Chapter 20

Painkiller

Painkiller.

That's what she was to him.

Another week past since their small incident and Cheondung hasn't once been to see Seonyul. He spent his nights out at the club, randomly sleeping with girls he would find just so he could escape the warmth sensation he would have whenever he was with her. He didn't want to feel this way because it always made him remember about the ghost he was running away from.

Something he didn't want to face but yet, kept coming back for more.

During the same week, Seonyul spent her days locked up in the attic of the house doing nothing but painting. Along with G.O and Mir, she was able to buy various art supplies from paint brushes to pastel crayons to multiple canvases and put all her emotions into her work. It's been too long since she was able to properly paint and she couldn't be happier about finding her way back to this world of hers.

 Both of them have neither spoke nor seen each other.

She was still feeling kind of anguish whenever she would think of him, but when she found out where he was spending his nights, she couldn't help herself from feeling a little bit hurt. She tried not to care, but every night, she would secretly hope that he would come to her room and just be with him.

And just like that on the next day, she would vent her emotions all over one single canvas, portraying her deepest thoughts about him and her conflicted feelings around him.

"It's weird because I don't feel pain whenever I'm with you. It makes me think that you're more than my doll, you're my painkiller."

His heart skipped a beat at her gentle touch on his chest.

That same week, he was getting tired of feeling anything anymore. He's been like that for more than three years but ever since he met Seonyul, he never felt more alive.  He couldn't understand why and didn't really care either, he just liked the way he starting to feel.

He was getting more addicted every single time, never getting enough of the sensation she was giving him and right now he was craving for some more, finally caving in into the heat that would flow through his veins.

With her back against the door of her bedroom, she looked up at him, anticipating his next move. Her eyes fell back on her hand that was still resting on his chest, feeling the fast beating of his heart coming through. She let her hand fall and looked back up to him while he was still looking at her.

 She walked away from him, making her way to her bed with Cheondung still facing the closed door. As she did so, her mind went back to the ache she felt this morning seeing him with another girl, confusing herself about what he was doing in her room right now when he could've been outside, doing what he does best: breaking hearts.

She fixed her bed sheets while she climbed on her bed and sat up, her face turned to his back.

"Cheondung-ah… It's your choice…"

He placed his hand on the doorknob, squeezing it tight. He wanted to spend the night with her so badly, but he couldn't face her.

He didn't want to feel weak.

He turned the knob and left the room without a word and quickly closed it back behind him. He marched straight down the stairs and outside towards his car, preparing himself for another night of lustful gesture.

I can't…

I don't want to

Why is she doing this to me?!

Why does it hurt whenever I see her sad or cry?

Why do I feel angry whenever I see her with the others, laughing and smiling?

Why do I feel so warm and, and just so good when she's so close to me?

I don't like this…

I'm feeling weak and I can't be like this.

I promised her.

Why do I constantly  feel guilty when I hurt her?

Why can't I just be left alone?!

Damn it!

I hate her so much for making me become like this! I can't let her change me. I'm not going to let her change me…

I can't be weak…

I have to stay strong…. For her.

I promised her.

But…

I can't feel the pain when she's around me. When she calls my name, I feel something weird building up inside of me… something good. The way she looks at me… why does she affect me so much?!

She's getting to me and I can't have this.

I need to push her away, but she keeps coming back!

But…

I can't stand the pain anymore.

It's becoming to much.

For three years…

I've had enough.

I miss you, Noona.

Where are you?

Next: I'm Sorry