YOUR POV/Soo Jin's

Why does it hurt so much?? Why does it has to be that painful??? Why do I feel that way?? He is not my husband, he is not my boyfriend, he is not my family, he is not even my friend. He is just my patient. But why do I feel that way towards him??? Why?? He is just my patient but why does it hurt so much when I saw him at that bar??

Even if I deny that I don't care about him, I totally can not. I have to be honest to myself, I care for him for I don't know what the hell is the reason. At first, it was becasue of just job, no more, no less. Then..He happened to steal my first kiss. I can not lie to myself that I didn't feel anything about that. Every time I try to close my eyes, that scene keeps on playing in my mind. And I don't even know why. At that time, shock took control of me, I refused to see him for quite awhile. Then, I didn't know why but i found myself was stalking him to the bar. I found myself accepted him to be my patient again.

I thought it was merely becasue I didn't want to fail, I didn't want to know the taste of failure. I thought that maybe I just pity him because of his family condition and his thrauma. That was my firt guess. ANd then, he happened to be so sweet to me and I don't even know his reason, he could be jsut playing around. But I found my heart beat getting fsater whenever he was near me. Then...The night...I happened to be so stupid to give my ity to him. I don't know my certain reason. He was having a very good control of himself but , I screwed all up, I offered myself! I was ing did that, I was so dumb!

But I didn't know why I didn't feel any regret. i didn't feel any resentment towards him. All I could feel at that time was.... Happy?? Somehow I felt that way. Then...I started to question my sanity and my very first reason why I accpepted him back as my patient. It could not be merely because both of the possibility reasons before. I thought myself was crazy and I stopped thinking about that. I started to question why I let him do that, or maybe the rightest is supposed to be 'why I offered myself ??' . Why did I do that?? I was sure he could manage himself, Iw as sure he could control himself, but why did I do that?? Was it beasue I want to test him?? That was absolutely not my reason. Why?? Becasue if I wanted to test him, I would rather ask someone to do that. But no, I didn't do that. So...What amde me do that??

Was it because of lust?? I had lust on him?? Possible. But somehow..Just somehow...I felt the reason for that was same with the reason I accepted him back. And then... Now. Why do I feel this way? I feel hurt inside. I can not stop crying, and I feel like a total looser. When I saw him driving his car in such fast speed, I know something went wrong. i knew he ws going to the bar, I had a strong feeling about that. I didn't even go home first, instead, I took a taxi and cahsed him to the bar. but..too late. I was too late. He was nowhere of my sight, then some random guys tried to seduce me, and I was ing scared. I tried an excuse as I went to the bartender and asked him personally. He refused to answer as he said it was the client's privacy. I had no choice but to use my mind reader power. I then quickly went to that room, number 36. And..I was so shocked ot find him was ing a there. I felt mixed feeling. Anger, frustration, disappointment, regret, and I felt really hurt.

I remembered perfectly when he was kissing the , full of lust and passion. I remembered when he saw me, he didn't look shock at all, instead he said, 'Want me to you too??' . I, I could not stand at there anymore. I slammed the door very hard and decided to just go home. I didn't realize that I have been crying so hard. On the way outside, I emt EXO. They kindly asked why did I cry but I refused to answer. All I wanted to do was just went home, threw myself to the bed, and cried as loud as I could and that is waht exactly I am doing right now. And the fact that I am thinking about him again and again didn't help me at all. All I can feel is hurt, pain, and I grow more frustated for each second. But the thing is... I don't know how to stop my mind about him.

I can not forget that. I try to hit the sack, but every time I close my eyes, he is always there. That hurtful moment. The most frustated thing is..I don't know why I am feeling so hurt. It drives me so crzy and I feel so stupid. I am a top phychologist but why can't I understand myself?? What kind of phychologist I am?? Hell, why can't I just read my mind?? Ugh.. I hate to admit this. It's so embarrassing but... yeah, I fail to know myself. 

But then..Another horrified thing come to my mind. What if..What if I am actually in my denial stage?? What if I actually have a developed feeling towrds him?? WHat if what's wrong isn't my mind but my heart?? WHat if I am actually in love with him? What if the reason why I did all those stupid things is that??That one simple deadly reason?? 

I am not a physchologist for nothing. i know human's basic feeling and based on my knowledge about human... , I show some signs of falling in love. YEah, I show signs that I am in love. I can't stop thinking about him. Even when I was not with him, sometimes i foundmyself was thinking about him. Second, he often appears in all my dreams. Third, whenever I am with him, I always feel my heart beat getting faster, and I sometimes found myself was looking at him. Another sign, I always want to look good in front of him, in both appearance and personality.

Actually... I have predicted some possibilities that might happen if I take him as my patient in the first place. First, I succeed changing him to normal. Second, i fail and he will harm me. Or the third one, the least that I expected would come and happen, I fall in love with him. 

If the third one is really what's happening to me..

What should I do??

How can I act normal in front of him??

How can I be my old self??

how can I try not to get affected?

How can I pretend that everything is same and normal??

How can I stop this feeling?? 

How can I control myself??

And I have one question that I need to know the asnwer. I need to know it, no matter what his answer is. If his answer send me heartbreak, I still can bear it, I guess, at least I know his answer already. I am not hanging like this.

And that question is :

Does he feel the same way towards me??

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So..I decided to make this chapter... ANd the next chapter will be what Jongin felt and thought. I hope this chapter isn't too lame.

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~janeloveexo~