I want to start off by saying that this scenario was not requested, it is based of my personal life...therefore, I expect a lot of this may be a bit confusing to most. I just really really needed to write my feelings out....

Also, my dear J, if you should see this for some odd reason, this scenario is not to make you feel guilty or hurt you. We had really great times together and I'm always going to treasure those memories. I don't think I'm ever going to forget you, even when I move off to college. To quote from the song, "You'll be with me/Like a handprint on my heart./And now whatever way our stories end/I know you'll have rewritten mine/By being my friend." You deserve the best, and I hope you're truly happy...I love you.

-Admin Em

(7-12-17 catch up)

Warning: Angst

You’re not okay.

But you’re not not okay either.

It’s just a bad day.

A day where you find yourself unable to escape his thoughts and memories.

You’re curled up in your bed, holding yourself and never wanting to move again. You know this is petty, you know that this isn’t your fault...but you just can’t help it. You can’t help but lie in bed wondering just how you could have been so clueless even though everyone was blindsided when they found out Youngjae had broken up with you. “But you guys were so perfect together,” people would tell you when they realized that you weren’t  joking.

People ask you if you’re okay, and you will simply say, “I’m fine”, but you’re not so sure. Nothing has made sense to you since Youngjae ended the relationship, saying that the two of you never had alone time and that people made you uncomfortable about the situation, and also that he felt the two of you made better friends. You have to admit you’ve felt the same way, like people were much too into the relationship and that the two of you rarely had alone time...but you never let people get to you.

Youngjae had also said that he’d known that the two of you  would have to break up once he debuted and that crushed you even more. You thought the two of you could at least try long distance. “It was just a typical high school relationship,” he’d said, but for you it wasn’t. Not really. You gave him so much, and tried to be around him as much as possible with how busy he is...but you felt so clingy you ended up giving him space. Still, you had a surprised planned for your five month anniversary in case he was busy. You were going to make him lunch and surprise him at work.

He broke up with you four days before that.

He told you he’d been thinking of this for the last month or two, and that was what hurt the most. He was pretending while you kept falling more and more in love with him. You don’t know what was real now. But that wasn’t the part that hurt the most.

What hurts to most is all of the contradictions you find. Youngjae had told you that the two of you never had time for each other, but that was mainly due to his work schedule...which he always told you he hated and yet you come to hear that he’s been asking for extra shifts and that he loves working so much. It almost seemed as though he had avoided spending time with you...maybe he had been.

“He told me a few days ago that he loves you,” one of your friends tells you the day after the break up.

“He spent so much time planning the perfect way to ask you to prom. He kept wondering how you’d react and he was so excited to see your face when it happened,” another friend tells you.

Youngjae had seemed to care so much, and yet he said he thought about breaking up with you for months. You remember asking him why he hadn't talked to you sooner to end the relationship, and he told you he didn’t know. Things didn’t add up.

You respect his reasoning, you just can’t believe it.

You’re not in denial about the matter either, you accept that the relationship is over. You can see that Youngjae is fine, but you don’t believe it. He told you he wanted to go back to how things were before the two of you started dating, and yet he barely acknowledges your existence. Sure, it’s only been two weeks since the break up so maybe he just felt bad for hurting you and was trying to give you space, but you’d told him you didn’t want to ignore each other. You hate seeing him and wondering, “Will he talk to me today? Will he even make an attempt? Did he ever really care?”

He told you that he really did like you to start, but so many other things seemed to be lies, so what was one more? One more white lie to help make it hurt less. It hurts you more than you could ever describe, but you can go around with a smile on your face and let on that nothing is wrong. Sometimes you really are happy, but you still have bad days where all you do is think and wonder if Youngjae is as okay as he lets on.

He no longer seems to be the Youngjae you thought you knew.

Other people notice the changes too.

Your worry over him...especially with all the dreams you’ve been having where you find him hurting himself. Sure, they were only dreams, but they got to you.

“He’s lucky you’re not a to him,” your mom tells you one day. “Most girls would tell him to off after what he did, and yet you can’t even think of hurting him. You’re here worrying about him and trying to stay his friend even though he’s been an . You’re too kind-hearted and he’s taking advantage of that.”

You curl up tighter and try not to cry again. You want to fall asleep and wake up to find that this has all been a long terrible nightmare. Youngjae wouldn’t do that to you...that’s not who he is, then again do you really even know him? He was your friend before anything else, and now he seems to be slipping away from you and even though he says he blames himself, you can’t help but think if you’d done something differently that maybe he’d still be your boyfriend.

You move and bring up the song, “For Good” on your phone, trying to figure out if you’re missing something. Anything. He told you he felt the lyrics fit the situation, and you guess they do, and so all you can do is cry every single time you listen to the song. You want to just forget, but you can’t. You gave him so much, and you’re trying so hard to keep him in your life but he won’t even talk to you. He wants normal, and yet it seems that normal no longer includes you. Maybe he’s avoiding you because he feels bad, but that doesn’t seem like it.

You respect that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. As much as you want him back, you know that’s not going to happen. You don’t want to fight with him, you don’t want to lose him completely even though it seems like you already are. You just want to know that he’s okay, like truly ok. Something isn’t right. You’re so worried about him that you can't let go, not yet. Maybe his reason for breaking your heart is true, but you doubt it.

He may have broken your heart, but you still love him, no matter how much it hurts you right now.