I dance because it makes me happy. I dance because it’s the moment where I can be who I want to be and express what I want to express. I dance because it is my life. My body moves freely to the music, a puppet surrendering itself entirely to its puppeteer. I love it. 

Out of breath I lie down on the old timber floor and gaze at the cracked cement ceiling above me with its exposed pipe lines and beams. The practice room was a basement area just in the outskirts of the city where a large number of small units were built in. There was a faint smell of mould in the air which was unnoticeable if I opened the door, and a big crack in the large mirrors in front of me, but its imperfections somehow made it feel real. It made me realise that I was building up a name for myself once again from the bottom, and the truth in the struggle was what kept me moving forward.

“Gotta go,” I told myself as I looked at the time on my phone, and peeled myself off the floor. My beautiful surprise for Nara was coming today, and I didn’t want to miss it for the world.

She couldn't stand being in the hospital for too long, basically itching in every moment possible to get out of its confines. When I arrived, I tried to placate Nara by bringing her her favourite things along, but the four walls still remained.

"Just a couple more days," I told her again.

"What are they waiting for? I'm still going to be sick regardless of whether I leave now or in a few days," she whined. I stare at her a little impressed.

"You're quite perceptive for a 12 year old."

"Why, thank you." 

"But that reasoning still won't work on your mom," I continued. Then I got back to reclining on the couch, flipping through magazines absentmindedly. In my head I'm thinking of that basement studio and what I’ve made today. Time for this audition wasn't on my side. Fourteen days go by quite fast, I had already lost two and I wasn't willing to give up another so quickly. I can hear Nara groan from the bed as she fell back on it, kicking around and chucking a fit, since that's the only way she could show her exasperation. I looked at her and sighed, but I wasn't really driven to sympathise with her. She’s going to have a major mood change in about 5 minutes anyway.

The atmosphere was a little chill when the knock came. We were both absorbed in our own little activities, with Nara writing her curses furiously out in her diary. She didn't look up, convinced that it was her mom that had returned and she had to make sure to keep the facade of her tantrum. I welcomed them in with a smile, Seung Hyun looking over at Nara wondering why she hadn't turned around at their entrance. His eyes were a little lost and confused, seeking mine for guidance, and I just shrugged, signalling him to go over to her. If anyone could make her day, it would be the boys.

"H-Hai," he said. Instantaneously Nara whipped her head around and stared wide-eyed at them. I was cackling in glee inside, her reaction did not disappoint me.
"Unni, am I dreaming?" she mumbled, pointing at Big Bang. "Do you see them as well?"

"Oh, I see them," I said. She looked at me, then them and then at me again, and her gorgeous eyes started glassing over. Her lips quivered as she attempted to stifle a sob and when a tear spilt over I ran over to her.

"U-unni..." she muttered. It was cruel, I know but I couldn't help but laugh as I saw her overcome with emotion. She saw them before, but to have her five idols supporting her in such a way at this difficult time meant so much more. It made her feel loved, cared for and Nara would be given a reason to have an wide grin on her face once more. It's a joy that even I alone wouldn't be able to give her.

"I swear I didn't know it was going to be this bad," I told the five boys helplessly.

"She going be okay?" Ji wondered.

"Yeah. You want to say hi?" I asked Nara. She nodded adorably while still clutching onto me, her nose red from her tears of happiness.

"Hello," she said, bowing her head.

"Hi Nara, it's been a while," Tae Yang said. He came over and gave her a hug which she received gladly.

"Oh my god, this can't be real," she muttered again. "You guys really are friends with my sister."

"Unfortunately," Seung Hyun joked. I shook my head but smiled. Friends.

"What's all that?" I asked, pointing to the dozens of bags in their hands.

"Gifts," he explained.

"Hyung didn't know which one you wanted," Dae Sung explained to Nara.

"So he bought the entire gift shop?" I wondered which all four boys nodded their heads to in reply. Of course Seung Hyun did. He doesn't think like normal people, I've come to realise that a long time ago.

"Wow. Thank you!" Nara exclaimed. I looked amusedly at Seung Hyun attempting to play Tetris with all the parcels as he stacked them up on the coffee table near the sofa.

"I don't know if you remember Nara, but you've actually known Seung Hyun since you were small," I explained.

"Yup, since you were 6 and had no front teeth," Seung Hyun added.

"No, I kind of remember. There was a big guy who liked to spin me around like crazy."

"Sounds like hyung," Dae Sung mused.

“If I remember correctly though, you actually loved it Nara. Every time I came around you’d raise your arms basically begging me to pick you up.”

“If I remember correctly as well, Seung Hyun, it didn’t always end well. You vomited at one point in time,” I added, explaining to Nara.

