Sunday was spent by finding work clothes. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t go to work looking like a hobo, but my heart told me to look nicer, prettier. I could say my heart had mind of its own, but………. to hell with lying. That cute smile and expectant stare directed at me when Kim Taeyeon said ‘We should’ lingers like a sweet aftertaste that I can’t wash off no matter how many glasses of water I drank.

So that’s why I spent my Sunday by thrashing my wardrobe, why I was up earlier than my alarm did, and why I’m checking my cellphone every 5 minutes right now.   

2 hours before lunchtime, I just realized she didn’t even ask for my phone number on that lovely Saturday.

I’m pathetic, aren’t I? I inhale deeply and let it out a couple of times to pull myself together before I muster all my focus on my laptop.

 

But…..

 

I just type in 2 paragraphs on the report I have to finish before lunch when my eyes darted to the cellphone that I placed just beside my laptop. It’s unmoving. No notification whatsoever.

Gosh! Tiffany Hwang Miyoung, get a grip! She has a girlfriend. She won’t ask you to go to lunch today. Besides, she just likes you as a friend! And you’re the one who states clearly that you won’t ruin someone else’s relations-

My cellphone vibrates and I didn’t know my hand had a very fast reflex.

I swear to God, if it’s an advertisement text message, I will flip my table.

 

 

 

 

Fortunately my salary won’t get deducted to pay for destroying company’s asset,

because Kim Taeyeon text me if I wanted to have lunch with her.    

 

*

 

Taeyeon: Hi, Soonkyu!

Soonkyu: Hello, Taeng. What’s up?

Taeyeon: Can I have Tiffany’s number?

Soonkyu: Tiffany? My college friend Tiffany?

Taeyeon: Yes, your college friend Tiffany Hwang.

Soonkyu: Well, sure. But why suddenly? Do you…. like her?!

Taeyeon: -_____- you know very well I have a girlfriend, Soonkyu.

Soonkyu: Oh, you still consider her your girlfriend?

Taeyeon: What the- Of course! We never break up!

Soonkyu: You should. She’s no good for you.  

Taeyeon: Seriously? Not this again.

Soonkyu: You deserve so much better than her, Taeyeon-ah.

Taeyeon: Why are we still talking about this?

Soonkyu: Because I care. She’s hurting you.

Taeyeon: She’s not. She won’t cheat on me. You don’t know her LIKE I DO. So please stop talking like that.

Soonkyu: She’s bad news ever since we’re in school! And did you forget how she neglected you for days and didn’t even want to have a video call with you after weeks of not seeing each other?

Taeyeon: You know what, forget it. I don’t need Tiffany’s number. Goodbye.

Soonkyu: Wait!!!!!! Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll give you her number.

Taeyeon: Thanks.

 

*

  

We decided to eat at one of the building between ours. I arrive at the restaurant 15 minutes early and I’m a little bit torn. Should I just wait for her inside? But I don’t want to look too eager. There’s a bookstore right in front of the restaurant. I’ll just pretend I want to buy something first then.

I look through the books and one book catches my attention. The cover shows a big heart with a man holding the end of the heart on his hand.

 

“Tiffany?”

I gasp due to surprise and when I look up, Kim Taeyeon flashing her cute smile at me.

“Gosh, you gave me a heart attack.” But then again, I won’t mind dying because of that smile hehehehehe.

She chuckles, “Sorry. I was going to enter the restaurant when I saw you. You’re buying a book?”

“Ye-yeah.” I just realize my hand is clutching tightly to that book, “I’m just about to pay.”

So I buy the book while Taeyeon’s waiting for me. After that we go to the restaurant together.  

 

We’re laughing about a story I told and I think to myself, how could I feel so nervous but also comfortable around her? Why is it so easy to talk to her while my heart is thumping wildly like this? This never happens before. Usually I’m comfortable when I’m with my friends and nervous when I’m with someone I like. But now, it’s like the combination of both. This is confusing.

