Love That I Need

            Ryeowook stared across the table from Sungmin, biting his inner cheek to keep himself from lashing out at his best friend.  Sungmin was avoiding his gaze and looking down at his cup of coffee.  They’d agreed to meet up after Ryeowook recorded Sukira at the lower dorm, since no one would be there except Sungmin.  Ryeowook knew that Hyukjae wouldn’t be coming back—probably for several days—and Henry was currently working on new music with his band.  That would probably keep him away half the night. 

            “I know what you’re probably thinking,” Sungmin said.  “You probably think I’m making a big mistake by letting Hyuk go, but…Wook, I can’t disappoint my parents.”

            Ryeowook sighed heavily.  “I know about disappointing your parents, Sungmin.  At one point I had to make that choice myself, you know.  Thankfully, mine eventually realized that if they wanted to have any relationship with me in the future, it meant they had to accept my ual orientation and my partner as well.  As I was their only child, they felt obliged to give it a shot and thankfully it worked out.  But I also understand that not everyone’s parents are like mine.  I know that some will never change their attitude about gay relationships.  Choosing between your lover and your entire family is not an easy choice and I won’t judge you on that.  I just wish you would have gone about it differently.  Hyukjae is really hurt right now.”

            Sungmin covered his face with his hands.  “I know.  I’m sorry.”

            “I’m not the one you should be saying that to.”

            “I said it to him as well, but he doesn’t want to hear it.  He’s mad.  And he has his right to be mad,” Sungmin admitted.

            “Why did you date him if you knew that you’d eventually have to break it off with him?” Ryeowook asked.

            “I always hoped I wouldn’t have to.  I never thought my parents would push for me to marry by a certain age.  I honestly thought I could put it off indefinitely.  Maybe dad would pass away before it came up.  I don’t know.  Wishful thinking, I guess.  Now they feel that I’m getting older and I need to settle down.  I think your marriage to Kyuhyun also made them a little nervous.  I still live in the dorms and they’re beginning to think that isn’t the best thing for me.  All this leads to crazy ideas in their heads…which incidentally aren’t so crazy because I really was dating one of my bandmates, but they would have had no real proof of this.”

            “You’re parents are really frustrating.  If they’re so homophobic, why did they bother coming to our wedding?” Ryeowook asked, starting to get even more pissed off.

            “They have no problem with you and Kyu, Wook.  They are just worried about the influence living in the dorms will have on me,” Sungmin said.

            “And having a gay best friend,” Ryeowook pointed out.

            “Possibly, but they’ve never mentioned it.”

            “Do they realize that Kyu and I moved out of the dorms?” Ryeowook asked.

            “Yeah, I told them.  They still think I ought to be married by now.  They wanted to pick a fiancée for me.  I’ll be damned if I’m letting my parents pick out the woman I’m going to marry.  Saeun and I get along really well.  We’ve worked together for a long time and we always have fun together.  If I’m going to marry anyone, it’s going to be her,” Sungmin said.

            “But do you love her?” Ryeowook asked.

            Sungmin gave Ryeowook a pained look.  “How do you expect me to answer that?  You know that I loved Hyukjae, I just can’t stay with him.  Don’t ask me questions like that.  It isn’t about love…it’s about who I can see myself with for the long run.  Who will my family approve of?  Who do I like well enough to live with long term?”

            “Long term?  Is that what you call it?” Ryeowook asked.  “I just got married myself and Kyu and I viewed that as a forever deal.  Until one of us dies.  That’s what marriage really means.”

            “Stop!  Just stop!  I know what it means.  Okay?” Sungmin said, pressing his hands against his ears.  “I know that this seems sudden and drastic, but it has to be done.  And it’s not easy on me either.  I didn’t want to have to let Hyuk go.  You realize that.  Right?”

            Ryeowook nodded.

            “So, can you just do me one favor?  Even if it bothers you to see my bending to my parents will, can you just find a way to support me?  Because this isn’t easy.  I need someone to tell me this is going to be okay.  That it won’t destroy me.”

