Story Title: You've Got Stardust In Your Eyes
Reviewer: NorthMelon
Author: kwon-oumi

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WARNING! WHAT YOU MAY READ IN THIS REVIEW MAY BE HARD TO TAKE IN DUE TO HARSHNESS AND HONESTY. BRACE YOURSELF.

FIRST IMPRESSION

How effective was the title?

To be honest, this title is really long and it wasn't very effective because this "stardust" had nothing to do with the overall story. It would've been nice if you made some references to it and explain some of the meaning behind your title but so far, you haven't done so.

Poster and BG layout? (Only if you have one. If you don't have one, you will not be assessed on it)

The poster is okay but because there really wasn't anything in the poster that help set the mood for this story.

Foreword and description: Did it draw me into wanting to read more?

The foreword was good. It was pretty interesting because you hinted at things but didn't give too much away. This is a personal pet peeve but I don't like how you just have this character description. It gives too much information away about the characters which leave no space for readers to find more or be curious about the character's background.

STORY

How was the plot laid out?

The plot layout was done well. The overall idea of what you wanted the plot to be was really well protrayed. I can easily understand what was going on and the plot was quite suspenseful.

How was the pacing of the story? Was it draggy or was it rushed through? 

Your story is going too fast. I understand that you are trying to get things to move but you’re starting to get impatient with your own story. I think that Jiyong is figuring his love for Seunghyun way too fast. Like, you have included different time periods like “3 months later” but to consider that so many things are going on, especially since you’re changing POVs so often, your story and time period needs to be extended over a much longer time period. Also, Hyeyoon’s reaction and confront to Jiyong about being lesbian is way too direct which sped things up too much. You detailedly explained Dami and Hyeyoon POVs in the 15th and 16th chapter but it wasn’t really effective when you did it all at once. You should’ve done little by little throughout all of your chapters so that the readers can start piecing things together themselves. Doing this raises no suspense because you’re flatly telling everyone what’s going on through the characters' heads simultaneously while readers might be wondering about the other characters as well. You also need to elaborte more on how the characters thought about certain things for example, how do they feel about knowing that Jiyong is gay? The pacing is generally the same for the rest of your story so I’m not going to say more.

Was the characterization consistent?

The characterization was very consistent. I could easily emphasize with the character without being confused as to how the character might've felt in the moment.

Was the story flow fluent? Was it choppy or was it smooth?

Your story flow was pretty choppy considering the amount of confusion it has raised as I read your story. It wasn’t consistent with the way you made the story flow. Your 12th chapter is a good example. You kept jumping back and forth a lot from the character’s mind to what was really going on in their lives. If you were to write in anything about what the character was thinking, put it in italics so that it’s more clear and less confusing. You also suddenly added Hyeyoon’s POV in there in chapter 15 which was inconsistent. You should’ve put in more of her POV from the beginning. For example, as Seunghyun was telling her his side of the story, there was room for her thoughts as he spoke. By doing so, you could've made the story less confusing.

Your order of events were a little confusing and I'll elaborate more on that idea later on. But if I were you, I would’ve switched chapter 14 and 15 around and then go into Dami’s perspective of what happened afterwards so that the story flow would’ve made more sense. I would also switch around 18 and 19 so that things would’ve made more sense instead of just writing “flashback”. If you really wanted to do something similar to that so that you could reveal previous things later on in the story, it would’ve been more effective if you did a short recap (copy and paste the cliffhanger from the previous chapter) and then continue on with the story by writing “earlier”.

Also, I understand that Chapter 9 was intended to be an April Fool's joke but that discouraged me from reading any further because it didn't make any sense regarding the story and for late people who just go straight into the next chapter, it's confusing since they have it frech in their minds that that just happened.

How did you organize your events? Was it in order or was it all over the place?

In the story:
We went back to the dining room to find a fuming Seunghyun sitting there alone. He tried to force a smile on his face but he failed, he must be really upset... was that because of Hyeyoon? Is that why she left?

"You're here! I started getting worried! is everything okey?"

"We're sorry... It's just that Jiyong's friend got into a car accident in Japan, they couldn't reach him so they asked me to tell him about it. He should take the plane right now to see him" she lied... looking at him with her familiar puppy eyes "Good night Oppa!" She kissed him and walked toward the front door dragging me behind her. Am I supposed to kiss him too when we'll meet and when we'll say goodbye? WOW A.M.A.Z.I.N.G !

