Waking up to rain is one of those moments I relish; it’s like a soft rhythm that can lull me back to sleep instantly. Having to trudge through that rain to get to a basement dance studio on the other hand evokes another feeling in me altogether. I passed by Young Ho’s coffee shop, a stop I hadn’t been by in what seemed like an extremely long time and tried to find a reason to not go in. Embarrassment? Shame? The fact that I didn’t find a reason to even text a ‘Thankyou’ to the gentleman who took me out for a perfect night completely made me feel like I lost every right to drink a drop of his coffee. My insatiable desire for it made my feet walk in anyway.

“Crap,” I muttered as I found myself in line and next to order. Young Ho looked up and broke into a smile when he saw me.

“And she’s alive,” he said. I let out an awkward laugh as he prepared my usual order.

“To go?” he asked.

“Yes, straight to practice today. I’m still using that dance studio and I keep on losing chances to repay you for it.”

“Buy me coffee sometime.”

“You serious?”

“No way,” he said, laughing. “It’s the last thing I want to see when I get off work. Something else, maybe.”

“Definitely.”

“I’m guessing you passed the audition then. When’s the recording?”

“Tomorrow,” I said, thankfully accepting my steaming take-away cup. He passed me a sleeve after seeing my struggle to hold on to it without wincing in pain.

“I’m hoping that’s why you haven’t contacted me.”

“To be honest, that’s what I would hope for as well. You have a second?” I asked him. Young Ho nodded silently and left his barista post to his sister-in-law for a second. We took a little corner table where the café was bordered by the music store next door, with a good view of the rain that was still pelting down from the adjacent window.

“I’ll keep it short, I don’t want to waste anymore of your time,” I said. “First…I, well, my life is complicated. I don’t want to bore you with it, but I guess I realised how unfair it was to go on a date with you when I clearly wasn’t ready. So, I need to apologise to for that.”

“There’s no need to apologise. I knew it, but I wanted to give it a shot anyway.”

“You knew?” I asked.

“I don’t know how to say it, you look out of place here yet I see you almost every day. Something’s keeping you in this mundane life. I wonder what it is.”

“My life’s the furthest thing from mundane.”

“Well it definitely will be starting from now. You’re building a great career starting from tomorrow,” he said with a wink. It’s so effortless to be with someone like Young Ho, he was almost like a fresh spring breeze that came after a harsh winter, refreshing and filled with promise and light. With his warm eyes and easy nature, he could’ve brought me happiness and simplicity, but he didn’t deserve someone like me. I’m the furthest thing from simple, not with my family, my past and my unbreakable tie with Choi Seung Hyun. That man owned every piece of me no matter how much my stubbornness tried to deny it.

“Is it too much for me to still want to come here for a coffee… or a friend?” I asked him, as I stood up to take my leave.

“Of course, I wouldn’t want to turn away a customer, and I definitely wouldn’t want to turn away a friend. Tell me how tomorrow goes.”

“I will,” I promised.

I left the rain as I walked downstairs towards the studio and put down my coffee cup near the dance mirror. Carefully I swiped the rain from my jacket and looked fondly at my beverage, which honestly seemed like my only friend at the moment. I knew I was going to let time get away from me while I was down here, so Nara promised to pop in after school so that she could drag me home before I passed out from exhaustion. I turned the lights on, put my iPod in the dock and let Zion T’s music fill the room. Time to practice.

It was half past four when I heard the soft patter of Nara’s shoes go down the stairs followed by the creak of the studio door opening.

“I knew you hadn’t left,” she said as she walked in with a plastic bag full of food in each hand.

“Nara!” I cried, running over to her and enveloping her with my sweaty arms.

“EWW!”

“You brought food…”

“And water as well unni. You need a shower.”

“When I get home,” I told her.

“Is this the song?” she asked me as she listened to Zion T’s smooth crooning.

“I don’t know anymore. It’s been on replay so much I think it’s turned into white noise for me.”

“I like it, it’s good,” Nara said. I nodded in agreement while I patted myself down with the towel. The air was still damp with moisture from the weather and the exhaust did nothing to let the wind flow through this room, letting a musky smell linger. My gorgeous sister brought a complete lunch set along with her favourite cakes as a dessert, which I gorged on.

She stayed for the rest of my practice, just watching me. I thought she would be bored one hour in, probably taking her phone out or doing homework but she just sat cross-legged on the wooden floor and watched me through my reflection in the mirror.

“You want to have a go?” I asked her, after catching her gaze a couple of times.

“At dancing? No way, I might be young but I know when something’s not meant for me.” I laughed at that.

“What’re you thinking about, then?”

“I don’t know… maybe how awesome you are?” I scoffed at her sarcasm and collapsed next to her, leaning my back against the pillar and beginning my stretches to cool down.

“Are you happy, unni?” Nara asked me. “I mean, you said stuff about having adventures so I guess I just wanted to know if after going through it, if you’re happy or not.”

“Right now?”

“Right now.”

“Now, I’m happy. I have you next to me and I have an audition to look forward to tomorrow, so I’m happy. It’s exhilarating,” I told her genuinely. “Although Nara, the adventure hasn’t stopped yet. I still have long to go.” She nodded.

