Our conversations were shallow and superficial as I readied myself to go back home, our hearts now basically on guard. We were treading dark waters, and I had no intention of drowning once more. Seung Hyun had kindly called a taxi to the apartment lobby, and gave the driver more than enough cash to take me there and even back again, with a promise to keep me safe.

“Thanks,” I said softly as I sat in the peeling leather seats. His hand was on the door, his face almost entirely covered by his hoody and sunnies but anyone with eyes would be able to tell it was T.O.P. He’s features were strong and striking, not one that mere clothes could easily cover up.

“You forget anything?” he asked.

“There’s really not much to forget.”

“That’s true.” He was stalling. Why was he stalling? I just wanted him to let me go and get this day over and done with. It’s just another one of those days where things don’t go your way. So much for a dreamless sleep, now I’ve got ten thousand thoughts spinning through my head, working it into overdrive. The fact that I overthink things would be a major understatement.

“Bye,” I said, and reached out for the handle, but he stopped me in my tracks.

“I’m sorry. For…all of it.” God I wished I could see behind those sunglasses into his eyes. Seung Hyun’s voice sounded genuine, and even hurt. It was an apology that I had waited so long to hear, the words that I thought would lift off of me all this overwhelming bitterness that was still poisoning me, but who was I kidding? That look Seung Hyun gave me when I first saw him backstage at his concert; I already knew what he was feeling then. We were both still hurting.

“Yeah, me too,” I told him. “But I’m also glad. You did it, you’re here.”

“I’m as surprised as you are.”

“I don’t know, I always felt like you belong in this world. You’re too much like… well, you. Being normal never felt like your thing.”

“Ya, is this a compliment or what? Do it properly,” he joked.

“You know what I mean.”

“Not really.” I glowered at him. I was never good at passing off compliments to other people; it makes me really embarrassed for some reason. I felt my cheeks flush red and I quickly turned to the driver.

“Ahjussi, let’s go.”

“Ah, okay. Okay!” Seung Hyun said. I grabbed at the door handle once more.

“What about you? Are you happy now Shin Ae?” It was a question that cut me deep because I knew what the real answer was, and it was one that I’ve been denying time and time again.

“I am,” I lied through my teeth.

“Liar,” he called out. My mind shut down and I literally felt my heart drop.

“Wh-what?”

“Well, that’s what I want to say anyway. It’s kind of disappointing to hear you’re happy without me,” Seung Hyun said, shrugging. I recovered myself and let out something like a forced chuckle.

“Ah, there’s that little narcissistic personality that I missed,” I joked.

“You love it.”

“You wish.” And this time I laughed.

I couldn’t deny God’s plan for me. The undeniable way my soul yearned for Seung Hyun or how the chance encounters we had appeared to be owed to something more than just mere coincidence. I made a decision when I saw him at the concert, saying goodbye, and it was one that I was adamant on keeping. But what if, what if it wasn’t meant to be that way? Who was I to go against the way of the world?

“Stop thinking too much, you’re going to rip your lip out,” he said. Automatically I released the plump skin from my strong teeth grip and turned to grinding my teeth instead. Seung Hyun just shook his head in helplessness. “What on earth is in that head of yours?”

 “I’m confused,” I told him honestly.

“About?”

“Us.” I looked at him, filled with hope, searching for some kind of sign that told me he missed me and he wanted me beside him. That he needed me. But I was met with a wall of silence.

“So am I,” he finally answered. He ruffled the hair on my head a little, shut the cab door and told the driver to take me home. I was stunned. What on earth? What?

“Ahjumma, it’s me. Open the gate please,” I said through the intercom as the taxi driver dropped me off. I was met with a few seconds of silence before the familiar tone of the head housekeeper reached my ears.

“Agassi your father came home today,” she said. I winced. Great, on the one day I don’t come home he decides to show up. So much for trying to maintain whatever dignity I had left around him.

“I see.” As soon as the gate buzzed open I gathered myself and made my trek towards the house. My silent prayers to somehow miss each other were left unanswered as I see him sitting in the foyer with a newspaper in his hand and a steaming cup of ginseng tea on the table in front of him. He doesn’t notice me, or chooses not to.

“I’m home,” I told him. He doesn’t answer and I begin to make my way inside only to see him put those papers down and look at me with the same gaze; cold, unwelcoming, judgemental. I notice the increasing amount of grey hairs on his head and the wrinkles on the sides of his mouth becoming more pronounced. He’s aged a lot, and that was the only thing that made me realize he was also human.

“Do you do this every day? Return home the next evening?” he asked.

“No,” I answered. The less I said the shorter the conversation will be.

“Where were you?”

“At a friend’s.”

“If you returned here only to play, then go back to the US immediately. At least then I don’t get to see you make a fool of yourself,” he said. I clenched my fists and stared back at him. A fool of myself? What a bloody hypocrite.

“You know why I’m here. It’s the only reason I would be here.”

“Then prove it to me.”

“I don’t have to prove anything to you.” I walked away from him and straight to my bedroom. Honestly, all I needed was a ‘hello’.

