I didn’t see Taeyeon or heard from her for a week. She’s clearly avoiding me and I don’t know what to do either. Although I miss her and our lunches, but I couldn’t exactly text her and pretend like nothing happened.

My colleagues ask me why suddenly I can join them for lunch 5 days in a row. I told them what I did and they suggest that I talk it out with Taeyeon. At least let her know why I kissed her instead of blaming it on alcohol.

Confessed to her? She didn’t even look for me for these past days. It’s clear that she doesn’t want any contact with me anymore. A confession would be useless. Embarrassing even. There’s no way she’ll like me back.  

I didn’t go anywhere on the weekend, opting to be depress at home rather than being envious of every couple I’d see out there.

I’m watching a rerun of a show on Sunday evening when Yuri comes home.

She raises her eyebrows when she sees me, “You didn’t move from that couch since this morning.”  

“It’s an interesting show.” I answer without looking at her.

She sits beside me, “You didn’t go anywhere yesterday either.”

I shrugged, “Not in the mood to go anywhere.”

“You’re always in the mood to go out. What’s going on?”

I let out a sigh. Yuri’s been quite busy this week, I haven’t had the chance to talk to her. Maybe she has better suggestion than Sunny or my colleagues.

So I told her what happened last week.

“Wow, you really kissed her?”

I nod, “And Sunny is right. Taeyeon didn’t contact me at all this week.”

“Did you contact her?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Well I don’t know what to say to her.”

“Just explain why you kiss her. Tell her you have feelings for her.”

“It’ll be hopeless, Yuri-ah. She has a girlfriend, remember? She only sees me as a friend.”  

“Honestly, sometimes I feel like she doesn’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think she likes you too and not just as a friend. I mean the constant lunches, dinners and coffees. Friends don’t hang out that often you know.”

I stay quiet and Yuri speaks again, “Just talk to her. Even if she doesn’t like you back, would you still want to be her friend?”

“Yes. But what if she’s the one who doesn’t want to?”

“You’ll never know if you don’t ask her directly.”

She has a point. Now the only thing I need is the courage to do it.   

*

Wednesday. I haven’t got that courage. I’ve been rearranging words and thinking of what I should say or how should I say it.

But I got nothing. I’m still scared and confused.

Suddenly my cellphone vibrates. I close my laptop because it’s almost lunch anyway and I can’t focus on my work.

I lean back on my chair and check my cellphone.

There’s a text with only one word and a question mark. What makes my heart accelerates more is the sender.

Taeyeon: Lunch?

Calm down, Tiffany. Deep breaths.

OMG! To hell with breaths! What should I reply?!

Am I ready to face her now? Now as in N.O.W.?

My hands start to sweat. But................ it’s now or never. I shall go with it. Okay. Be cool. Just keep it together!

Me: Sure. Where?

*

Our eyes meet the moment I step inside the restaurant. I feel the familiar butterflies on my stomach every time I see her. She smiles cutely and I smile back nervously.

Her eyes are on me while I make my way to the table until I sit down in front of her.

“H-hi.”

Damn stutter. Cool it, Hwang!

“Hey. How have you been?” she asks.

I clear my throat before answering, “I’m fine. You?”

She shrugs, “Okay, I guess.”

She guessed? What does that mean? And honestly, I can’t read her expression right now. Is she angry? Is she happy? I have no idea.

We fall into a suffocating silence. Ugh I hate this. It’s so awkward! Should I just tell her right now that I like her?

I can feel my heart’s beating even faster now.

“What do you want to order, Fany-ah?” she gestures at the menu in front of me.

“Um....” I pick up the menu.  

“Everything looks good.”

“Yeah.”

I look up at her and she’s looking down at her menu.

It’s awkward silence again. I need to talk about it right now. Or this seemingly invisible awkwardness between us will always be there.

I put down my menu.

“Taeyeon, we need to talk.”

She looks up at me.

Oh, God. Okay, here we go.

“I.... I need to tell you something and.... explain what happened that Saturday.”

“About that kiss?”

I blush instantly and manage a nod but avert my gaze to the collar of her shirt. Looking straight at her eyes while talking about this is too much.

Before I can open my mouth, she speaks again, “Do you like me, Tiffany? Not in a friendship or platonic context?”

This is going far from what I imagine, but easier nonetheless. Since I don’t even need to say anything and only need to nod. I brace myself to look at her in the eyes and I can’t decipher her expression right now. So I guess I need to explain it to her. 

“I-I’m really sorry. I do like you, Taeyeon-ah. But I shouldn’t kiss you like that. The champagne.. I-I mean I hadn’t eaten anything and.... it’s a lame excuse but I know you have a girlfriend and..”   

“I broke up with my girlfriend.”

I widen my eyes, “What?!”

“I broke up with my girlfriend.”

“I-I heard you. But I mean..... why? Is not because.... because that S-Saturday....”

“That Saturday. ” she inhales as if remembering something terrible, “I caught her cheating on me.”

My eyes widen more if it’s even possible. How dare that girl cheated on Taeyeon! That bitc-

“I decided to go back to my hometown and surprised her that Saturday. But who knew? I was the one who got the surprise. It’s not entirely her fault though. I guess the moment I move here, everything started to fell apart and we’re just not meant for each other. If we were, then distance won’t make her unfaithful to me.”

I’m at loss for words. She doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore? This is truly good news for me, but she must be sad. At least I have to be a little sympathetic, shouldn’t I?

“I’m sorry to hear that, Taeyeon-ah.”

She dismisses it with a wave of her hand, “Don’t be. I’m fine. It’s kind of strange that I wasn’t as sad as I thought I was, but I’ve been thinking these last couple of days and I think I know why.”

She smiles the smile that makes me hope.  

“I think I like you too, Fany-ah.”

I inhale sharply. My mind goes blank.

“But....”

Oh how I hate that word so much.