I read the text from her again before finally making up my mind to call her.

I’m sorry I can’t take care of you, heart.

Wait. I am taking care of my heart because heart is the one who wants this, who keeps pleading to let Taeyeon comes up to my apartment. Head is the one who screams not to and warns me that my heart is the one who’s going to get hurt. Okay, I know you’re confused. I am too. Maybe this dialogue between my heart and my head can help.

Heart: Hwang Miyoung, please answer that cute girl’s text and let her hangs out in your apartment tonight.

Head: NO WAY! Are you out of your mind?!

Heart: Yes, I am. I’m way down here inside your ribs.

Head: Don’t try to be funny. Hwang Miyoung, don’t listen to heart. You listen to me. Just ignore that cute girl! Turn off your cellphone!

Heart: No, don’t do that. Just spend some time with her. I know you miss her.

Head: You don’t miss her!! You CAN’T miss her! This is for your own sake, Stupid Heart!   

Heart: Aww, come on. She’s alone downstairs. She even brought food and vitamins! At least meet her and thank her. Don’t be rude, Hwang Miyoung. And don’t listen to head. She doesn’t know what you want. I’m sure you miss her cute smile, don’t you? So please just let her come up.

Head: You’re the one who’s going to get hurt, you stupid stupid heart! I’m out of this. Don’t blame me when you got broken, heart!!

Do you get what I mean now? I hope so. Because this is so confusing.

Next thing I know, I heard the front door opening.

And Yuri’s voice. Along with…… Kim Taeyeon’s.  

“I didn’t know she’s sick.”

“She said she’s fine, but she hasn’t answer my text. Thanks for letting me in, Yuri-ah.”

It’s not even a split second and I still froze when Yuri’s face comes into view followed by that cute face.

“Oh hey! Fany-ah, you’re up! Why didn’t you tell me you’re sick?” Yuri says.

“I-I’m okay. Just a little bit tired, Yul.”

“How are you feeling now? Are you really okay?” Taeyeon asks with genuine worry in her eyes.

Oh man, she keeps making me crushing on her even more!

“I’m really okay, Taeyeon-ah.”

“Have you had dinner? Soonkyu said you tend to forget to eat when you’re sick. So I bought food.” She smiles and lifts plastic bags on her hand.

“Y-you shouldn’t have.”

“Aaaawh that’s so sweet of you, Taeyeon-ah.” Yuri suddenly says. I thought she went to her room already.

“Let’s eat it together, Yuri-ah. I brought enough.” She offers.

“Too bad, I just had dinner before I came home and I want to turn in early tonight. So you kids have fun!” she waves and walks to her room, “Thanks for caring about my roommate, Taeyeon-ah!” she says with a wide grin before she disappears behind her door.

“You’re welcome.” Taeyeon looks at me again awkwardly. Ugh, I could feel my cheeks burning just because of a look. Kim Taeyeon’s look.

“Umm.. so where should I put this?”

I leap up on my feet, “Ye-yeah, let’s go to the kitchen.”  

*

And so, here I am with Kim Taeyeon sitting cutely across from me with food on the table.

This Taeyeon-free day is an epic fail.

She looks up at me after she put all the food she brought with her on the table.

“You’re really okay? Do you have a fever?” she stands up and put the back of her hand on my forehead.

Everything’s happening so quickly I didn’t even have time to fully comprehend that Kim Taeyen is putting her hand on my forehead very gently. She already retracts and sits back down when I remember how to breathe.

“You don’t have a fever though. That’s a good thing. Are you dizzy?”

She looks earnestly worried. So I smile to assure her that I’m not sick.

“Taeyeon-ah, I’m seriously fine. Just a little bit tired, that’s all.”

She still looks unconvinced, “Are you still tired now? I can leave after we eat dinner.”

Today supposed to be Taeyeon-free day!!!

There goes my head screaming at me again. And of course, my heart needs to voice her opinion too.

Screw Taeyeon-free day! You’ve been thinking about her all day today. There’s no such thing as Taeyeon-free day, Hwang Miyoung.

“I’m fully rested today. So I’m not tired now.”

She looks relieved and starts to pick up her chopsticks, “Okay. Cool. Maybe we can hang out for a while after this?”

Now who can say no to that?  

Dinner went very well and I hereby concluded there would be no more trying to have ‘Taeyeon-free’ day ever again. Because it didn’t work and it won’t work in any way.

Kim Taeyeon is already a part of my life and it’s too late to erase her existence.