A nice hot shower to wash away the stench of the day brought me back to my senses. I wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror with my hands and was taken aback at the reflection of the woman who stared back at me. She looked so much older than I remembered. My hair was wet and swept back, water dripping constantly onto my shoulders, to reveal a taut face with plump lips and tired eyes. There used to be so much humour in them, I remember, but now I’ve grown up and felt the weight of the world. I always wanted to be a mature woman, don’t get me wrong, but not in this way. I put my completely dead phone on charge and fell immediately back to sleep.

“Make it shut up!” I hear Nara scream from the corner of the room. She chucks a pillow with skilful precision onto my head then bangs the door shut once more behind her as she goes back into her own bedroom. You’d assume that when they built this giant house they’d think about not making paper thin walls.

“Urgh,” I groan, reaching out for my cell. With one eye I turned off my alarm and took a look at the notifications, twenty missed calls and about double the number of messages. Goodness, did someone die or something? They came from all five girls each asking the same thing. First, I need to hurry and get my out of the house to meet them, the other asking what on earth happened the other night. Both I was not eager on doing. Counting down from sixty, I take off my blankets and finally force myself to get ready. Coffee, I want coffee.

“Morning!” hot, married barista shouts from his station as I enter the café. “Or, uh, afternoon.”

“I need your miracle potion.”

“Did you drink last night?”

“Nope, I was out like a light. But I feel like I did.”

“You know this is how you age faster. Stress.” I raised my eyebrows at him.

“I feel like you wouldn’t know what that word means.” All he did was give me a toothy grin and I continued walking to my usual table. A chuckle escapes my lips reading the myriad of texts that have gathered from my beloved friends. Some asked what base I got to, some just asked me how big it was and I almost didn’t have the heart to tell them that the game didn’t even begin. I noticed another message from a number I didn’t recognize as it wasn’t one of the girls’ that I added the other night.

“Go Shin Ae!” Before I even had the chance to open it, I see all five girls, their faces b with excitement entering the coffee store. Chatter surrounded them and barista guy watched as they approached me with an amazed expression on his face. He probably wasn’t used to seeing such lively energy around the timid coffee girl he always sees.

“Hey, guys,” I waved.

“Hey? HEY!? That’s all you can say!? You were gone for an ENTIRE day. Ya, spill now. What happened the other night?” Ha Ni basically shrieked at my face. “T.O.P! Big Bang’s T.O.P took you home. And?”

“Shh,” I said, hushing them. The store wasn’t exactly filled with people but I was in no mood to bring unwanted attention.

“Forgive her, she’s a little excited. In her head she’s already picturing herself attending your wedding with a bunch of A-grade celebrities,” Ah Rang explained.

“We should really give you more credit for your flirting,” Ha Ni said.

“I wasn’t, promise. If anything I made a complete fool of myself, ask Mi Na.”

“Well for a complete fool, you made him basically take a trip to the opposite end of Seoul then back just to take you home,” Mi Na said. That was true, but it was too little to make any assumptions upon.

“Look, honestly,” I reasoned, “Nara got backstage passes to their concert a couple of weeks back and I met him. He must’ve recognised me as the chick with the over excited sister.”

“Hmm…” they all echoed. None of them believed me but they didn’t pry any further. I was a bad liar though, that much was certain.

“Just, Shin Ae. You know that he’s dating someone? A racer girl. They’re super low key and apparently have been together for a while. Apparently it’s an open secret in the industry,” Jae In said.

“What? Really?” Ha Ni said. “What the hell, that’s so typical.”

“Yeah, it’s true.”

“See? You guys are over thinking,” I said, smiling. “There’s nothing. Absolutely nothing.” The talk moved onto celebrity relationships which lasted for the next few hours but I was in my own world then. Each sign of interest was feigned, each laugh fake, each smile not reaching my eyes because a bigger weight was weighing on my mind. I have somehow come to terms with the fact that Seung Hyun wasn’t mine, but the thought of him being someone else’s still needed a little getting used to. Who was I kidding, it took a whole lot of getting used to.

It never occurred to me that he would be able to find another person to love. It never occurred to me there was another one he embraced, that he protected and cared for only for one simple reason. I had not. Every hand I held and lip I kissed had sincere intentions but left me empty and longing for a feeling that was long gone, since Seung Hyun was gone. Now reality had come to slap me in the face, telling me to wake up from my stupor and realize that I was reminiscing on my own. Seung Hyun had moved on. The girls soon left one by one, some to return to work on the other side of town, some to university and another to meet with their loved ones. I sat there leaning against the brick wall just letting the news sink in and took the time to regain my composure while I was at it. I can’t say I still love Seung Hyun like I did back then, I thought. It was just the selfish part of me refused to let him go.

The buzzing of my phone pulled me out of my trance and the ID of an unknown caller came up on the screen. It was the same number that had messaged me before.

“Go Shin Ae?” the familiar voice asked.

“Yes...” I mumbled back.

“It’s Ji Yong. Do you have time today? I need to talk to you.”

AN: Another chapter for you guys! Loving all my readers as usual, hope it's building up to be something you're enjoying!