Review
It Takes Courage
It Takes Courage by ava_lava
http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_lava/
Reviewed by m_girl07 @ AAC
Title 4/5
-Your title relates a lot to your story because of their situation, they needed courage to come out and reveal the truth to their fans. I also liked how you incorporated the phrase at the very end of your story too, nicely done!
Forewords 10/10
-Your foreword is great=D! You’ve broken down all the characters, included a brief summary and even had an author’s note. This way, readers know what to expect.
Plot 17/20
-Your plot was pretty good; you had quite a bit of conflict so it kept your readers wanting more. There were just a few things that seemed to contradict each other or maybe you didn’t take note of it? In chapter 11, GD called her Hyori but she was pretending to be Ji Song and no one knew her real identity yet. Also, you mentioned that Taeyang’s girlfriend/wife was a medical student but she was a part-time journalist? That doesn’t make any sense because you can’t be in two occupations that have no relation to each other. I’m in journalism and like going to medical school, you have to go to journalism school.
Originality 3/5
-I’ve actually read quite a few fanfics already and yours is actually quite similar to the rest of them. It’s about them being afraid of what others might think and how they’re trying to repress their feelings. But that bit with the exchange of their hearts was pretty unique, in a good way=p.
Grammar/Spellings/Transitions 12/15
-You were able to transcend properly from scene to scene and you knew how to spell your words=). However, there were grammatical errors where sometimes you used the worng tense and other times, you were missing words. I’ll show you what I mean:
“Can’t you see, Maknae, that I love you?” (Chapter 1)
-Remove the first comma before “Maknae”, you don’t need a pause there.
“Wow, that was anticlimactic.” (Chapter 3)
-“Anti-climatic” has a dash in between.
“After GD left, there was dead silence save for eating utensils clinking against the plates and other hardware.” (Chapter 3)
-You have to reword the end of your sentence because you used the wrong words for it: “…there was dead silence, except for the eating utensils clinking against other plates and the other supplies.”
“How did you think of Seungri?” (Chapter 7)
-“How did” should be replaced with “what do”.
“I wonder how GD feels at the moment since I have ran away from him for the second time.” (Chapter 12)
-“I have run away” would sound better if it was “I’ve run” because it’s past tense.
“I would never forget that moment of realization…” (Chapter 14)
-“Would” should be “will” because would means it happened in the past but they’re saying that they won’t forget so it should be present tense.
“What is going to do?” (Chapter 19)
-You’re missing a subject between “is” and “going”. You should put in a he, she or I.
“Do you know when your heart starts beating faster when GD is around? Do you know how you start to miss his presence when he is NOT around? Do you know how you always cried whenever you thought that you couldn’t be with him? Do you know how you seemed so happy before when you were still playing around with Jiyong? Do you know all of those happy and loving dreams that you had with GD? That was me, Seung hyun. I did all of those in you. That was the only way to tell you.” (Chapter 21)
-There are a lot of tenses that need to be changed. The idea is there but because of that, the paragraph doesn’t flow: “Did you know your heart starts beating faster when GD is around? Did you know you start to miss his presence when he is NOT around? Did you know you’ve always cried whenever you thought that you couldn’t be with him? Did you know you seemed so happy when you were still playing around with Jiyong? You know all of those happy and loving dreams that you had with GD? That was me, Seung hyun. I did all of those. That was the only way to tell you.”
Flow 10/10
-I thought you had great flow and organized everything fairly well! Nothing seemed to be out of place and there were no sudden jumps.
Choice of Words/Idioms/Quotes 8/10
-You had quite a few quotes that stood out when I read them and your choice of wording for each situation matched for the most part. It was just your grammatical errors that disrupted the flow of it.
Details/Settings/Characterization 13/15
-Like I said before, I think you’ve done a pretty good job with detailing and describing your surroundings but it could’ve been more visual. As for characterization, I had a pretty good idea of who they all were and what they were like.
Enjoyable 8/10
-I would say I enjoyed it because I love Big Bang XD! Plus, there was always something happening so it kept it interesting=).
