I woke up early in the next morning once the sun rays managed to pass through my curtains. It felt cold, and my mind was completely blank until I looked at myself in the mirror above my sink. I kissed Sunggyu. Unconsciously, I lifted my right hand and touched my lips. I sighed and stared at the silver ring around my finger. I tried to brush my teeth and took a shower without thinking about it, but it just felt really wrong - it’s supposed to be. When I got out of the shower, my phone shrilled. It must be Samdong reminding me about my meeting with the publisher for my next book launch. 

“Hey,” I answered the call. My heart was hammering and I could only hope that he didn’t catch that there was something wrong, something really wrong. 

“You’re up huh?” He chuckled.

“I told you I'm not that lazy,” I managed to joke but I felt awful. 

“Wow, good to know,” he replied with a laugh, “How did yesterday go?”

“Y-yesterday?” Why did he have to ask me about yesterday?

“Yeah, with Sunggyu I mean,” he said casually, “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.” 

“Oh, it was great,” I answered with a small chortle, “We had lunch and all. Anyway, I do have a meeting to go to today, so I’ll meet you later?” 

“Sure, I have to go for work too,” he said, “I hope your meeting goes well! I’ll text you later.” 

“Yeah, see you.” 

I quickly ended the call, not wanting to hear Samdong’s voice. I looked myself in the mirror once again and closed my eyes. Still, I could feel the warmth radiating from Sunggyu’s lips all over again. How our lips brushed with each other so tenderly and how good it actually felt. I didn’t remember saying anything to Sunggyu after we kissed. I just ran out of his car after we broke the kiss and felt like crying once I entered my apartment - but I couldn’t even cry.

I put on my clothes and made breakfast for myself. As I was eating on my peanut butter sandwich, my phone shrilled again. I glanced at the caller ID - it was Sunggyu. 

“Sunggyu?” I managed to answer it on the last ring. 

“Hey, Nara,” Sunggyu didn’t sound so good too, “I- I’m really sorry for what happened last night, I shouldn’t have done that.”

I stared into space blankly and replied Sunggyu quietly, “I shouldn’t have kissed you back.” 

“Look,” he sighed, “The last thing I want to do is to get in Samdong’s and your way, so let’s just… forget about this and for the time being, I don’t think it’s good for us to meet each other. Is that okay with you?”

“Yeah.” I replied quietly. 

“Okay, take care.” 

“You too.” 

My heart sank when he ended the call. And if I were honest to myself, I didn’t want to loose Sunggyu and cut ties with him again. Not after years of not hearing anything from him. On the other hand, I did have to think about my position being Samdong’s fiancé. It was tough. 

~*~

“Did something happen at the meeting today?” Samdong gave me a suspicious look as he was cutting his steak, “You’re really quiet.” 

I gave him a weak smile, “I cancelled the meeting.” 

“Oh? Why?” He pushed “I thought it’s about your collaboration with… with…”

“Dongwoo,” I reminded him, “Jang Dongwoo.” 

Samdong nodded, “Ah, yes, what happened?” 

I sighed and sat back, “I just… I have been really tired lately, I stayed up all night finishing my drafts and all.” 

“Are you sure you’re not sick?” Samdong questioned again and I just wished he could let this one slide off, “You were fine yesterday.” 

How did he know that I was fine yesterday? I kissed my high school best friend when I have a caring fiancé in front of me, how is that fine? 

“Yeah, probably just a bit of cold, but I should be fine,” I smiled, only to ensure Samdong, and then twirled a handful of pasta around my fork, “Enough about me, what about you?” 

“Well, I have been looking on venues during my free time, and I found a few which I think you would like,” Samdong said with enthusiasm, “We can go during the weekend or sometime when you’re free to take a look on them.” 

There was a rush of feelings dashing through my heart that I felt numb. I am getting married to Samdong. Despite that, I forced myself another smile and nodded, “Of course, I’ll let you know when I’m free. I’m sorry I’ve been really caught up with a lot of things and haven’t really looked at the details for our wedding.” 

