“And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, again! From the top, you guys! Bigger moves!” Trainer Hyun Soo was holding a special dance class for some of the new trainees today. I was here among other trainees, boys and girls too. However, they were all younger than me, so I felt pretty out of place, but they all said their polite hellos, knowing who I was. “Ta ta, ta ta ta! And spin, down, body rooooll and hit, pah! Again! Just that part, some of you aren’t getting it! These moves are simple, again!” T. Hyun Soo was scary when he danced. His attitude, as well as his comments. Where did the nice trainer go??? We’ve been dancing non-stop for two straight hours. Am I the only one feeling horrible? My mouth is so dry… Water, water…

            “Oh, she’s moving!” Did I pass out again?

            “Unnie!”

            “Noona? Are you okay? Give her some water or something, omo omo,”

            “Move, move!”

            “Is it because she’s the oldest here?”

            “Maybe she’s just not used to this kind of life…”

            “Yah… how can you say that,”

            “Shouldn’t we have called the hospital, Hyun Soo Trainer?”

            “Aniya, she’ll be okay, just get her water and give her a break, get up everyone else! Since she’s coming to, practice again! Remember what I told you. You will all be doing this individually for evaluation later, so do it right if you don’t want to be embarrassed,”

What??? And I’m here? Laying down?? I can barely move again…

            “Neh!!!” all the trainees in the room replied.

            “Noona, I’m gonna put a bottle of water right here, by your arm,”

            “Unnie, we’ll start practicing again,” some trainees whispered.

            “She passed out earlier so, she might not be in good condition right now for this evaluation,” T. Hyun Soo whispered but there was a microphone right in front of him, letting the whole room know. The trainers were seated on a panel just in front of the seats where the trainees were sitting.

            “Aniyo, I can do it,” I cleared my throat. Then I heard a loud scoff. Knowing who it came from, I looked at her straight in the eye.

            “Can you really? You keep passing out… maybe this isn’t the path for you, why are you here anyways if you can’t work as hard as everybody else?” Ye Jin Trainer asked. Have you ever called of a condition called hypoglycemia or whatever it is I have, you arrogant woman?

            “I’ll work as hard as everyone else,” I said and nodded. She let out another scoff and signalled for the music to start. Then, I danced. I made a few mistakes, forgetting a few steps and missing a few beats. I looked over to the other trainees, expecting eye rolls and smirks, but I saw most of them clasping their hands together, nervous and hoping for a good result. This was when I realized, that I wasn’t in this alone. I wasn’t suffering alone, I wasn’t being hungry alone, I wasn’t thirsty alone, I wasn’t sweating alone, I wasn’t being punished alone for eating, I wasn’t being punished alone for resting. All this time, I was being lonely alone, trying to take everything in by myself. Even though Key, Kris, and the members were there, it felt like I was doing everything by myself, trying to be okay by myself to not worry them, to not hear ‘is this what you should be doing?’ from them. I wanted to show I could do it to not hear ‘you can’t do well in that field’ from my family. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, I didn’t want to disappoint my Aunt, I didn’t want to disappoint myself. At this moment, I asked myself who I was doing this for. Was it for Key? Or for myself? Who was I kidding? I want this dream. This is my dream.

            “See? Thank you for showing everyone else what they shouldn’t do,” T. Ye Jin said after I ended my turn. I bowed and thanked them. When I sat back on my seat and watched everyone else take their turns, I couldn’t help but let tears out of my eyes. I kept thinking about what everyone else was going through. How hard their path is, how hard they worked to get here, what they gave up to get here…

            “Excuse me? Can I say something?” I called out after evaluation has finished.

            “Omo, what is it now? Are you finally quitting?” T. Ye Jin said, feigning shock. One of the trainers shook his head at this comment and grabbed a microphone.

            “Go ahead, Ellie trainee,” he looked at my nametag and gestured for me to speak.