 “You’re going to be great tomorrow.”

“Stop it, you’re making me nervous!” I groaned and banged my head against the wall, somehow believing that it’ll take my mind off of the fact that I would be recording tomorrow. It’s a different feeling performing for an audience with a dance company and going off on your own to make a name for yourself. I wasn’t scared of making some mistake for thousands of eyes to see though, now it was fear that no one would enjoy my creativity and my choreography. Most importantly, I was scared that it wouldn’t fit well with the artist’s original idea.

“Stop stressing too much, you’ve practiced to death already unni.”

“Should I change that last bit? You know, maybe I will change it.”

“Don’t. Seung Hyun oppa already said they’ll edit it anyway to make it flow. It’s like photoshopping, so you’ll be fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes! Now come on, let’s go home.” Nara dragged me away from this dungeon and into the car, yapping away about how I would be dead without her, having myself lost in practice all night long. Despite her chiding, it was still impossible to sleep when I had finally brought myself to relax in bed. The tossing and turning was endless. I had this, I knew I did, yet my mind would wander, sending my anxiety to overdrive. I heard the cheery tone from my phone and saw a message from Young Ho.

Good luck! Hope that studio came to good use for practice.

I smiled and sent him another thank you message. I had so much to be thankful for him for. It was midnight now, he would probably be closing up the café now after another good day of business. Cold weather always brings customers in for something warm to melt their bodies. I sighed and closed my eyes. It was midnight already, which meant the second day of Bigbang’s Saitama concert, would have probably ended. Maybe everyone was celebrating another successful concert stop before moving on to Fukuoka in a couple of days. I stared blankly at my inactive phone. He hadn’t called me for more than 48 hours now, and it’s annoying me that I’ve started being aware of that.

Until this moment I still can’t believe what Seung Hyun said to me about that apartment. It wasn’t that I thought his words were empty when he said that he was waiting for me, but I guess to have a home be living proof of it all caught me off-guard. He’s built something towards a future that I had abandoned for a long time. I had given up all hope, but he had always been constant and hopeful. I don’t have that kind of courage for such blind faith. Is that why I wasn’t running into his arms right now?

“I’m not brave enough,” I said to myself. I covered my face with a blanket and closed my eyes, listening to my breath and my slowing heartbeat. “I’m such a coward.” The free and unfazed spirit that I had when I was young seemed long gone. I wanted that stronger me back, the Go Shin Ae who threw herself into the wind.

My ringtone broke my dazed sleep. I’d somehow slipped out of consciousness only to be immediately brought back by that darned thing ringing.

“Yeah,” I answered mindlessly, my voice already hoarse.

“You sleeping?” Seung Hyun. His voice enveloped me like a warm blanket.

“I was about to.”

“Ah, should I just let you sleep then?”

“You’ve already woken me up, so you might as well stay on.”

“It’s late, I know. I just had to call you.”

“Did everything go well?”

“Perfect. The boys and everyone else are just letting go right now. We’ve got to much alcohol in this room than what should be allowed.”

“But you don’t sound tipsy.”

“I had a glass, but I wanted to talk to you.”

“Yeah?”

“I thought you would be close to losing your mind over tomorrow, so I came to tell you to get a grip.”

“I have Nara to do that now,” I reminded him. He chuckled. His voice sounded even deeper through the phone and I wrapped my arms around myself, pretending that they were Seung Hyun’s.

“She’s dependable,” he said. A comfortable silence slipped between us and I sat up on my bed, ready to bring up the thoughts that were in my head for some time now.

“Hey, Seung Hyun, that apartment... I keep thinking about it. What if I never came back? What would you do with it?”

“I still would have bought it and I still would have kept it.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Maybe."

“You weren’t scared? That we would have changed too much?”

“I was scared when you said goodbye to me at that concert in Seoul. That was the only time I thought ‘Ah, I messed it up’. I thought I really lost you then.”

“For a very long time, I thought you didn’t want me. That’s how you left it, remember? Saying goodbye was the only thing that I could do.”

“Yet we’re still here.”

“I can’t seem to stay away from you. My head tells me that what we have, there isn’t much left. You’re there and I’m here, we’re so different now,” I told him. I leaned against the headboard on my bed and swipe my hair back. “Then you’re not. Then you remind me of those times when it was just us two against the world and I feel like not a day has passed since those happy memories. I get confused.”

“Everything else might have changed in this time, but we haven't.”

“Yeah. I still love you, like a fool. And it frightens me.” I wish he were here, I thought. We can talk for hours but that would do nothing for a moment in his arms. Seung Hyun didn't say anything after my confession. I cleared my throat and tried to contain my emotions.

“I’ve got to go. I need to be up early.”

“Right. Just sleep.”

“You’re not hanging up?”

“I’ll hang up soon, just sleep Shin Ae.” I did, and I slept effortlessly with a burden-free heart, hearing the silence from my phone which emerged between the two of us.

AN: An uneventful chapter, but I thought an easy read would be nice once in a while. Hope you're enjoying!