Samdong gave me a kind smile and held my hand resting on the table, “Don’t worry, it’s fine.” 

~*~

When Samdong pulled over his car in front of my apartment, I couldn’t help but replayed the scene where Sunggyu did the same yesterday. The male besides me had to take my seatbelt off for me to break from my reverie. He looked at me closely with huge concern. 

“You’re really off today, Nara.” 

I closed my eyes and sighed, “I’m sorry.” 

Samdong pulled me into a hug and pat my back, “I love you.” 

I gazed at his eyes and kissed him before I went out of the car, “I’ll see you tomorrow. Drive safely.” 

“Bye.” He waved as his car took off. 

I touched my lips. It felt different this time - there were no sparks or anything. It felt forced and not genuine, partly because that was what I did, forcing the kiss. I ended up laying down in my bed again, staring at the ceiling. I cheated on Samdong - the man I’ve loved for more than five years - if it was just a kiss, it wouldn’t be cheating, but now that I actually can’t feel anything anymore from Samdong, this meant danger. How did Sunggyu manage to do that? Or, how did I manage to cheat Samdong for someone who ditched me and then come back and begging me to give him another chance?

My phone rang and I picked it up, “Sora?” 

“Hey, Nara,” she said from the end of the line, “I’ll pick you up at nine tomorrow okay?” 

“Nine?” I echoed cluelessly.

“Yeah, to meet the designer for your wedding dress,” Sora said as a matter of factly, “We’ve been booking her for a meeting since months ago.” 

I immediately recalled the time when me and Sora were browsing through wedding magazines and there was this one designer I really adored - Kang Jae Hoon. Sora told me that she needed three weeks to finally meet him, and it might be longer for me since it is now wedding season. I was still stubborn enough to book an appointment though, and his secretary told me that it will at least take 2 months before I could come in person. And today, after almost three months, we finally got the call and I asked Sora if she mind accompanying me. Of course she didn’t. 

“Oh Jae Hoon,” I said with a chuckle, “Of course, I’ll meet you tomorrow. Thanks Sora.” 

“Okay, see you.” 

I was frustrated because I kept on feeling like meeting Sunggyu. So that was what I did the next day. Lucky we exchanged our addresses the last time we met - I rode the bus to his apartment, feeling highly anxious on the whole way to his place. I wasn’t sure if I was at the right stop when I stepped out of the bus. I was surrounded by these tall metropolitan apartments and buildings which were unquestionably luxurious. Sunggyu really made it to the top. 

I searched for Sunggyu’s apartment which was located in a rather secluded and exclusive area behind all the buildings which caught my attention when I first got off the bus.There was a security guard in front of the apartment who offered me help. 

“Do you happen to know which way is suite 201?” I inquired.

“I’m sorry, who are you looking for?” The security asked me kindly and I mentioned Sunggyu’s name. 

“Is he aware of your visit?” 

I shook my head and muttered, “No.” 

“And can I have your name?” 

“Nara,” I blurted out, not even feeling suspicious in why he needed my name, “It’s Song Nara.” 

“Please wait here for a moment,” the guard left me in the middle of the minimalistic, yet lavish lobby. I sat on the couch and questioned myself again what was I doing here. Did Sunggyu even want to see me? Was I too desperate? 

“I apologize for the delay, we have to make sure that Mr. Kim is in his penthouse,” the guard came back to me again, “If you don’t mind, I will take you to Mr. Kim’s place.” 

I nodded and stood up, “Thank you.” 

The next second, I find myself standing before the beige colored door. I did not know how long it has been since the security left me standing there mindlessly. After breathing out a final sigh, I pressed the bell. Sunggyu opened the door almost immediately - I would’ve thought that he was even waiting for me right behind the door. 

“Hi,” was all I could say, not even looking at him in the eye. 

“Hey,” he replied and opened the door wider, “Come in.” 

