Kyesin

I sat in Dean’s passenger seat in silence, staring blankly at the window. My lips still throbbed from that kiss...that kiss is what’s making my head hurt. What did that kiss mean? Did it even mean something? Or was he just messing with me? He, after all, is torturing me with all that is happening now… He really did change…

“Are you alright?” Dean asked as he drove carefully down the icy road.

“Huh?” I asked, not catching the question.

He glanced at me worriedly for a second. “I asked if you’re alright…” He whispered.

“Oh… Yeah… Thanks for picking me up by the way,” I said.

“No problem…” He breathed deeply. “Do you want me to drop you off at your office or at home? You look dead tired.”

I looked at him. Dean has been consistently worried about me and he has took care of me since we’ve met. He’s a patient guy. “Home, please,” I told him. I look back out the window.

“It’s him, isn’t he? The guy…” He whispered. “I saw it in your eyes earlier… the way you look at him, and the way he looks at you.”

I breathed deeply and lightly touched his hand placed on the steering wheel. “I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he said with a smile.

“I should! I’m dating you now,” I said.

He pursed his lips. “So you do admit that we are officially dating?” He smiled teasingly at me.

I can’t help but chuckle. “Well if I can’t call snogging at New Year’s eve ‘dating’ then I don’t know what we’re doing.”

He laughed. He took one hand off the steering wheel to hold mine. “I know you’re having a hard time now… But I promise it’s all going to be better soon.” He kissed my hand.

“Thank you, Dean. Really… You’ve waited so long…”

“If it’s you, I can wait a lifetime,” he smiled wide.

“But you know, he’s changed now… He hates me,” I chuckled bitterly.

“But you haven’t. You still love him.” Dean spoke the bitter truth. “You always have.”

“I’m trying not to anymore. I want to forget him… But he’s making it so hard,” I whispered.

“You know why it’s hard for you?” He chuckled. “It’s because you keep looking for the guy you loved before.”

I stared at him. He was right. “I…”

“Why don’t you look back at everything… Every memory of him and look at the other side of it all? Look at the reason why you left… Look at the reason why it hurts when you see him now…” He said. He then sighed quickly afterwards. “I’m not trying to make myself look better to you… I’m just helping you see his other side. There always two sides in a person: the good and the bad.”

“Maybe you’re right,” I admitted.

“You’ve always looked at yourself as the bad person in the relationship between you two… I’ve been by your side for years and all those time you felt you were the selfish one. I beg you, Kyesin. Look at it the other way around, the same way I do.”

I sighed. Maybe… Maybe I should.

Dean stopped in front of your building. “Thanks for the lift,” I said.

“No worries,” he smiled. “I’ll have your car parked in your spot later.”

“Thank you so much.”

“Remember what I told you, okay?” He smiled warily before kissing my cheek. He’s been so patient… I breathed deeply. I unbuckled my seatbelt so that I could lean on his side. I placed my lips on his for a second.

“See you tomorrow, Dean,” I smiled at him before getting off his car.

I slowly made my way to my place. I threw my bag on the couch and slumped on my bed. I got my pillow and hugged it, fighting the tears that are about to fall.

Why? Why didn’t I feel as much when I kissed Dean compared to when Kyuhyun kissed me? Why does my heart still beat for him when he obviously hates me? Why do I still love Cho Kyuhyun?

Kyuhyun

I drove back to the dorm feeling a lot of things. Frustration. Anger. Confusion. Jealousy? Maybe. Love? No. Definitely not. But if it isn’t love… then what is it? Overwhelming nostalgia?

“Hey KyuKyu!” Heechul hyung greeted as I entered. He was playing video games. “Wanna play?”

“Not in the mood,” I groaned, lying down on the couch. “Where’s Donghae hyung?”

“Out with a schedule,” hyung said. “Don’t you have one?”

“No,” I grumbled.

He finally took his eyes off the big screen. “Yah! What’s up with you?!”

I sighed. “Nothing!”

He narrowed his eyes at me before looking back at the game. “Yah Cho Kyuhyun, if you’re just going to be like that, just go to your room.”

