February 23 2004, 00:30, Monday 

I'm starting to get tired of this. If I don't man up and confess to Yunho straight on face-to-face, I don't think he will ever acknowledge my feelings. 

Despite the fact that he was as dense as ever, I had still tried to get him to realize about my crush on him. In the end, it was all fruitless. 

I can't bring myself to confess to him directly yet, and I don't think I ever will. Not when he likes my best friend. By now, I'm not even bothered to think about whether it's actually true or not, because somehow my brain has completely taken in the fact that Yunho likes Changmin, false or not. So even if someone tells me it's not true, it's going to be hard for me to believe it unless Yunho says it himself.

If I can't get him to like me, maybe I should stop liking him? But I've tried doing that before, and it was impossible. Well, trying to get him to like me is also the same. What am I supposed to do now?? He can't see that I am in love with him, and I can't stop myself from falling in love with him even more. If I go back to trying to stop loving him, I'm only running around in the same circle again. 

I realized that not feeling anything when I heard the news was just a temporary shock for me. Because now, all the feelings I should've felt back then are coming back to me slowly. I get angry, upset, frustrated at basically everything. Sometimes I'd been like a soulless person, even making the others wonder what was wrong with me. Yoochun had encountered me once when I was roaming around endlessly and asked if I was alright. I was not in the mood and had snapped at him out of instinct, and I still feel bad for it even though he told me he didn't mind because he understood. No, Yoochun. You don't understand. No one will.

The other day, I had cried myself to sleep and woke up screaming. Of course, everyone got worried, Changmin especially, but I told them it was just a nightmare. I don't think they believed me fully, but atleast they didn't bother me about it anymore. And it wasn't exactly a lie, I did have a bad dream. About Yunho.

The more I think about the fact that he likes someone other than me and could never be mine, the more my mind goes crazy. I get all these mixture of emotions and just feel like ripping everything apart. Am I going insane? Exactly how much have I fallen for Yunho that I'm practically losing my mind right now?! This love...I can't stand it. As much I want Yunho to myself, I can't stand the thought of him or anyone getting hurt just because of my selfishness. I do not want to turn into some phsyco who so is crazed about love that he would do anything to get what he wants, and go hurting everyone in the process.

Which is why I'm trying hard. Trying so hard to hang on to that pice of sanity in my mind which can just probably save me from all of this. And if it can't save me from it, it should at least keep me stable from bein in love with Yunho.

Love.

How I hate that word. This is exactly why I hate it. It brings nothing but pain. Not family love or friendship love, the type of love I'm dealing with right now. For so long I've strayed away from it, and now I've got myself tangled in the middle of it. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that. I broke my own promise. I've seen plenty of my friends fall in love and end up getting hurt in the end. They've always had to deal with heartbreaks, and I don't ever want to. But I guess what I'm dealing with right now is a bit similar.