Chapter Twenty-Nine: Reticent

reticent: inclined to keep one's thoughts and feelings to oneself; restrained

~*~

Jongdae jumped when his phone vibrated against the nightstand. After wiping his tears, he grabbed his phone and checked who it was from. It was none other than Baekhyun.

Other Half: hey you awake?

Jongdae: yeah

Other Half: i miss you

Jongdae: i miss you too

Other Half: are you upset at me? is that why you've been avoiding me?

Jongdae: i've been busy with school

Jongdae: does it seem like i'm avoiding you?

Other Half: sometimes but i understand. school's a

Other Half: you okay?

Jongdae: ofc, why wouldn't i be? :)

Other Half: i'm worried about you

Jongdae: well i'm doing perfectly ok. there's nothing to worry about

In all honesty, Jongdae wanted to tell Baekhyun his feelings, about how he would be moving because he couldn't handle the tension in the house anymore. Jongdae wanted Baekhyun beside him to comfort him, but Jongdae couldn't find the courage to ask him. Jongdae knew Baekhyun would feel responsible and take the blame and unnecessary guilt, so Jongdae kept quiet to himself. Jongdae was avoiding Baekhyun. Sometimes during lunch at school, Jongdae would hide in the library or stay in the restrooms longer than necessary. He didn't think Baekhyun would notice.

Jongdae's shoulders trembled as fresh tears emerged from his eyes. He set his phone down on the bed and wiped his cheeks. He wanted to be alone.

His phone suddenly vibrated when Baekhyun called him. Panicking, Jongdae attempted to clear his throat and rid of any evidence that he'd been crying. After about the fifth ring, Jongdae answered his phone, "Hello?"

"Hey, you mind letting me in? I'm outside and it's kind of cold."

Jongdae slowly sat upright, "What? You're here? Why? Do you know what time it is?" Jongdae didn't and glanced over at the clock. It was an hour after midnight.

"Yeah, I figured he'd be asleep and you can sneak me in, but I can always head back."

"Just wait, I'll be down soon."

Jongdae carefully crept downstairs and cracked the front door open where Baekhyun was standing out on the porch with his hands stuffed in his coat pockets. Even in the dim lighting provided by the porch light, Baekhyun could tell Jongdae had been crying. "Don't make any noise," Jongdae whispered. Baekhyun nodded, not that he'd planned to alert Jongdae's parents of his presence. "And take your shoes upstairs with you."

After shutting Jongdae's bedroom door and making sure it was locked, Baekhyun tightly embraced Jongdae, the former on the verge of tears. "Why didn't you tell me you were having a hard time? I'll always try to be here for you, don't you know that?"

"I was trying to be strong," Jongdae choked out. Unable to hold back, Jongdae broke into a sob, his cries muffled against Baekhyun's coat.

Maybe he was wrong; maybe he did need Baekhyun's presence.

---

Haeun heard the shuffle of feet, followed by a door closing. Curious, she crept out of bed and exited the bedroom. From the other side of her son's bedroom door, she heard the unmistakeable sounds of someone crying. Her Jongdae was crying... but he rarely cried. She strained her ears to listen when a voice spoke, incomprehensible from where she stood. Jongdae's voice, however, was more clear and loud.

"I know. I'm sorry, I just..."

"Shh, shh, it's okay."

It broke her heart. Her son was crying and she could do nothing. In the past, Jongdae was careful to approach her when he was upset. If it was something he could handle, or thought he could, he would, but if it became too much, Jongdae always asked for help. She didn't want to come off as too strong or protective, her kids hated that, nor did she want to obtrude. Baekhyun was there for a reason; Jongdae probably needed someone, so he called Baekhyun over.

Haeun returned to her bed. She eyed the sleeping figure of her husband, wondering if he felt anything at all. She did consider leaving with Jongdae, but in order not to tear their family apart, Jongdae said he would move in with Jongdeok.

---

"You don't have to struggle alone," Baekhyun whispered, "I'm here to share your worries. You've helped me tremendously ever since we met, let me do the same for you."

On one hand, Jongdae wanted Baekhyun to hold him and help him escape from the harsh reality if only for a brief moment, to tell him he was loved, to hold his hand and trace along the creases of his palm. Jongdae wanted to Baekhyun to help him, he truly did. It was easier with someone by your side. Baekhyun was his boyfriend, his friend and support.

