“EXO’s Kai and F(x)’s Krystal are confirmed dating….” I read the title of the article as tears were trying to come out. Yes...it was all true. It was not fake. It was not a set up by SM to gain the attention of everyone. It was all real because...I was there when they hanged out. I was there with them while they were talking, smiling and laughing with each other. I was there when he came to our dorm just to check up on her. I was the one who brought her to his dorm to celebrate ’s birthday. But I was not there the night they got together because...I declined the lovely invitation to go with them and their friends and used my other friend as an excuse. I was really with my friend that night. She was there lending me a shoulder that I could lean on. She comforted me while I was weeping my heart out. Lastly, she whispered words that I really needed to hear, “It’s going to be okay Amber. We are here for you. You have to move on. The more you hold on to her, the more painful it will be.”

The next day I was on my way to the airport with Shannon to America. I received a text from her right before I had to turn off my phone. “I wish you were there yesterday Am. Everyone was there cheering for Kai--” I gritted my teeth when I saw his name. “--and I but we were missing you. We had a good time and guess what!!! He confessed and asked me to be his girlfriend in front of everybody. I was beyond overjoyed to say yes that I cried. I am sad that you missed all that. I will spare you all the other details until the next time we see each other again. Love you!” I took a deep breath and replied, “Congratulation and I am sorry..”. I turned my phone off after sending that text as we were ready to depart. Shannon smiled and held my hand. I smiled back a little and looked out the window. It is going to be a long while before I come back….

Minutes turned to hours. Hours turned to days, Day turned to weeks. Weeks turn to months. I spent the first month inside my house. I rarely went out or had proper meals in fact I skipped nearly every meal that I could but mum would just force me to eat with the family. The second month it was getting better, Jackie talked some sense into me. But still, I stayed in my bed all day thinking about everything. About life. Is it worth it to be alive? Or is it better if I am dead?

The third month my friends could not stand me being in the house any longer so they came and dressed me up and dragged me out of the house. They took me out to eat even though I did not eat anything. “Amber you have to eat. That girl is nothing but a cancer to you. She brings you nothing but pain...Please like pleeease do this not for us bu for yourself. It hurts us to see you suffering.” Stefanie said crouching down and looked up at me. It hit me then that I was spreading this negative emotion to everyone around me who loved me. Guess I will give life a second chance. They took me to GongCha and to a dimsum place. I could not really swallow things but I tried my best. Foods were like foreign objects to my mouth and stomach. That night, I vomited every single thing I ate back out. I laid on my bed and looked at the picture when the five of us were smiling happily. Because of SM’s selfish idea, Sulli decided to leave the group. That was my first time realizing that this world was cruel and unpredictable.

My friends took me out to the Skate Park and did not forget to bring my skateboard for me. For the first time in months, I felt alive as winds blew when I was riding my board. I did some tricks but then I suddenly remembered when her and I used to ride it together. It was a really bad to remember that because I was in the middle of doing my switch kickflip and as expected, I fell down and scratched my knees. I smiled at my friends assuring them that I was fine. That day was the first day I finally got my mind back and retained my normal self as the bubbly, funny and dorky llama.

This is reallyy painful to write. My writing is getting worse. Im sorry if this disappointed you. It will be a miracle you guys like it. Thank You!