I groaned and ignored hyung. I stood up and scavenged the kitchen for leftover food. I found some grilled chicken sandwich in the refrigerator. I took it out and reheated it in the microwave. I sat at the counter, pretending to watch Heechul hyung play.

But all I could think of was Kyesin. Her hazel eyes… Her brown wavy hair… Her thin red lips… Even until now I could still electricity on my lips from the kiss. Why… Why do I feel this way? I thought I had gotten over her. I thought I hated her for leaving me. I thought I hated her for being so selfish. “Why is she so selfish?!” I said aloud.

Heechul hyung’s snapped up and he looked at me. “What the hell are you saying there?”

“Nothing, hyung,” I shook my head.

He shut his game off and stood. “You think she’s selfish? You think Park Kyesin is selfish?” He asked angrily.

I looked away. “I didn’t say that.”

“Yah! Look at me when I’m talking to you Cho Kyuhyun! Do you know what your problem is?”

“What, hyung?! What?!” My fury rose and I shouted at him.

“You still love her!” He spitted at me.

I froze. “No, I don’t!”

“Then tell me why are you thinking about her now? Tell me, why the moment you saw her again, you became like this? Please, Kyuhyun. I saw your eyes when that foreigner came to fetch her during the party. Those are not the eyes of someone who has let go. And tell me, why none of your relationships these years lasted for more than six months?! Because deep inside you still love her and you can’t ing let her go! You couldn’t find a single woman as good or better than her! You’re like a brother to me and I notice all these things! Do you know what the opposite of love is, Kyuhyun? It’s not hate. It’s indifference! Indifference! if you really don’t love her anymore then you wouldn’t bother her! You wouldn’t be thinking of her and just let her live her life.”

I stood up from my chair. “What the am I supposed to do, hyung? Just let her go from what she did to me?! Just forgive her for being so selfish?!”

“Selfish?!” He scoffed and shook his head. “Park Kyesin has never been selfish, Kyuhyun. You’re the selfish one.”

“Me?!” I shouted. “In case you don’t remember, she left me, hyung! She. Left. Me!”

“But she would never do so if I hadn’t told, no - begged her to!” He screamed at me. I froze, lost for words. “You were the selfish one, Kyuhyun. She did everything for you. She made sure you ate well and you have something to eat whenever you get home. She made sure you got enough rest. She made sure you were healthy. She even stays to help clean up in the dorm! She did all these things for you. She would rush here right after her classes, and then when she has done her job, she’d go home and study all night. Did you know she barely got any sleep? Did you know she frequently cries when she’s alone? Did you know how much pain you were causing her, but she tried to bear it all since she loves you so much and she understands that it’s difficult for you to date since you’re an idol? She was slowly getting sicker and sicker… Her health was deteriorating yet you didn’t even see it. She almost fainted, Kyu… She even tried to hide it from us. All she wanted from you was just one night out, Kyuhyun. Just one. Even just one dinner. Yet you didn’t give her any for months.”

“Hyung…”

But he ignored me. He kept going. His eyes were red. “She loves you so much Kyuhyun that even though she was pale, had fever and too tired to move, she had to keep going. I couldn’t bear see her like that anymore. None of us could. Henry and Donghae cried to me asking what we should do about it. Then when I finally couldn’t take it anymore, I begged her to leave. She wouldn’t at first. You know her. Stubborn as always. But eventually she caved in, using the scholarship to Stanford as an excuse. She begged us not to tell you but I couldn’t hide it anymore. Not with you thinking she’s the selfish one in this story.” Heechul hyung took his coat angrily and grabbed his keys. “Go on and reflect on what I just said and then you’ll realize how stupid you are for hurting her,” he said before storming off the dorm

I sat on my chair with so many thoughts in my head. Shocked as if the hard truth was just slapped to me. I could feel the warm tears roll down my face. Was this… Was it really all my fault?

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Hey everyone!

Sorry I wasn't able to update last week. My laptop broke so I couldn't post the new chapter. As an apology, I will beposting two new chapters this week. YAAAAAAAY!

Also, I promise that the next six(?) chapters will be very long. As in very very long. SO please anticipate :)

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