Despite his desire to be with Baekhyun, Jongdae knew it would solve nothing. He didn't want to involve Baekhyun into his family drama. His father hated Baekhyun and highly disapproved of their relationship. Nothing could fix that any time soon. They could try as hard as they wished, but what was the point at talking to a wall? Nothing would change his father's mind.

How Jongdae wished his parents were as accepting and loving as Baekhyun's, but Jongdae was grateful Baekhyun had such caring and supportive parents. At least it had turned out that way, that it was Baekhyun's parents who embraced their son and his boyfriend. Jongdae was happy and relieved for Baekhyun, that Baekhyun didn't have Kim Taehyun for a father.

Yet, Jongdae felt a flicker of jealousy, another reason why he felt like a million-year-old disgusting piece of . He wouldn't have needed to find a job, nor beg his brother for a place to stay. The thought had crossed Jongdae's mind -- to end things with Baekhyun. As quickly as it had come, it vanished. He couldn't leave Baekhyun because it  meant letting his father win and Jongdae refused to give up his happiness. Jongdae had also agreed to Baekbeom's request to take care of Baekhyun.

Jongdae once read that life wasn't easy and if it seemed so, expect something lurking around the corner.

"I love you," Jongdae said softly, his head nestled against Baekhyun's neck. He planted a kiss on Baekhyun's shoulder before adding, "Thank you for being here, with me."

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be." Baekhyun tilted his head to the left until his cheek pressed against the top of Jongdae's head. "Get some sleep, okay?"

"You too."

"And I love you, too."

Baekhyun was awake the next morning soon after the sun rose and illuminated Jongdae's bedroom, but Jongdae remained asleep for a longer while. At first, Baekhyun remained as still as he could while he occupied himself with his phone, but then he had to pee. Thankfully, Jongdae rolled over to the other side of the bed and Baekhyun snuck out, cautious to be as quiet as possible and to avoid being seen.

On his way back, Baekhyun kept his head down and sped into the bedroom. "Jongdae," a voice said from behind him and he froze in place, his hands inches from the door. "Did you have a nice time with Baekhyun last night?" Baekhyun slowly nodded, hoping Jongdae's mother was looking at him, but also hoping she wasn't because she would surely recognize him. "That's good to hear."

Baekhyun slipped into the bedroom and shut the door behind him with a relieved sigh. Jongdae was still asleep although it was a few minutes past 8 AM. He crept over to Jongdae and knelt down, resting his chin on the edge of the bed. He was about to say something to get Jongdae to wake up, but Baekhyun didn't have the heart. Instead, he stood right back up and looked around for a pen and paper, but when Baekhyun grabbed a pen from the cup he accidentally knocked the cup and its contents over. That was enough to wake Jongdae.

"What are you doing?" Jongdae grumbled after seeing it was Baekhyun hunched over his desk and not a burglar. 

"I was going to write you a love note," Baekhyun chuckled.

Jongdae sat up in the bed. "Oh hey, since you're here, I wanted to ask if you wanted any of my clothes before I threw them out."

"Late summer cleaning? Sure-- wait, would I even fit them?"

"I don't know," Jongdae replied. "You can pick whichever you want to try and keep, then donate the rest." He hopped off the bed and rummaged through his closet for the clothes he had yet to take down. He set them on his bed and kicked a box of clothes away from the wall.

Baekhyun took a navy blue cardigan and slipped his arms through. He admired himself in the mirror. "Hell yeah, this looks great on me." Baekhyun continued to try on clothing after clothing. Jongdae thought it was interesting how Baekhyun seemed rather excited for someone who was getting hand-me-down clothing.

All the pants save two pairs of sweats fit and Baekhyun kept at least more than half the tops. While Baekhyun was occupied was dressing up and down, Jongdae found three beanies hiding in the back of the closet that he figured he would never wear again; Baekhyun kept all three.

"You're crazy," was what Jongdae said as he watched Baekhyun fold all the clothes and set them in the box. "I honestly thought you would keep a shirt or two and the rest would be donations."

"Yeah, well I'm thinking of throwing out some of the ones I rarely wear. Plus, your clothes smell just like you. I freaking love it."

"Oh? And how do you plan to sneak out carrying a large box?"

Baekhyun didn't respond right away. "You could call Kyungsoo over and have Kyungsoo take them out. He can also distract your parents while I slip out."

