She’s been promised and she promised. If she will change her decision right now, things will get chaotic. The sight of Chanyeol that night flashes in her mind, the tremble of his voice and his endless fear about losing her nags her.

She felt selfish if she will try to take back what she can’t remember. It’s like dancing with your ears closed while your partner enjoys the music. It doesn’t feel right; she has to keep on living.

Perhaps this craving for the truth is her sole key to move on. That night at the gazebo is a mistake. Something she should not dwell on. She needs to clear her mind before she settles for real.

“I can’t do that. I cannot back out,” she removes Fei’s grip on her hands. “I know it will hurt him again; but I cannot just sacrifice my happiness as well. If he really wants me to be happy, he will understand my decision. Yes, he will not suffer if I choose him, but I will be the one suffering. He will be moving on with his life with me while I grasp for memories so I can join him. I know making new memories are the best; but we can never erase the fact that you will try to repeat what you have done before. It’s like we are back to square one as you have said,” Sooyoung explains.

“But isn’t that great? He will be helping you recover the memories you lost? It’s like tracing back your fairytale story once again,” Fei insists.

“Tracing back with another color, not the same color we had before. Do you think it will not burden him or hurt him seeing me getting hurt as I try to recover my memories?”

Fei bit her lower lip, tears streaking down her face. “Sooyoung, please,” she begs again.

“No,” Sooyoung holds her hands, “please understand. It will hurt him seeing me getting hurt as I try every day of our lives. Yes, I will hurt him today, perhaps it may last for a few months but it will heal. There may be scar but it will not hurt anymore.”

Fei can only cry as Sooyoung pulls her in a tight hug. “I understand how much you all want his happiness and I am thankful that he has friends like you. Friends who will never let him down,” she casts Luhan a look. The pretty boy can only lower his gaze. Sooyoung knows that he is just holding back his tears.

“Can I see him?” she asks after parting from Fei.

The two of them nods. She slowly walks to get inside his bedroom.

The lampshade is the only light inside the room. He looks so pale and it crushes her heart. She will be hurting an already sick person but this is the only way or he will never move on.

She sits on the bed, holding his large hand with both of hers. His breathing is even, his face very calm which etched a smile on her lips.

“Kris, I hope you can hear me; if not I hope it reaches in your dreams,” she starts, “Not all that is lost can be recovered; not everyone is entitled with a second chance. You and I are here but we have needs that are completely opposite. You want something in the past, something we can’t retrieve anymore and I want something for my future. I’m sorry I can’t recover my memories; I’m sorry that I am hurting you and believe me I am hurting too. But this is not the past; we are in the present. I may have loved you, but I love Chanyeol and will always do so. I’m so sorry Kris,” then she starts to sob again.

Before she could wake him up, she stands to leave but he held her back. With eyes still closed, he spoke, “Then please stay; even just for tonight.”

It’s heart breaking to hear his strained voice. Her conscience made the best of it that she finds herself staying.  She finally let herself cry when she sees a glistening tear falling from his closed eyes.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

She can’t remember how she ends up beside him. The information she heard yesterday filled her mind once again. It hurts; really hurts to see all of this happening. She pulls herself and prepares to leave. She needs space and she will endeavor a few days or probably weeks to be alone and clear and settle her mind. She grabs the pen and a paper on his desk and wrote a short message.

I hope this thing doesn’t change what we have today. I hope we can still be friends. And I sincerely wish you find the woman who will erase the pain and the heart ache I brought to you; someone who will give you the reason to move on; someone who will fill in the loss you have been feeling. When that day comes, I hope you will let me know. It’s time you open up for the world so it can help you with finding your great and true love.

She signed her name neatly at the bottom. With one last look at him, she finally steps out the door, out of his pad. The sky is still dark; it’s four in the morning and she needs to getback to their place topack up. If Chanyeol chances upon her leave, it will be impossible to do so.

She has no definite place in mind but she will stop by where she will have the desire to stop by. It will be better to not tell them so she can freely think of things on her own.

When she arrives at their place, she packs some clothes, personal belongings and other necessary things. She grabs a pen and a paper and wrote a message for Chanyeol as well; she doesn’t want to alarm him.

I will be away for the meantime, for how long, I don’t know either. I just need the time and space to be alone. You don’t have to look for me, I promise I will be careful and take care of myself. Please give me this time. I am not running away, I will not do that. I promised to marry and I will do so. I love you; just trust me this time.

 After signing, she left her phone atop the letter and grabs her things. She chose to use the worn out car her parents have been using before. At least that one will not give away much about her. People may recognize her car.

~0~0~0~0~0~0~

She’s already on the road as the sun starts to shine. She opens her window, letting the cool morning breeze touch her. It made her feel a bit better. The change of environment may be the thing she really needs.

She just kept on driving with no particular direction. She used the local airport heading to Mokpo. She loans for a car and kept on driving. After a day