I was floating inside total darkness. My existence simply becomes air. Where am I? Does it matter when I am already dead?

I know that something is coming for me, in this darkness. I curved my knees and wrapped my arms around them. The sight of Taeyang standing in front of me... I want to keep that memory even if I end up in the pits of hell.

Then, my airlike existence was suddenly in somewhere.

I gasped as I open my eyes like I just came above water craving for air.  ‘She is awake, call the doctor!’ they keep shouting, there was a sudden commotion insdie the room I am in. Someone was holding me by the hand, everything was blurry.

What? Where am I? I kept asking. Who are these people?

Someone was kissing my hand, my forehead. When my eyes adjusted, I see a very frail woman crying just beside me. She keeps saying ‘Thank god, thank god’.

‘Who are you?’ I asked her. The woman was suddenly startled by my question, she suddenly looked confused. Then, the doctor came in. He immediately took my pulse and checked my vitals.

‘You’re going to be just fine’ the doctor said while looking at me.

The woman who was crying a moment ago pulled the doctor somewhere, she seems a bit alarmed. They talked for a moment.

The doctor came to me and put some flash light in my eyes. He ask me move my eyes from left to right. I followed. ‘How many fingers I am using?’ He held his three fingers in my face.

‘Three’ I answered.

‘What is your favorite color?’ The doctor asks again.

‘Red’ I answered.

‘What’s your favorite toy?’

‘Gun’

‘Do you have a pet?’

‘No’

‘Who is the first man on the moon?’

‘Neil Armstrong’

‘Who invented the telephone?’

‘Alexander Graham Bell’

‘6 + 6?’

‘12’

‘What is your name?’

I opened my mouth to answer and then close them again. What’s my name? I should know this; it’s in the back of my head. But, I am not sure. Who am I? And who are they? Why am I in a hospital? Who is that lady crying?

‘Don’t worry… you have been in a coma for the past 2 and a half month. It will come to you’ the doctor said patting me in the head.

I looked outside the window. I think there is something important I am forgetting? My chest hurts somehow.

I suddenly notice my hands, are they mine? There is a cut scar on my wrist, what is this?  I was staring down at it when the woman who was crying a while ago came back. When she saw me staring in my wrist, her footsteps fasten. ‘It’s going to be okay’ she hugged me while crying.

‘Who are you?’ I asked her again. She seemed hurt by my question but she smiled gently.

‘You are my daughter’ she said.

The doctor said that there is nothing wrong in my brain, and that what might be happening to me is selective amnesia. The doctor said that the memories will eventually return, but there is no need to force myself to remember.

***************************

After a week, I was released from the hospital.

I still cannot believe that I am who they say I am. For some reason,  I am not familiar with my own body. When I looked at the mirror, I do not recognize the face it is showing me. ‘Who are you?’ I kept asking while looking at my own reflection.

My mother showed me to my room, it seemed empty and cold. I suddenly felt at peace, my body may have remembered the room.

I looked around but I do not recognize anything that supposed to belong to me.

I lie on the floor, with arms straight on my side. The cold floor… it just felt right.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

I immediately jilted up to my feet when I hear the sound of shattering glasses. I was ready to attack the person in my doorway when I realized it was my mother.

She cried in relief when I jumped up. She was surprise to see me on the floor like a corpse, like the last time, she said in between sobs. This woman looked so fragile like she is going to break if anything happen to this girl… I mean to me. Who am I?

Even though I don’t remember who she is, I don’t want to see her cry. I realize I should not do anything that might worry her.

I helped her picked up the shard of broken glass in my room, she was still sobbing. I sighed not knowing what else to do. Why is she so concerned?

She left the room and told me she is coming back to bring my milk, since she dropped the first one. I just nod my head.

I sat on the study table just across my bed, wondering if there is anything I can remember. I unconsciously started opening drawers.

I found some pictures of high school girls but they were cut to pieces or otherwise there were some red marks scribbled all over them. At the bottom drawer, I found her books and notes. But when I opened it, words are scribbled on most of the pages DIE, , what are these? I looked at them and I find no meaning to it.

I kept looking but I find really nothing that can suggest who I am. Why was I in the hospital? I wonder whether the scar on my wrist is something I did to myself. But, I don’t think I am the type to kill myself. I don’t mind dying though, that I know.

I was sitting on the chair, my head leaning back from my body with eyes staring at the ceiling. Who am I?

Then wind gushes through from the open window, and like some divinity something fell on my face from the top of the book shelf. It was student identification card.

So, I am a high school student at YG academy.  Where is that? I wonder.

My mother came in while I was staring at the identification card. She put the milk in front of me and pats me in the head. ‘You don’t have to go there any more’ she said softly.

‘No, it’s okay. I want to go’ I told her, maybe I can get my memories back if I go there. I was busy in my own thought and didn’t notice the pain that had emerge in my mother’s eyes.

She sighed deeply before leaving my room.

***********************

I don’t know why even the sound of crickets keeps me awake. My consciousness seems to be too aware of my surroundings. Why?

In the quietness of the night, I hear a woman’s sobbing.

I slid out under the bed and followed the sound. I saw my mother in the darker area of the living room, she was the one crying. I walked towards her. When she notice me, she immediately wipe her tears away. ‘You can’t sleep?’ she asked with a big smile on her face.

‘Why are you crying?’ I asked bluntly, my mother smiled without answering and led me to the dining area. She took some ice cream out and gave me a spoon. We ate it without talking, then she suddenly told me ‘If anything happens in the academy… you have to let me know’ she said seriously. I nod my head. ‘No secrets, okay’ she added, I nod again.

I wonder how I live my high school life so far if it worries my mother so much.