            “Uh…” I should’ve probably thought about what I was going to say. “I just wanna say that I’m here to work as hard as everybody else. That my… personal relationships aren’t related to why I’m here. Sure, that’s how the company even acknowledged me, but I want to let you know that, I too, have a dream along with everyone else here. That I have something to show too and that I’ll be working hard in doing so, that I hoped to be treated fairly too in this process…” I didn’t wait for reply, instead I gave a ninety-degree bow and sat back in my seat. Trainer Ye Jin knew better than to talk about the ‘blackmail’ issue we talked about during my second week as a trainee.

            “You passed out again?” Kris said, as she munched on potato chips in front of me. I just nodded, not wanting to tell her about my condition. “Are you okay? You need to rest and eat, you stubborn girl,” she added with full of crumbled chips, texting away on her phone.

            “Yeah yeah, I’ll pass next month’s weight evaluation first,” I sighed.

            “You already passed the previous one! You lost five kg for that! What more do they want?” she yelled and a few pieces of chips fell out of .

            “Weight evaluation will be every month now, I need to lose another five and…maintain that, I guess,” I shrugged, not wanting to show my frustration. “Anyways, have you talked to Onew Oppa?” I asked.

            “Oh yeah! The concert was really great apparently, it lasted for a while, I think everybody cried, including Minho and Taemin Oppa who like, never show any emotion,” she said, like it was the most absurd thing ever.

            “Oh my gosh… that must’ve been a sad concert…” I stretched my legs out on the couch. “I only saw clips from Instagram after practice, I haven’t talked to Kibum yet,” I said and switched television channels.

            “Well, you better do that soon becau-“

Dirori…

Dirori…

Dirori…

Krrrrrriiiiiing

            “Where’s my phone? Those texts are all from Key, is he okay? Omo,” I stood up and quickly grabbed the phone which was just on my kitchen counter. The dogs started barking the minute my phone rang. “Aigoo, did you guys know it was from your Appa?” I picked up the call and walked to the bedroom, leaving Kris in the living room.

            “Helloooo?” I said with a lively voice.

            “Don’t helloooo me! Are you okay???” Kibum was speaking in a panicked voice. Oh. That Kris is quick with her thumbs and her texting!

            “Yeah, I’m fine, it was nothing,” I let out a huge sigh.

            “It’s not nothing, you know you have that condition, you need to be eating too, I don’t care about the weight evaluation or whatever, we’ll talk to the Director,” his tone of voice was rising.

            “No, we can’t do that. I can’t just go to the CEO if there’s any problems with training just because you’re SHINee’s Key. I have to be training fairly, I don’t wanna get by because of connections. You know my values, Kibum,” I sighed again and let my head sink into my pillow.  

            “Baby I know, but you’re sick,” he replied with a much calmer voice.

            “I know, but I’ll just have to get better,” I said cheerfully.

            “How do I win arguments with you, aiyoo…” he gave in, sighing heavily too.

            “Go get some sleep, make sure to eat and to drink lots of water okay?”

            “I should be saying those things to you,” he said, trying not to sound frustrated.

            “You do say those things and I thank you for that, okay? But please rest, you’re the one who had a long concert, see you soon,” I smiled at the fact that he was coming home tomorrow night.

            “Mmm, okay, see you soon,” he said with a quiet voice. It was obvious that he got out of bed to call me.

            “Mmm,” and I hung up.

            “Kriiiiiiiiis!” I called out and walked towards the living room and she looked at me with innocent eyes. “You told him? I wasn’t planning on telling him!” I threw a pillow at her and her bag of chips fell down.

            “Well! If Jinki passed out, I’d want to know! If Key Oppa passed out, wouldn’t you want to know?” she asked, putting the pillow back on the couch. I shook my head and sighed, because she was right. I had realized that I didn’t talk to Key about the concert so I sent him a text saying,

            “You worked hard at the concert honeeeey, good night”

I sent this with a heart emoji, just to win some points.

            “Student, you need to spend more time studying,” my Political Science Professor said to me as I approached her about my exam grades.

            “Neh… It’s just hard with the language barriers, Teacher,” I bowed slightly.