 

To top it of, she has a girlfriend. So even though I really like her, it will be one sided. I hate this. There she is, right in front of me, laughing at my silly story (not everybody get my humor, I tell you) but yet, feel so far away.

 

She’s wiping her wet eyes since she laughs so hard when suddenly she takes out her cellphone from her purse. Her laugh stops and morphs into a smile.

 

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.” She looks at me apologetically and I know that must be her girlfriend calling.

“Sure, take it.” I try to sound as fine as I can.

She picks up her cellphone and puts it on her ear, “Hey.”

I sip on my drink and pretend to check on my cell phone.

“I’m having lunch with my friend.”

That word friend makes me look up and meet her gaze. She flashes me her smile.

 

 

This friendship thing will only hurt me, won’t it?

 

*

 

The past weeks went by with lunches in the company of Kim Taeyeon almost every single day. Even on Saturdays we would hang out together (with the addition of Soonkyu, Jessica, and sometimes Yuri).

I’m fully aware of this one-sided crush thing and being friends surely hurt me. She would have a phone call with her girlfriend although not frequently. It hurt when she did, because: one, she would have her signature smile whenever she picks up the call, two, I wish she would have that smile every time she takes my call, and three, she would whisper those three words every time she ends the call.

That phone calls hurt me each and every time but I notice she only has the smile at the beginning of the phone call. At the end, she would always look a little bit gloomy and sad. Even when she says ‘I love you.’ it seems to me that she says it half-heartedly. Maybe she just misses her girlfriend a lot? But then again, the phone calls are always short and due to my eavesdropping, it seems that the calls were cut short by her, not by Taeyeon.   

I’m beginning to think that Taeyeon’s not really happy with her current relationship like what Soonkyu said. It doesn’t change my mind about not stealing her though. I will never do that. I won’t tell a soul about my feelings for Kim Taeyeon. I will take it to the grave with me.  

But……. if and ONLY if she broke up with her girlfriend for any other reason excluding me, then maybe I will tell Taeyeon that I like her more than a friend should. I’m just going to go with the flow with it. If nature allows, then maybe Kim Taeyeon would fall for me too.

 

Oh my, I feel fuzzy and dizzy just by the thought of a possibility she likes me back. I should stop dwelling about this and think about what I want to eat for lunch instead.

 

Just then, my cellphone buzzes.  

 

Taeyeon: Where shall we have lunch today, Fany-ah?

I try to suppress flutters I’m feeling and text her back. We decide on which restaurant and I continue finishing my work before time for lunch.

 

I’m saving my work when my colleague comes to my cubicle.

“Fany-ah! Are you done yet? Let’s go have lunch!” she says cheerfully.

I close my laptop and grab my things, “Sorry, I already promise my friend to go with her.”

She raises her eyebrows, “Which friend? The one you had lunch with yesterday?”

“Yup.”

“But you always have lunch with her these past few weeks!” she whines.

I smile apologetically at her, “Well she always text me first before you come.”

“Fine, then tomorrow you’re having lunch with us! There, promise made before your ‘friend’ ask you.” she points at me with her forefinger.

I stand up from my seat and chuckle, “Okay, I’ll have lunch with you and the girls tomorrow.”

We walk together to the elevator.

“Who’s this friend of yours anyway? Is she a potential girlfriend?” she asks casually.

I’m pretty close with my colleagues so they know about my preferences.

Yeah right, Kim Taeyeon is a potential girlfriend. Well at least I wish her to be.

I don’t answer her and keep walking.

“Yah, answer me, Fany-ah.” She keeps up with me and pokes my cheek, “Omo, you’re blushing! She must be then. No wonder you ditch us every single day.” She teases.

I let out a sigh, “She’s not a potential girlfriend and I am not ditching you guys, Soo.”

 

We arrive in front of the elevator and my other colleagues are there.

“You’re joining us for lunch, Unnie?”

“No, not this time, Juhyun-ah.”

“Another lunch date with your girlfriend?” my other colleague asks with a teasing smile.