“So, Tiffany, tell me about your love life.”

I almost spit my drinks. We’re still sitting at the dinner table and taking some time talking even though we already finish our dinner.

“Why you want to know?” I try to ask nonchalantly.

She shrugs, “You knew mine, so I want to know yours. Aren’t friends supposed to share this things?”

I’m hoping friends also share the same feelings, Kim Taeyeon.

I chuckle, “Well what do you want to know?”

She lifts her glass to and utters, “Are you in a relationship right now?”

I lift my eyebrows, “I thought you already knew?”

“I assume you’re not in one since you never talk about it. So are you?”

I shake my head, “I’m not in a relationship right now.”

“Oh, okay. How about your previous one? Tell me about it.”

I did ask her about hers yesterday, so it’s only fair if I told her about mine now I guess.

“Well I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of months before I met you actually.”

This time she’s the one who almost choke on her drinks.

“Y-y-you….” she looks at me with wide eyed, “girlfriend?”

I look at her amused, she doesn’t know I’m gay? “Err.. yes?”

“So you’re….. g-gay too?” she asks still in disbelief.

I laugh, “You didn’t know about that either?”

“I-I assume you’re straight, since you… you know.. you don’t look like you like girls in that way.” She answers truthfully.

She’s seriously too cute! I smile, “Looks like your gay radar hasn’t been working properly, Tayeon.”

She looks at me abashed, “I’m new at this, remember?”

I laugh again. Too damn cute.

She clears and looks at me with a smile, “Then what makes you gay? Did you lose faith in men too?”

“Nope. I knew I’m not ‘straight’ since I was little I guess. I’ve been favoring actresses rather than actors, female singers rather than male, etc. I remember I tried so hard in class because I thought my teacher was pretty. I tried to grab her attention any way I could. I thought I was being like that because I want her to give me good grades, but as I grew older, I realize I like my female teacher more than male teacher.”

Taeyeon listens to me intently and I love how she’s putting all of her attention to me.

“Did you ever got into a denial?”

I nod, “I dated boys in my early high school years. I finally come on terms with myself after my third boyfriend.”

“Does your family know?”

“My dad doesn’t like the idea of it. That’s why I chose to go to college here, far away from him. I could tell he still can’t accept it, but he’s being indifferent about it now.”

“How about your siblings?”

“My brother is okay with it. But my sister…….” I gulp. I don’t even remember the last time I talk to her, “let’s just say I’m not her favorite little sister anymore.”

Taeyeon’s expression falls a little, “Sorry to hear that.”

I smile at her, “It’s okay.”     

We fell into silence, but before it becomes an awkward one, she speaks again.

“So……… why did you break up with your previous girlfriend?”

I inhale deeply. I know it’s all in the past and I’m already over my ex. But talking about it is like opening the wound again.

“Umm... it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it though. I don’t want to discomfort you.” she fidgets nervously.

Oh what the heck. I moved on from my ex to this cute petite woman in front of me. There will be no wound whatsoever.

I smile to her, “She dumped me because she realizes she’s not ‘gay’ right after we” I clear my throat, “um… did it for the first time with each other the night before.”

Her eyes widen, “Wow. That’s…… that’s mean.”

“Nah, I should’ve known better. She’s younger than me and I was her first girlfriend. Well first and only. I was her ‘experiment’. I knew she hadn’t dated a girl before, but I didn’t know she was just testing the water with me.”

She furrows her eyebrows, “Nobody should experiment about things like that. She’s mean.”

I chuckle, “She was feeling very guilty about it though. She told me about her confusion with tears and she looked genuinely sorry.”

She’s frowning now, “Doesn’t mean she can do that to you. Or anyone else for that matters.”

“Oh well, it’s in the past anyway. We broke up amicably.”

“Have you moved on?”     

I can’t seem to look at her in the eyes when I answer her, “I have.”

“Well that’s good.”

When I look back at her, she has a relieved smile. “I know we haven’t been friends for long, but I definitely know you’re a good person, Fany-ah. You deserve to be happy.”

You deserve to be happy too, Taeyeon-ah.

*

When I arrive at my apartment, I just realize a text from my girlfriend. It’s the same old short reply that used to bother me so much.      

Used to. It doesn’t really bother me that much now.

I toss my cellphone on my bed and flop down afterwards. Unconsciously, I replayed the evening I spent with Tiffany and it brings a smile on my face.

I feel…… happy somehow.