The house was loud when I arrived, like abnormally loud. I’m used to coming home to emptiness back in my Brooklyn apartment and even now in this so-called family house, but today the lights were all on and raised voices echoed throughout it, sourced from my father’s study. It was Imo and dad, fighting over the only problem that was in their lives, Nara. I glanced at the open door of the study then upstairs. Nara’s school bag was placed at the foot of the stairs. She was home. I swear something like a growl escaped my lips and I stormed my way into the conflict, banging the door open even further. The both of them stopped amid high tension and looked my way. The graceful and controlled woman that my step-mom used to be had gone. Her cheeks were tear-streaked, a hint of mascara running down them and her eyes were wide with anger. My father looked all the same, stoic and firm. I could imagine what it was like arguing with him. It was like talking to a wall.

“Will you both please just shut up. Nara is up there listening to every word that comes out the both of your mouths,” I said.

“Shin Ae please leave. This has nothing to do with you,” my dad said. He didn’t even bother to look my way.

“It has everything to do with me if it has something to do with Nara. Take your fight somewhere else, I’m serious. Or at least stop raising your voice. She’s already got more than enough to deal with; she doesn’t need to hear the two people that she loves most fight with each other.”

“I’m sorry,” Imo said, glancing over at my dad. “We’re sorry.”

“Good.”

“Shin Ae…” Imo mumbled, holding back a sob. She took a step towards me, trying to look for emotional support but my cold stare stopped her in her tracks.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“H-Her chance of survival isn’t good. It’s really not good.”

“How bad?”

“It doesn’t matter. She’s still going through with it,” my dad cut in.

“HOW BAD!?” I cried.

“The doctor’s telling us to consider not doing the surgery…” Imo’s knees gave out and she was ready to slump down to the floor had it not been for my dad’s strong grip on her arm. You ever hear a silence that’s not really a silence? No one is speaking, there isn’t even the tick of a clock to be heard and yet a deafening beep rang in my ears, almost like the sound of a flat line on a heart monitor. Then the crash of a glass made me turn my head towards the door.

“Nara…” I murmured. We both simultaneously looked at one another than immediately ran from our standing positions towards the sound. All that was left was a shattered pink teacup, the only trace left of a pre-teen who overheard that her life wasn’t even considered worth saving anymore. The front door lay ajar and a small shadow could be seen making its way out of the property. So much for being three adults who could protect her when none of us knew what we were doing.

“Stay here, I’m going to find her with the driver,” dad said. Imo nodded, opting to be the one to stay put at home, but I sauntered past his coercive , out the door and ran as quick as I could after the figure of Nara. There was no way I was waiting in this big empty house for her. The last thing she needed to be right now was alone.

“NARA!” I shouted throughout the neighbourhood. I was in flip flops, the most convenient footwear I saw on my way out, scanning high and low at night. She was just gone. Suddenly, that cold defence I put up in front of dad and Imo shattered into a million pieces and sheer panic took over me. I was frantic. My baby sister, the angel who I loved more than myself was wandering around at night, god knows where, left to handle on her own the burden of her imminent end, her execution date. I’m terrified.

My steps picked up, my eyes catching everything that whizzed past me, but this empty neighbourhood gave me nothing. My brain caught up to my emotions and with shaky hands I pulled out the phone that was in my pocket and dialled the first person I could think of.

I couldn’t even make out a coherent word.

“Seung Hyun…” I choked out.

“Shin Ae…” he said in return. I tried to figure out how to phrase what I wanted to say. Should I start with a “Sorry” or go straight to “Nara’s disappeared” or make it clear that right at this moment “I need you”. Amidst my contemplating I felt like every emotion in my body just surfaced at once, and then I just cried, right there in the middle of the street under a flickering light.

“Seung Hyun…” I bawled like the giant baby I pretended I wasn’t and Seung Hyun silently listened to it all on the other side of the line. He stayed on; I could imagine him calmly waiting for me, wherever it was I caught him in this godforsaken hour, until I calmed myself down enough to talk, to make any sound other than heart-wrenching sobs.

I wasn’t just upset because I couldn’t find Nara. No, I was upset at the reality that I was going to lose her, and soon. Nara’s sick, I get that. I’ve lived with that for more than a few months, but to think of her gone and no longer to hug, kiss, cuddle or love. I can’t begin to even think about what that would be like. I can’t think about but I’m faced with the fact that it could happen any day now.

“She’s gone. She’s gone. I’m going to lose her…!” I cried.

“It’s alright. It’s okay. We’ll make it okay. Are you at home?” I shook my head.

“I’m in the neighbourhood. I… Nara…”

“I’m coming, don’t move. I’m on my way there now.”

“God, Seung Hyun I… I don’t where she’s gone”

“I’m going find you. We’ll sort this out. I’ll find you first okay?” I nodded, slumped down against the wall on the street and waited for him to rescue me, to rescue the both of us.

He had a whole operation set up by the time his car came to a screeching halt in front of me. Managers, the members of Big Bang, anyone who could help out were around Seoul looking for Nara. “We’ll find her,” he told me as he wrapped his jacket over my huddled figure, picked me up and placed me in the car. He and I, we went to places she knew best like her school, her friend’s house, her favourite hangout spot and even old nostalgic places we went to when we were much younger. We couldn’t see her at all.

Seung Hyun knew me, he knew the train of thought I would most likely have as each passing minute and hour went by and each time I was ready to blurt out something, he’d shake his head and say firmly.

“She’s fine.” Then I would believe him.

And finally that phone call we were waiting for came. She was wandering the riverside path of a park on the other side of Seoul, Dae Sung found her. I could’ve kissed him right then and there had he been in proximity.

She was sitting on the side of the bank against the grass when we pulled over. I mouthed Dae Sung a thankyou as he stood near his car watching over her until we had arrived and then walked over to Nara. I guess she knew we had eyes on her, because she didn’t react at all when I found a spot to sit beside her. I didn’t know what to say. What could you say? So I stayed silent like a fool waiting for nothing as the wind picked up and the temperature began to drop.

It was Nara who suddenly leaned against me and rested her head on my shoulder. I took her hand in mine and kissed the top of her head. God could be so cruel sometimes.

“It’s strange Unni. Right now, I don’t feel the least bit sick at all,” she said.

“What makes you alive isn’t your body, it’s your spirit, and Nara your spirit is larger than life itself.”

“I like that…” She put her arms around my waist and squeezed tightly. I tenderly her hair and embraced her, hoping that these tiny arms of mine could shield her from every pain this world brought her. If only.

“I don’t want to do it Unni. If that surgery is going to take even one day away from what I have left to live, I don’t want to do it.” My heart clenched. It wanted to scream at her and tell her that she should fight for her life, however slight the chance, because she deserved a future. She deserved so much more than what was handed to her. This messed up family, this messed up life. Nara was made for so much more. But I couldn’t.

“Okay,” I replied. “Okay.”

AN: Thanks again everyone! Love you all =).