Story Title: Hi~ You're My Crush!
Reviewer: NorthMelon
Author:mickeywihoutears

FIRST IMPRESSION

How effective was the title?

Your title automatically gave me the idea that this story is going to be cute and funny. Normally, I dislike long titles like this but your title gave the right feel and atmosphere to your story and prepared the readers to what they're in for so in fact, I actually really like it. And all your words were all just one syllable and it's an easy phrase to remember, making your story quite eye-catching.

Poster and BG layout? (Only if you have one. If you don't have one, you will not be assessed on it)

You poster and BG set the mood very nicely for your story. It matched your title as well so I thought that it was very well done.

Foreword and description: Did it draw me into wanting to read more?

Your description gave a little sneak peak into the story which I really liked but what I didn't like was that it was in second person. It's not consistent with the rest of your story therefore, it kind of threw me off afterwards when I read the first chapter because I was expecting the rest of it to be in second person. 
Also, I think that whatever you wrote in the description should be in your foreword because your foreword's purpose is to do exactly what you put for your description. The description should be short and should be able to "hook" your readers into reading more. Before you enter a story on AFF, the description is just below the title (where the story link is). That is there for the readers to quickly glance at to have an idea and curiosity into the story to click into your sotry to continue reading. However, you pretty much put the prologue there instead, making it lengthy and uneye-cathching. 

STORY

How was the plot laid out?

You have a little bit of a plot so far. Majority is just how MinWoo and ShinAe keep having a crush on each other but they aren't saying anything about it. And then there's Zelo who's trying to pair her up with JongUp but that's pretty much it. In other words, I'm finding your story very draggy. You're not moving along with the story and I think you should write more about JongUp's perspective of ShinAe to create more tension and excitement for the readers. But so far, it's just been busing and then school. You already have 9 chapters written, although each of them are pretty short, it's still dragging. This will result in boring the readers because they will think that their is not going to be any suspense until you release like, 5 more chapters. Therefore, in order to keep your readers on their toes, you need to move the story along and start creating more and more suspense. 

How was the pacing of the story? Was it draggy or was it rushed through? 

Like I said, because the story isn't really moving, there is no suspense so it's getting a little draggy. 

Was the characterization consistent?

Your characterization is somewhat consistent. MinWoo is being portrayed as a very cute and shy boy but you're having him do actions like holding ShinAe back from jaywalking which can sometimes throw the readers off. This will have readers misinterpret your characters and this will also cause unconsistency with your characters as well.

Was the story flow fluent? Was it choppy or was it smooth?

Your story flow is fluent so far but like I said, everything seems like it's stuck in one place so not much tension has been created to change the flow of your story.

How did you organize your events? Was it in order or was it all over the place?

Again, you don't have many events going on so the organizaton is fine so far.

How effective was the ending of each chapter? Did it leave me wanting to read more?

Your endings, I must say, are actually pretty good. They have a really nice cliffhanger, leaving your readers sitting at the edge of their seats. Well done!
 

MECHANICS

Grammar and Spelling?

You had a variety of different types of grammar mistakes so I'll just give you a couple of examples from your text and give you the reasons as I go along. Of course, I wouldn't point out every little mistake only because they're repetitive. But those reasons are there for you to use as reference so you understand what you did wrong and then apply what you've understood when you go and proofreed.

Chapter 7
What you wrote: They got really nervous and shy, they didn't dare to look at each other.
Suggestion: They got really nervous and shy. They didn't dare to look at each other.
Reason: You wrote something that sounded like two separate sentences but you placed a comma (,) instead of a period (.) Thus, although you put a pause there, it still sounds like a run-on.

What you wrote: The bus soon came and they settled on the seats at the back of the bus.
Suggestion: Soon, the bus arrived and they settled at the back of the bus.
Reason: The first part was just a simple grammar issue. Since the story is mostly written in third person and not first, the bus didn't physically come to you but was, in fact, to the characters. Therefore, you wouldn't write "came" but instead, you would write "arrived". The second part was that when you're on the bus, you're either standing or you're sitting. Most often, if you're going to the back of the bus, you'll most likely be sitting anyways. But since you wrote "settled" already, the reader would automatically assume that the characters are sitting so adding "on the seats" really wasn't necessary. 

What you wrote: As though he remembered something depressing, he looked down, his smile fading.
Suggestion: As if he remembered something depressing, he looked down and his smile faded.
Reason: Simple change of words from "though" to "if".This is just sentence fluency. As for the other correction, you used too many commas in such a short sentence. Not only doesn't it sound fluent, but it also looks a little unorganized to put so many pauses in one sentence. Therefore, I suggest you to replace the commas with either "and", "as" or "while" in situations like this.

Chapter 9

What you wrote: It took a while for ShinAe to recover from the surprise she got and she just couldn't help it but to smile and nod vigorously at JongUp's question.
Suggestion: It took a while for ShinAe to recover from the surprise she felt. She just couldn't help but to smile and nod vigorously to JongUp's question.
Reason: So, this sentence was a run-on so as shown here as an example, I have cut it short. One thing about emotions though. Emotions are more feelings and less like something you get. That's why I replaced "got" with "felt". As for the "it" was an extra word so I took it out. Also, I don't think you understand when to use "to" or "at" in this next mistake. When you smile (or laugh, frown, etc), you can't smile "at" something that isn't there (such as a question) because you can't physically see it but you can smile "to" it. Do you understand what I mean? As for "smiling at", you can smile "at" animate and inanimate objects because you can physically see the object. So, that's the difference between using "to" and "at".

What you wrote: As JongUp called Minwoo on his phone, ShinAe quickly got to her feet and rushed to the toilet to clean herself up.
Suggestion: As JongUp called MinWoo on his phone, ShinAe quickly got to her feet and rushed into the bathroom to clean herself up.
Reason: I changed "toilet" to "bathroom" only because it sounds weird to to clean yourself up at the toilet. It sounds like she's using the actual toilet bowl to clean herself up. But what you meant was that she was in the bathroom, at the sink. Also, "bathroom" sounds a little more plesant than straight up saying "the toilet". "Restroom" or "washroom" are other good alternatives.

Use of Transition Words? (It helps with the flow from paragraph to paragraph so it doesn't seem choppy)

You didn't have many transition words throughout your story but you managed to write it in a way so that it wasn't choppy. Although that's a nice skill to have, I still suggest you add some in to help with the story flow a little bit more. 

How did I like it overall? Further Comments?

Your story overall was very enjoyable. I really like your story ideas and it was a pretty good read. I must say one thing though. You put a legend about the character's thoughts to help readers understand who's thinking when but after the legend, you never followed through with it making it somewhat confusing sometimes. Other than that everything was great!

I apologize for taking so long to do your review, all our lives got very busy so we're really behind in terms of finishing off the reviews. I'm so sorry! OTL

But thank you for requesting!

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