Undoubtedly, Sunggyu’s penthouse was huge, with a window pane facing the busy Seoul from above. Just like the overall building theme, Sunggyu’s place was minimalistic as well, and unsurprisingly, very tidy. 

I followed Sunggyu to his fancy kitchen and he was grabbing something from the cabinet - I couldn’t tell, “You can go ahead and sit down,” he told me as he took a porcelain tea cup, “Make yourself at home.” 

Home. That was what Sunggyu felt like. Especially being away from my family since middle school, Sunggyu was the only one I could call home. My reverie was once again broken when Sunggyu placed a cup of tea on the glass dining table in front of me. 

“I hope you still like green tea,” he said and took a seat, “That’s the only drink I have.” 

“I didn’t know you drink green tea too,” I made a comment. 

He laughed weakly, “What can I say, I started drinking it when I realized it reminds me of you.” 

I looked away from him abruptly and Sunggyu chuckled, “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable.” 

“No,” I managed to say, “Of course not.” 

“So, what brings you here?” Sunggyu said.

I sipped my tea, pretending not to hear him, “You have a really nice place.” 

The male before me shrugged, “It’s not bad - the director of the place I’m working in helped me a bit with all of this.” 

“What do you mean it’s not bad?” I scoffed with a chuckle, “It’s huge and it’s neat and it’s… it just shows how far you’ve gone and what you’ve achieved.” 

Sunggyu smiled faintly, “It’s really empty though.” 

I kept quiet, not wanting to push further because I might not like the answer he would give. 

“Anyway,” he cleared his throat, “You’re not here to talk about my apartment. What is it?” 

“You know what I want to talk about,” I shrugged. 

Sunggyu smiled, “It’s been years and I can still read you that easily, huh?” 

“Saves me all the talking.” 

“But you don’t even know what you want to talk about with me,” he said and sat back, “You’re just feeling uneasy because we kissed.” 

I bit my lower lip and shook my head, “I’m so messed up right now,” I said, “And if there was anyone else to talk about this I would’ve gone to them, but all I can think of is you, Sunggyu.” 

“It’s okay,” he replied and gazed down, “I shouldn’t have kissed you like that too.” 

The two of us were basked in silence for a moment until it hit me and I stood up abruptly, “I shouldn’t be here.” 

Sunggyu looked at me with surprise, “W-what?” 

“I- I’ll get going,” I told him, “I have to go.” 

Sunggyu stood up and followed me as I was walking towards the door, “Nara,” 

“I don’t know what I am doing, Sunggyu.” I opened the door before Sunggyu took my wrist and pulled me towards him. 

He hugged me and I all my frustrations started rolling out through my tears. Once again, I cried in Sunggyu’s hug. I hated how he could make me feel that no one was judging me. I hated how I kept on comparing Sunggyu and Samdong. 

“I’ll drive you back home.” He said softly, creating soft with the palm on his hand on my back. 

I shook my head and managed to say between my sobs, “I’ll take the bus.” 

“I promise I won’t kiss you again,” he joked and I hit his chest weakly to which he chuckled. 

~*~

I find myself stagnant in Sunggyu’s car once again when he pulled off in front of my apartment. I wanted to stay longer, talking to Sunggyu while having Nell’s soothing voice in the background. There was just something bugging in me that I seem to not be able to let out. 

“You should go back and rest,” he said as he tensed his grip on the steering wheel.

“Yeah, of course.” 

I took my seatbelt off, but didn’t bother moving another inch. Sunggyu sighed, “Go back and think about this,” he said and looked at me, “Samdong has been there since I was gone and he deserves all your love much more than I do. Just because this bastard suddenly pops up into your life again and started begging for your love, doesn’t mean you have to give it to him. Don’t let me waiver your heart, Nara.” 

I stared at him back in the eye, “You’re saying it as though it doesn’t hurts you.” 

“I am being objective,” he told me and then looked away, “You shouldn’t be doubting if you should continue on with your wedding.” 

