January 31 2004, 09:45, Saturday

Well, I was right about not getting my hopes up too much. 

Changmin and Yunho are still as close as ever. They're so close and they look so great together that I'm even starting to ship them a bit, forgetting that I myself am already in love with one of them and the other one is my own best friend. 

Talking about those two all the time probably makes you think they spend time only by themselves. Though in reality, they don't. They both hang out just as much with me, Yoochun and Junsu. It's just that there is something else which makes our bond differ from the one they have between themselves. 

Oh, by the way. I found out what was written on the necklace. 

'Always keep the Faith.'

Not exactly sure what he's implying, but either way I guess I'll stick to it. I think I'll come to understand its true meaning someday. 

Leaving that aside, what's bothering me is that I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I used to be someone who was fearless, not scared to do anything. I didn't give two s about anything that was related to 'love' at all, whenever someone asked me about it I would just brush it off, saying I wasn't interested. Now, here I am fretting and being self-conscious of myself because of a stupid crush I had developed on my band leader. 

I think I'm changing. And I don't like it. I don't want to become this, this weak and cowardly person. I want to go back to my old self. I worked so hard to improve. Like I just want to run over to it, and forget about all these problems and that is happening. Maybe I just want to escape reality. 

Or maybe, you're just turning into your true self.