I tried closing the door on this guy in front of me, because first, this wasn’t how I wanted to look like when I faced him again. I was wearing zero makeup, I was sitting on the bathroom floor, with throw-up in the toilet, with my hair all over the place, and second, a huge part of me was angry at him.

He prevented it from closing and bent his knees to look at me. He probably noticed I was crying because he automatically used the towel I was holding and wiped my face with it. He then flushed the toilet and wet the towel he used to wipe my tears and used it to wipe my face. He then pulled my sleeves up and dabbed the wet towel on my right arm, then did it to my left arm. I let him do this because I didn’t have the energy to stop him and well, it felt good to be taken care of.

He didn’t meet my gaze and stayed quiet. He did everything with a blank face and I had no idea had to react. We both didn’t say anything. He washed the towel again and handed it to me. He left the bathroom with a stern look on his face and left me sitting there. I crawled to the door to take a peek at what he was doing and there he was, quietly opening up the food and browsed the cabinets for bowls, plates and utensils and prepared the food.

            Why was he doing this? He’s just confusing me more and more. What does he want? I’m good now, he can go, I can take care of myself. I want to be angry at him, I want to get mad, but I can’t do that with him taking care of me. Why was he acting like nothing has happened in the long, long months we haven’t said a word to each other?

He started to walk back to me with a glass of water and I did my best to try and get up, but he rushed towards me and helped me do that. I rinsed my mouth first and he handed me the glass of water, but I didn’t grab it and walked past him towards the kitchen to eat the food Onew had bought. I started drinking the soup and he stood in front of me and watched me. This felt uncomfortable so I stood up and pushed him towards the door, but he wouldn’t budge.

            “Eat,” he said seriously.

            “Why are you here? I don’t need you here,” I said, not able to hold my tongue. He turned around to face me and grabbed my shoulders.

            “Eat,” he said angrily.

            “Why are you angry?” I said, well…I yelled. He stepped back and furrowed his brows.

            “I’m not angry,” he said quietly.

            “I want you to go,” I said and started to push him again, but he held me back. But I kept trying anyways, struggling to do so. “Go..Go...I want you to go..I.don’t.want.you...here,” I said and before I could stop myself, I started crying.

Why now???!

I was frustrated so I stopped trying and went over to the couch to just sit and he followed, sitting on the floor in front of me while I sat on the couch wiping my tears away.

            “I’m sorry Ellie-ah,” was all he said, but this made me cry more and more...and some more. He knew not to do anything so he stayed quiet and let me cry.

            “Why?” I said in between my heaving. He knew what I was saying ‘why’ to, but he opened his mouth and nothing came out.

            “Did you get tired of our friendship? And this? Were you just so busy? What is it?” I said with built up frustration in my voice and gathered myself. He looked at me with hurt eyes.

            “I’m so sorry you thought those things,” he looked down and shook his head.

            “Answer my question,” I said through my teeth. He sat up straight, feeling my anger.

            “I just- I, uh-” I cut him because I had a lot to say.

            “You know what you did to me? You left me thinking that you were just so, so, so, busy that you couldn’t even send one message, so I waited patiently. I even think I was waiting till now for you to message even though I knew it wasn’t going to happen...What hurts is that I tried everything, I mean, everything to get my mind off of it, but I really thought we were really... good friends..but I guess I didn’t mean that much to you..” he let me finish talking, but I cried again as I spoke.

            “You called me..” he said slowly. I looked at him, confused. “You called me that night,” he started. “That night when you went to the club or whatever, I guessed you had a lot to drink because I could barely understand you and you mixed Korean and English, I was confused but I was glad you called because I was worried about you at the club and sleazy people, and your red lipstick and you, all dressed up…” he mumbled the last part then continued. “I was in the waiting room with the members, waiting to perform and you kept saying, you hated me. That I was making you feel different, I had no idea what you meant, but you said that a big part of you wished that we never became friends because it confused you and it made you tired...” he said and looked at me to see if I had anything to say, but I was at a loss for words... So he added, “you said you didn’t know what this was and hated me…”

I guess a big part of me always wondered what he and I were, were we friends? Were we more? Was is that big of a worry for me that I called him drunk to tell him that I hated him? Did I hate him? I was so confused that I had no idea how I felt about him.