"Actually, I think--"

A sharp knock came from the door. "Jongdae! Shopping list's on the fridge. I'm heading to see my mother. Your father just left for the office. Something came up. See you later, love!"

"Okay!" Jongdae shouted.

"Well, that solves our problem," Baekhyun said cheerfully. 

"What about transportation? You're going to carry the box all the way home?"

A frown crossed Baekhyun's face. "Right. Do you have any bags? I can take whatever fits and come back later for the rest."

Jongdae found a few large tote bags and a couple of empty backpacks and together with Baekhyun, they filled as much as they could, which, surprisingly, was everything Baekhyun wanted. They would only have to make one trip. They took a taxi to Baekhyun's home and Jongdae decided to stay there for a bit. 

What was supposed to be an hour turned to three. All of Jongdae's old clothes, now Baekhyun's new clothes, were washed and dried. The boys had had pancakes for breakfast together with Baekhyun's parents before hiding away in Baekhyun's bedroom.

Jongdae swiveled back and forth on the chair while Baekhyun hung up his new laundry. "I'm sorry I ran off," Jongdae said with regret. "I was being over dramatic."

"No, no," Baekhyun said, "don't apologize. I pressured you into an uncomfortable situation." Baekhyun fell into his closet after a failed attempt to reach the hanger at the far left end. He sighed and turned to Jongdae, "Can't you help me? It'll be a lot faster."

"But you don't like it when I help you." Jongdae ended up by Baekhyun's side anyway and they spent a whole two hours fixing up Baekhyun's closet. Unlike Jongdae who didn't care which way his shirts faced when he hung them up, Baekhyun demanded everything face toward the left. "You should pay me for this," Jongdae joked, but Baekhyun had responded in a tone where Jongdae was unsure if his boyfriend was being sarcastic or not.

"I was planning to, 4000 won per item."

Half of Jongdae hoped Baekhyun was serious, the half not so much. The extra money would help, especially if Baekhyun were to indeed pay him 4000 won per item. Baekhyun noticed the silence and turned to Jongdae, "I don't mind. That's like a great deal for me, considering these are limited edition because they've been worn by you." As if for emphasis, Baekhyun pressed a sweater against his face and inhaled.

A laugh escaped Jongdae's lips, only because he understood what Baekhyun was talking about. "You're funny."

"I'm serious."

"But that's a lot. You took about 20 items."

"Actually, 21," Baekhyun smiled, "and if I'm doing my math right, that's 84,000 won for you right there. Easy money! And to think you were going to just give them away for free. I'll make it 90 since you're providing me service."

"Am I your client or your boyfriend?" Jongdae frowned, his arms crossed.

Baekhyun almost didn't reply because he thought it was a stupid question to which the both of them knew the answer. He looked to Jongdae for a brief moment before deciding that answering the question would prevent their relationship from any harm. "You're my one and only love, but nice people get stepped on in this world."

"You're nice."

"I meant overly nice people, like you," Baekhyun said with a gentle tap on Jongdae's nose.

"Kindness can go a long way."

"It could also trap you." Baekhyun slid his arms around Jongdae's waist and pulled Jongdae against him to dispell the thick, heavy air. "I'm sorry. If you don't want the money, I'll keep it."

That only made Jongdae feel worse than he already felt. One, he needed the money, but didn't want to accept it; two, it felt like Jongdae had popped Baekhyun's helium-filled balloon and was accepting one filled with plain, normal air; three, nothing ever seemed to go right between the two anymore, as if there would always be something to nitpick about.

