SEVENTEEN

Yunho has been staying in my bed for fifty hours now without any sign that he will leave it unless for the bathroom visit. He refuses to speak and to eat. Even I have to force-feed him spoonful by spoonful myself to keep him alive. As Yunho decides to grieve, I step up and keep communication with Uncle Insuk. The girl, Yunho’s girlfriend, was an orphanage since she was only six year old. She was raised by her grandparents. The grandfather had long passed away before she met Yunho. Her grandmother now lives on the house for the old folks, suffering Parkinson’s disease. It is almost impossible to give justice for the girl. 

The news of homicide has spread all over the country. The tapesrecorded on the phone by several guests when the disaster happened circulate on the internet. Apparently, the news not only has shaken Yunho but also several parties who have concern overthe big gap in the society. But mostly, it is the governmentwho has to take the biggest blow because Jungs family took part in the president election fifteen months ago.

As for me, it still weird to refer to the girl as Yunho’s girlfriend. I am Yunho’s girlfriend now. But they never broke up. She died, which will be weirder if I refer to her as Yunho’s ex-girlfriend. And thinking about her makes me questions our relationship. Watching Yunho mourning over someone who had been gone for two years and a half makes me feel inadequate in every way. What if she is the love of his life? What would it make me then?

“How is he?” Sooyoung sits down on the chair beside me on the dining table.

I’m mulling the answer for five seconds before answering. “Still breathing, I guess.” I’ve been leaving him for three hours because I have class this morning. Earlier before I leave for class, I have forced-feed him with cereal and milk. He was silent as he ate. His eyes were closed as if he couldn’t bear to see me. It was a torture for both of us. 

“And how are you?”

My eyes sting with tears. Thankfully, I am crouched over the table with my face stuffed between my folded arms. “Still breathing too.”

I feel soft hand my hair and just like that I lose it. For a long time I cry with Sooyoungwordlessly caressing my hair. I feel like I’m back to seven year old again and finding my pet cat died. I hate that feeling, losing something that would never come back. I’m so scared if I will lose Yunhofor good too. Living the rest of my life without him seems unthinkable. I would always measure every other man against him and find them lacking.

For days, he barely acknowledges me. We sleep in the same bed but it feels like I was sleeping alone. No more spooning. No more stolen kisses. No more easy conversation. It’s like experiencing to live with a shell of man you used to live with. He is there but at the same time he isn’t. I don’t want to fight with a ghost, especially knowing I couldn’t win. And yet I know that giving up isn’t an option.

I lift my head, wiping at the tears futilely. “I don’t know what to do. He doesn’t want to talk.”

Sooyounggrabs my hands and rests them in between us. She squeezes gently as she stares at me with convincing, determined stare. “You’re the strongest girl I’ve ever meet Yuri. If there’s one person on earth who can save Yunho, it’s you. Remember the first time when you two met and we had argument in the parking lot. I was so wrong. Even back then I could tell that he wanted you.He clearly loves you. Everyone knows it. He just needs time to heal. And we both know he needs you to stay by his side.”

My eyes tear up again. I want to do that too. I just can’t stand his silence. It’s so selfish of me I know, but I always want to know what he is thinking. “What if he can’t stop mourning?” I swallow the lump in my throat, horrified that I am about to tell Sooyoung my biggest fear. “What if he still loves her?”

Sooyoung draws in sharp breath.

“No. Don’t answer that.” I intercede, feeling equally stupid and miserable. “I don’t want to know.”

“What can I do?” She asks instead.

Suddenly, the door of my bedroom opens. Yunho appears second later only in sweatpants. His unkempt h