Another three months had passed and Christmas was just three days away. Snow covered the streets. I was feeling much better. Hangeng and Heechul had become a great strength to me and the three of us sat together almost every other night and talked about everything that was bothering us but also about the things that made us happy and that we succeeded in. We pretty much knew everything about the other by now and I loved that fact. They made me feel secure and I really started to trust them almost 100% although I still kept the names of my past to myself. It was just better this way and they didn´t try to convince me otherwise... At least most of the time as Heechul was starting to get more and more impatient about this. I smiled to myself when I thought about how Heechul almost flipped tables three days ago when I said my "nicknames" for Kyuhyun, his friend Sungmin, and Donghae. He almost screamed that it was becoming way too confusing when they didn´t know the names. Of course I knew that I would have to tell them names sooner or later but I just wanted to wait for a bit longer.

Because I felt so relaxed at the moment and actually starting to feel happier, it was also easier to be around my four Dongsaengs at the company because I was at peace with myself. I had so much fun with them and they seemed to relax as well. Only Yongguk was really starting to worry me as he didn´t get along with Youngjae at all... or at least didn´t want to get along with him and I really didn´t get why. And when I wanted to talk to him about this, he always found an excuse to leave. Maybe I should be more persistent and really force him to talk to me soon. Himchan really adored Youngjae though which made me smile all the time. And Junhongie was still the quiet and shy and cute guy. Today was the last practice for this year before we would take a break over the holidays. It´s going to be weird to not see those four for two weeks. I was used to being around them. But I shouldn´t think about this right now. We wanted to dance some more. But AGAIN Yongguk wasn´t concentrating well.

"Yongguk, what is wrong with you? This is really an easy step and it´s the last practice this year. I want you to be able to nail these moves!" Again I had to hold back my anger. I saw how Junhong nervously played with the rim of his shirt while looking to me and Yongguk and then back to me again. He didn´t like it when there was tension in the air. That´s what he kept telling me after practises like today when I didn´t hold back some comments. Himchan just sat on the floor while trying to get his breathing back to normal.

"Hyung, maybe we should just take a little break. We´ve been practicing for a an hour nonstop already", Youngjae said while smiling at me. I looked at him and couldn´t hold back a small smile. He always tried to keep me calm and he always succeeded. I was just happy that he never had to step in anymore as neither Donghae nor Kyuhyun showed up in front of the building. And with my worries I luckily could go to Hangeng and Heechul, so I didn´t have to bother him with anything but just be his Hyung and protect him.

"Arraseo, you might be right."

"Why is he allowed to always interfere and make you change? Just talk to me for once and not always let this guy stop you from talking to me!", Yongguk suddenly screamed. Woah, where did that come from? All of us looked shocked to the oldest of my Dongsaengs. I could feel how my rage came boiling up. How could he scream at me when there wasn´t even any reason for it? I took a step forward but already felt Youngjae´s hand on my arm, trying to hold me back before I would say something that I might regret later. Again I calmed down which seemed to make Yongguk even angrier as he stormed out. That was it! I really needed to talk to him now. So I ran after him and made him stop a few meters away from the practice room.

"Yah, would you just finally talk to me?! This is getting out of hand here. You can´t scream at me for nothing and be so angry." His cold stare was shocking me even more.

"Why do you think that anything is wrong?" I was starting to think about what I might have done wrong but I couldn´t think of anything.

"Did I do something wrong? You know I can´t change anything if you don´t at least tell me what it is. I will work on myself if I hurt you in any way or is it..." Was it because of Youngjae? I mean this change in him did actually start when my angel singer joined TSE, right? Or was it even before that and I just didn´t notice it because I was too busy with my own problems?

"Because of this little kid? Yes, it´s because of this arrogant kid. Always thinking that he is oh so intelligent and oh so close to you when he knows nothing about you and nothing about what we can create together because we are close!" Why was he being like this? I still wrote music with him and I still had a lot of time with him alone although I of course also had sinlge lessons with the other members from time to time. I just didn´t get why he was so angry at me and why he seemed to hate Youngjae. Wait, was he jealous?

"Yongguk, Youngjae is a really great kid and I never saw him boasting in front of anyone. Yes, he is a really intelligent kid and he has a great voice but he is also really..."

"See! You´re doing it again! You always just talk so greatly about him and you don´t even realize how this makes others around you feel. I mean you even talked to him about switching companies because you just wanted him to join us so badly. And there is nothing special about..."

"Yah, now you listen to me. He is a great young man with an amazing voice and he is really nice and kind-hearted. I don´t know why you are so jealous but don´t you insult Youngjae any further..."

"Why I´m jealous? Maybe because I love you, you pabo!" He what? I must have misunderstood something. Did he just say that he loved me. It seemed like he would be shocked as well now that he had actually let it out and he ran away. I couldn´t hold him back at the moment although I probably should have done that. Why didn´t I notice anything? I should have drawn a line before he had such feelings for me. Slowly I slid down the wall and sat on the floor. I was so shocked that I first didn´t notice how Youngjae went down to his knees in front of me, taking my hands in his, smiling at me warmly again. Did he hear everything?

