The Girl

An American Girl

 

Hoya was the first to wake up as he felt the van come to a halt.  He opened his eyes and looked out the back window of the van.  He saw their dorm and sighed.  Finally…we’re home.  He turned to wake up Sunggyeol who was leaning against Myungsoo .  Sungjong, Woohyun and Dongwoo were sitting in the seat in front of them.  Sunggyu lay across their laps asleep as well.  Before Hoya could speak the manager had already called his attention.

                “Hoya-ah”  The manager’s voice came out tired and sloppy.

                “Ne?”  He answered back.

                “Let them sleep some more.  I have something I need to take care of in the dorm first, ok?” 

                Hoya was looking at his manager, frowning and confused he agreed.

                “Good, go back to sleep; I’ll come get you when I’m done.”  The manager mumbled to him. 

                Hoya still had his hand on his seatbelt and was frozen in place.  He was tired as well and it was taking him a little while to process what the manager had asked of him.  Because he didn’t answer, the manager figured Hoya had already lain back down.  He undid the seatbelt of the passenger seat but hadn’t thought about the girl’s head.  The seat belt zipped up and smacked her in the mouth while her head hit the window of the door.  She awoke immediately and that’s when Hoya saw her…well the back of her head at least.  She had sat up straight, holding onto her jaw while the manager tried to reach over and pet her head, trying to make sure she was ok.  It seemed as if she had forgotten where she was as she looked at her surroundings; Hoya could see her red hair lit up by the street signs in the darkness.  Then her face turned and saw the manager and she calmed down.  “Are you alright?”  He asked her.

                The girl blinked a few times and then blew air from her nose as she smirked.  The manager chuckled a little bit and pulled his hand away.  She didn’t speak as she watched him get out of the car and come around to the other side; he opened the door for her and she jumped out, landing with an “Umph.” 

                Hoya was astonished as he watched his manager treat a girl so kindly.  He looked like a real father when he acted this way; neither a side Hoya nor the other boys had ever seen.  He watched as the manager put his arm around the small girl’s back and led her up the stairs to their dorm.  Hoya waited until the lights upstairs flicked on and then he immediately turned to Sungyeol and roughly jostled him about until he woke up.  “Ya!”  He whispered when Sungyeoul began to blink his dried eyes.  “Wake up!”  Hoya shook him more.

                “Hajima…”  Sungyeol began to sit up and stretch in the cramped van.  As a habit he began to turn to Myungsoo and wake him up but Hoya stopped his actions.  “Bwo??”  Sungyeol asked as he turned back to Hoya.

                “The manager just took a girl up into our dorms!”  Hoya’s eyes were wide.

                “Bwo?!”  Sungyeol’s voice was louder than expected as the other members began to wake up.

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kissme-minseok #1
great job!
LemonPop #2
I think it's great!!!! DragonSalt, you're doing awesome!!!
WhosThere13
#3
Also: I'm guessing that you made Hoya get moody because he was frustrated with her simple and not-completely-the-truth answers, right? Just from a writers and readers perspective, that scene may fit in a bit more if you had hinted at his annoyance building up in previous chapters, or at the beginning of this one, say how he was feeling choked or something because his manager was getting stressed and Helen wasn't saying anything and it was beginning to push him too far. It just seems a little out-of-place that you made him fairly mild mannered so far in the story, but sudden made him short tempered and quick to punching random inanimate objects in this chapter. <br />
Again, I'm trying to say this just on a writers level-sorry if I sound pushy-its just a suggestion. :)<br />
Thank you for updating~!<br />
Also: Sorry I meant Jungryul* in my other review for this chapter >>
WhosThere13
#4
Awwww Hoya, don't get violent-getting annoyed and punching walls is never a good response-plus it doesn't make people want to tell you their secrets anymore then before haha<br />
On another note: HOT DAMN HOYA, LOOK AT YOU GO HAHAHAHA XD I loved how Sungjong totally, completely, and unintentionally, ed Hoya. That was just golden. Plus that little 'making-references-to-their-makeout-and-then-giggling-to-themselves' scene with them and Sungjong and Junryul-maaaade me laugh XD It's nice, cus it shows that Helen didn't mind too much from the semi-forced kisses, and Hoya had managed to cool his temper a bit after the makeout. You also just eased the readers from a more serious and passionate scene to a funnier and lighter one without looking too cheesy or unrealistic (in the sense of the story), so good job~ <br />
To address your concern about the Chapter: This chapter didn't click all the way like the previous ones had, but overall it was pretty good-You don't need to change it-it was suppose to be about Helen informing Hoya about her background, and their little love thing going further, right? Then you did just that, as well as added a little bit of other pieces of the story here and there to act as a buffer so the story wouldn't go too off track. It was a little fast, but there's bound to be a couple of chapters in every story that seemed a little sped up, so don't worry. :)
DragonSalt24
#5
^^ i hope you look forward to finding out more about Hyun - hopefully the twist that's coming up will be an interesting surprise<br />
i'm not sure if the place where i found the information but i actally heard that Jungryul is the name of one of Infinite's managers - i wasn't sure if that's actually true but if it was i wanted to use it to make it more realistic^^<br />
i'm glad you actually noticed the different viewpoints! it's hard for me to explain everything without showing an outsider's opinion on a situation so i'm glad you like that and it doesn't bother you or give away too much information^^<br />
thank you again for the comments! i really enjoy your feedback and it's helping me stay on track with the story i wanted to write originally^^! i hope you still enjoy it after this next chapter
WhosThere13
#6
Hmmm I disliked Hyun before, but now I'm kinda wary of him...<br />
It's different to see that one character you created, Jungryul, is kinda acting as a narrator, but when I say different I mean in a good way. It kinda helps the readers since he views the love triangle from his point of view, unbiased, while with Hoya and Helen, its a bit biased since ones POV is emotional, while the other is more analyzing and on-guard with Hyun and a little unsure with Hoya. (Sorry if that sounded confusing haha)<br />
I also like how with Sungjong and Hyun's relationship, you made the former like the latter and be friendly with him, which I can see him doing in real life XD<br />
Anywhos~Thank you for updating, it was another very-well written chapter :)
DragonSalt24
#7
!!! ahh i'm so thankful!! your feedback makes me very happy!<br />
i hope i've made Hoya more realistic towards how he acts on interviews and on shows, etc.<br />
ha i really can't say thank you enough! <br />
if there's something that comes up in the future that you don't quite agree with or don't like in the story please let me know!^^ and ha, i really appreciate your comment! - it helps me know that i'm doing Something right with the story^^<br />
please enjoy!
WhosThere13
#8
Normally I have the bad habit of being a silent reader and not commenting on stories and subscribing and stuff, but I felt guilty when I realized no one had said anything in Chapter 19-and I had loved it!<br />
Hoya is so freakin' awesome in here, and I love your female lead (she's so badass!)I love your writing-It can be really hard to find someone with such good grammar and spelling here on AF, not to mention a female lead with an actual name rather then ~~~ or something, and one so likeable too.<br />
The interaction between them in Chappie 19 is perfect-I admit when I started reading that page, I was wondering if you were going to add a kiss scene-but the amount of skinship was just right-a kiss would have been too fast and would become awkward and a burden later on in the story :)It was perfect!<br />
I just finished reading Chapter 20-Gaaaaaaah I wanna know if Hoya starts a fight with Hyun (though he'd totally lose XD) It's so goooood!<br />
Thank you for updating! Sorry for not commenting sooner!
DragonSalt24
#9
thanks for the nice comments guys!!^^
LemonPop #10
DragonSalt, i'm just giving you a bad time ;) It's really great!