“See? I’m not the only one who thinks this ‘friend’ of yours is merely a friend. Even Hyoyeon thinks so.” Sooyung intercepts before I can answer. 

“She’s not a girlfriend or a potential girlfriend. We’re just friends.”

“Then how come you always have lunch with her?” Hyoyeon asks.  

“I have lunch with you guys too!”

“Before this new ‘friend’ comes along and it’s always the four us. Unlike you and your friend who always have lunch just the two of you.” Sooyoung counters and using quotation marks every time she said the word friend.

The elevator door opens and I hurriedly go inside, wishing they stopped interrogating me since there are other people inside.

“Why are you denying it? This is so unlike you.” The interrogation keeps going albeit reduce to a whisper. It’s useless though, since the elevator is very quiet and I bet everybody there can hear what Hyoyeon said.

“It’s complicated, okay. Let’s just talk about this later.” I whisper back.

 

They don’t talk about it again and they go out from the elevator first since they’re going to have lunch in the building while I’m going to another building.  

 

When I enter the restaurant, I can see Taeyeon already sits in one of the table for two. She looks up due to the sound of the bell when a customer entering the restaurant and our gazes meet. She instantly smiles. Of course I smile back at her (who wouldn’t?).

There’s a quote from the book I bought the first time I went to lunch with Taeyeon that pops into my mind in this very moment:

Love is, smiling the moment you see one another

I feel my heart beats faster. It’s way too fast to be talking about love now. But I can’t help to think that maybe, just maybe……… Kim Taeyeon likes me too. More than a friend should.

 

*

 

The next day, when Taeyeon texts me where to go for lunch, I tell her I can’t go with her because I promised to have lunch with my colleagues today. And her response:

 

Taeyeon: Oh, ok.  

 

Was she disappointed?

Hwang Miyoung, do not get your hopes up, please!

But…… was she?! Because I am. I’m getting used to see her almost everyday now so when a day passes without seeing her feels weird already.

My feelings are already deep, aren’t they?

I’m still holding my cellphone while getting lost on my own silly thoughts when it buzzes again.

 

Taeyeon: How about coffee after work then?

 

I try my best to mute my squeal but I sound like a choking dolphin instead.

How can I lower my hopes when she keeps pulling it up?

 

 

 

“Spill! What’s with you and that lunch-with-her-every-single-day friend!” Sooyoung says once we placed our food orders. 

I exhale before I decide to just tell them honestly, “She has a girlfriend back home. End of story.”

Juhyun and Hyoyeon seem to understand the meaning of my answer, but Sooyoung blinks, “What? What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“There are still other fishes out there, Fany-ah.” Hyoyeon said and Juhyun pats my arm in assurance.

Sooyoung looks at the two with raised eyebrows, “You guys get what she means by that?!”

“Fany likes that ‘friend’ of hers, but unfortunately, that friend already has a girlfriend. So it’s a friend-zoned situation, dumb-.” Hyoyeon said.

“Oh. Sorry, Fany-ah. That .”

“It’s okay.”   

It’s all quiet and we eat in silence.

 

“So she doesn’t have any feelings at all towards you after all those lunches?” Sooyoung breaks the silence and I find everybody is looking at me with curious eyes.

I just shrugged and continue to eat.

“Unnie, does she know you like her in that way?”

“No and she will never know.”

“Why?”

“Because it’ll complicate things. If she doesn’t like me in that way, she’ll feel awkward being around me and I won’t lie, I would be too. But if she does, and she breaks up with her girlfriend because of me, then I would feel guilty for the rest of my life.”

“Why would you feel guilty? It’s not like you seduce her right now, is it?” Hyoyeon asks.

“What? No!”

“Then you shouldn’t feel guilty if she somehow starts to like you too.” Sooyoung says.

“But I would. No matter what, I don’t want to be someone who breaks someone else’s relationship. No matter how unhealthy or it’s a long distance or whatever.  I won’t be that person.”  

“So you’re really fine by being just her friend?”