"Buy me dinner and we can call it even," Jongdae said. He pecked Baekhyun on the cheek and stepped away.

~~~

"Oh, by the way," Kyungsoo said when he spotted Baekhyun down the hall, "I told him you weren't planning to attend the class field trip."

Jongdae saw Baekhyun a second too late. Their eyes met from across the hall. Jongdae cringed as his boyfriend sped toward him. 

"You aren't going?" were the first words out of Baekhyun's mouth. He took Jongdae by the arms, "But we begged the teacher for the four person tent. If you're not going, they're gonna throw in a random dude with us! Jongdae! I can't sleep with a random dude!"

"Actually," Kyungsoo said, "they'll most likely take you out and add in another pair with me and Chanyeol. Then you'll get a random buddy all to yourself." Kyungsoo wasn't quite sure if either of his friends had heard him.

Baekhyun released his boyfriend from his iron grip, "Why aren't you going?"

"I have to help Jongdeok with something that weekend."

"That same weekend? Is it that important?"

Seeing that neither were paying him any attention, Kyungsoo walked off.

"I'm sorry," Jongdae said and he meant it. He had been looking forward to the end-of-the-year class camping trip. "I'll make it up to you."

"You make it sound like I was the only reason you were going."

Jongdae forced out a laugh that caused both young men to cringe. The only reason his laughter ceased was because of the look Baekhyun shot him.

"I was right, wasn't I?" Baekhyun said. "Funny, because the only reason I was going was because you were going, but look what happened."

"Baek, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me."

"Three wishes," Baekhyun declared, jamming a finger against Jongdae's chest. "You owe me three wishes when I get back."

Jongdae nodded eagerly, "If that's what makes you feel better, okay -- I'll be your genie." He flashed his thumbs up. Baekhyun returned the gesture before before scurrying away, but of course, not without a quick pat on Jongdae's .

---

"Damn, how many albums do you have?" Jongdeok grunted when the box weighed much heavier than he had expected. "You told me you sold some."

"I said 'one'." Jongdae gripped onto the opposite end of the box and together they hauled it onto the back of Joonmyun's truck. "I enjoy collecting things."

"You're a pack rat, that's what you are."

Joonmyeon joined the brothers with a small but heavy box. "You think in fifty years any of this stuff will be worth anything?" Jongdeok laughed and punched Jongdae on the shoulder before returning into the house. Joonmyeon carefully set the box down. Turning to Jongdae, he said, "I thought you got rid of most of your things."

"Mostly clothes. I'm still trying to sell some other items. It's hard when no one's looking to buy," Jongdae said.

After filling the back of the truck and Jongdeok's car, Jongdeok got inside his car by himself while Jongdae joined Joonmyeon in the truck. "Do you think your father really would have kicked you out?" Joonmyeon asked. "My parents used to say like that all the time, but it was all bark."

"Doesn't matter, I hate living under the same roof as him." Jongdae peeked in the sideview mirror to see if Jongdeok was still behind them. He started fidgeting with the air vent until Joonmyeon called him on it. "You think not telling Baekhyun will be all right?"

"Honestly, no. He doesn't like people keeping secrets from him. Who does right? But if you feel the need to hide it from him, that's your call."

"I lied to him. He's going to kill me."

"Why not just go with the truth?"

"Because it's Baekhyun. If I were to tell him I thought someone was stalking me, he'd hire a detective. Or a hitman."

Joonmyeon laughed incredulously. "Baekhyun? I can't say I know what it's like dating him, but I've witnessed the way he defends his friends."

Jongdae thanked Joonmyeon for helping him move once everything was inside the little room he was to call his new home. Most of the boxes remained shut and stacked in the corner. Some likely wouldn't be opened any time soon. Jongdae made sure to keep his school supplies separate. They were set by a small desk against the bed. He found his mini mounting tape and pulled out a picture of Baekhyun and him. It was taken on the day they went out riding the tandem bicycle together. Jongdae was in love with the broad grin on Baekhyun's face; he had the photo printed out and pinned to his wall in his old bedroom by his bed so he could roll over in bed to stare at Baekhyun whenever he missed him. 

He positioned the photo as straight as he could using the desk's surface as a reference.

"Already decorating?" Jongdeok asked before plopping onto the bed. "Ahh, it feels good to lie down after a hard day of hauling junk."

Jongdae agreed before joining his brother on the bed. "You're really going to do it?"

"Hey, Baekbeom is one my best friends," Jongdeok said, "and if I were the true culprit, even if it was an accident, I have to take responsibility. It's not fair for Baekbeom to waste his life for a crime he didn't commit. He's already been in there long enough."

"You really think Dad's going to let you do it? Ever since Baekhyun and I started dating, he's kind of had this personal resentment toward the Byuns."

"His job as a defense attorney comes first; I had to remind him of that."

"He's letting you do it?" Jongdae said in surprise. 

"Yeah, if you give him a good enough reason, you can convince him to try. Didn't work for you and Baekhyun because you didn't try. You didn't even put up a fight, did you?"

Jongdeok always made Jongdae out to be weak and helpless. It may have been true that Jongdae was more obedient to their parents than Jongdeok, but Jongdae wasn't the kind of person to let people walk all over him, not even his parents.

"Well actually," Jongdeok said, "I think you moving out was a smart move. It goes to show you're not going to take from him. Plus, you can take care of my stuff while I'm gone."

"Do you..." Jongdae nervously wet his lips. Was it too weird to ask the question on his mind? He turned his head in the opposite direction of Jongdeok, eyes tracing the outlines of his boxes.

"No. We're just friends. We don't swing that way, bro. He's got a wife. I... don't have much time for dating."

It wasn't until later after their agreement to move in together that Jongdeok revealed his plan to Jongdae. At first, Jongdae was rather hesitant because he wasn't exactly prepared to live on his own, but he weighed the pros and cons of staying with his father and moving out. His desire to avoid his father trumped all cons, hence the reason he was lying in a small single-bedroom beside his older brother.

"Sorry if I dragged you here," Jongdeok whispered. "I've made sure to leave you enough money and if you run short--"

"I'll improvise," Jongdae interrupted.

"--contact Minseok or Luhan," Jongdeok continued, "or if it comes down to it, Bohye offered to help too, but I'd rather you not ask her."

The two remained quiet after that, neither speaking nor budging. They stared up at the ceiling in wonder and fear of what the future would hold, and not only for them but everyone else around them. They would make it work. They had to.

