This is a sequel for "Bend and break" (chapter 11), so if you haven't read it yet, go read that one first! ^^

Woohyun had no idea what he was feeling. If he had to use words to describe his current state, they would probably be along the lines of ‘frozen’, ‘lost’, maybe ‘captivated’. He just stood there, on his bed, a song blasting in repeat in his headphones. His leader’s song. A leader he had obviously played with a little bit too much.

I love you but want you gone

He shook his head and threw his headphones at the other end of the room, where they collided with the wall with a sound that still wasn’t loud enough for his liking. And suddenly, he felt like he was suffocating. There, in his little, windowless room, he felt the darkness of the dusty corners coming closer until they trapped him, pressed on his chest until he couldn’t fill his lungs anymore and tears formed in his eyes. He didn’t know what was happening, but he had to get out of there. He grabbed his phone, a sweater and stormed out of the apartment. He walked and walked, he didn’t know where he was going and he didn’t know why. But it didn’t matter, really. All he needed was to clear his mind.

Everything around him was a blurry, noisy, tangled mess, reflecting the state of his mind. He couldn’t understand. It was all a game, always had been. He had said it the very first time they had kissed, in that shady club. Sunggyu wouldn’t have even let him do it if it weren’t the case. But one thing was sure: he had never done anything the other didn’t consent with. And he thought they were both happy with the situation. They were still friends and they had a way to vent out the stress. He knew Sunggyu needed to take his leader’s mask off sometimes and he was the one to do that in all these occasions. And that was the moment he enjoyed the most, every single time – the change. That moment when he saw something in Sunggyu’s eyes surrender to him. He gave up the natural superiority his leader status and his age gave him, gave up his responsibilities, gave up his common sense. It was in these moments that the man looked at him with that expectant expression, replacing his reticent one. Sunggyu submitted to him and Woohyun was more than happy to take advantage of it.

But Sunggyu had grown fond and sick of it at the same time and it was all over. Woohyun wasn’t really bothered by it at the beginning; his life went on as usual. However, after a few days, he realized something – he wasn’t having his dose of Sunggyu, in any form. He had always had a soft spot for the eldest, always hugging him and bothering him, letting every change in his expressions sink in. And later, when they had started their thrilling relationship, that didn’t change. He was still getting drunk on every little detail of his features, on every breathy sound he made in these moments when all his pride was long forgotten and all his senses were on Woohyun. But the younger felt frustrated, in more than one way. He couldn’t get close to the elder. He hadn’t really tried, but the message of the song was clear enough, along with the constant avoidance. If before was a chase, now was the exact opposite – they were two lines, and if their paths had crossed at one point, they were now only getting farther away with every passing day.

Woohyun decided then, that he didn’t like that feeling – the feeling of having something missing, lacking. And if his best friend wasn’t going to be there for him anymore, then he just needed someone new to keep him entertained. He started to go out more and more, the drinks always more numerous than the time before. He lost his thoughts, his doubts and his emptiness on the dancefloor, in a crossroad between the warm bodies pressed against him, the deafening, addictive music and the colorful liquids that burned his throat. He lost his reasoning and awareness in between the playful hands and persuasive lips of a stranger whose face he wouldn’t remember the next day. He lost his clothes in between the hot skin against his and the cold, faded walls of a small bathroom booth. And yet, every single time, in between the rushing, buzzing, warm state of pleasant drunkenness and the harsh, painful sobriety that was brought in by the morning, all he lost was his self-esteem and sanity.

It took him a few months to realize that his constant partying and numerous one-night stands weren’t doing him any good. They didn’t help the loneliness, the emptiness Sunggyu had left. He realized that, one night, when he was dropping kisses along the neck of a handsome stranger, pressing him against the wall, and a few words that he had been trying to forget for months suddenly crossed his mind.