Over All Score 85/100
http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ava_lava/
Reviewed by m_girl07 @ AAC
Title 4/5
-Your title relates a lot to your story because of their situation, they needed courage to come out and reveal the truth to their fans. I also liked how you incorporated the phrase at the very end of your story too, nicely done!
Forewords 10/10
-Your foreword is great=D! You’ve broken down all the characters, included a brief summary and even had an author’s note. This way, readers know what to expect.
Plot 17/20
-Your plot was pretty good; you had quite a bit of conflict so it kept your readers wanting more. There were just a few things that seemed to contradict each other or maybe you didn’t take note of it? In chapter 11, GD called her Hyori but she was pretending to be Ji Song and no one knew her real identity yet. Also, you mentioned that Taeyang’s girlfriend/wife was a medical student but she was a part-time journalist? That doesn’t make any sense because you can’t be in two occupations that have no relation to each other. I’m in journalism and like going to medical school, you have to go to journalism school.
Originality 3/5
-I’ve actually read quite a few fanfics already and yours is actually quite similar to the rest of them. It’s about them being afraid of what others might think and how they’re trying to repress their feelings. But that bit with the exchange of their hearts was pretty unique, in a good way=p.
Grammar/Spellings/Transitions 12/15
-You were able to transcend properly from scene to scene and you knew how to spell your words=). However, there were grammatical errors where sometimes you used the worng tense and other times, you were missing words. I’ll show you what I mean:
“Can’t you see, Maknae, that I love you?” (Chapter 1)
-Remove the first comma before “Maknae”, you don’t need a pause there.
“Wow, that was anticlimactic.” (Chapter 3)
-“Anti-climatic” has a dash in between.
“After GD left, there was dead silence save for eating utensils clinking against the plates and other hardware.” (Chapter 3)
-You have to reword the end of your sentence because you used the wrong words for it: “…there was dead silence, except for the eating utensils clinking against other plates and the other supplies.”
“How did you think of Seungri?” (Chapter 7)
-“How did” should be replaced with “what do”.
“I wonder how GD feels at the moment since I have ran away from him for the second time.” (Chapter 12)
-“I have run away” would sound better if it was “I’ve run” because it’s past tense.
“I would never forget that moment of realization…” (Chapter 14)
-“Would” should be “will” because would means it happened in the past but they’re saying that they won’t forget so it should be present tense.
“What is going to do?” (Chapter 19)
-You’re missing a subject between “is” and “going”. You should put in a he, she or I.
“Do you know when your heart starts beating faster when GD is around? Do you know how you start to miss his presence when he is NOT around? Do you know how you always cried whenever you thought that you couldn’t be with him? Do you know how you seemed so happy before when you were still playing around with Jiyong? Do you know all of those happy and loving dreams that you had with GD? That was me, Seung hyun. I did all of those in you. That was the only way to tell you.” (Chapter 21)
-There are a lot of tenses that need to be changed. The idea is there but because of that, the paragraph doesn’t flow: “Did you know your heart starts beating faster when GD is around? Did you know you start to miss his presence when he is NOT around? Did you know you’ve always cried whenever you thought that you couldn’t be with him? Did you know you seemed so happy when you were still playing around with Jiyong? You know all of those happy and loving dreams that you had with GD? That was me, Seung hyun. I did all of those. That was the only way to tell you.”
Flow 10/10
-I thought you had great flow and organized everything fairly well! Nothing seemed to be out of place and there were no sudden jumps.
Choice of Words/Idioms/Quotes 8/10
-You had quite a few quotes that stood out when I read them and your choice of wording for each situation matched for the most part. It was just your grammatical errors that disrupted the flow of it.
Details/Settings/Characterization 13/15
-Like I said before, I think you’ve done a pretty good job with detailing and describing your surroundings but it could’ve been more visual. As for characterization, I had a pretty good idea of who they all were and what they were like.
Enjoyable 8/10
-I would say I enjoyed it because I love Big Bang XD! Plus, there was always something happening so it kept it interesting=).
Over All Score 85/100
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Thank you so much m_girl07!!! I feel as if I have already learned so much from you. I'll be paying attention to those grammatical errors next time. Thank you!
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