I know, I shouldn´t have eavesdropped but I was worried Hyung. Are you okay?" I smiled at him and nodded slowly. "Should I talk to him?" I just shook my head.

"It´s best if we leave him alone for right now until he will be able to calm down a bit. How about you and the other two will go shower now and then I will take you out to dinner like I promised? I think practice is just over for today."

"But Hyung, he just..." I shook my head, still smiling at him. No, I didn´t want to talk to him about what had just happened.

"If you don´t want to confess to me as well, please let it just slide, alright?" He hit me lightly, chuckling shortly.

"Hyung, I could never have such feelings for you. I will get the other two but if there is anything that I can do for you, you can tell me. You know that, right?"

"Arra. Gomawo Youngjae-ah. And now get ready."

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Two hours later, I was sitting all alone with Hangeng in their restaurant as Heechul was still taking care of the last customers that were still there. The boys had left about 10 minutes ago. Youngjae had promised me to take Junhongie home so that I could stay here and talk to my friends without worrying about our maknae. He was luckily playing a great role as well like me so that Junhong and Himchan didn´t notice that anything happened. I guess, they just thought that Yongguk had had a bad day and that everything would be better again after the holidays. Now Hangeng was sitting in front of me, looking at me shocked as well after I told him about the confession of my oldest Dongsaeng.

"Oh wow, that is going to be a problem. You gonna have to tell him straight ahead that he will need to get over this. Otherwise, you can´t be around him anymore as a manager Hyuk-ah." I layed my head down on the table, closing my eyes. I knew he was right but I just didn´t want to stop being his manager or the manager of the others. But if he loved me, how should I stop him? Would he be able to get over everything. "Or you will need to finally think about your feelings and maybe get a boyfriend or anything to really show him that there is no way. This might be tough but it is effective." Oh no. Not this talk again, please.

"But I don´t want to date anyone." I looked up at Hangeng who looked at me skeptically. "What?"

"Riiiiiight, you don´t want to date. But still, you should go and talk to your ex-boyfriend." I knew that he would tell me this again.

"What will this solve? This won´t change anything about the fact that Yongguk fell in love with me."

"No, nothing will help this boy right now except for telling him clearly that you have someone else in your heart because you still haven´t stopped loving your ex-boyfriend as you never talked things through with him." I just rolled my eyes. We have been through this multiple times over the last three months. The two always tried to get me to talk to Kyuhyun at least one more time. "And don´t even dare to tell me otherwise. We are talking about everything openly now but about how much you still care about your mysterious ex-boyfriend. But I can feel it whenever we talk about him, the way you are acting. And I´m also sure that the songs you write and still don´t want to show us are about him as well. You just don´t want us to see how much you miss him." It was so scary how those two could already see my inner thoughts that I always wanted to hide from everyone.

"But I don`t think that I will be able to face my past. I don´t feel like I am strong enough to face him, Hangeng. You are probably right that I will have to face my past but I really don´t feel strong enough for this and I dont feel like feeling down again after months that I finally feel like I can be free again and just think about my own life. Why can´t I just leave my past behind me?"

"Because you´re not leaving your past behind you. You are just ignoring your past and this is something completely different. At some point it will catch up to you again. And I also don´t think that this ex-boyfriend of yours will stay away forever. He will comeback to fight for you once more because he came to you already once. Do you really think that he won´t do this another time?", Heechul suddenly interfered, standing beside us. I hadn´t even noticed that he came over to our table and that we were now alone in the restaurant.

"What my boyfriend wanted to say was that we think that you are strong enough for this step. And as soon as you will have this over with, you will come to celebrate Christmas with us as we will stay here anyways. And from that moment on, you will really be free from your past. No matter if you and your ex-boyfriend will pull through this and get back together or you finally realize that you really have changed and that you want to go on with your lifes. But you won´t know unless you will face your past, Hyuk-ah. Trust us please. We really just want the best for you", Heechul continued. I couldn´t keep looking at those two. Of course I knew that they just wanted the best for me and that they were probably right but still... was I really ready for this? Eomma, what should I do. *If he really is your biggest dream, then fight for him* My eomma´s words echoed in my head once more. In my heart I knew that this was still my biggest dream. He has always been my biggest dream. I clenched my hands into fists and then looked up to my two friends once more.

"Alright, then I´m going to do this!"

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Sooooo my beloved readers, here is the next chapter ^.^ I hope you liked it! Now we know why Yongguk is acting strange or might there be a hidden reason? Do you think Hyukkie will be strong enough to face Kyuhyun? Well, you´ll find out in the next chapter kkk I`m mean, right? MIANHAE ^.~

As always please leave a comment and thank you to all you amazing commentors! You always make me smile ^.^ But also thanks to everyone who reads and subscribes! Love you all~~~~