“That was your fault. You didn’t tell me she just had her lunch.” I winced at the memory of the projectile vomit that was a result of play time with Seung Hyun oppa. The person who was left to clean up after them ended up being me, of course.

Young Bae and I went downstairs to the hospital cafeteria to grab some refreshments for the boys who were having way too much fun in a sick girl’s hospital room. I shook my head as I closed the door behind the obscenely loud laughter after another bout of ‘Bully the Maknae’. Seems like Seung Ri made a fool of himself once more in Japan.

“So have you decided to do the audition?” he asked me as we made our way down.

“Yeah. I’m going to do it.”

“I hoped you would.”

“Thanks for that. Really appreciate you telling me about it.”

“You and I are similar in that way. Dance is not just a hobby, it’s a lifestyle.”

“I almost forgot,” I told him honestly. The butterflies I used to have in my stomach as I prepared myself to go on stage, and that feeling of serenity and belonging which engulfed me as I moved to the music, I forgot that that was the reason why I danced. If the spotlight happened to be on me and people clapped because the understood my meaning and intentions, then that was a bonus. I just needed to dance for me once more. That was what made me happy.

“You’ll do well. Do you have a place to practice?”

“A friend of mine gave me something.”

“Well tell me if there’s anything else I can do.” I nodded in gratitude.

I laughed until tears were spilling out of my eyes and my cheekbones ached. The nurses had to come in a few times to tell us to lower the volume, only to freak out at the people they found inside gazing back at them. After a few pictures and autographs, only the head nurse, a middle-aged stern woman, managed to kick them out somewhat forcibly. It was getting late and visiting hours were long over.

“Don’t get sick of us too soon. We’re coming back,” Seung Hyun said as they left Nara. She nodded and I walked them down, trailing a little behind with him.

“She looks a lot better.”

“She is,” I agreed.

“You look a lot better as well.”

“Yeah? I’m trying my best.”

“Well keep going. I like this happier you.”

“So do I,” I confessed. We both smiled, genuinely happy for each other, only to find mine disappeared just as quickly as it came. My father and Imo walked in through the lobby just as we entered it. He took a look at the both of us walking side by side and my heart stopped at the potential events that could follow. I hadn’t told him about Seung Hyun or Big Bang. I hadn’t told him about anything to be honest.

They didn’t pretend to be amicable. They didn’t pretend to be strangers either. Instead, I saw Seung Hyun nod in his direction and my father somehow acknowledging it before they walked off. Barely a second worth of interaction and yet it left me with so much questions.

“What was that?” I confronted him as the members entered the van.

“What was what?” Seung Hyun asked me back.

“Have you been talking to my dad?”

“I have.” His straight forward answer caught me off guard.

“Why?”

“Because I wanted to let him know that I was going to be there for the both of you from now on, and my intentions for doing so. He needed to hear that from me himself.” 

“Right…” What he said made so much sense, yet it also didn’t. Could people really be this good-natured, to forgive and forget so easily? Was I the only one who was keeping a mindless grudge?

My father approached me in the lift foyer of Nara’s hospital floor. He took me aside near the windows and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at me. 
“Are you two back together?”

“No,” I told him. He must’ve been surprised because he didn’t speak for a long while.

“Back then, I’ve done both you and him wrong. He’s a good person. If you and he are back together, I’m glad.” I couldn’t help but let out a huge scoff in pure disbelief. He’s so out of it that I didn’t know where to begin. Did he think he could pry people apart and bring people together with just a few words? This is people he’s dealing with, people that bear memories and feelings. I’ve never stopped wondering how someone so ignorant towards the emotions of others and their thoughts was elected as a minister to be a representative of the public’s needs. Then again, he crashed and burned from that high positon as well.

“Funny thing is, it doesn’t matter if you’re glad or not,” I said. “It doesn’t concern you at all.”

“I’m trying to mend things here, Shin Ae. You won’t let me try.”

“It’s because there’s nothing to be mended. There’s nothing I want to fix. Why can’t you understand that?”

“We’re a family!”

“What does family mean to you? Blood? For me that’s not enough. You need to a person worthy of being a father in order to gain my respect of being one. But how am I supposed to do that? I don’t even respect you as a person,” I told him. With that, I turned and walked away. Call me a b- and call me cruel. Forgiveness will set you free, I know, but I wasn’t ready to do that. Everything I said was truth, it was real and raw to me, and every time he spoke or stood in front of me, I was reminded of the torture all those years ago. The shameful headlines that blasted across Korea’s newspapers, the reporters that followed me all the way to New York and my father’s stoic and unfaltering gaze when he shamed Seung Hyun in front of my very eyes, forced us apart and sent me alone to another country. No, it’ll take me a long while before I forgive and I certainly cannot forget.

A/N: Hi everyone! It's been so long, it's ridiculous. Miss you all and enjoy!