“You weren’t alone, I had no idea either...I didn’t know what this was, a big part of me was confused but I enjoyed your company…” he trailed off but seemed like he had more to say.

“I’m sorry I called you and said I hated you,” I said and touched his cheek. He looked at me, apologetically.

“I should have said how I felt instead of, well, in your words ‘leading you on’..” he mumbled.

“What?” I stood up and hit my head, which didn’t help lessen my dizziness. I told him that he was leading me on???? I didn’t even know if I felt that way towards him! Did I? Was I that hurt because I had feelings for him? I just thought he was a really good friend?

“I said that?” I said and shuffled to the kitchen, wanting to end this conversation right away.

“Yeah, you also sa-”

“Nope! I don’t wanna hear it. Um, I forgive you,” I waved him off and sat down to eat.

“What? You can’t just forgive me right away, you deserve more, you should punish me, you should get angry and hit me, you should know what I think we were you have the right to that and I thought we-” he started but I didn’t want to hear it. I wasn’t ready to hear it and I didn’t want him to say it just because..because… I had no idea what I wanted.

“Stop, okay? I forgive you, i’m still, well, pretty angry, but I forgive you, it was my fault too, I don’t hate you, I really don’t..In fact, it’s probably the exact opposite of hating you,” I paused and realized what I had just said. “Uh, like, what I mean is that, I don’t hate you and the opposite of hating you is, uh that. Just not hating you,” I said, all confused and he turned the spinning bar stool I was sitting on towards him.

“I got it, it’s okay,” he chuckled and ruffled my hair. “I don’t hate you either,” he said and

put his hands in his pocket. I simply nodded and turned back to my food. “Why are you just sitting down in the dark with just Christmas lights anyways?” he looked around.

            “Oh, I passed out after decorating ‘cause well, as you can see, i’m sick,” I explained.

            “You passed out?!” he shouted.

            “Ow! Don’t yell, you’re making my head ring and no I meant, I fell asleep,” I said and burped and blew into the air.

            “Ew! You’re so unlady-like,” even just hearing him say that, I knew he shivered and gagged without even looking at him.

            “Excuse me? Mr. I-didn’t-talk-to-you-because-I-thought-you-hated-me-and-I-didn’t-even-contact-you-to-ask-you-the-truth?” I said, frustrated again.

            “Oh..haha..that doesn’t make me a girl,” I turned to him and crossed my arms. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

            “Aigooo aigoooo! I missed you so much!” he said excitedly and before I knew it, he was hugging me so tight that I couldn’t breathe. I pushed his head away with my fingers.

            “Move away, you’re gonna get sick,” I said and he kept his hold on me.

            “No, mm-mm, let me enjoy this,” he said and smiled.

            “Yah, you sound like a ert,” I chuckled and he looked offended. “Seriously though, move back because i’m sick, you’re kiiiiiiiiiind of famous and a busy man so, I don’t want you to sue me for not being able to work,” I explained and got out of his hold.

            “Aaaactually, we have the holidays off, well we have one Christmas performance at SMTOWN Christmas event on Christmas day but that is it,” he explained and grabbed a bowl so he could eat too.

            “Waaaah, that’s good, you can rest,” I nodded. “Oh wait, how did you get in here?? Did Kris give my passcode away??” I asked and looked up at him. His mouth was full so he took his time to answer.

                “I told you before over and over again to stop using ‘1818’ as your passcode to anything just because you think it’s funny,” he said, shaking his head. I snorted and he just smiled at me and showed those dimples I’ve missed so much. And with that, we were back to how we used to be.