I scoffed, “Are you serious?” I retorted, “You come back here to Seoul, searching and chasing for me. And then I ended up in this - this stupid situation which I shouldn’t even be in, and now you’re saying that I shouldn’t think about you?” 

Sunggyu closed his eyes and let out a heavy exhale, “That’s not what I’m saying,” he said, “I didn’t even know that you would… you would-“

“Cheat on my fiancé?” I said it out loud, as terrible as it sounded. 

“Look, Nara-“ 

“You always do that, don’t you?” I cut him again, “You come into my life, made me feel really safe and at home and then you ditch me.” 

“I’m not ditching you,” he retorted. 

“You kissed me and then you told me it’s better for us to stay away from each other,” I was getting frustrated, “You don’t consider that as ditching?” 

“I kissed you and that was a mistake, and I didn’t want to come between you and Samdong.” He defended himself.

“Well, congratulations, you just did,” I scoffed with annoyance because everything he was saying did not add up, “And I have no idea what am I supposed to do right now.” 

Sunggyu kept quiet, unable to reply me back and I just sat there feeling exhausted with everything. 

“Answer me honestly, do you like me?” Sunggyu finally spoke. 

“I don’t know, Sunggyu,” I answered truthfully, “You make me fell all kind of things. There’s just comfort and… I don’t know - just feelings that I have never found in anyone else.” 

Sunggyu stared at the front window solemnly, “Let’s clear our heads and talk again tomorrow.” 

I opened the door beside me and stepped out, “Drive safely.” 

~*~

If Sora hadn’t called me at eight the next day, I would’ve been late to the meeting with Jae Hoon. I took a shower and dressed up although I didn’t really feel like it. Promptly at 9, my doorbell rang and Sora was there. I wondered how she could still take excellent care of her skin and dressed up neatly despite being pregnant. 

“Are you ready?” She smiled and I nodded. 

“Let’s go.” 

The ride to Jae Hoon’s place was convenient. Sora asked me if I was ready for all of this and I told her that I was really scared. For once, she made me forget about Sunggyu - that or I was starting to accept the fact that maybe Sunggyu was just someone whom I call home especially during my school days, and that Samdong was the man I really want to marry and devote all my love to. 

“It’s honestly not that different after you tie the knot,” Sora shared, “I mean, Woohyun still never shut up. It’s just more family drama, I think.” 

“And the baby,” I said, “Is it going between you two?” 

Sora chuckled and blushed slightly, “What do you mean?” she asked and made a stop on the red light, “Woohyun’s using it as an excuse to get even more touchy.” 

“You two really match well with each other.” I commented, feeling slightly jealous of how their relationship could go this far when I thought Woohyun was just having another fling when he started dating Sora in high school. 

“What are you talking about? You and Samdong look good with each other too,” 

I just kept quiet and decided not to continue on the topic. 

The meeting went absolutely great and by the end of the day, I was able to finalize my wedding dress with him. I had always been waiting for this day to come since I was young and to go through it that day, felt absolutely surreal. Sora and I decided to grab an early dinner at a ramen place nearby after the meeting. 

“I don’t know if you mind me asking and I’m not trying to poke my nose into your business,” Sora started after we ordered, “But I heard that you’ve been having difficulties coping with Sunggyu being here.” 

I let out a weak smile and nodded, “Yeah, but I think we’re good now,” I forced another fake chuckle, “I met him recently and ‘solved’ everything.” 

Sora nodded, “Well that’s good to hear,” she commented with her kind smile, although I was sure she didn’t believe me, “Just let me know if you need someone to talk to.” 

I sighed. Why did Sora have to do this? 

“Actually,” I sighed not able to look her in the eye, “Something happened.” 

“Do you want to define something?” Sora asked with a light tone. 

“I kissed Sunggyu.” Surprisingly, I replied without any hesitation. 

“Ah…” Sora nodded her head, “I’m not surprised, though.” 

I looked at her with a frown and she just lifted her shoulders before our orders came, “Let’s eat first.” 

~*~