Tiffany

 I spent every day, every night, by her side. Whatever I did, I made sure that it was by her side. It became so that the hospital became my second home. I waited and waited, never losing hope at any point, for her to wake up. She was getting thinner and thinner day by day. The thin tubes and wires pierced through her skin and to her respiratory and digestive system. The life-support was helping her to breathe and her chest rose and fell with artificial, assisted breathing. It hurt me to see her in such a state, but I kept on waiting for something some part of me knew that would never happen. Taeyeon would check up on me regularly, taking me out for ice-cream or strolling along the small garden in the hospital premises. Nothing sparked my interest more than Jessica’s progress. I didn’t realise I was talking about her until I caught myself rambling about how the nurses said that Jessica would wake up soon enough. The thing was: I knew that they were lying, giving me some kind of false hope, and I believed them. Was I so desperate as to believe something I already knew was unreal? I just couldn’t bring myself to ask another question. Why? Why did I want Jessica to wake up so much?

Because I didn’t know the answer myself.

“Good evening, Ms. Hwang, I’ve just come in to check Ms. Jung’s progress,” a timid looking nurse came in through the door, holding a clipboard and a pen in her hands.

I gave her a tired, small smile that meant my approval. “Of course.”

The nurse gave me a smile in return. She fiddled with the machines, jotted down numbers, wrote down some observation and ensured that the machines were working fine. Once done, she bowed to me and left.

“She’s fine. The machines are in good condition and nothing appears to wrong. I’m sure Ms. Jung will wake up soon enough,” she said before leaving.

I nodded and continued to hold Jessica’s cold hand. It was so cold that I couldn’t feel her usual warmth. It was so cold that I thought she was dead. I observed Jessica’s sleeping face, mouth slightly open for the entry of a tube that helped her to breathe. But her eyes didn’t flutter at the slightest movement like how she usually would, despite being a relatively heavy sleeper. I guess Taeyeon was coming later today, or maybe she wouldn’t be coming at all. I really didn’t mind, and by due time, I really didn’t care. I didn’t return back to the apartment daily, only coming back to retrieve some clothing and undergarments. Since Jessica and I weren’t occupying the apartment for now, I left it to Krystal and Amber to keep the place in good condition.

“Why won’t you wake up?” I whispered to the sleeping Jessica.

I knew that she wasn’t exactly ‘sleeping’, but I couldn’t call it dying either. She was somewhere in between life and death, I knew, but to me, she was always sleeping and this was only one of her phase out of her 16 hour ‘naps’. I couldn’t bring myself to cry anymore; my tears must have dried up during the first few weeks of Jessica’s hospitalization. And so I couldn’t cry anymore, even if I felt like it. So, when I wanted to cry, all I could ever do was stare blankly at Jessica’s face and the numbing feeling would flow inside of me. Slowly drifting to sleep, I would think of all the moments we shared until I couldn’t think anymore. Sleep claimed me before anything else could.

Strangely, Krystal and I became good friends. We probably figured that we were in the same boat and we could confide in each other about Jessica. I found myself liking her more than I thought I would. Krystal was more open about her feelings than Jessica was. But that turned out to be better. I appreciated her company, but nothing could replace the empty hole in me that only Jessica could fill.

“I’m not sure, Krystal. I don’t know for sure,” I could only mutter sadly when she asked of her sister’s condition.

I could never call her ‘Krys’, what Jessica used to call her. I didn’t because I couldn’t. Don’t ask me why. Taeyeon asked me out again and I strolled along the garden, side by side, eyeing the colourful butterflies and the green plants that sprung from the fertile soil.

“So…how long do you think it’ll take?” Taeyeon asked suddenly.

I faltered in my tracks, but shambled on when I thought of it. I let out a small, dry sigh.

“I don’t know, Taeyeon. The doctor said that it could take up to several years for her to wake up.”

Taeyeon sighed as well, kicking a pebble with her foot. We walked in silence, both of us thinking of something predominant and inevitable. We both knew what will be of Jessica, but Taeyeon couldn’t bring herself to snap me into reality and I just couldn’t think of it that way.

“What are the chances?” she asked again after some time.

“Thirty percent? Twenty percent? I don’t know.”

To be honest, the doctor had told me that the chances were slim, ranging around thirty to twenty percent, but I knew for a fact that the doctors were only being kind with their words. Jessica needed life-support to breathe and for her heart to beat. That couldn’t be thirty or twenty percent, couldn’t it?

“Let’s just hope for the best.”

“You know, if I could turn back the time, I wouldn’t fight with her anymore, I wouldn’t argue with her at all, and I’d make sure that I spent every second by her side,” I said abruptly.

I didn’t mean to say that. I had been thinking of it, I admit, but I really didn’t want to have said that out loud. I guess Taeyeon heard the regret in my voice and she looked over at me, giving me a pitiful look that I had been so familiar with during my time out in the cold. We were alike; Taeyeon and I, but we were also light-years apart. Have I been with Jessica too long until I had been made a bundle of contradictions as well? Taeyeon lost her mother, I lost someone whom I never could call mine to begin with. But Taeyeon didn’t know what it was like to watch someone slowly rotting away and just stand there, helpless. At least, she had her father. I had to deal with this myself, because we were different people in Jessica’s life. We each stood for different things and were of different value to her, so I couldn’t be comforted by someone who was different compared to me in Jessica’s eyes.

Readers’ Note:

I hope this chapter wasn’t too confusing. I wanted the entire ‘hopeless-without-you’ effect and if you guys don’t feel it, then I’m a failure. -.-“ I am a Lit student anyway. So, I hope you guys get it.

Thank you for reading!

Yours Faithfully
Jazzign