I love you but want you gone

He stumbled back, looking at the stranger in front of him with wide, scared eyes. In a couple of seconds, he had pushed him out of the booth and locked himself in once again. There, he started to cry, his whole body shaken up by the sobs. He had been stupid. He had been blind. It all appeared so clear to him all of a sudden.

If he kept his eyes open every single time he was feeling someone’s skin against his, it was because he was afraid to see Sunggyu’s face drawing itself on his eyelids if he closed them. If he avoided going back to the dorm as much as he could, it was because he didn’t need a reminder of what he had lost in Sunggyu’s sad eyes. If he couldn’t wash away the feeling of loneliness and emptiness with any of these strangers, it was because all he needed was Sunggyu. Sunggyu, Sunggyu, Sunggyu.

Sunggyu was all he could think about and he hated himself for not realizing sooner that it had always been the case. Because that one night, when he told Sunggyu to let go, it wasn’t because he was his leader, his best friend and he needed that feeling of forbidden – no, that wasn’t him. He did it because he knew Sunggyu needed it, he knew him enough to see it in his eyes and his silences. He did it because Sunggyu was gorgeous, talented, smart, confident. He did it because, to him, Sunggyu was simply precious. And that was the feeling that overtook him when, after having tasted the other’s sweet breath and quickening heartbeat in the small hallway of that club, he swept the other’s messy bangs to the side and dropped a small, careful kiss on his forehead before putting him down and going back into the excited crowd.

He typed as many words as he could on his cellphone at that time, his ears vaguely registering the loud noises of the crowd. For the first time in so long, when he got back to the dorm that day, his gaze crossed his leader’s one, only to be avoided a second after. He spent the next day in a studio and the day after begging the CEO to let him perform his song at their following concert, two weeks later.

You were a muse, a chase, an addiction

All were blinded, misused, all my actions

The need of the thrill was always in you

And drowning in sin was all I could do

But now I wonder

At the end of the chase

How long will it take

For you to forget the taste of my name?

When it’s all done, but nothing’s said

When you’re all gone and I’m afraid

Will you remember the first day

And that light kiss on your forehead

Maybe I realized it too late

But I think the reason wears your name

I lost my mind, and you, even myself

Wasted my time, and you, I was with them

Forgetting you in a sea of faces

Forcing out what only time erases

But now a man’s down

It’s the end of the chase

How long will it take

For you to forget the taste of my name?

When it’s all done, but nothing’s said

When you’re all gone and I’m afraid

Will you remember the first day

And that light kiss on your forehead

Maybe I realized it too late

But I think the reason wears your name

Will you let me wake you up?

I tucked you in so many times

You were so right to say goodbye

I ran away, we were messed up

But will you let me wake you up?

Will you let me wake you up?

Now it’s all done, still nothing said

Are you all gone? ‘Cause I’m afraid

Please never forget the first day

It was my kiss on your forehead

I’m sure I realized it too late

Now I know the reason wears your name

I’m sure I realized it too late

Won’t you forgive me for my mistakes?

He climbed off the stage, drenched in bitter sweat and salty tears. Then, before he could understand anything, he was taken in a big hug and found Sunggyu sobbing in the crook of his neck. He immediately wrapped his arms around him tightly, afraid it was all an illusion and would all disappear. He passed a hand through the other’s soft hair and breathed in the familiar scent of Sunggyu.

“Hyung, don’t say you want me gone anymore, please. I… I’m sorry, I should’ve realized it long ago, but I’m just… Woohyun. Just stupid, blind, idiot Woohyun. And I love you, hyung.”

The next day, Sunggyu woke up to the sight of Woohyun smiling down at him, his arms carefully holding him against his warm chest.

The chase is over and we’re both down

The poison’s reached us, runs in the wound

But nothing really matters now

Because we’re in each other’s arms

~ Piou0102 ~

So, here is part 2 of "Bend and break"... It was kind of hard to write, because I really wanted to keep the same atmosphere as in the first part and I'm not sure it worked...? I really hope you liked it though! :)