“Yes.” I answer Hyo’s question confidently.

“Well then why don’t you ask her to join us for lunch next time then?”

I almost choke on my food, “W-what?”

“Friends eat together with their other friends, right? And you said you and her are going to be just friends. So why not eat together?” Hyoyeon explains matter-of-factly.

I really don’t mind asking Taeyeon to join us. But………… those lunches are my moment with Kim Taeyeon alone! We already spend the weekends with Soonkyu & Jessica (sometimes Yuri).

 

“Yea, sure.”

I hear a snicker from Sooyoung.

“You don’t seem to like the idea, Unnie.” Juhyun says with an amused smile on her face.

“No, no, you guys will get along with her just fine. She’s fun to be with.”

“Such a bad liar this friend of ours.” Hyoyeon speaks again and chuckles.

“I’m not lying!”

“You’re definitely reluctant to share your precious lunch time with her!” Sooyoung exclaims.    

“Shut up.” I feel my cheeks burning. Well I am foolishly still like Kim Taeyeon despite her status and I do want to spend time with her, just her.

“Unnie, I think you’re going to hurt yourself by being friends with her.” Juhyun says with a concerned tone.

“I know what I got myself into, Juhyun-ah. It’s just a silly crush anyway. My feelings will pass.”

“We know you, Tiffany Hwang Miyoung. You don’t have ‘silly crushes’. You have ‘loves of your life’. I agree with Juhyun. You’re going to get hurt.”    

“Fany’s a big girl. She can take care of herself, guys. If she says she’s fine with being friends, then she’s going to be fine. Let her be.” Hyoyeon counters.

“I’m just concern, Hyo. She puts her heart on her sleeve! Look what happened to her last relationship!”

Woah, they do not need to step into that.

“Yeah, but-”

I put both my hands up to stop the incoming arguments between them, “Guys, I’m going to be fine, really.” I smile at them, “Thank you very much for the concern, but I’m fine.”

All of them look at me quietly before conclude that we should really talk about something else.

Finally they continue their meal and change the topic. But I could hear Sooyoung mumbled, “I just hope that girl breaks up with whoever it is and likes you back.”

 

I hope so too.    

 

*

 

I finish up my work as fast as I can and when it’s finally time we can go home, I’m already outside of my cubicle.

 

Never knew I’m this excited for a coffee. Well…. coffee with Kim Taeyeon to be exact.

 

I scan the not-so-crowded coffee house once I enter it and I can’t see her anywhere so maybe I’m too early. I order my coffee and consider sending her a text. But then again, I don’t want to sound to eager. So I pick my coffee and choose to sit near the big window overlooking the street.

I sip my coffee slowly and observes the people walking about outside. Of course, by my second sip, I can’t stop myself from thinking about Taeyeon and every possible event that could happen.

 

What if she friend-zoned me for the rest of her life?

What if she got married to her girlfriend and asked me to be one of her bridesmaid?

What if she moved back to her hometown?

 

I think about waiting for her right now, and another batch of ‘what ifs’ come to mind.

 

What if she liked me back?

What if she broke up with her girlfriend because of me?

 

I can feel the butterflies even just by thinking about this. Holding her delicate hand, hugging her petite body, kissing her intriguing lips, making-

 

Okay, I shall stop right there. I can feel my whole body warm up because of my own thought. Geez, Hwang Miyoung.

 

“So sorry I’m late!”

 

I almost drop my mug. The person I’ve been daydreaming about is now standing right in front of me. Well, not really standing. She has her hands on her knees and breaths heavily as if she was running.

“Did you run all the way from your office?”

She takes a seat in front of me and tries to catch her breath before answering me, “Not like sprint run.” She chuckles that makes me smile, “I don’t want you to wait for long. I’m the one who asks you out for coffee.”

 

Asks me out?

 

DOES MERE FRIENDS ASK EACH OTHER OUT?!

 

She stands up again, “I’m going to order something. You want anything?”

“N-no, thanks.”

