The Car

An American Girl

 

The boys climbed back into the black van, sighing from a long day of Mnet filming Sesame Player 2.  They had all been chased to Yonsei University and were eventually caught, for the fourth time.  Sunggyu began to open the passenger door when his manager stopped him.  “Ani Sunggyu, you have to sit in the back, make room.”  The manager pushed the door closed and opened the rear sliding door where the rest of the members had begun to fall asleep.

“Wae?”  Sunggyu couldn’t think; he wasn’t going to argue but he just wanted to know why his manager was making such a strange request.  Sunggyu always sat in the front seat with his manager while the rest of Infinite occupied the back seats.

“Ya, just do it, jebal?”  The manager was tired from a long day of chasing the boys and he just wanted to get home; back to the dorms.  Too much had happened while the boys were trying to milk their last few hours of freedom in Hongdae; he didn’t have the energy to tell them about what had taken place.

Sunggyu saw the look on the manager’s face and nodded, understanding that the manager wasn’t joking around.  “Ye, arraso hyung.”  He tapped Woohyun on his leg; he jumped up from his light slumber.  He looked around the car and then realized they weren’t at the dorm; Woohyun finally saw Sunggyu standing outside.  “Scoot over, Woohyun.”  He began to climb into the van.

“Ya, ya!  Wae?!”  He exclaimed loudly; the other members began to hear the ruckus and wake up.  The manager was walking around the front of the car as the boys argued about Sunggyu fitting in the back of the car.  By now everyone had woken up and there was chaos. 

The manager opened his driver-side door and heard all the commotion.  His grumpiness emerged from his tiredness as he flung his body into the car and turned around to glare at the young men.  “YA!”  He whisper-yelled.  “You need to shut up!”  His eyes were large and serious.

Everyone in the car grew quiet as they looked at their manager.  Usually he was calm and never yelled at them, even when they messed up.  But now he had raised his voice and spoken to them harshly.  When the manager realized he had their attention he sighed heavily, trying to vent out some of his anger.  He looked over at the young girl in the passenger seat.  She’d fallen asleep on the drive to the University and her head was resting on the seat belt; her feet pulled up to her chest and her iPod lay on her belly.  The boys hadn’t seen her when they entered the car but she hadn’t woken up either.  There was too much to say to the boys but the manager was much too tired to discuss this with them.  He sighed again.

“Hyung?”  Sunggyu was still standing outside of the van with one foot on the step to enter.  He looked scared; frozen in place.

                “Make room.  He needs to sit back there just this once.”  The manager didn’t give them any time to argue; he simply turned around and put his seatbelt on while starting the ignition.

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kissme-minseok #1
great job!
LemonPop #2
I think it's great!!!! DragonSalt, you're doing awesome!!!
WhosThere13
#3
Also: I'm guessing that you made Hoya get moody because he was frustrated with her simple and not-completely-the-truth answers, right? Just from a writers and readers perspective, that scene may fit in a bit more if you had hinted at his annoyance building up in previous chapters, or at the beginning of this one, say how he was feeling choked or something because his manager was getting stressed and Helen wasn't saying anything and it was beginning to push him too far. It just seems a little out-of-place that you made him fairly mild mannered so far in the story, but sudden made him short tempered and quick to punching random inanimate objects in this chapter. <br />
Again, I'm trying to say this just on a writers level-sorry if I sound pushy-its just a suggestion. :)<br />
Thank you for updating~!<br />
Also: Sorry I meant Jungryul* in my other review for this chapter >>
WhosThere13
#4
Awwww Hoya, don't get violent-getting annoyed and punching walls is never a good response-plus it doesn't make people want to tell you their secrets anymore then before haha<br />
On another note: HOT DAMN HOYA, LOOK AT YOU GO HAHAHAHA XD I loved how Sungjong totally, completely, and unintentionally, ed Hoya. That was just golden. Plus that little 'making-references-to-their-makeout-and-then-giggling-to-themselves' scene with them and Sungjong and Junryul-maaaade me laugh XD It's nice, cus it shows that Helen didn't mind too much from the semi-forced kisses, and Hoya had managed to cool his temper a bit after the makeout. You also just eased the readers from a more serious and passionate scene to a funnier and lighter one without looking too cheesy or unrealistic (in the sense of the story), so good job~ <br />
To address your concern about the Chapter: This chapter didn't click all the way like the previous ones had, but overall it was pretty good-You don't need to change it-it was suppose to be about Helen informing Hoya about her background, and their little love thing going further, right? Then you did just that, as well as added a little bit of other pieces of the story here and there to act as a buffer so the story wouldn't go too off track. It was a little fast, but there's bound to be a couple of chapters in every story that seemed a little sped up, so don't worry. :)
DragonSalt24
#5
^^ i hope you look forward to finding out more about Hyun - hopefully the twist that's coming up will be an interesting surprise<br />
i'm not sure if the place where i found the information but i actally heard that Jungryul is the name of one of Infinite's managers - i wasn't sure if that's actually true but if it was i wanted to use it to make it more realistic^^<br />
i'm glad you actually noticed the different viewpoints! it's hard for me to explain everything without showing an outsider's opinion on a situation so i'm glad you like that and it doesn't bother you or give away too much information^^<br />
thank you again for the comments! i really enjoy your feedback and it's helping me stay on track with the story i wanted to write originally^^! i hope you still enjoy it after this next chapter
WhosThere13
#6
Hmmm I disliked Hyun before, but now I'm kinda wary of him...<br />
It's different to see that one character you created, Jungryul, is kinda acting as a narrator, but when I say different I mean in a good way. It kinda helps the readers since he views the love triangle from his point of view, unbiased, while with Hoya and Helen, its a bit biased since ones POV is emotional, while the other is more analyzing and on-guard with Hyun and a little unsure with Hoya. (Sorry if that sounded confusing haha)<br />
I also like how with Sungjong and Hyun's relationship, you made the former like the latter and be friendly with him, which I can see him doing in real life XD<br />
Anywhos~Thank you for updating, it was another very-well written chapter :)
DragonSalt24
#7
!!! ahh i'm so thankful!! your feedback makes me very happy!<br />
i hope i've made Hoya more realistic towards how he acts on interviews and on shows, etc.<br />
ha i really can't say thank you enough! <br />
if there's something that comes up in the future that you don't quite agree with or don't like in the story please let me know!^^ and ha, i really appreciate your comment! - it helps me know that i'm doing Something right with the story^^<br />
please enjoy!
WhosThere13
#8
Normally I have the bad habit of being a silent reader and not commenting on stories and subscribing and stuff, but I felt guilty when I realized no one had said anything in Chapter 19-and I had loved it!<br />
Hoya is so freakin' awesome in here, and I love your female lead (she's so badass!)I love your writing-It can be really hard to find someone with such good grammar and spelling here on AF, not to mention a female lead with an actual name rather then ~~~ or something, and one so likeable too.<br />
The interaction between them in Chappie 19 is perfect-I admit when I started reading that page, I was wondering if you were going to add a kiss scene-but the amount of skinship was just right-a kiss would have been too fast and would become awkward and a burden later on in the story :)It was perfect!<br />
I just finished reading Chapter 20-Gaaaaaaah I wanna know if Hoya starts a fight with Hyun (though he'd totally lose XD) It's so goooood!<br />
Thank you for updating! Sorry for not commenting sooner!
DragonSalt24
#9
thanks for the nice comments guys!!^^
LemonPop #10
DragonSalt, i'm just giving you a bad time ;) It's really great!