’s a mantra that I should recite every single day. But it could be said like that actually, because since the first day I met him, there is no day gone by without my mind calling for his name, without my lips uttered for him, and my heart beats fast as he appears in my mind.

Kwon Jiyong is not everything to me, but he is the reason for me to keep going, to keep smiling, and to keep being myself. I don’t want to wonder what would happen if he didn’t bump into me that day and not ‘adopt’ me as his puppy. Maybe I’m not going to be standing here today, maybe I’m still the ugly, useless Sandara Park.

“What are you thinking about?”

His husky and velvety voice stops me from my pondering. I look up to see him who is standing in front of me with a cup of bubble tea that I have been wanted to try because people keep talking about it and saying how good it tastes. Just by looking at it, I know it would give me diabetes if I drink it every day.

I only shake my head, not wanting to let him know that I actually was thinking about him. I know he won’t say anything if he knew, but part of me knows that I’d turn into a tomato if I come honest. It is still awkward to admit him as my boyfriend because I have never been in this kind of relationship before, not even in my wildest dream, but I have never found Jiyong to be embarrassed when students in our school asked him if I am really his girlfriend.

“Yes, she is. Now dispersed before I chuck you all into the dust bin.”

He answers without hesitating, and he is still too grumpy when people ask him about it because it annoys him.

Jiyong sits next to me, not even trying to push me to give an honest answer. He doesn’t pry, and that’s what makes me feel safe when I’m with him. I watch as he drinks the cola from the bottle before turning back to stare at the bubble tea in my hands.

The bubble tea tastes really sweet, just like Jiyong.

If I say that to people, I believe nobody will trust me. Jiyong being sweet is preposterous. But they don’t know Jiyong, the real Jiyong. That is why we should not judge a book by its cover. Believe me, Jiyong could be the sweetest person, but he chooses not to show it.

“I’m worried.” I begin to talk as I hand him the bubble tea to let him have a taste. He stares at it for a while, before he leans and sips it through the straw.

“For?” he mumbled, as his lips still on the straw while his eyes looked up to me, piercing right through my soul. That stare still gives me a shiver although I have known him for quite a long time. He hands me back the drink.

“For the laser treatment,” I bit my lip, feeling anxious just by thinking about it. “I’m afraid too if people thought I make a plastic surgery. But is it like that? It would hurt, though.” I imagine my cheek being cut into two, and blood gushing out of my skin. That would be scary.

To my surprise, he takes back the bubble tea from my hands and keeps sipping the sweet drink. I thought he doesn’t like sweet things. I mean, bad boys like him don’t, right? Or I’m wrong? Or is it just the mentality of people?

“Idiot.” I hear him say. “It’s a laser treatment, not a surgery. The doctor won’t cut your skin and it’s not going to be hurt.” He says, eyes staring at the lake in front of us. “At least that’s what I read on the internet,” he mumbles slowly under his breath.

I bit my lower lip, trying not to grin at the fact that he searched on the internet about the treatment. My treatment is going to be two weeks from now. I am excited and scared at the same time. The doctor said that that the longer someone has had the stain, the harder it might be to successfully treat it. This means that after the treatment, my birthmark may not go away entirely, but there is also some birthmark that disappears completely after it, depending on the luck.

I don’t mind either of them. Since I know Jiyong and our friends, I have learned not to be insecure and accept myself. It was a hard process. There was a lot of self-battle, mental breakdown, and cries. But just knowing there is someone I can rely too upon, I tried my best.

And it’s worth it. I got myself.

I got Sandara Park.

This treatment is paid for by my mother and Jiyong’s dad, Uncle Jihoon (he told me to call him that). My mother and I refused at first, but he insisted. I also tried to ask Dami to cut some of my monthly payments for the bill, but the Kwon family said no.

While Jiyong only smirked when I voice it out to him.

“You don’t have to pay back, dear,” I remember Dami said. “Just always be kind to my brother. He needs that.”

I’m not sure if I really understand what she was talking about, but I nodded, feeling grateful for their good deeds. Uncle Jihoon also offered my mother to work as the cook at the restaurant which my mother refused kindly. I know that even my mother doesn’t want to feel indebted to the family. Paying half for my treatment is more than enough.

“Will you ever sing in front of me again?”

What?

“The first time I hear your voice was when you were singing with my guitar in your hands.” There is a small smile playing on his lips, eyes still at the lake. I wonder if this considers as a date. Jiyong never said ‘let’s have a date to me when he wants to go out, but instead suddenly appears in front of my gate, telling me to get ready.

I seriously want to hit his face whenever he did that.

To be honest, I love singing, but in reality, no one really appreciates your talent unless you are good-looking. I’m not lying. You can see how many artists out there is just pretty in the face but don’t really have talents. There was a time when I went for an audition during middle school for a club. I didn’t even sing yet, but the club already told me I was out. I had no idea why I sang during that time in the old music room. The worst is Jiyong heard me.

“I can almost see the gear in your head spinning. You have no idea that your voice is good right?” he smirks, shaking his head.

Our greatest battles are those with our own minds. It’s scary how I had no confidence in myself when in fact, I should be the one to encourage myself to strike forward. But Jiyong is there, giving me something that I cannot give to my own self.; motivation and reassurance.

I ignore every envy that started to pull me down as I sing a song for him. My eyes are glued to the boy in front of me. At this time, I don’t care anymore if my voice sounds like sneezing chicken, because I know that Jiyong would not judge me in a bad way. He will never. I know he appreciates every part of me.

He leans back to the bench we are sitting on after I finish singing, closing his eyes and slowly taking a breath. My bubble tea is still in his hand while his coke is now in mine. “Ah, why everything about you is so ing attractive?”

I blush at his question. I don’t think I can give an answer to that. I’m not that attractive compared to other girls. I’m still a timid girl. Even looking like this, he still chooses me. He suddenly opens his eyes and stares at me. It is too much for my heart that I end up stuttering to ask.

“W-what are you lo-looking at?” He used to scold me a lot whenever I stutter.

“My treasure.”

“Wh-where?” Why do I sound so dumb right now?

“Look into my eyes and guess what I’m looking now.”

It takes a while before I understand what he exactly means. I blush even harder, quickly look down to the ground. I hear his small chuckle, but I cannot lift my head to look at him. He could be a tease sometimes. Trying to be bold, I shift closer to him, looking to his shoulder to avoid his eyes before I plant my face to his shoulder. My head is spinning because of how embarrassed I am, but I always wanted to do this. To feel his warmth and to know his scent.

He smells like mint. And masculine. I don't know how to say it.

“You annoying puppy.” Jiyong mocks. I can feel his body shaking with laughter. It’s surprising how Jiyong could make me like this. The real me is so clingy and a cry baby. I was like that when my dad was still around. He used to pamper me a lot and I really like to be l