He walked us to the door and said goodbye.

"I won't kiss him! Errrrrr D.I.S.G.U.S.T.I.N.G!" Actually, I won't kiss him because I'm afraid I won't be able to stop once I'll start kissing him.

"Jiyong-ah please! Just bear it for me! Please! It's not like it will be your first time kissing him! Pleaaaaaaaase please please please!" She begged while squeezing my hand.

"I'll think about it later! Now let go of my hand and stop squeezing it! Wanna kill us?"

"Thank you Jiyong-ah! Just go to my house after you drop me in the airport... You will find everything you may need there, plus, Seunghyun Oppa is gonna come get you from there tomorrow at 10AM! Don't make him wait so long! I'll make sure to wake you up at 7AM so that you'll be ready at time!" She smirked.
(From Chapter 11)

Your passage here is way too confusing. I had no idea what was going on. One minute, they’re in the dining room and the next, I have no idea what’s happening. I’m about to get really harsh here so please don’t take this personally but your transitions are really bad. You’re switching from setting to setting, from time to time, without any warning which makes it hard and confusing for the readers. I suggest you use things like this: ~ or add in a horizontal line to indicate a time change or setting change because it is very confusing the way you laid everything out. Sometimes you would space things out a little further to indicate a change but it’s not obvious enough nor was it consistent enough for the readers to understand what’s going on.

Your order of events were really confusing too. In chapter 14, you talked about how Hyeyoon said that she was going to break up with Jiyong but then you gave a completely different perspective of her in chapter 15.

How effective was the ending of each chapter? Did it leave me wanting to read more?

The cliffhangers were well done because it did intrigue me into wanting to read more. However, some of your cliff hangers failed to do that because it ended the chapter in a non-suspenseful way.

ie. "I nodded as I smiled and hugged him, and we went home and got married and lived happily forever!"

This kind of ending failed to draw my attention and kind of discouraged me to read it. Although I can understand why you did so, it was still unappealing and bored me.

MECHANICS

Grammar and Spelling?

You have made a lot of mistakes throughout your story although they are pretty minor. Here are examples of a few.

 

Spelling:

ie. "Do you by any chance remeber his son?, the one that they kept on pairing up with me?" (Chapter 1).

 

You spelt “remember” wrong. You also have a lot of other typos here and there but I think you are able to find them on your own.

 

I also noticed a consistent spelling error though. When you write the word ok, it’s supposed to be “Okay” not “Okey”

 

Grammar:

ie. “What was they talking about? What was that thing he did before and won't do it anymore?” (Chapter 10).

 

I’m assuming you didn’t know, since you made this mistake more than once but “was” is singular and “were” is plural.

 

For example, a time you would use “was”:

“I was about to go shopping, but I decided to stay home and update on AFF instead.”

 

An example of using “were”:

“They were deciding on a new layout for the shop and now the shop looks better than before.”

 

 

 

When you write, can you try to avoid using the actual sound (ie THUD) in your story because it really looks unprofessional (not like this is professional writing) but it’s a good practice. Or, if you really want to use the word “thud”, then use it as if you were describing what the character was hearing instead of suddenly writing it in capital letters all of a sudden.

 

ie. instead of writing *THUD*, write:

 

I stormed away, not wanting to hear him say anymore than I wanted to hear when he suddenly cut himself off with an alarming thud.

 

ie. “She really loves you, so you do.” (Chapter 18).

It should’ve been written as “so do you.”

Use of Transition Words? (It helps with the flow from paragraph to paragraph so it doesn't seem choppy)

Really, you didn't many transition words which lead to the story being really choppy at times. I suggest you add those in when you edit.

How did I like it overall? Further Comments?

I'm so so sorry if this review was really harsh but please don't take any of this into offense. These are all my personal opinions and peeves so I can get picky at times.
But overall, I really like your story plot and general direction you want this story to head. This is really interesting but small details are what's really important. It shows the amount of time and effort that you put into writing this story which makes readers think that you are really considerate about what your readers are reading. Your readers will really appreciate that because I know I will.

Since you asked me to grade this, I would give you a 80/100

Great story and a fantastic read though! It was very entertaining and enjoyable.

I hope you liked your review and thank you for requesting! ^^

 

 

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