Recap: Taeyeon was home for the holidays and dreamt of a familiar experience involving Jessica.

Taeyeon’s POV:

I was told that a new year meant a new beginning, a fresh start for things that didn’t go right prior. But it started the same way it ended. I didn’t know what made me think that change could happen when I kept things the same, yet it felt just a little bit different.

I contemplated whether I were to stay at home just a little bit longer, but this home was a rotting cage. My ribs homed a heart that wanted to escape, threw itself to anyone that grew most near. I learned now that I can’t run away from my problems because I can’t run away from myself. Love was a terrible thing.

Love held me at gunpoint as it sang my favorite song. Gave a rose with thorns that got me bleeding the kind of love that makes your heart soar. No more than I can ask for.

And I forgot about her. One second at a time, the minute grew closer to an hour as the sun shifted. My love syncopated to the tempo of her voice the first time she said ‘Hello’. I remember how my hands shook as I lent her my mind and body for the last time. How absurd it was that I couldn’t stop thinking about something I had to stop to think about. Love wasn’t everything it’s hyped up to be, yet here I was singing love songs like it were rainbow colored unicorns. I don’t get how it was that I waved a lollipop to promote something to the same sort as a horror film.

Here I am, still in love with her...

“TaeTae, I didn’t expect you to be back so soon. You packed like you’d be there for a month.” Tiffany hugged me the moment I walked inside the dorm, a bit crushing but in many ways welcoming.

“I couldn’t trust that the dorm would hold up that long with you living here all alone,” I teased and soon enough I got the well-deserved slap on the back. “What was that for?”

“That’s for making fun of the one person that tolerates your . And for ignoring your best friend for that long.”  

I could sense the disappointment in her tone even if she waved me off after I gave her a questioning look. She let me go and walked over to the living room as I followed. Tiffany wanted to talk and I knew that I did too.

“I ignored the person I loved for a good two-three years. I think it’s become a bit of a habit,” I nonchalantly answered, taking a seat on the adjacent couch.

“How depressing, boo. Tell me something I don’t know.”

She threw a pillow towards me, similar to how Sunny Bunny would. I can’t put a number to how many times I’ve been hit with that object at this place, but it became a trademark for how to tell me to shut up. At least that’s what it always felt like it meant.

“Well, at New Year’s, I took a nap and I dreamt of my breakup. I felt like leaving the group again for the first time in forever. Anything else you’d like to know?” I took a deep breathe after that, not to prepare myself for what was coming, but to remind myself that it was if and coming.

“I’d like to know why you didn’t text me about this when it happened. You told me you’d call me when you need to tell me something important. This is kind of important to you, and to me.”

Tiffany was on the brink of tears, but the substance remained at bay - not daring to fall, as if to rid me of an advantage. I felt bad that it hurt her while I was being blunt and indifferent about it. But emotions had never been something I had a control over. If I had, perhaps I’d enjoy being alone just a little more.

“You promised me you wouldn’t leave,” she muttered.

“Tiffany, I’m still here. I didn’t call you or text you because I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know how I could. I don’t know what I’m doing nor who or why I’m doing this for. I’m lost like I have been and always will be. As a friend, and not Taeyeon, I want you to tell me what to do.”

“The whole point of what we’re doing was to fix our group. You had the opportunity to leave when Uncle told you to, but you decided to be the knight in shining armor, talking about how you’d fix this. So, I’m holding you accountable for this. I can tell you how you don’t have the right to feel like leaving behind our backs as you’ve made us feel obligated to want to stay. I can tell you how selfish you’ve become. I can tell you everything you’ve done wrong since I met you. But, I won’t. Because as a friend, I know you. You already know what you’re doing wrong. You already know what you want. And I’m not going to tell you what to do otherwise. It’s not my choice. But as a young Miyoung, I’d like to remind you that you aren’t the only one who has lost someone they love. At least you can get her back, but no matter how much I want to, I can’t, and never will be able to.”

I teared up, brawling tears down my face, a broken heart reminded it wasn’t the only one. Tiffany was a crying mess, the second time I’ve had her do so in the pan of a month and she was always keen of cleanliness, taking care of her image like it was a job. When I lost Jessica, I lost a lot of myself and I was insensitive that others have it harder.

This hurt was nothing of what Tiffany had to face. Fany was incredibly humbled and she dedicated her life to this. This was what made her at peace and it was a shame to ever feel like it’s what was tearing me apart. Neither of us mentioned what she was referring to, but she didn’t have to, because we both knew.

“I’m a terrible best friend.”

“Yeah, but you’re mine. You’re the only one I’ll ever ask for. I’m sorry, Tae. It’s just me. I’ve been really emotional lately. You didn’t call and you