~~~

"How was it?"

"Could have been worse," Baekhyun said with a frown. "I took Kyungsoo from Chanyeol and we got our own tent." He went on telling Jongdae about how there games and prizes but nothing special that Jongdae missed out on. The four person tent had began flooding the second night. Luckily for Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, and Chanyeol, neither of them ended up sleeping in the larger tent.

"Ah, see! It was a good thing I didn't go."

Baekhyun nodded. He picked up a piece of meat with his chopsticks and dropped it onto Jongdae's plate. He repeated the action until Jongdae stabbed at Baekhyun's chopsticks with his own and that was how a chopstick war began. It ended several seconds later when a piece of meat fell on the table.

"Look what you did," Baekhyun gasped. He snatched the meat and quickly devoured it. Jongdae stared with wide eyes, not believing that Baekhyun -- of all people -- would eat food that landed on the table's surface. "Let's not waste food. I'm paying for everything so I'm going to eat what I can. You should too."

Throughout the night, Baekhyun wanted to ask what Jongdae had to do that past weekend with Jongdeok, but the words refused to leave his mouth. There were warning bells softly ringing in the back of his head, but he decided to ignore them and trust Jongdae. If Jongdae wanted to say something, he would. It could have been a private family matter. Then Baekhyun would feel like he overstepped.

"Have you decided on your wishes?" Jongdae asked.

"About that," Baekhyun smiled, "I gave it some thinking and realized it's a lot harder than I originally thought. I'm still working on it. Your birthday is coming up, do you have any plans?"

"My birthday's in a month, Baek."

"I'm preparing early since I felt like a fool last year. What about a movie and dinner?"

"I can't, I have work."

Baekhyun almost rolled his eyes. "Tell Chanyeol's mother. She'll understand. You know what, I can do it. I'll do it right now." Baekhyun took out his phone and dialed her number. Jongdae ate in silence while Baekhyun spoke to her and succeeded in getting Jongdae the night off.

"Great, I'll get docked for that. And I could have asked her myself."

"I saved you the trouble. Sound good? The movie and dinner?"

Jongdae gave Baekhyun a soft smile. "Sure. Were you thinking out or in?"

"In?" Baekhyun said with hesitation as he recalled the disaster of a date. "We can rent a movie or watch an old one. I'll cook, too! What would you want to eat?"

"Dude, I'm still focusing on tonight's dinner," Jongdae said while he waved his chopstick in the air.

"I'll ask again next month."
 

YIKES I can't believe I went a year without updates. I'm so sorry it took this long, but I'm actually really proud of myself for not quitting (I'll be real honest... it's tempting). It's a small victory for me :D

Sorry to say that there probably won't be another update soon. I'm hoping it won't take me another year. But I was wondering if I should start publishing shorter chapters? I usually keep my chapters at 4-5k words, but I'm pondering if I should start publishing around 2k or if that's too short. This current chapter is barely over 4k words. I also think that when I'm aiming for a wordcount, I add in a lot of unnecessary stuff lmao so shortening the chapters would help me get the story moving on, unless you guys like the turtle pace I'm going at.

Thanks for reading and staying with the story this far! Until next time~ (& sorry for any mistakes I failed to catch)

- June 19, 2017 (Monday)