            Ryeowook was silent a long time.  He drank some of his coffee, deep in thought.  He knew Sungmin would someday regret marrying just to appease his parents.  But even if he knew it would, would that alter his actions?  Even if he knew he’d eventually regret it, he would probably still go through with it for the time being to get his parents off his back.  But what a mess.  It would either lead to a long, unhappy marriage or divorce.  And this was hardly fair to Saeun either.

            “I’m going to make an official announcement to my fans that I’m dating Saeun.  I’m hoping that in doing so, my parents won’t pressure me to marry her before I enlist.  But if they still do, I’m going to.  I’ll move out of the dorms and I’ll make it work,” Sungmin told him.

            “You know I’ll always be your friend and I’ll always support you,” Ryeowook told him.  “I just don’t like to see you hurt either…and I know you are.”

            “It’s going to be fine,” Sungmin said, taking a deep breath and straightening his clothes.  Ryeowook knew that he was trying to convince himself of that more than him, but he wasn’t sure that things were going to be fine.  Not for a long time.  If ever.

            Hyukjae woke up several times in the night.  The breakup from the day before was weighing heavy on his mind and even drinking a little too much couldn’t keep him from a disturbed sleep.  Of course, the fact that he kept waking up to a cold bed wasn’t helping matters.  He wasn’t used to it.  He and Sungmin had been sleeping together nearly every night.  But even when he didn’t stay at the dorm, he never slept alone. 

            Usually when he slept over at Donghae’s apartment, he was sweating within minutes from his friend’s body heat.  That hadn’t been the case this time.  Hyukjae felt around the bed and felt nothing but bedding.  He opened his eyes.  Donghae wasn’t in the bed.  He wasn’t even in the room. 

            Hyukjae reached for his phone on the nightstand and checked the time.  5:37 A.M.  He sat up in bed, still a little disoriented from drinking so much the night before, but he was mostly sober.  Mostly.  As his eyes adjusted to the darkness and he became more aware of his surroundings, he began to register the muffled sound of the keyboard and Donghae’s soft voice singing.  It was coming from the other room.

            Hyukjae pulled off the bed covers and began shuffling towards the door.  He quietly opened it and walked into the living room, where Donghae had his back to Hyukjae, sitting at his keyboard.  He was writing music.  Hyukjae had seen him do it many times, but usually it did not keep him up so late.  Why tonight?  Hyukjae stood in the doorway and listened.  For how long?  Maybe twenty minutes.  Then he made a noise loud enough for Donghae to hear.  He accidentally sneezed.  Damn fall allergies.  Surprised, Donghae looked over his shoulder at him. 

            “Did I wake you?” he asked.

            “No,” Hyukjae said, shaking his head and walking over to the keyboard.  “I’m having trouble sleeping.  I’m not used to sleeping alone.  Why are you still writing?”

            “I felt inspired,” he confessed, making a note in pencil on his sheet music.  “Don’t think me insensitive, but breakups are interesting to write about.  I’ve been through enough of them to know.”

            “I’m glad that my miserable experience can be of some use to you,” Hyukjae muttered. 

            “Well, I’d base it off my own breakup if I was brokenhearted about it, but I’m the one who broke it off,” he stated, shrugging his shoulders.  “I have a hard time feeling upset about it.”

            “You broke up with your girlfriend?” Hyukjae asked, dumbfounded at the news.

            “Ex-girlfriend,” Donghae corrected him, playing a couple measures of his song again.

            Hyukjae slapped him in the arm.  “You didn’t even tell me!  When did this happen?”

            “Couple weeks ago,” he said, repeating the same measures, varying it a little.  “Which one sounded better?”

            “The first one,” Hyukjae answered.  “You !  I’m you’re best friend.  You’re supposed to tell me these things right away!”

            “You went to Kyu’s place after Sungmin broke up with y