Damn what’s with the stutter?!

“Okay, then. Be right back.” She flashes her smile and goes to the counter.

Oh my. I try to calm myself. No more stuttering when she comes back!

I look at her back while she’s queuing and of course the ultimate ‘what if’ question pops up:

 

What if I’m Kim Taeyeon’s girlfriend?

 

But the word ‘girlfriend’ makes me think what kind of person Kim Taeyeon’s girlfriend is. Which makes me sigh. Which makes me think harder. Which makes my face into a thinking mode. Which makes me (again) doesn’t realize that Taeyeon’s already sitting in front of me with a mug of coffee.

 

“Fany-ah? Are you okay? You’re mad at me for being late, aren’t you?” she looks sad and sorry but…. still cute.

“No, no. It’s okay, Tae. I’m just……. thinking.”

“Thinking about what?”

You and your girlfriend.

“Work.”

“Oh. Want to talk about it?” she says in a gentle voice.

“Let’s talk about something else.”

“Sure.”

This will hurt but I want to know. I need to know.

“How’s your girlfriend doing?”

She looks a little bit surprise. Although we talk about a lot of things, but we never talk about relationships before.

“Well that’s out of the blue.” Small smile on her face.

I just want to know what kind of a person you love.

I shrug, “I think we’re close enough by now to talk about that.”

She smiles wider, “We are.”       

I sip my almost-cold hot coffee while looking at her, giving her a sign to continue talking.

“Well, my girlfriend is….” She looks away from me and lean her back on her chair, “my savior.”

 

I can hear the crack on my heart.

“Why is that?”

I’m a stupid masochist. But I still want to know.

She set this forlorn-but-trying-not-to-look-like-it gaze on me now, “It’s a long story, though. You really want to know?”

No use crying over spilled milk. I asked her first. So I nod and brace myself.    

 

 

 

I got home feeling more tired than ever. Listening and pretending that I’m totally fine and not jealous or heartbroken at all are exhausting.

 

Taeyeon told me her story and it started from her high school years. Apparently she was dating her senior and got engaged right after her high school graduation (parents not totally agreed, but they didn’t set a date for the wedding yet, so I guess they let it slide. Taeyeon didn’t tell me much about this). But then he cheated on her and broke off the engagement. It happened in her early college days and what makes it worse, most of her friends went to study in the big city and she’s not the kind of person who can make friends easily.

 

So when this girl started to accompany her, befriended her, and practically always by her side 24/7, she instantly depends on her and falls in love with her.    

Her family was against it at first. But they didn’t disown her or something bad like that. They just never talk about her love life.

So Kim Taeyeon’s college years were not that happy. She even said it’s her darkest days.  

But this girl saved Kim Taeyeon from her darkest days.

It’s a beautiful love story about a damsel in distress being saved by another damsel.

 

But no, not for me. It’s a y love story since I’m not the main character. I should be the damsel, whichever one is it.

After hearing Taeyeon told me about her girlfriend, I felt defeated. I can’t beat her. I can’t beat her heroine.

 

Should I just stop being her friend?

 

The device on my purse vibrates. I take it out and it’s a text from Taeyeon.

Taeyeon: Hi, Fany-ah. You’re home, right? Safe and sound? You should just let me drive you home next time :( Anyway, thank you for listening today. You’re a rare human being, Tiffany Hwang hehehe I’m so glad I have you as a friend ;)

 

I’m helpless. I can’t just disappear from Kim Taeyeon’s life now that she finds a friend in me. It’ll make her sad and I don’t want to make her feel sad.

 

But……… how about me?

 

*

 

Tiffany is such a good friend, isn’t she? Nobody ever ask me about my girlfriend before. Well, Soonkyu and Jessica did, but we’d end up arguing afterward. So it’s really nice when Tiffany asks. She’s a great listener and I feel comfortable with her.

 

It’s a little bit out of the ordinary for me, to find a friend this easy. To trust someone this fast.

 

But I guess Tiffany Hwang is one of a kind.