I lay down on the bed in my hotel room thinking over what happened between Seungri and me. Where did I go wrong? Was I moving too fast for him? Does he hate me now? I flinched at my last question. It IS possible that he hates me. I sighed with exasperation.

I remember the time when I first realized that I was in love with him. I would never forget that moment of realization: full of happiness and relief to finally find out that I was not a crazy psycho, but also filled with disappointment and anxiousness due to the fact that Seungri might not feel that way about me. I have always wondered what would have happened if I had not done what I had done.

FLASHBACK (Big Bang Documentary times)

“Hyung, can I borrow your jeans?” Seungri poked his head into my room, scaring the wits out of me. I stumbled and hit my head on my table lamp, flinching at the sudden pain.

“Aish! Later, alright maknae? I have to practice this dance for tomorrow, dammit!”

I heard him scoff and he let himself in to search through my wardrobe. “Whatever.”

“Dude, why don’t you use your own clothes? It’s not as if you hadn’t run out!” His wardrobe was practically twice the size of mine.

“Hyung has nice clothes.” I turned around to yell at him some more but he was giving me his famous cute smile (with an additional wink) that melts the hearts of our noona fans and our miscellaneous fanboys. I always felt uncomfortable whenever he said that. Of course I was flattered, but there was something else that stirred inside me that was rather foreign for a guy like me. Moreover, he was not wearing a shirt, showing off his nicely sculpted abdominal muscles. It was difficult to imagine our scrawny little Seungri with abs, but there they were.

I managed to look away quickly and snapped out of my uncomfortable state of mind, and continued to bicker at him. “I know I do, but don’t use compliments to use them! Use your own jeans! You bought the exact same pair, remember?”

“It’s in the wash,” he replied quietly.

It was my turn to scoff. What a lie. I gave up trying to change his mind, however. He was always trying to borrow my clothes even if he had the EXACT SAME PAIR! Geez, he was practically glued beside me whenever we went shopping, and always bought the exact same thing I did. It was so annoying sometimes, especially since the fans started rumours that I was copying his style when it was actually the other way around. I got used to it after a while, though; I was even a little proud of the fact that the maknae looked up to me more than the others. However, I was dancing perfectly well until he interrupted without knocking which made me extra irritated.

“Here it is!” I heard Seungri throw my jeans on the bed.

“Yah, Seungri-ah I said to use yo—” I was cut off when I saw that Seungri was changing, with only his boxers on. He did that all the time, but the last couple times were a bit… different. I saw his skinny legs, thin waist, and knobby knees that still remained after weeks of exercise. I remembered how frustrated he was when he just seemed never to gain any muscle except on his stomach, and smiled at how cute he was back then.

To avoid awkwardness, I turned back trying to remember the steps where I left off, frustrated. I just forgot all of the dance moves because of the inconsiderate maknae.

“There! How do I look, GD?”

I turned back with a groan. So much for practicing this dance today. When I saw him, I must tell you that I was bewildered. Positioned in his newest pose (flailing fingers and all), he was wearing a white muscle shirt with my newest pair of dark blue skinny jeans. He looked so adorable and scrawny like the Seungri that I knew for so long. He was so cute. Luckily, I kept a straight face and told him that he looked good.

“Thanks Hyung, but I know that I look good.” Why you little—

“Yah, you asked for my opinion!”

“Oh… right. Good luck on your dance!” And he ran out the door.

“Arrogant maknae!” I yelled after him. When he was out of ear’s reach, I chuckled to myself. He might be an arrogant maknae, but he was sure an adorable one! Although I was the closest to Taeyang, I loved talking and fooling around with him as well. There was something about him that attracted me the first time I saw him. I was almost going crazy trying to find out what the hell my problem with him was.

“Oh and by the way, we have dance practice in five minutes,” he poked his head back into the room before running off again.

I suppressed another groan. I didn’t even have the chance to practice properly before the instructor would check. I fell onto my bed, defeated.

Fortunately, in two minutes I was all ready to head off to the studio, and found all five of the other trainees waiting there for me. As we made our way there, I couldn’t help but peek at how cool Seungri was in the corner of my eye. I almost bumped into a wall doing so, which made me snap my head back into reality. I was doing this a lot these days. Was I going crazy or something? I checked my forehead but found no fever. What the hell?

At dance practice, Seungri and Taeyang were always the best, Seungri with his smooth and quick moves while Taeyang had his hardcore break-dancing style. I was alright, but nothing compared to those two who always competed on who was the better dancer. I always thought Seungri was better (sorry Taeyang) but everybody else thought otherwise. I was so busy staring at Seungri that I stopped dancing. Taeyang, who was beside me, nudged me back into reality and I continued from where I left off; I looked at him in appreciation but he looked worried about me. I rolled my eyes at him as he frowned.

At break, me and Seungri fooled around as usual and took funny pictures of us with our phones. My favourite one was the one when both of us made a heart between us while smiling sweetly. It was always an endearing picture in my eyes.

“OK, boys, back to practice!” the instructor hollered at us.

Both of us groaned and attempted to stand up. However, Seungri beside me stood up too quickly and was about to fall backwards due to imbalance. To prevent his fall, I grabbed his hand, which sent a jolt of electricity up my hand for some peculiar reason, and pulled him towards me. What I didn’t realize was that I, too, was unstable on my aching feet, and instead of my predicted results, I ended falling right on top of Seungri.

Our faces inches from each other, I got a good look into his eyes and suddenly knew what was bothering me for so many sleepless nights and awkward days. It might seem crazy, but right at that moment I knew what my problem with Seungri was. It was the reason why I kept looking at him, the reason why I loved hanging out with him, and why I admired his skills most. It was because I loved him… not as a brother like I thought I did, but as a lover. OMO, I just realized that I was homoual!

“Get up, guys!” hollered our dance instructor.

I quickly got off of him, blushing like crazy, and walked over to my spot in between Taeyang and TOP. Although I was happy I knew the reason for my insecurity with Seungri, it was only a matter of time before I would be going crazy trying to keep my secret from him. Crap. Taeyang raised an eyebrow at me while I forced smile (which was met with the same results; damn Taeyang).

END OF FLASHBACK

I smiled at the memory. It was rather romantic and idealistic, but that was how it happened: love at umpteenth sight. Who would have thought that I found my true love when I fell on top of him during our training together as singers? Not to mention the fact that he was a guy, something that really confused me. A while after that dream, however, I started going crazy over what to do with my little “discovery” about myself. I remember laying in bed for hours on end thinking over what the hell I should do about it, every time coming to no conclusion. It is said that love is stronger than anything. I hope this saying stays true to its word.
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Comment so that I have enough confidence to post the next chapter. I already have five chapters ready.