            “Yes, but you passed the language entrance exam, so you should be able to work hard for this,” she said, crossing her arms. I bowed again and sulked my way out of her office.

            “Ellie-ah!” Kibum? “Ellie! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” I watched Kim Kibum run towards me. There weren’t a lot of people in the hallway but there were still a lot of students who watched us. He gave me a hug and I hugged him back.         

            “Omo omo, you’re not supposed to be back until tonight?” I backed up and looked at him.

            “Honey, it’s night already. Do you realize it’s almost eleven?”

            “What?!” I looked at my phone to check the time. “Oh no… I’m so sorry, I was here all day and I stayed at the library after classes ended… And, look at this!” I help up my exam with a big fat ‘F’ on it.

            “Omo, you failed an exam? Are you okay?” he asked, grabbing the exam and looked through it. I started to walk, with my arms crossed. He walked beside me but grabbed my hand. I didn’t resist and we walked hand-in-hand.

            “Oooooooooooo campus couple,” one guy passed us and muttered to himself.

            “Neh! We’re a campus couple,” Kibum replied.

            “Yah, oh my gosh,” I looked at him and laughed.

            “Wae? I can do that now, so I will,” he then put an arm around my shoulder. “Let's go fast, I have stuff for you in the van!” he made us jog until we reached the exit.

            “What stuff?” I asked, hopping inside the company van.

            “Ooooo, welcome Ellie-ah!” Minho clapped his hands when I sat in the front seat.

            “Oh, you guys are all here? Why didn’t you go home???” I turned around, to find the members, Taemin and Jonghyun asleep and Minho, Onew, and of course, Key, awake.

            “He wanted to come straight here. We also wanted to applaud you for your surprise event for Key-goon here, aiyooooooo,” Onew clapped his hands and nodded. Kibum looked down and covered his face.

            “Omo… You know I got in trouble after that? There were so many people who chased me,” I explained.

            “See, I told you, you shouldn’t have run up to her, pabo pabo,” Minho smacked the back of Key’s head.

            “Aish! It was… in the heat of the moment okay? In dramas, if that happened, you’d see the guy do exactly what I did,” we all shook our heads and sighed.

            “Hyung, could you input Ellie’s address, I’ll pick up my car,” Kibum leaned over and said to their Manager.

            “Oh, I drove your car today… I actually wanted to go to the airport after school to see you arrive, but…I lost track of time,” I said.

            “Oh really? Okay, good! I have stuff to give you!” Kibum got out of the van and opened the door for me.

            “There’s more???” I asked, shocked at how much I was already holding and he was about to give more.

            “Of cooouuurse, you have to be all up on sugar because of that condition. You’re low on sugar so you need all of these, but eat moderately! We don’t want your teeth rotting or getting diabetes or something, okay?” There he went, nagging again.

            “Neh neh,” I bowed as a joke. “But there’s really so much! All these candies and chocolates… Omo,” I looked at all the candies I was hugging. “Where did you even find the time when your schedule was so tight…” I shook my head.

            “At the airport!” he said cheerfully.

            “Ah… okay okay, you know what, I’ll drive you home, you must be really tired,” I handed him back the stuff and he packed it neatly into a bag.

            “Okay my lovely girlfriend, leggo!” he said and placed the bag by his feet.

            “Aiyooooo, why do you have so much energy after two tiring days,” I shook my head and chuckled.

            “What more could I want? I have the best girlfriend I come home to after tiring times, the best members, my dream job, the best friends… what more could I want?” he sighed a happy sigh.

            “Oh my... okay,” I nodded, smiling. “Dorm or your house?” I turned to him as we reached a point in the road where I had to turn different ways to get to different destinations.

            “My house pleeeease, I miss my bed,” he leaned back and yawned. I grabbed his hand as he napped. Aigoo, how do I tell this man i’m sick? I looked at his face as he slept and I wanted to hear him tell me that it will be okay. I wanted to hear him say that I was going to be fine. A tear escaped my eye and I sniffled quietly so that I wouldn’t wake him. Happy thoughts, Ellie. Happy thoughts.